Cheap Skate Boyfriend??

[coconut5]

Next couple of months we will be one year together. We rarely argue. Relationship is great in general, but yesterday something happened and I felt hurt.

I must say my boyfriend is financially stable, he makes 600k+/year, own a couple million dollar house and multiple luxurious cars. So money was never an issue in the relationship. He does not support me financially and in my meanings I too do things to show him appreciation (like a few hundred dollar gift he will be getting in the mail next week for his birthday). So What I mean by showing numbers is that usually what is considered much to others, may not be much to him.

Yesterday he called to tell me he was getting out of work early and invited me for lunch.

Soon after we went to Olive Garden and we were talking about some ideas when the waitress asked what we would like. I order something out of the regular menu ($7 more expensive than the lunch menu, since it was meat), after she left he turns to me and asked if I did not order something from the lunch menu, knowing it was cheaper because I knew he was the one paying.

I answered: "no, babe... this is what I want, but no big deal, I pay for lunch today"

He kept on going saying how I was spoiled like my nephew (He always orders the most expensive for my sister to pay, his bill can easily be a couple hundred dollars for him alone).

I apologized and asked him to stop and he just could not to the point I told him I was not hungry anymore and would like to go home immediately.

He has being apologizing since, saying how stupid he acted, it was a though day at work, etc...

But it made me wonder because even though I do fine financially, seeing my partner spending thousand of dollars on pretty much anything he wants (his money), but offending and crushing me over a $15 dish is not what I look for in my life.

I feel I'm done, he feels like he made a mistake, but I should forgive because he learns from his mistakes and it's the first time he ever did it.

PS make it clear. No purse was ever bought to me, or shoes or expensive jewelry.

He pays for our trips which is his idea.

.

I would like some input.

[LaHermes]

Good heavens!!

 

Forget cheap skate. His manners could do with some polishing. Is he often like this?

 

You certainly do NOT want this in your life.

 

but offending and crushing me over a $15 dish is not what I look for in my life.

 

And it wasn't just him whining about the extra for the dish you ordered, but this, which is a personal attack

 

He kept on going saying how I was spoiled like my nephew

 

Very unpleasant.

[j.man]

Up to you how much the other elements make up for it. It's not that he's a cheapskate or even that he'd prefer you order off the lunch menu if he's footing the bill. It's his money, so he's entitled to his priorities. But assuming all was civil from your end, it's not good that he'd keep harping on the subject and make digs at both you and your family.

 

Again, if all the other aspects of the relationship are good, I suppose the easiest answer is to pay for your own food and drinks during your nights out.

 

PS make it clear. No purse was ever bought to me, or shoes or expensive jewelry.

Curious what this has to do with anything, though?

[LaHermes]

Actually, and it is unlikely anyhow that I'd be in the company of a person such as the OP describes, I would simply stand up and walk out of the restaurant. I cannot stand boorish behaviour.

 

 

Yesterday he called to tell me he was getting out of work early and invited me for lunch.

[coconut5]

Up to you how much the other elements make up for it. It's not that he's a cheapskate or even that he'd prefer you order off the lunch menu if he's footing the bill. It's his money, so he's entitled to his priorities. But assuming all was civil from your end, it's not good that he'd keep harping on the subject and make digs at both you and your family.

 

Again, if all the other aspects of the relationship are good, I suppose the easiest answer is to pay for your own food and drinks during your nights out.

 

Curious what this has to do with anything, though?

 

It means that I'm not the one to take advantage on his financial situation. So it could not be like he is feeling and taking from him.

.

Yes, civil. I do not scream, I do not offend.

Splitting the bill is not an option for me. Most of the restaurants he wants to go to are way too expensive for my finances.

He also wants me and my 2 kids to drop what I do for living and to move in with him, so he would support us. Clearly its not an option for me at the moment.

Not sure if it's the real reason why he is angry, but I will never move in with a boyfriend. I would need to be married first, and depending on him does not sound inviting either.

[LaHermes]

Splitting the bill is NOT the point here Coco.

 

He INVITED you to lunch. The least he could do is have the basic manners to keep his mouth shut and let you choose what you wanted from the menu.

 

My advice: do NOT under any circumstances drop your job and move in with this person. If he makes a stupid remark over a $7 difference in the price of a dish, then imagine if you can how he'd go into control-freak mode once you became dependent on him.

 

No, he and his move-in and drop all "invitation" does not sound inviting in the least.

 

Good for you for keeping your eyes open.

[j.man]

It means that I'm not the one to take advantage on his financial situation. So it could not be like he is feeling and taking from him.

.

Yes, civil. I do not scream, I do not offend.

Splitting the bill is not an option for me. Most of the restaurants he wants to go to are way too expensive for my finances.

He also wants me and my 2 kids to drop what I do for living and to move in with him, so he would support us. Clearly its not an option for me at the moment.

Not sure if it's the real reason why he is angry, but I will never move in with a boyfriend. I would need to be married first, and depending on him does not sound inviting either.

That speaks volumes then, doesn't it? Is he going to demand you order off the lunch deal menu when you're financially dependent on him and couldn't pay for your own meat dish even if you wanted to?

 

Sounds like someone very keen to use money as a means of control.

[ThatwasThen]

Sounds like he's been burnt by a gold digger or two and an old 'red flag' popped up when you weren't being frugal with your choice.

 

If you love him then let it go and see if he does indeed 'learn from his mistakes.'

 

I agree with those that have cautioned you to not move in with him, particularly not to give up your job/career. That isn't something that any woman should do in this day and age. We need to be able to take care of ourselves should the need arise.

[Scoe141]

Eh, there has to be more to it.

 

I mean is he subconsciously upset because you're not financially dependent on him? What I'm saying is, it sounds like this is a stressor following a culmination of other events that he may have suppressed.

[coconut5]

Eh, there has to be more to it.

 

I mean is he subconsciously upset because you're not financially dependent on him? What I'm saying is, it sounds like this is a stressor following a culmination of other events that he may have suppressed.

This is what I asked him today. It could not be a $7 difference in price. He easily drops $50-100 on tips alone.

He is not frugal with himself. Maybe he is with me???

botton line is that he was extremely offense over nothing, saw how much it hurt me and since apologize and try to make it seem like it was nothing and won't ever happen again.

Said there was nothing deeper into it. And I'm confused.

.

I do get people have bad days sometimes. Still it does not give you a free pass to offend your partner.

[coconut5]

Sounds like he's been burnt by a gold digger or two and an old 'red flag' popped up when you weren't being frugal with your choice.

 

If you love him then let it go and see if he does indeed 'learn from his mistakes.'

 

I agree with those that have cautioned you to not move in with him, particularly not to give up your job/career. That isn't something that any woman should do in this day and age. We need to be able to take care of ourselves should the need arise.

 

He pays alimony for life of a total of $10k/month to his ex wife (it used to be 17k but he got it dropped). So he does feel being taking advantage of.

[coconut5]

Anyway... even if he made way less, still only invite me to Olive Garden if you can afford Olive Garden, if you can't, I would be just fine having a frappè at Mcdonalds.

What I do not accept are the offenses, and to think it was over nothing makes me even more upset/disappointed.

[LaHermes]

Precisely this, Coco.

 

What I do not accept are the offenses, and to think it was over nothing makes me even more upset/disappointed.

[LaHermes]

Paying alimony to an ex-wife is not "being taken advantage of". I am sure it was agreed and he is obliged to do so, even if he got the amount reduced.

[coconut5]

Paying alimony to an ex-wife is not "being taken advantage of". I am sure it was agreed and he is obliged to do so, even if he got the amount reduced.

This is how he feels. Since she got half of everything during the divorce plus a great amount of cash. And she is capable of work and do so.

It was not an agreement, it was a court decision.

[boltnrun]

My ex husband was a bit like your guy, minus the $600k salary. He too wanted me 100% financially dependent on him. He'd say things like "You don't have to work! Working stresses you out too much, just stay home with the kids!" Then when I did, he'd say "You have no say! You don't contribute!" Um, raising the children, keeping the house clean and organized, cooking the meals and doing all the grocery shopping and laundry isn't contributing??? And HE was the one who didn't want me to work! I finally realized he didn't want me working because he WANTED to be able to control me. And me not bringing in money gave him the perfect excuse to lord over me and the kids.

 

I went out and got a full time job. He complained frequently about me working ("You're always so TIRED!") but I wouldn't stop because I knew he only wanted me to be a SAHM so he could lord over me. Of course we divorced because he couldn't adjust to a dynamic where his wife was an equal.

 

Please do not quit your job and move in with him with your kids. It seems like he will continue to attempt to control and belittle you if you do.

[LaHermes]

Well, his feelings of being hard done by are his, and it is up to him to deal with this resentment towards his ex-wife. I am sure she would not have got half of everything etc. if she were not entitled to it. But that is beside the point.

 

He should not be projecting his resentment on to you. His divorce had nothing to do with you, and their agreements or disagreements had/have nothing to do with you either.

[totojeto]

If this is one incident since you've been together, I'd say talk it out and let it go.

It might create some resentment, but sometimes the folks who work hard for they big money can be extremely cheap and cautious about it. Honestly I made a big scene once when I said I would pay for drinks (and the bill ended up $300 for 4 drinks!). We both didn't realize my bf was ordering some kind of special champagne (he said it was delicious). I ruined the whole night blaming him for his choice (even though knowing he didn't do it purposefully. And even if he did, ohh well... ) - we argued viciously...

 

So I'd give him a pass...But I would by no means give a pass to a guy wanting you to stop working if your financial future is not secure! That one I would sure watch out for... I would be extremely cautious ending up dependent on a guy (especially given you have two kids). To me it sounds extremely suspicious he would prefer this. Perhaps if you work hours where you don't have work/life balance? This indeed warrants a long talk...

[LaHermes]

All I can say is that I have been out and about with people who work very hard for big money, and they sure weren't or aren't cheap about it. Or obnoxious. I mean $7 ...I am still in shock lol.

Do not invite people if you are going to complain about what they order.

 

I feel, OP, that this little incident is only a slipping of the mask and part of a bigger picture.

 

Next time you could mention to him that "a shroud has no pockets".

[coconut5]

If this is one incident since you've been together, I'd say talk it out and let it go.

It might create some resentment, but sometimes the folks who work hard for they big money can be extremely cheap and cautious about it. Honestly I made a big scene once when I said I would pay for drinks (and the bill ended up $300 for 4 drinks!). We both didn't realize my bf was ordering some kind of special champagne (he said it was delicious). I ruined the whole night blaming him for his choice (even though knowing he didn't do it purposefully. And even if he did, ohh well... ) - we argued viciously...

 

So I'd give him a pass...But I would by no means give a pass to a guy wanting you to stop working if your financial future is not secure! That one I would sure watch out for... I would be extremely cautious ending up dependent on a guy (especially given you have two kids). To me it sounds extremely suspicious he would prefer this. Perhaps if you work hours where you don't have work/life balance? This indeed warrants a long talk...

 

I'm talking about $7 for a man who makes OVER 600K PER YEAR

No bill really means that much to him.

 

This episode was the first one ever. Never has he opened his mouth to say anything negative about me

I do love him, but have never said it to him. Still he gets all my love and attention and I get his.

I know I will forgive him, because what we have so far has being great. But I cannot deny my disappointment

[LaHermes]

You are doing great Coco. More importantly you have your wits about you and your eyes open.

[coconut5]

You are doing great Coco. More importantly you have your wits about you and your eyes open.

 

Thanks, LaHermes!

[totojeto]

I'm talking about $7 for a man who makes OVER 600K PER YEAR

No bill really means that much to him.

 

This episode was the first one ever. Never has he opened his mouth to say anything negative about me

I do love him, but have never said it to him. Still he gets all my love and attention and I get his.

I know I will forgive him, because what we have so far has being great. But I cannot deny my disappointment

 

Yes, it's not the $7 he cares about; it's something else that set him off. But again, if this is not a pattern, but as you wrote a one-off situation in 1 year relationship, I would pass it. I personally believe we are all allowed to sometime get upset about the most banal staff (yep, we do end up hurting the other side). It's then how you resolve the differences and whether you truly believe he indeed realized he had acted wrongly. (And I personally understand him not being happy about having to pay alimony - whether it's the law or not. That is a subjective feeling he is entitled to. ) However, if he keeps bringing this up in other aspects of life, then indeed 'red flag.'

 

Yet

"He also wants me and my 2 kids to drop what I do for living and to move in with him, so he would support us. " This is the issue I would have the problem with.

[coconut5]

Yes, it's not the $7 he cares about; it's something else that set him off. But again, if this is not a pattern, but as you wrote a one-off situation in 1 year relationship, I would pass it. I personally believe we are all allowed to sometime get upset about the most banal staff (yep, we do end up hurting the other side). It's then how you resolve the differences and whether you truly believe he indeed realized he had acted wrongly. (And I personally understand him not being happy about having to pay alimony - whether it's the law or not. That is a subjective feeling he is entitled to. ) However, if he keeps bringing this up in other aspects of life, then indeed 'red flag.'

 

Yet

"He also wants me and my 2 kids to drop what I do for living and to move in with him, so he would support us. " This is the issue I would have the problem with.

 

I am very business oriented and we are thinking about opening a new business together 50-50% with the business in the future paying for the investment. His idea to move forward with my business idea and he seems pretty excited about it. So I don't think he wants to lock me down to control me. But instead, I believe he wants to move forward faster than I want.

My mother moved in with me after my divorce few year ago, and she is very jealous and does not like our relationship regardless the fact he is usually "perfect" (treats my kids like his own, treats her greatly as well). So he deeply thinks she is the reason why I don't spend all my time with him. I can tell he has resentment over it.

[LaHermes]

He sure is entitled to his feelings. We all are.

 

Doesn't mean we have to take it out on the "other".

 

However, we have a saying which goes a bit like this: "what nature didn't give you no university can teach you."