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Hi all

 

I was dating this guy for about a month. He had been single 8 months and before that a 6 year relationship. They bought a house but no kids,marriage etc.

 

Initially I thought he wasn't my usual type but he completely won me over in his personality,how well suited we were,a lot in common and got on really well. 2 of the dates we went on we went out to eat and we were literally the last 2 in there at closing. It was so effortless the time flew.

 

I can't stress enough how much effort I felt he put into me. He really looked after me. Very much a gentleman and very attentive. Couldn't do enough for me. He seemed so smitten with me that I even got the impression he thought I was too good for him. He told me that he felt very lucky to be dating me and often told me how beautiful I was and how much he liked me. If we went out to eat hed hold my hands across the table just looking at me in this dreamy way. Some things were a bit of a red flag like he said that he could get me a key which I thought was too soon (but I assumed it was just because we didn't live far from eachother) buying me toiletries for when I stayed over. We made plans to go to his friends vacation home. I know this is showing rebound signs but I honestly just felt it was about me. I'm not cynical so I didn't think otherwise. And I dunno,both early 30s so if you think you've met the one and it's enjoyable arguably just ruining a nice time by putting the brakes on and saying 'no let's keep it to one date a week for 6 months'. I didn't get a vibe that he was not over his ex. He briefly told me that it wasnt working before they broke up,he realised she was an alcoholic and that he wanted to help her. He took some time for himself and felt ready to date again.

 

He had a work thing night so I went home and we arranged to go out the next day. The next day I didn't receive anything. My messages were ignored which was massively out of character when I knew they had been received. I called by his house and the car and lights were on but he just sat inside and completely ignored me. I saw he was online later so I sent him a message that if he wanted to stop seeing me could he just not have told me that. Messages went back and forth basically he wasn't ready for this he'd been through a lot and he thought he was better but he wasn't and couldn't do it right now. I've left him to it over the last 2 weeks. I have since been deleted on all social media and blocked when I sent 1 message saying I hoped he was ok. When it came to the time we were supposed to go on the trip I heard nothing. I don't consider myself to be anything of a bunny boiler but there are things that are just unacceptable to me. So a couple of days later I texted why the need to block me just for asking if he was ok and that basically I didn't understand how he had gone about this and if he had gotten back with his ex gf could he just say that. He replied that things were all over the place and yes sorting a lot of out with the ex and was best I moved on/didn't mean for it to work out like this. So I said you're basically getting back together? He said he didn't know and that it was complicated. There has been nothing after that. I can only guess but I'm guessing she has somehow been made away that he was seeing someone or he has told her and after months they are suddenly sorting stuff out.

 

I have now blocked him from everywhere. Which is pretty futile coz he wasnt/isn't contacting me. I don't think for a minute that a month of seeing someone compares to a 6 year relationship. Im not expecting any contact,I think I have accepted that.

But I'm pretty devastated at how badly I have been treated tbh. It's really knocked me down. I'm an over thinker which doesn't help and I feel like my friends think I should be over it by now. But I just can't get my head around how someone can go to the extent to treat you like a princess and then just completely cut you off without the common decency of properly breaking up with you or offering an explanation without it being requested. I don't know who instigated their break up,it could have been him or her. I hate the thought that I was the catalyst to her wanting him back when it was going so well with us. I don't understand why you would not pursue something fresh and promising and instead (apparently) have to work through a load of rubbish in order to have a functional relationship with someone?

 

Thanks for taking the time to read this. I'm just trying to process and it's actually helped writing it down but if anyone has any similar experience or thoughts xx

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My heart goes out to you. Dating anyone within the first year of their breakup from a long term relationship or marriage is very risky. The first year is for healing, reclaiming milestones and holidays, and stabilizing in a solo life as a single person. Anyone who hasn't done that is a walking booby trap for rebound hell.

 

Trying to date prematurely doesn't make anyone a villain, so they won't be wearing a skull and crossbones or carrying a giant neon sign that says 'Danger.' They may be perfectly kind people who honestly believe that they're healed and whole and ready for their next relationship. But their judgement is flawed, and that's why it's up to each of us to look out for ourselves and avoid involvement with them.

 

We can be honest about it: "I'm so happy to meet you, and I can picture the two of us dating in the future. That's why I need to walk away now, in order to preserve that potential. You're only 'x' months out of your breakup, and experience has taught me that that's a potential heart-breaker for me. So how about if you contact me in (X) months if you're still single, and if I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up."

 

Most people don't have the self control to do this, and they end up walking into a propeller blade. But experience is the best teacher, so instead of viewing yourself or the guy as fatally flawed, I'd chalk this up as lesson most of us have needed to learn, and allow yourself to feel confident that full healing time from a breakup and 100% zero contact with an ex beyond shared children are priority screening devices for new dates going forward.

 

Head high.

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We can be honest about it: "I'm so happy to meet you, and I can picture the two of us dating in the future. That's why I need to walk away now, in order to preserve that potential. You're only 'x' months out of your breakup, and experience has taught me that that's a potential heart-breaker for me. So how about if you contact me in (X) months if you're still single, and if I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up."

 

Agree completely with Catfeeder's entire post, and her way of letting someone know, the next time you're in this situation, is perfect.

 

Having said that, I am so sorry you've gone through this. Hurtful doesn't begin to describe it. No, you're not overthinking it. You're reacting to what you thought were the beginning stages of a wonderful relationship, where he did and said everything perfectly, and then poofed into thin air.

 

The thing about dating someone so fresh out of a long relationship is that they are often just shopping, but they mentally have one foot still in the door.

 

My guess is, she contacted him (how many posts here are all about dying to contact an ex???), and he responded, they talked, and you were in the middle of all of that. So, they decided to try to make it work again, and either she asked if he was dating anyone, or he just decided to come clean, and she said that if it's going to work, he needs to stop seeing you and block you on everything. That's just my educated guess.

 

I think you reached out the appropriate number of times. It doesn't sound like you obsessively texted, Facebook messaged, called, emailed.....sounds like you sent a few messages, and finally blocked him after realizing he'd blocked you. Unfortunately, you have the answer you need, and you did the right thing by blocking him, even though, as you said, he wasn't reaching out to you. Reason being, let's say they have problems in a few months....you don't want to be his yo-yo girlfriend that he can pull up anytime he needs.

 

No, a month isn't long, but when we really fall for someone, it's enough to give a huge heartbreak.

 

A few years ago, I had a date with a guy from online where it was the most instant connection. It was amazing! It was only one date, and then he left for a 2-week trip, but he set up a date with me for the week he got back. So, he called me his first night back, confirming our date, which was 2 days away. The following night, the day before the date, he texted to cancel, as he said he became exclusive with someone else. I was heartbroken, and it had only been one date! So, fast forward one year, and he contacted me again. He said he had broken up with someone when he first met me, but they got back together, but now, they were broken up for good. So, we went out a few times. Amazing! Man of my dreams! I even met his son! And then one day, only a month into it, he cancelled our next date.....because he got engaged! Yes, same girl.

 

Happens to us all. Best you can do is live & learn. My current boyfriend (1 1/2 years) wrote to me a year before we actually went out, but his profile said "Separated". He wasn't yet divorced, so I wrote him a similar note to Catfeeder's. He dated a few people, and yes, broke a couple of hearts, before writing to me again, once he was actually divorced. I figured, I was single that entire year, but at least I wasn't dating someone who wasn't officially done with his last relationship, and the other women he dated were unfortunate casualties of his status, as he now admits he was not sure what he wanted at the time he dated them.

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...you did the right thing by blocking him, even though, as you said, he wasn't reaching out to you. Reason being, let's say they have problems in a few months....you don't want to be his yo-yo girlfriend that he can pull up anytime he needs.

 

Yep. He's already demo'd his bad judgment in the way he ghosted you instead of explaining his exit, so in my book, he'd be toast, too. But let's say that he was kind about it--he'd still be a no-brainer 'No Way' for future contact unless and until he was at least a year beyond his next breakup with whutshername.

 

So you didn't 'lose' anything by blocking him except for any potential to make a bigger mistake. Once someone mistreats you, it doesn't make any sense to keep them in your orbit--for any reason. Not even curiosity.

 

Focus on your family and friends and building yourself UP at this time. It's important to recognize that you're not grieving the guy as much as your fantasies 'about' him and an overinvestment for such a short period of time. Most people are NOT our match. Early dating is for this kind of stuff to shake out, and if you psyche yourself into future visions about someone so prematurely, that alone can set you up for heartbreak for any number of reasons. So add self control over fantasy building to your list of confidence enhancing tools for the future, and head high.

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