Dating a guy with a time limit

[Alex39]

So I have recently been on the online dating circuit and its been a very interesting experience. I have had bad past experiences with men and I have been trying to avoid that at all costs. This week alone I went on three dates with three different men. I am attempting to not keep all my eggs in one basket. I am open to seeing many men to see what options are out there for me and who steps up to the plate to be what I need.

 

On Sunday I met up with this man. We had been chatting for a while, and I finally suggested we meet. When I walk up to him, first impression, I was not impressed. He just didn't look like my usual type of guy. But after talking for a bit, he is not what I thought at all. He was nice, funny, talented, manly and respectful. A real true gentlemen towards me. Wouldn't let me pay for a thing. We talked for hours and hours. He listened to me, teased me, and we had great banter back and forth. I was very comfortable. We had a great time. He wasn't my ideal guy, but his personality really stuck with me as someone I liked. He isn't originally from the area, but tells me how he hopes to settle here for a few years and then see where it goes. He says if he met a girl then that would change things for him. His job is a primary outside job as a sports management professional, so now being summer is ideal. I asked him what he does in the winter time. He said he has the option to stay and do indoor desk work, or the company will relocate him for a few months so he can work outside with clients, which is what he loves to do. He said he was unsure of what he was going to do yet.

 

Now this notion of him potentially leaving is my worst fear. I have been through that time and time again and its not fun, nor stable for me. I am also currently talking to other guys who are staying around this area for sure, so its hard for me to compare. But I liked this guys personality. We really hit it off. He then slightly tells me how his last two years of college he lived with a girlfriend, but he almost alluded to the fact that they broke up upon graduation, because he was going to be traveling for work. He's now lived in multiple cities, but claims he hopes to stay here for many years to have some stability.

 

We kept talking afterwards through text message and we quickly planned another date for Wednesday, which was yesterday. We met up for dinner at this really nice restaurant. We ordered drinks. We talked and talked. We laughed, had a great time. He opened up to me about his messed up family. It was deep, and I liked that he opened up to let me in some personal things. Again, great date, really hit it off. He insisted on paying for everything, even though I offered, he wasn't having it. He even took me out for ice cream, after the date, and we spent a lot of time together talking. He kept trying to touch me. It was so cute. He would graze my hand, shoulder, leg, with his hand. I would tap my foot against his "by accident" and little things like that. We seemed to have that chemistry going throughout the night.

 

Towards the end of the night he brings up his lifestyle again to me. Claiming that in the coming months he is going to be much busier and nights like this one won't be as common. He says how he normally has Mondays off, but that might even go away for a while, if its busy. He says how lots of people in his field, meet a girl before there career takes off, and they make it work, and usually end up married, or they have to wait until their 30s because then their career starts to slow down, for them to be able to date. He then tells me how he most likely will leave for the winter because he can't stand it here with not being outside. He said he could be gone many months or just one or two. He said he needs someone who is okay with that and can handle it.

 

I was speechless. This was my fear again. I didn't know what to say. I know I can do distance. I did it in the past. The only reason it failed was that the guy I was with couldn't do it, didn't want to put effort in, and didn't try hard enough. But I keep asking myself, do I want to do it? Do I want to be that girl waiting around? Do I want to have to go to christmas parties and new years events, and my birthday alone, even thought I have someone who is somewhere else? I truly don't know. I was so bummed that this had to end our great date. My mother told me that I should keep seeing him and see what happens, because we aren't serious and he could change his mind. I agree with her. She also said she thinks its strange he is bringing this up on a second date as its a lot to ask of someone so soon. I also agree with that. I'm unsure of why he is telling me this. Does he just want someone while he's here? He tells me all his friends are getting married and he is sick of being around all of them alone. He even told me recently he has been saying no to things, because he doesn't want to go alone. Is he telling me to warn me, but still wants to see me? Is he seeing if I am okay with his lifestyle? I can't quite figure out why he keeps mentioning it.

 

I'm unsure of what to think or do really. I don't want to be in the situation, like I was with an ex, where I was almost trying to win him over so he would stay. Its not a game to be won, its a relationship between two people. I also don't want t be in that situation of counting down the days until he leaves, feeling rushed and pressured.

 

I don't know what to do. I would like to keep dating him, but I am unsure if that's going to be okay.

[DancingFool]

First, I actually see some concerning red flags in his behavior....I think you do too in terms of feeling rushed and pressured. You are being weirdly rushed and pressured and that's never ever a good thing. The whole him sharing his bad family stuff on date two......not cute, totally totally inappropriate and these kinds of things can be manipulative. By your own admission it made you feel special and instantly closer to him emotionally because he shared these private issues with you. This is actually a red flag the size of China.

 

Honestly, I think you already know the answer - red flags, weird pressure, his lifestyle doesn't fit what you want. The only part that is confusing you is that he is very charismatic and you are drawn to that like pretty much everyone is. Regardless, this would be a good time for you to use your brain and just say no to him. I wouldn't go on any more dates or waste any more time on him simply because you are going to get in deeper and get attached fast. Your judgment is already getting clouded and this is definitely where you need to listen to your reason and gut and cut this off while it's still easy to do.

[Batya33]

I think he is a stand up guy for being so honest with you from the get go about the constraints of his chosen career. Long distance is not for everyone (and it wasn't for me but I married someone I dated long distance but only because we knew each other very well and had dated in the past) and it's totally fine if it's not for you. I don't think you need to talk about it further-he's given you all the information you need to know. Sure, he might be looking for a casual fling so don't have sex with him right away, wait until you are exclusive and committed -months is fine, too especially if you don't see him that often.

 

If you ask him again it's going to start seeming like nagging/badgering/too much too soon. So take it slow as far as not letting yourself get emotionally attached too soon.

Holidays and birthdays "alone" - no, not alone -just maybe not with him. Done that many times including while married as my husband travels for his career. Many people do. I'm not "alone" I'm just not with my husband. If you want to be with someone who doesn't have to travel for his career or where he's "in the area" (but no guarantees of course) then only date men whose jobs are in your area, focused in your area, and are not looking to travel for longer periods of time or move. Then also understand that many of the men who do travel/relocate often do that for more interesting work, promotions, more money - so a person whose not willing to do that might also have more financial limitations.

 

When we did long distance we had enough money to see each other about every 11 days for 3-4 days at a time. From the first date (when we got back together) our purpose in dating was to see if we should get married. Otherwise I wouldn't have done it. With this guy, too soon to tell if his actions will match his words but decide whether you need someone to be with you for social and holiday events and if the answer is yes he is definitely not a good match. He seems like a very considerate and honest person, so far.

[indea08]

I think the guy is just trying to be very transparent with you, so you know what to expect with him and can make an informed decision in dating him. I agree with your mom, you should just have fun with little expectation and see how it goes.

 

When I started seeing my husband, he was planning on joining the military in about three months. So, we moved in together and crammed in a relationship for three months to decide if we wanted to continue seeing each other throughout his military career. Well, we both fell in love and guess what?? He never left, found a different career, and married me!

 

Plans always change, you never know how things will go. You might as well enjoy a good thing while you have it.

[SoulTaker]

He said he has the option to stay and do indoor desk work, or the company will relocate him for a few months so he can work outside with clients, which is what he loves to do. He said he was unsure of what he was going to do yet.

 

Claiming that in the coming months he is going to be much busier and nights like this one won't be as common. He says how he normally has Mondays off, but that might even go away for a while, if its busy. He says how lots of people in his field, meet a girl before there career takes off, and they make it work, and usually end up married, or they have to wait until their 30s because then their career starts to slow down, for them to be able to date. He then tells me how he most likely will leave for the winter because he can't stand it here with not being outside. He said he could be gone many months or just one or two. He said he needs someone who is okay with that and can handle it.

 

If your "lifestyle" doesn't match up with his "lifestyle", then it isn't a good match. Who cares about what other people in his group does. If this fits into what you're looking for in dating a man, then go for it. If it doesn't, then leave him.

 

Don't be taken in by his charming personality. Live your life, and not someone else's life.

[tattoobunnie]

He's sharing over the top ideas to get into your pants faster. Just have fun. But he's telling right up front, he may not be around in the long run.

[catfeeder]

I'd be as honest with him as he's being with me. I'd tell him what you told us and let the chips fall.