Where do you draw the line? GF's and guy friends

[Lion-Guy]

Hey guys, need some quick help on this one. Please help

 

 

Yesterday my GF says in passing she is going running tomorrow after work with a friend. We just started running together as a couple and it was something we were bonding over. I didn’t ask who bc I sensed she didn’t want to tell me.

 

 

Then next time we talk she tells me it is a guy she met last time she was on vacation. (The guy ran back from the plane to get her number and he happens to live an hour away). We were just getting in a relationship at the time and I wasn’t happy she gave her number out. I was back home and not with her. But she felt guilty enough to tell me I think.

 

 

GF and I talked for 30 mins on the phone and I nicely told her I was not happy about her going running with him and I don’t think it is appropriate. I said you wouldn’t want me to go take girls out to do stuff like that without you around. She agreed. 1. The guys is driving 1:15min in traffic to see her (way out of his way) and 2. I already told her I don’t think it is appropriate. 3. This is still a new relationship (4 months) we don't have tons of trust built up yet. She says I need to trust her and she doesn’t want to miss out on fun activities bc she is in a relationship. But I feel like she is disrespecting my wishes. Am I being controlling? Shouldn't she want to respect how I feel?

 

 

She sent me a screen grab and she did tell the guy she has a BF and this will only be as friends and the guy said ok.

 

 

At what point is it appropriate and when do I need to put my foot down and say no? The more I say no the more she will want to do things like this so I get that part. But I don’t want to be walked on, cheated in anyway. I have had 2 relationships end over the girl cheating behind my back. I have been dating this girl 4 months and it has been great for her and me. She did allow an ex over for drinks a month ago and let him profess his feelings for her before he left the state and did not tell me until the day after. I was pretty upset about that and she agreed it was not right, but she said she wanted closure and they went their separate ways. I always keep my cool in front of her and don't raise my voice or anything but deep down it bothers me. I feel like this is too much.

 

Where do you draw the line?

[vesper]

Well, this is a way that you can build your trust with her and learn if she is faithful.

[abitbroken]

i am with you, actually. This isn't an old classmate that was on her trackteam that happens to be a guy. This is a guy that she JUST MET on her last vacation. He's a new guy.

 

(The guy ran back from the plane to get her number and he happens to live an hour away).

 

This guy thinks she is single or if not, that he's standing in line. It would sound romantic to most people to meet someone on vacation and then have someone running through the airport terminal to give their phone number to someone.

[DancingFool]

I can be incredibly oblivious about when a guy is actually hitting on me.....but in this case....even I am not that dense and that's saying a lot. Obviously this guy is not seeking to be a platonic pal, she knows this and she is entertaining and encouraging his attention.

 

As for you, you've expressed how you feel. Now all you can do is sit back, observe what she does with it and then make a decision whether to stay or go. Unfortunately, you do not tell a grown adult how to behave, who to see or who to be friends with and how. You simply decide that their boundaries, behavior, values are either right or wrong for you. If wrong, then you simply end things and move on. Preferably you end things before you get cheated on. Given that it's only been 4 months, you are still in that honeymoon stage anyway, so of course everything seems perfect.....until now at least.

 

Since you say that you've been cheated on before more than once, I'd say that you might want to examine why/how you keep choosing and staying with women who will do that. Are you ignoring red flags? Are you picking ladies who are super flirty and attention needy? Are you staying on too long when it's already obvious things are not good? As unpleasant as this may be, you are the common denominator.

[abitbroken]

She did allow an ex over for drinks a month ago and let him profess his feelings for her before he left the state and did not tell me until the day after. I was pretty upset about that and she agreed it was not right, but she said she wanted closure and they went their separate ways. I always keep my cool in front of her and don't raise my voice or anything but deep down it bothers me. I feel like this is too much.

 

So..she didn't MEET him for drinks..she had him OVER at her HOUSE for drinks. In the words of Charlie Murphy, she is a perpetual line stepper. I mean --- she wants closure with the guy AT HER HOUSE 3 months into her relationship with you? That sounds more like testing it out to see if there is still chemistry.

[Liraele]

"Putting your foot down" rarely goes over well in any relationship. People tend to respond better to being asked rather than told to do/not do something; their response gives you an opportunity to decide how you want to move forward, and sometimes that means without them.

 

That you're uncomfortable with the friendship should be enough to talk to your girlfriend about it. Set some expectations for what's expected through this type of friendship with a member of the opposite sex - communication with you, openness, honesty, etc. Being up front about your expectations (meaning: if she's running with him, say "I'm going out to run with Joe" not just "I'm going out to run with a friend, bye!") sets you up to address breaches of trust immediately and effectively, there's no room for flakiness.

[Lion-Guy]

Thanks guys.

 

 

These are great lines "Unfortunately, you do not tell a grown adult how to behave, who to see or who to be friends with and how. You simply decide that their boundaries, behavior, values are either right or wrong for you" and "perpetual line stepper"

 

 

Yes, she allowed this old ex to come over to her house and not meet out somewhere, that was over stepping boundary number one for me. She apologized the day after and agreed it was a bad choice and said nothing even remotely happened.

 

 

 

 

Personally I would not entertain getting a girls number while on vacation and then meet up with her when I got home if I had a gf. I would not expect any GF to be ok with this and I don’t think she should.

 

 

 

 

YEs, trying to lay the boundaries out now rather then later. I told her for 30 mins that I don’t think it was a good idea and I think it is not appropriate. She said ok. Then TODAY she emails me saying that she is GOING anyway and I need to trust her and we shouldn’t change who we are just bc we are dating and if I have questions I should tell her. and sends a screen shot of text telling the guy she has a bf and this will only be as friends.

 

 

ugh

[Lion-Guy]

So, from what I gather, it would be appropriate to tell her one more time: "It is your decision, but I am not happy about it."

 

-or-what do you all suggest I say. I need to write her back

[DancingFool]

So, from what I gather, it would be appropriate to tell her one more time: "It is your decision, but I am not happy about it."

 

-or-what do you all suggest I say. I need to write her back

 

You don't tell her or try to teach her. You simply need to decide if her behavior is acceptable to you or not. If not, then the only thing you need to tell her is that it was nice knowing her but this isn't working out for you and you wish her the best with her life and then you move on.

 

Stop trying to tell, teach, argue, discuss. Some things are simply common sense and you don't need to discuss them with a grown woman like she is a child. She KNOWS she is crossing boundaries and as long as you willing to lecture her, but then stick around, what you are really telling her is that after all the whining and moaning about it, ultimately you'll roll over, accept things, and keep dating her. In other words, all your lectures mean nothing.

[rosephase]

You can't "put your foot down" and force her to do what you want. You can't make rules for other people in a relationship all you can do is define your own boundaries. Defining your boundaries isn't about what she can and can't do, it's what you and will not handle in a relationship. If you can't be partnered with someone who goes jogging with a guy she met on a plane then you need to remove yourself from the relationship.

[Lion-Guy]

Ok thanks everyone!!!! Makes lots of sense Dancingfool and rose phase.

 

I will say nothing to her email and text and she what she decides to do.

[HeartGoesOn]

Rather than telling her, it's time to show her what you mean by your actions. The more chances you give someone the less respect they’ll start to have for you.

 

She's not afraid of losing you because no matter what, you won't walk away. Either way, it's not "her decision", it's yours. Respect yourself...

[Lion-Guy]

Actions speak louder then words. So true. If she goes with him I'm 80% sure I will break up with her. I personally can't be in a relationship with a girl that meets guys on vacation, exchanges contact info and wants to link up when they get back and do things together that we were bonding over. Simply because I have to work tonight and can't join. If this was a one time thing, fine, but this is the second type of event (first being allowing an ex over to your house at night for a drink) and not telling me till the day after.

 

I have a huge knot in my stomach right now.

[Mari]

So, from what I gather, it would be appropriate to tell her one more time: "It is your decision, but I am not happy about it."

 

-or-what do you all suggest I say. I need to write her back

 

Can you go running with both of them? Ask if you can tag along. Other than that if this relationship isn't at your comfort level then you can try for a different girl.

[Giblesp]

Hard to say without knowing her. In my experience as a trainer most taken women like eye candy, attention and a back up plan. Sorry, but that's the truth. In fact the ones with the BF's back home are usually more flirtatious and forward than the single ones, perhaps because I don't go with taken women and that makes me unavailable to them.

 

She could be just unaware, especially if she's young ie 21ish. Otherwise I'd say that she's a bit immature and unaware and/or she likes eye candy, attention and a back up plan. Either way, its not the best sign and if you tell her how you want her to be you'll be labelled as controlling. You also run the risk as being labelled jealous for merely expressing how it makes you feel, however you definitely should do this.

 

Its more complicated then it should be, which is why I wouldn't advise getting emotionally committed to these sorts of women.

[Lion-Guy]

I can't go, I have work till midnight. She's 35, she hasn't had a bf in 4yrs. Shes cute but she isn't out of this world like my last gf. She has a fun outgoing personality and will talk to anyone. She isn't about eye candy but she wears revealing clothing running that would catch any guys eye.

 

It's more about the fact that I expressed my opinion clearly and carefully and she is disregarding it. She even agreed yesterday that she wasn't going to go. I held it in as much as I could and never got upset. I think she is just naive that this guy likes her and is not caring enough about how I feel.

 

I'm getting messages saying "don't worry, he knows its just friends and I can come over afterwards if that makes you feel better. And I wouldn't do anything to jeaporidzie our relationship." Yet she is jeapordizing it in my eyes.

 

If this was just a coworker or old friend or a random person she met in the parking I'd feel much better. If this guy clearly felt the need to run back, get her info, she gave it, and then there is the coordination and texting it takes to make this meet up work and 1:15min drive each way on his part.

[DancingFool]

I can't go, I have work till midnight. She's 35, she hasn't had a bf in 4yrs. Shes cute but she isn't out of this world like my last gf. She has a fun outgoing personality and will talk to anyone. She isn't about eye candy but she wears revealing clothing running that would catch any guys eye.

 

It's more about the fact that I expressed my opinion clearly and carefully and she is disregarding it. She even agreed yesterday that she wasn't going to go. I held it in as much as I could and never got upset. I think she is just naive that this guy likes her and is not caring enough about how I feel.

 

I'm getting messages saying "don't worry, he knows its just friends and I can come over afterwards if that makes you feel better. And I wouldn't do anything to jeaporidzie our relationship." Yet she is jeapordizing it in my eyes.

 

If this was just a coworker or old friend or a random person she met in the parking I'd feel much better. If this guy clearly felt the need to run back, get her info, she gave it, and then there is the coordination and texting it takes to make this meet up work and 1:15min drive each way on his part.

 

Please don't make excuses for a 35 year old grown azz woman. NO, she is not that stupid.

 

Glad you are starting to realize that this didn't just happen out of the blue. They have been talking.

 

So....what are you actually going to do about it? Stick around or dump her?

[nutbrownhare]

The really crucial thing here is that it's someone she's only just met. As you say, if it were an old friend or colleague where it was clear nothing untoward was ever going to happen, that shouldn't be a problem.

 

Heck, a guy doesn't go running after a girl to get her phone number and then make a long drive just to be platonic friends, and at her age she's well aware of that. You've got no idea whether anything physical will come from this encounter, and you can only trust people to be themselves. One thing you can be quite confident about is that she will continue to meet up with other guys in a way where you feel very uncomfortable, and will consider this to be perfectly justified - it's happened twice and you've only been together for four months.

 

Being in a relationship where you're stomach's in knots isn't going to do you any good, but you can expect more of it if you continue this relationship.

[Honeycomb8]

At your age, you should be at a stage where you're passed the BS and wouldn't want to waste your time.

This is BS. She's 35 and is acting like a high schooler in need of attention.

I think it's time to be single and hopefully find someone who doesn't pull this bs on you.

[Hollyj]

She knows he likes her as more than a friend; therefore, it is disrespectful. She cares more about her ego, than the relationship. I would be done.

[Hollyj]

Can you go running with both of them? Ask if you can tag along. Other than that if this relationship isn't at your comfort level then you can try for a different girl.

 

 

No, no, no! You are not her chaperone.

[ParisPaulette]

Her actions would be a big no for me and I'd already have ended things telling her that her boundaries and mine are just too different, good luck with that. And I'd have walked.

 

Because here's the thing, I have close guy friends I've had for ages. I introduced them to my now husband at the time right away, as did he with his female friends. But what you describe? Letting an ex over to profess his feelings - why would she even tell you that? Why would anyone in their right damn mind even let an ex drop by in the first place when one is supposedly in a committed relationship?

 

But then to take the number of some total stranger who runs back to give it to her, who is driving out of his way to see her, and she's pulling the whole "Oh, this is just a friendship thing!" I call absolute total steaming pile of BS on this, because a woman knows when she's being hit on and set up to be hit on. Men who want to be friends are the guys you work with, the people you've known since childhood, maybe a neighbor, people you have something in common with.

 

But a total stranger, "Oh, I just want to be your friend even though I have to go out of my way to do so and yeah, I know you have a boyfriend but still that's all I want. I'll drive over an hour to see you though, because I am so lacking in friendship that I'll just go out of my way to do that." Yeah, right, Uh-huh. You know what I do with those people? I toss the number and tell them nicely or not so nicely, depending on how nice or not nice they are to politely flip off. I'm in a committed relationship and I already have friends, good ones who have my back. I don't need some total stranger setting me up to be hit on or worse. Why would I even do that?

 

The thing is every guy and woman out there over the age of 15 should bloody well know the whole "I just want to be friends" line from someone going well out of their way to track a person down and spend time with them of the opposite and/or preferred sex is not looking for friendship. So your girlfriend knows this and in fact, is putting herself in a lot of potential danger since this guy could just disappear her off the face of the earth for all anyone knows, but that's on her to look out for her own safety. It's not your call to do that beyond pointing out, 'What exactly do you know about this guy and what is your plan if he doesn't take no for an answer?"

 

But really you can't control her, that's true. All you can control is do you want to get cheated on a third time or do you want to stop this right out of the gate and find a woman with some common sense. I am friends with plenty of guys. I would never go running with some guy I didn't know who went out of his way to promise me only "friendship." Also just how desperate is your girlfriend for friends? I mean, she can't go running with anyone else? She has to make dates with a stranger going out of his way to run with, because god forbid she should just do that with her boyfriend or her established friends?

 

The whole thing stinks to high heaven, but you shouldn't be this woman's parent. So just tell her it violates your boundaries, the whole thing stinks, and you're out. Her lack of boundaries is her problem and maybe she has to lose a few relationships before she gets it, but this early in you are seeing a giant incompatibility in the boundaries department. And you are not wrong about that. I read this and thought, "What the hell is that girl thinking?" Nope.

[thornz]

Well you should have ended it when she had her ex over "for closure" because "for closure" implies residual feelings. If she needed that it should have been prior to getting involved with anyone else, and in a neutral setting, not her home.

 

You should have ended it when she accepted a mans number whilst you were dating (assuming you were agreed to be exclusive at this point) and since messaged him. This best case scenario is this guy is her back up plan, the worst case scenario is he's in her knickers (or soon going to be). She should not be entertaining the attentions of random dudes she met at the airport and meeting them because you are busy.

 

You should have ended it when she lied to you and told you she was meeting up with a "friend" to go jogging. He isn't a friend, this is a date.

 

If you stay with this woman she will continue to display a lack of respect for you, undermining your relationship with her poor boundaries and will likely cheat.

 

You should tell her that her behaviour is inappropriate and leave. Even if she says she will change I would still leave because she will continue to behave like this behind your back.

 

Please show some respect for yourself and dump this bish.