apples Posted July 21, 2017 Share Posted July 21, 2017 Sometimes writing everything out helps me get a better understanding of certain situations. I'm sorry for the long post, I do want some advice, but I mainly need to vent. I've been living with my boyfriend for the past year, we've been together for 2 years. He lost his job at the end of March, and things between us have been a huge roller coaster full of downs since. When we fight, it's because alcohol has been involved. Both of us have cut back and set limits with that, because with everything going on we can't afford it, and he is so horrible when he drinks too much. I am not perfect either. He's not physically abusive, but he gets very verbally abusive. He brings things up from the past, like relationships. We had a rough patch a year and a half ago and he constantly brings that up and throws it in my face. The smallest things he will blow up at. Example, we one night sat down with our dinner and were going to watch a movie. As soon as he hit "play", my boss had texted me (A text I was waiting for all week, I had gotten a HUGE raise) When I picked up my phone he lost his temper. Said things like this, "I'm not hungry. I can't believe I made this for us", and turned the movie off saying I was being a "real piece of sh*%" Every week it's something small like that, and he loses it. I'm not perfect though either. I have a mouth on me as well, and will say things out of anger. I've called him a piece of sh*% before. I've called him an Ahole. I've smacked him a few times. Which, he says is physically abusive. I want to get the fact that I have smacked him off my chest. And I'm not saying I was right, I feel horrible. Just back story, as I did not just smack him because I was angry and no reason. The first time I smacked him was close to the beginning of our relationship. I had found out he went through my phone and deleted people he didn't want me speaking to. The second time I smacked him, he had accused me of being deceitful. Which was not the case. I have been nothing but faithful to him. The third time I smacked him, I had found out he had a girl over at his apartment at 3am, (before we moved in together) and tried to say it was okay and there was nothing wrong with that. I'm not a physical person. I do feel bad for those, but I do not see my actions as I am abusive towards him like he says. Back to the first time I smacked him. I was upset about him going through my phone. He had made a point that he's not comfortable with me speaking to people I have had a sexual past with. I get that, and had told him the way he went about it was wrong. I wasn't speaking to anyone though, it was just contacts and people I was friends with on Facebook. Fast forward to last night, and my trigger for coming on here today. We both decided to have a few drinks and watch a movie. I had posted a picture of him on Facebook earlier (it was a funny picture of him looking like Ryan Cabrera) and a girl had commented on it. Nothing bad, it was along the lines of "I remember that awful haircut you used to have". So I clicked on her. I wasn't snooping, but now FB let's you see people's interactions with mutual friends when you simply click the name, and all of their interactions we're right there. There was a comment she made just a few months ago to my bf, that she remembers the day they first met. She mentioned a red lace top and skirt and how she knew it drove him crazy. He didn't comment back or anything. And there were some other things from the past. But mainly they were still in communication to this day. I asked my bf who she was, and come to find out he slept with her years ago. I got very upset. Like angry. And I ended up being the over dramatic one and messed up last night. I said it's not fair of him to speak to people he's had a past with, but he can physically delete people from mine. We then argued until 6am. Most of this started when he lost his job. I've been trying so hard to be there for him and support him mentally and financially, but not being over bearing. We've had our issues in the past, but nothing we couldn't handle. Nothing big enough (in my eyes) to end things. When things are good, we are AMAZING. So caring and loving towards each other. We do everything together. We have this chemistry that I've never experienced before. I was with someone for almost 6 years, and never felt this amount of love. Yes, 2 years isn't long. But my feelings are so deep and so true for him. That's what's making this SO HARD. I know this relationship can't go on if things continue to be this way. I know that a lot of this post is bashing him, but I haven't been great either. So it's not just him. I'm having such a hard time trying to figure out what to do, and how to go about this situation. I want him in my life, I don't want to lose him. I don't know if I have the strength to leave. I keep telling myself that we can get through this and be better than ever, and to not abandon him. He's in a very dark place right now. I've never seen him this low, and this anger he has towards me isn't him. And this isn't me either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted July 21, 2017 Share Posted July 21, 2017 You are both wrong, and UNHEALTHY TOGETHER! You both have issues with abuse. End this mess, and get some therapy for your issues. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happyfrank Posted July 21, 2017 Share Posted July 21, 2017 If you want the relationship to work. Stop drinking and both of you need to speak with therapist. Both of you have issues to deal with. He has a drinking problem and you need to deal with anger management. You should never hit anybody. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
apples Posted July 21, 2017 Author Share Posted July 21, 2017 You are both wrong, and UNHEALTHY TOGETHER! You both have issues with abuse. End this mess, and get some therapy for your issues. I have been seeing my therapist for about a year now. I'm am trying to urge my bf to see someone as well. I have been trying to better myself, because I do have issues. I have suffered from depression and bipolar disorder almost my whole life, and he knows this. Things again, were great until he lost his job. I'm terrified to end this, although it needs to happen. Any advice on how to cope with this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
apples Posted July 21, 2017 Author Share Posted July 21, 2017 If you want the relationship to work. Stop drinking and both of you need to speak with therapist. Both of you have issues to deal with. He has a drinking problem and you need to deal with anger management. You should never hit anybody. Good luck. Thank you for your honesty. I have been seeking help, I've been seeing my therapist for about a year now. I personally deal with depression and bipolar disorder, it's been a struggle. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted July 21, 2017 Share Posted July 21, 2017 If he doesn't want to help himself, then there is nothing you can do. The relationship will not work, if only one party wants change. If he doesn't work, how does he pay for booze? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happyfrank Posted July 21, 2017 Share Posted July 21, 2017 Thank you for your honesty. I have been seeking help, I've been seeing my therapist for about a year now. I personally deal with depression and bipolar disorder, it's been a struggle. No worries. It's a struggle but it's manageable. People that I know that have bipolar disorder take mood-stabilizing medication and it seems to help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
apples Posted July 21, 2017 Author Share Posted July 21, 2017 If he doesn't want to help himself, then there is nothing you can do. The relationship will not work, if only one party wants change. If he doesn't work, how does he pay for booze? He got severance from losing his job. At first I was buying him alcohol all the time because I felt awful and wanted to cheer him up a bit. But after the first month it got out of hand. Also, with my job, I have had since mid June off work (I have two months PTO) so we're around each other constantly. And drinking with both of us escalated because we had that "vacation" mentality. We both have really cut down on drinking this past month. Only drank socially. And that was working beautifully. last night we decided to "have fun" and ended as usual when we drink. A fight. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
apples Posted July 21, 2017 Author Share Posted July 21, 2017 No worries. It's a struggle but it's manageable. People that I know that have bipolar disorder take mood-stabilizing medication and it seems to help. I have been told I NEED those. I currently do not have insurance, so getting the full help I need isn't possible Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted July 21, 2017 Share Posted July 21, 2017 Don't spend the money on the partying, and use it on the meds. Is he looking for a job, or is he still on 'vacation?' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
apples Posted July 21, 2017 Author Share Posted July 21, 2017 Don't spend the money on the partying, and use it on the meds. Is he looking for a job, or is he still on 'vacation?' He's still in "vacation" mode. He says he's looking for jobs and there's nothing. He's in radio, and there truly is nothing out there right now. But he hasn't been doing anything else. Just drinking and laying around. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaHermes Posted July 21, 2017 Share Posted July 21, 2017 There are graduates flipping burgers and waiting on tables, even driving cabs. Of course there is work out there! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
apples Posted July 21, 2017 Author Share Posted July 21, 2017 There are graduates flipping burgers and waiting on tables, even driving cabs. Of course there is work out there! That's what I've been saying!! I even looked up a bunch of jobs for him. He's not doing anything about it. At all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaHermes Posted July 21, 2017 Share Posted July 21, 2017 Get rid of him Apples. And strike out on your own. This isn't going anywhere. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted July 21, 2017 Share Posted July 21, 2017 Someone I know was in a relationship like this. He has an arrest record because the neighbors called the police during one of their many fights. Now he's unemployable. Don't wait for it to get to this point. Sure, you love him. But surely you realize you can fall in love with someone else with whom you won't engage in substance abuse and physical altercations, risking your future. Plus, wouldn't it be nice to have someone who would help pay the bills?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted July 22, 2017 Share Posted July 22, 2017 Get rid of this loser. He is affecting your mental health, and bringing you down. How much longer to you want to support this guy? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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