Jump to content

Am I crazy?? Or is he just a jerk?


mace1234

Recommended Posts

I'm going to try to be objective about this because I genuinely don't want someone to just "tell me what I want to hear" or agree with/validate me. That's why I'm not discussing this with my friends or my mom, because I know they'll just take my side.

 

Today I got into an argument with my boyfriend of about a year over VIRTUALLY NOTHING. But what was alarming and upsetting about the argument is not what it was about, but how he handled the situation and the things he said.

 

We spent most of the day at the pool when all of a sudden, it's like all of the joy was drained from his body. He swam over to the side of the pool and just closed his eyes with an expressionless look on his face. Even little kids swimming around were noticing and confusedly looking over at him, then at me, then back at him. I, against my best judgement, asked what was wrong, and he of course said "nothing." I tried to shrug it off, because I've been in situations like this before and knew that if I kept asking, he'd just get frustrated (even though it is ALSO very frustrating to be around someone who spontaneously and unexpectedly begins acting like they will never smile again).

 

We drove back to my place, and he was still acting very cold, distant, and disinterested. I assumed that it was something I'd said, so I again (against my better judgement) asked what was wrong. He, again, said "nothing", and asked me what I was trying to do for the rest of the day. I gave him about 5 different options, feeling like I made it very clear that I was cool with whatever he wanted, including going our separate ways in case he wanted alone time or to be with family. He got frustrated for some reason, telling me that it "seemed like I already had a plan" for the day, as if I was being inflexible. I reassured him that I only wanted what he wanted, and wasn't set on anything.

 

He then accused me of trying to "prove something is wrong with him" by asking him what was wrong a few times. I don't know about you all, but I'm not super interested in spending time with people who are in no way acting like they want to be around you, so I pretty much told him that I was going to go inside and that we could just meet up some other day. For whatever reason this really made him mad, and he accused me of not being there for him, not wanting to "solve the problem", and trying to blame him and point the finger at him.

 

I've noticed whenever I am frustrated with him he claims, "oh yeah, it's always my fault, because you're so perfect!" I don't personally feel like I'm perfect or that I'm never wrong, many times I apologize for saying something that upsets him and try to fix my behavior because I've realized over the years that if someone you trust is telling you that you're making them feel bad, then you should at least take a step back and see it from their perspective. But hey, I make mistakes and I'm really not afraid to admit it.

 

At this point in the conversation, I was pretty frustrated because it seemed like from the beginning, I was trying to get to the root of the problem by asking what's wrong, what do you want to do, what do you want, etc. So I got out of the car and told him I'd really prefer if we talked later so that we had time to think about things. He once again accused me of "not being there for him", claiming that if I was too "petty" to deal with the problem, then there's no way I could deal with serious problems in the future and that a "long term relationship" wasn't right for us. To me, it really seemed like he was telling me "get back in the car or it's over." He did actually even say "either we talk about this now or maybe we shouldn't talk anymore."

 

I explained to him the ways that I felt that I had been "there for him", but he kept dismissively saying "whatever" whenever I implied that'd he'd been part of the problem, if not the root of the problem in this situation. We said goodbye and I went inside alone.

 

I personally feel like I shouldn't have to do so much emotional labor to 1) figure out why he's acting so upset, 2) try and get him out of his bad mood. But what's the alternative? If I try to distance myself from the situation by implying that I really don't want to hang around a super moody and cold person, then I'm "not there for him". It's like I either hang around and laboriously try to cheer him up, or let him be and do my own thing (because my life really doesn't revolve around him/his moods, and I actually have a lot of things to do).

 

I understand that he may be acting detached because he is anxious or depressed about something, but is it too much to ask for him to express that to me verbally so that I know? I really, genuinely want to hear an objective opinion of this, I'm not just saying that. I'm stuck in a rough spot because I don't want to dismiss my feelings but I also don't want to overreact and place blame when I've also made an error. SOMEONE PLEASE HELP! Sorry, I know this is a long post.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Why does he have to be in an enthusiastic mood all the time? Maybe he was tired and drained (sounds like he was) but still wanted to spend time with you. You've obviously just assumed that he was upset and moody when he was probably just being himself, and what he's hearing from you is that's not good enough. If that's what you truly feel, then why would you want to be with him?

 

Seems like a lack of adequate communication and lack of understanding on both sides. Both getting indignant and defensive. I can understand why he'd feel that you created this problem out of thin air if he didn't see an issue with his behaviour. I can also understand that you felt uneasy about him being in a flat mood (regardless of what caused it)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So he wants you to be "there for him" and help him solve his problem, but he won't tell you what the problem is..... not much you can do when someone doesn't communicate with you.

 

According to your story, you have nothing to feel bad about. You're not his psychiatrist, you're his girlfriend. Let him be your boyfriend and communicate with you, not be an attention seeking child.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You are being manipulated. He is looking to gaslight you. Look it up. You have done nothing wrong. His communication style is not good at all! You need to run. That's a circular conversation and you can't win with that.

 

 

 

So he wants you to be "there for him" and help him solve his problem, but he won't tell you what the problem is..... not much you can do when someone doesn't communicate with you.

 

According to your story, you have nothing to feel bad about. You're not his psychiatrist, you're his girlfriend. Let him be your boyfriend and communicate with you, not be an attention seeking child.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You are being manipulated. He is looking to gaslight you. Look it up. You have done nothing wrong. His communication style is not good at all! You need to run. That's a circular conversation and you can't win with that.

 

^^This.

 

Abe is right – this is gas lighting, good 'n' proper. If you have to ask the question "Am I crazy?" it's a big red flag, frankly. Good, healthy relationships should never make you feel like you're crazy, questioning if you're the problem.

 

You did nothing wrong in asking your boyfriend if he was okay. If you hadn't asked that, he'd probably accuse you of not caring about him enough to notice/ask what's wrong. It's a conversation you cannot win. If this is his fighting style, you're in for a world of confusion, frustration and 'crazy-making' feelings.

 

It's easier said than done. But please leave a relationship that doesn't make you feel good about yourself and question whether you've 'done something wrong' all the time. It's great that you're emotionally intelligent enough to try to see things from your partner's perspective all the time, but this can entrap you. Sit down, breathe, listen to your intuition and ask yourself: was this a 'normal' response from someone to a partner who's enquiring whether or not they're okay? I suspect not. You're his girlfriend, not his social worker/therapist.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sorry but I can only echo what's already been said. This reeks of passive aggressive behavior, along with some weird gas lighting and manipulation going on from him to you.

His mood turned dark. You asked what's wrong, he refused to answer and then proceeded to pick a fight with you and blame you and make you out to be the crazy one. This is soo soo soo not good. Your response to actually not cater to this is correct. In fact, you should consider ending things with him completely.

 

With people like that, you can never reason with them and they will turn around everything on you one way or another. There is something very off with his behavior, subtle, but off. Unfortunately, any attempts by you to confront him, point it out or otherwise imply that it's him that's the problem will only make things worse for you as he will really turn on you and might even become vindictive toward you in some way. Keep in mind that vindictive people will not be openly vindictive, but rather hide in the shadows and undermine you in different ways. Like picking a fight over seemingly nothing, breaking something you care about seemingly accidentally, etc, etc, etc.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Why does he have to be in an enthusiastic mood all the time? Maybe he was tired and drained (sounds like he was) but still wanted to spend time with you. You've obviously just assumed that he was upset and moody when he was probably just being himself, and what he's hearing from you is that's not good enough. If that's what you truly feel, then why would you want to be with him?

 

Seems like a lack of adequate communication and lack of understanding on both sides. Both getting indignant and defensive. I can understand why he'd feel that you created this problem out of thin air if he didn't see an issue with his behaviour. I can also understand that you felt uneasy about him being in a flat mood (regardless of what caused it)

I don't care how tired he was, he should not be acting this way.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Your gut feeling is right. He was treating you like a JERK.

You don't deserve this, EVER. for him to just go to the other side of the pool, for example. This is not love, friendship....this is a mess and YOU NEED TO PUT HIM IN HIS PLACE.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

  • Top Discussions this Week

  • Our picks

    • Why You Should NEVER Chase Your Ex
      You should NEVER chase your ex, no matter what... even if you want to get back together. In this video, I’ll explain what exactly I mean by that… and why it’s so important if you want your ex back. Here's the simple truth: if you DO want to give yourself the best possible chance of starting over with your ex, you simply CANNOT let yourself start chasing them… it just doesn’t work, even though it’s the natural human reaction to a breakup and often feels like the right way to get them back. Even if you DON'T want your ex back, you still shouldn't let yourself chase after them. Watch the full video to find out why...

       
      • 0 replies
    • How Do You Know She’s The One? 5 Signs She’s The One & 1 Red Flag! 🚩
      How Do You Know She’s The One? 5 Signs She’s The One & 1 Red Flag! 🚩... In this dating advice video, I will explain to you how to know she’s the one and give you five signs she’s the one as well as give you one red flag that you need to look out for. You may want to know whether she’s the one on first dates, online dating, or somewhere in the dating process. Take heed to these dating tips and be sure to watch the entire video.

       
      • 0 replies
    • 5 Odd Signs You're Seeking Approval from Others Outside of Yourself
      In this YouTube Video, Lisa A Romano discusses 5 signs that indicate you're still seeking approval from others outside of you. If you are codependent, and you struggle with self-love, you may not realize the signs you're seeking approval from others. Childhood trauma and emotional neglect lead to a sense of feeling unseen. If you feel unseen, you may seek approval in odd ways. It may not be obvious when you are looking for validation from others. In this video, Lisa A Romano breaks down these 5 signs, and what they mean; hypervigilance, neediness, low self-worth, never feeling fulfilled and what it means when you become a perpetual seeker.

       
      • 0 replies
    • 3 Simple Strategies To Ditch The Imposter Syndrome
      Have you ever felt like you're a fraud who doesn't belong? According to a recent article published in the International Journal of Behavioral Science, seven in every ten people have or will experience impostor syndrome at some point in their lives. We couldn't see our tribe suffering from this anymore, so we brought in the person who'll help you ditch this feeling for good. In this video, peak performance expert Shadé Zahrai joins Vishen to discuss how to supercharge your life and improve your self-esteem by constructing your own reality, leveraging your self-awareness, and regaining control over your inner critic

       
      • 0 replies
    • 5 Things People Who’ve Been Mentally Abused Do
      Do you know how common mental abuse is? According to The National Center for Biotechnology Information, 80 percent of the population has experienced some form of abusive relationship and behavior. However, despite how frequent it is, emotional abuse is still hard to spot. Unlike physical abuse, mental abuse doesn’t leave any visible scars; instead, it affects someone’s behavior, mindset, and mentality. This means some people deny they’ve been mentally abused, and others may not even recognize the toxic behavior. So, whether you’re reading this to be able to recognize emotional abuse in others or recognize it in yourself, these a few things people who’ve been mentally abused do are sure to help you be more empathetic and kinder.

       
      • 0 replies
×
×
  • Create New...