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Not sure what my next step should be?!?! Help please


neuman65

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BACKGROUND: I met my now boyfriend when I was 16 and he was 20. We had no idea it would turn into a relationship but 3 months of texting and hanging out once in a while turned into more than just a friendship. We started out as a long distance relationship (2.5 hours), he worked and i finished high school and worked. College time came around and i went to a university 1.5 hours closer to him. It was perfect we saw eachother so much more just about every weekend. Sophmore year of college, we found out we were pregnant (3 years dating) and were 4.5 months along. Moved in with him, had our daughter and been living life together ever since. No break ups or crazy fights everything has been great but one thing.

 

Main Issue: Now 22 and 26 years old with a 2 year old daughter and two dogs in a 5.5 year relationship. We live off his income while I continue college (almost done!) and there is no issue with money. My frustration is he has not proposed yet. I dont know whats holding him back and it is irritating to me. We have a happy little family together, own home free and clear, have 2 amazing businesses but nothing that makes him and I official. His family addresses me as his Mrs. and my extended family just started saying the same thing. 😠 Biggest pet peeve.

 

THE RING: I have a gorgeous ring from my late grandma and am going to use the diamonds out of hers (rocks!). He had me go out and find where and what i want. Designs were made 10 months ago and I brought him to the jeweler to see what I wanted and meet the designer. He encouraged this whole process but still nothing has happened. I still see my grandma's ring on his nightstand and nothing. Since I picked out the ring I have not talked about marriage or proposing since then until...

 

CURRENT: He promised me by my birthday he would propose but nothing (a few weeks ago). (He told me to stop talking about it to give him a chance to propose) Day after birthday I address my frustration and gave him a final deadline of the end of 2017. Should I have? He keeps saying he wants to get married. I have already agreed to the pre nup terms. I told him I am even willing to get married the courthouse so he us not the center of attention (he dislike that) but he says I deserve a big wedding.

 

MY CONFUSION: Should I just stay living with him for a while? If so how long? Should I move out with my daughter so he knows how important marriage is to me? We already live like a married couple, so should I have held out on things? I do not know what to call him anymore bf, living partner, practically husband but not official, my daughter's father? Im lost and very confused. I do not want to lose him but I do not know how to prove a point.

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Honestly that is what he wants a big wedding, see when i was with the mother of my kid she kept going on about marriage we never did because i wanted somwthing big. Maybe thats what he wants a big wedding for you guys.the way i see it and maybe he does to, getting married is suppose to be the happiest days of your lives.he wants things to be perfect

Why would he want you to go and speak with people about wedding stuff? Perhaps that reason.if yall are happy why are you rushing him? Honestly ask him yourself ask hiw he invisions him getting married not sure if you asked but maybe thats what he wants.

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Main Issue: Now 22 and 26 years old with a 2 year old daughter and two dogs in a 5.5 year relationship. We live off his income while I continue college (almost done!) and there is no issue with money. My frustration is he has not proposed yet. I dont know whats holding him back and it is irritating to me.

You moved in with him. You both have a house, kid and pets.

In his eyes, he is already established and see no rush to getting married. You've enabled it by moving in too soon and making him too comfortable with the relationship than to progress it further. Sort of like the saying...

Why buy the milk when you got the cow for free?

 

In his defense, you are not financially situated. I wouldn't marry a person who doesn't have a job lined up if I were him. You are still in school and not working a part-time job. You need that degree and career to be financially self-sufficient in case your relationship with him fails, and you need to exit/move out to provide for yourself and child alone. I planned my wedding while I was a full-time graduate student and full-time working, and it was a living nightmare. I seriously DO NOT recommend gettting married or wedding planning while you are still in school because you will be incredibly stressed out. Especially if you both want a big wedding because you will be heavily planning and spending money (like over $10K if you really want the big wedding).

 

I told him I am even willing to get married the courthouse so he us not the center of attention (he dislike that) but he says I deserve a big wedding.

He's saying this to get you to stay. He's disguising a promise with a better deal that he hasn't shown that he'd follow through. If this guy thought marriage was important, then he would agree with a courthouse wedding. You both could elope and then throw a big celebration later.

 

At this point, he's making excuses and creating a smokescreen.

 

Should I move out with my daughter so he knows how important marriage is to me?

Bad idea. Don't play games with him. This could significantly backfire and he could see it as you breaking up. And since you do not currently work, how will you financially support yourself and your child? You still need to finish school (I asssume it's far away from family?). On top of it, your boyfriend could also fight for custody rights of the child and use your unemployment as a leg up for his case.

 

 

If you're going to walk, be prepared to walk from the relationship. Ultimatums usually backfire, so don't be surprised when they do, and follow up with doing what you say. You've expressed that marriage is important, and the ball is still in his court- it is up to you to continue to play the game by staying in the relationship, or quit the game.

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You have done things backwards, wouldn't you say? You have already moved in, already had his child, therefore he isn't taking proposing to you too seriously.

 

He probably already feels that in many ways he's given you the commitment side of marriage and doesn't see the point in rushing.

Now that you are where you are, I can't see much point in walking out the door with the baby, it won't get you anywhere. Just take your time, he has given you the commitment. A ring won't change anything drastically at this point. Try to ease off and let him propose, he already knows how you feel.

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