Confusing response from ex

[EnterTheVoid]

Hi you all, I've shared my story here on enotalone before. Basically i was in a relationship which ended a couple of months back. The reason was that my girlfriend had some motivation problems and was unable to support herself, after being patient for several months i eventually started communicating my frustration to her, they eventually turned into really bad arguments, my girlfriend no longer could not take it and ended the relationship. Both of us had our flaws in this relationship, her situation wasn't the best and i had been a jerk to her a couple of times, i wouldn't deny.

 

I tried my best to stay in NC but i couldn't and broke it a couple of times.

 

One time she and i had a long discussion online and it was almost like we were back together, she promised me that she'd improve her financial situation and once she does she'd contact me again to reconcile.

 

2 months later she contacts me saying that she has changed her mind, that she doesn't want me or want to be in any relationship. Since her attitude had changed completely from the last time i asked her what was wrong. She seemed very intense towards me like i had done something wrong. She finally texted me saying that she's tired of having to answer my questions as to why she doesn't want to be with me, it's just her decision and for christ's sake (her own words) i should stop and leave her alone.

 

I was completely shocked and had no idea what to do, i was in public and on the verge of tears specially because of the tone of language. I finally said okay and never contacted her again.

 

It's been 2 months now and I'm still scratching my head wondering why this sudden change of attitude happened.

 

I would like to hear your opinions.

 

Thanks.

[JustinPonders]

Here's my take on this. She's blaming you for her lack of progress. Don't worry about it, she'll be back. Absolutely, 100% go NC on her. Don't you dare give her the satisfaction of ever hearing your voice again. She's a woman of low integrity and you'll find a kick-ass girlfriend brotha. I promise you. Keep your head up man, you deserve it!

[kbbcoop77]

I think she found someone else and the stress of your relationship with her all of a sudden seemed not worth it to her. She found someone who makes her happy not stressed out.

[EnterTheVoid]

I think she found someone else and the stress of your relationship with her all of a sudden seemed not worth it to her. She found someone who makes her happy not stressed out.

 

Well she barely has a social life, and doesn't look after herself much either. So i always felt like the chances of her finding another guy were slim. But yes i could be wrong and that could totally be the reason. Because when my first ex broke up with me "I'm not ready for a relationship" was exactly what i heard and few days later she was with another guy. lol.

 

Edit- If she really did find someone i hope she will be happy. I guess as hard as it is for me, i should move on. And because she was rude to me the last time I'm too scared to break NC which i guess is a good thing.

[Giblesp]

She probably hasnt managed to make the changes she said she would, and is taking it out on you. Easier to make it your fault than hers. Maybe some other poor man in the picture who now has to deal with her insecurities. Bullet dodged, move on.

[DancingFool]

By your own admission, you were kind of a jerk to her and things between you were strained for a long time.

 

My best guess is that she actually got her act together and realized that she doesn't need or want you anymore and actually moved on. On top of that, you dumped her, so I don't know why you were sitting there thinking she would be happy with you about that. She is actually right to be rude to you because you know what? You still don't respect her as we speak. In your own words, she isn't desirable, a slob, you would be shocked that another guy would actually be interested in her. Your attitude......looking in from the outside is rather shocking. Stay NC and go find a girl you actually like and respect. This one you sure don't and I think you both deserve better partners than each other.

[jennylove]

Wait, am I reading this right??

 

so you guys talked online about getting back together once her situation was better. And then neither of you talked for 2 months? And then after 2 months she sent you that explosive text and told you to leave her alone, when in fact, she was the one who reached out after 2 months to say she changed her mind?

[Minica]

Here's my take on this. She's blaming you for her lack of progress. Don't worry about it, she'll be back. Absolutely, 100% go NC on her. Don't you dare give her the satisfaction of ever hearing your voice again. She's a woman of low integrity and you'll find a kick-ass girlfriend brotha. I promise you. Keep your head up man, you deserve it!

 

 

 

I second this!! Great advice. Listen to him..

[EnterTheVoid]

By your own admission, you were kind of a jerk to her and things between you were strained for a long time.

 

My best guess is that she actually got her act together and realized that she doesn't need or want you anymore and actually moved on. On top of that, you dumped her, so I don't know why you were sitting there thinking she would be happy with you about that. She is actually right to be rude to you because you know what? You still don't respect her as we speak. In your own words, she isn't desirable, a slob, you would be shocked that another guy would actually be interested in her. Your attitude......looking in from the outside is rather shocking. Stay NC and go find a girl you actually like and respect. This one you sure don't and I think you both deserve better partners than each other.

 

Hi DF, she dumped me, i didn't dump her, but yes things were strained between us for a long time. And I'm aware that my opinion of her isn't very good. But honestly i don't like feeling that way either. When i first met her she was ambitious and motivated then she changed for the worse, and so did my opinion of her. But i would not deny that sometimes i didn't handle it the best way possible and ended up hurting her feelings and putting her down, which i regret to this day.

[EnterTheVoid]

Wait, am I reading this right??

 

so you guys talked online about getting back together once her situation was better. And then neither of you talked for 2 months? And then after 2 months she sent you that explosive text and told you to leave her alone, when in fact, she was the one who reached out after 2 months to say she changed her mind?

 

She sent me a formal text first, when i asked her what was wrong she became explosive instantly.

[eidetic]

Sounds like you examined the worth of a woman who was struggling with something that was interfering with her ability to make ends meet -- the stress of basic survival -- and took her down another notch or two, to her face. Several times.

 

It's interesting that we are willing to let a girlfriend or boyfriend flounder, and to judge them for it, instead of helping or taking up some of the burden of living a life. What I can tell you is that this approach doesn't work in a marriage. Rather than monitor a spouse's way in the world with an eye toward their failings, we're better to work together on life's challenges and basic obligations with open room for each partner's strengths as well as their areas of still learning, and gratitude and open appreciation for their contributions.

 

You can break people's spirits with your words and judgments. It sounds like she arrived at some clear understanding that you perceived her as low value and "less than". It's pretty heartbreaking.

[EnterTheVoid]

Sounds like you examined the worth of a woman who was struggling with something that was interfering with her ability to make ends meet -- the stress of basic survival -- and took her down another notch or two, to her face. Several times.

 

It's interesting that we are willing to let a girlfriend or boyfriend flounder, and to judge them for it, instead of helping or taking up some of the burden of living a life. What I can tell you is that this approach doesn't work in a marriage. Rather than monitor a spouse's way in the world with an eye toward their failings, we're better to work together on life's challenges and basic obligations with open room for each partner's strengths as well as their areas of still learning, and gratitude and open appreciation for their contributions.

 

You can break people's spirits with your words and judgments. It sounds like she arrived at some clear understanding that you perceived her as low value and "less than". It's pretty heartbreaking.

 

Edetic, i tried helping her every way i could. Helping her learn new trades, even finding her projects to make money. But she would eventually give up on each and every single one of them saying she doesn't enjoy it or saying that she's meant for bigger things than that. I didn't just sit there criticizing her.

[eidetic]

I understand. But it sounds like you were trying to "fix" her, and the assumption or message there is that's she's broken or wrong.

 

If she suddenly tailspinned out of nowhere and neither of you understood why, it may be that she was newly processing some old or sudden emotional injury. Sometimes people need therapy around that, and sometimes they just need acceptance and gentleness from the other people in their lives, and to rest.

 

Oftentimes it takes a period of resting, for the individual to gather clarity about what is going on for them and how best to solve it either by their own actions or by engaging a therapist or other professional. If the person is pressured during that clarity gathering or rest period, an explosive response isn't out of the ordinary. It's self protection, the vulnerable person doing whatever it takes to make sure you don't do or say anything that might make their inner situation any worse.

[EnterTheVoid]

I understand. But it sounds like you were trying to "fix" her, and the assumption or message there is that's she's broken or wrong.

 

If she suddenly tailspinned out of nowhere and neither of you understood why, it may be that she was newly processing some old or sudden emotional injury. Sometimes people need therapy around that, and sometimes they just need acceptance and gentleness from the other people in their lives, and to rest.

 

Oftentimes it takes a period of resting, for the individual to gather clarity about what is going on for them and how best to solve it either by their own actions or by engaging a therapist or other professional. If the person is pressured during that clarity gathering or rest period, an explosive response isn't out of the ordinary. It's self protection, the vulnerable person doing whatever it takes to make sure you don't do or say anything that might make their inner situation any worse.

 

You are right. I agree. Do you think I'm emotionally abusive?

[eidetic]

Only if you mean to be. Otherwise I think we all are prone sometimes to say or do "the wrong thing" with a loved one in times of stress -- not because anyone is intentionally abusive, but from general (or specific) frustration and maybe not knowing a better or cleaner solution. Also especially when we're (possibly both) facing a situation we've never dealt with it or even imagined before.

 

I think we're all continuously learning and changing, and sometimes the key to change management and positive support in relationship is just to have a really good read on our own self and history, and basic default values and behaviors. In a way, it's up to us individually to carry our responses and reactions responsibly so that how we approach a loved one's identity, issues, circumstances or behaviors allows for that person still to be acceptable as they are. No one is perfect, and no one has it all exactly right. So this is just food for thought, a guess on my part, and not a judgment.

 

People under stress are likely to react more strongly or strangely to perceived conflict or criticism than we might expect, and may perceive negative intent where we didn't intend that at all. It doesn't mean we walk on eggshells; just that we approach with fairness and clarity as much as possible. I do get that you did so. I know it's also possible that she might say you were or are emotionally abusive, and while it's worth looking at, it also might vary wildly from person to person. Something you did or said wasn't right or safe for her. If that's true throughout your other relationships, weed it out. If it's not true of you, it's her own calibration. And that doesn't even mean she needs therapy or to "fix" that, necessarily, but maybe just that as a human being with specific temperament, she may either need different conditions or a different communication style in order to feel safe or right in relationship.