Long Distance break up but I just want him back

[Moonhobbit9]

Hi all this is my first post and I would really appreciate some advice and insight as I am hurting pretty bad and I am trying to cling to the hope of getting my ex back.

 

My ex fiancé and I were together for almost 3 years and we have been in a LDR from day one. We got engaged while he was on leave from doing his 1 year national army service (Jan 2016) and even though we rarely saw eachother and had our ups and downs we weee pretty happy. After his army finished we decided that this summer I would go and stay with him for 4.5 months while he worked in the tourist area we met in but had not been to since meeting (in 2014). The longest time we had spent together prior to this was 10 weeks in 2015 before his army service started.

 

Horrifically the 4.5 months turned into just 4 weeks and now I am home and we have broken up. The main issue was that we are both incredibly jealous however I can not control my jealousy nor my insecurities and angry that come alongside it. I found myself getting very angry with him for just talking to female customers which I realise now was ridiculous as he works in a bar (he even changed bars to try make me feel more at ease) but at the time I just feared that he would find every girl more attractive or more interesting despite him always reassuring me.

After about 4/5 of these insidents he said I should go home as it was damaging the relationship but I refused as I didn't want us to be parted again. My fiancé therefore said he had no choice but to end the relationship as it was not making him happy and he said he didn't need me anymore, didn't want me anymore and said I wasn't enough for him anymore.

 

I booked my flight home but had 5 days to wait between the initial break up and me leaving. In this time I felt that my ex was very hot and cold and It really has confused me. He was still staying with me in our room and we were sleeping together however when I asked if we could spend time together during the day even as friends he said no. He told me that I needed to see a therapist to help me with controlling my emotions and that when I had changed we could be together but then the next day he would be saying our relationship was a mistake and was messaging other girls. When I left he said he needed time to think and that he didn't know what would happen, he said he hoped he would miss me but he really didn't know and that I should get help for me not for him as he didn't know if he could wait for me. During those 5 days he kept changing what he was saying would happen with us and I was practically begging him to take me back and told him no matter what happened in the next few months I still wanted to be with him some day.

 

1 day after the break up he message a girl we argued about the day I got there as I found out he asked her to go to a club the day before I arrived and failed to mention to her that he was engaged. I freaked out when I saw they were talking again but he said that showed him I can't change as she is just a friend and I was still making problems.

 

He told me not to ask any more questions, not to make anymore problems or cry otherwise he wouldn't see or talk to me for the rest of the time I was there. He came to say goodbye to me when I left but It felt so different, I was saying goodbye to someone I loved and he patted my back like a friend.

 

I know him and I truly trusted him and he reassured me so many times that He wouldn't be still with me if he wanted anyone else and I know I acted stupidly when his job involves interacting with people.

It's killing me jut I'm now on day 1 of no contact. My first therapy session is In 6 days time. But do you all think that 1) no contact will work and he will miss me even though he's in a party resort filled with girls

2) does it sound like he wants to be with me or was he just messing with my head

3) what do I do now and what do I do if I never see him again, is there anything else I can do to get him back

4) even though I made so many mistakes has he sort of proved me right by talking to this particular girl even though she had already caused problems with us

 

I love him so much and I know I pushed him away, I lost him trying not to lose him ultimately. I'm a mess, but I really want him back, please help 😢

[vesper]

My Dear.

You do NOT Need therapy. Your ex-fiance is /was cheating on you. Stop blaming this on you. I say he was cheating because of his reaction to you questioning his manner with female tourists.

[MissCanuck]

It doesn't sound as though your insecurity was totally unfounded, OP. Normally I would say to get a handle on yourself, but it seems your instincts that he was sniffing around for other girls was spot-on. What was he doing asking other girls to go to the club and neglecting to mention he was engaged?

 

Sorry, but this guy was just not committed the way you thought and certainly not marriage material. My guess is this was not the first girl he'd been talking to behind your back and was just ticked that he got caught and had to deal with fall-out. You didn't trust him because it appears he is not trustworthy.

 

I know it hurts now but I very much doubt you two were going to end up Happily Ever After. He is nowhere near ready for that.

[eidetic]

Don't go to therapy to "fix yourself" for this guy.

 

Someone who loves you is not going to make you feel this wrong, and especially not deliberately and at core level. You could spend literally thousands of dollars and years of therapy trying to get to the bottom of that, and this person still would transgress as he pleased and find something else "wrong" with *you* to justify it.

 

What are your deal breakers? He seems to say that your jealousy is one of his. But if out of bounds behavior with other women is a deal breaker for you? -- and if it's not, maybe it should be? -- then his debasing assessment of you doesn't matter, and is *nothing* for you to waste money on therapy trying so dearly to fix. Honestly men like that sound like misogynists to me.

 

From what you've said, it really just sounds like he was in the wrong. And not worthy of you.

[Moonhobbit9]

Thank you both for the quick replies!

Things just don't add up properly or maybe it's just me because I'm still very much in love with him? Before I went he would constantly tell me where he was and what he was doing and I did feel at ease it was just being in the resort (where I have been 20+ times) made me even more anxious than ever and was probably not the best place for us.

 

I feel like I over reacted when I shouldn't have and pushed him away each time I did. I made a scene at his work and cried there Infront of his boss when he suggested me going home which I feel was the final straw as I embarrassed him. Prior to this other people would come up to me asking if I was his girlfriend as they had heard so much about me and that he spoke very highly of me so I do think this girl was a one off but then does that make it worse. I'm scared he wants her now and not me and terrified that's truly it for us even though I would do anything to have him back.

[Moonhobbit9]

I do feel I need help with my emotions though as I find I'm very over jealous not just in relation to romantic relationships. A few months ago 2 of my best friends who hadn't met started talking to eachother and I felt and overwhelming feeling of anxiety that they would becomes friends with eachother and not want me. It really is not healthy 😫

[MissCanuck]

Thank you both for the quick replies!

Things just don't add up properly or maybe it's just me because I'm still very much in love with him? Before I went he would constantly tell me where he was and what he was doing and I did feel at ease it was just being in the resort (where I have been 20+ times) made me even more anxious than ever and was probably not the best place for us.

 

I feel like I over reacted when I shouldn't have and pushed him away each time I did. I made a scene at his work and cried there Infront of his boss when he suggested me going home which I feel was the final straw as I embarrassed him. Prior to this other people would come up to me asking if I was his girlfriend as they had heard so much about me and that he spoke very highly of me so I do think this girl was a one off but then does that make it worse. I'm scared he wants her now and not me and terrified that's truly it for us even though I would do anything to have him back.

 

Well, of course, this was absolutely inappropriate of you. And I would agree that you do need to learn healthier ways to handle yourself.

 

However, I also don't think this guy was committed to you in the way he led you to believe. If so, why invite other girls to go clubbing?

You mentioned this other girl has caused problems before between you - can you elaborate on that?

[boltnrun]

Were you hanging out at his work every day watching him?

[Moonhobbit9]

MissCanuk - we had a huge fight just before I went as my friend saw him and the girl sitting with him and laughing as my friend walked past the bar and I called him and screamed down the phone at him. He said they were just friends and that it had broke his heart that I didn't trust him. I messaged the girl to apologise as he said it upset her too but then she was very patronising as if to say "I would never act the way you did" and said she was going home the day I was going and not to worry she didn't want my man but I got there and she was still there and asked my fiancé to talk to her on whatsapp and she had told people she liked him. I asked him to not talk to her again and he promised he wouldn't then he messaged her the day after our break up and changed his phone password and started taking his phone to the toilet with him etc.

 

Boltunrun - I would go to the bar for about 3 hours each night and yes I would find myself watching him a lot which I know was dreadful. When he suggested I go home I said I wouldn't go there anymore then that would help a lot for us but he was not whiling to give it a go. I think I pushed and pushed too much by this point.

 

I'm going to get help and I'm going to change and I k ow I have to do that for me and not for him but how can I get him to believe me that I am changing and for him to give it another go. I know I need to give it time but I'm scared In the meantime he and this girl will get close. I know I caused this to happen and really wish I could turn back time. Day 2 of NC now after 3 years of talking every day and it's so so hard.

[Moonhobbit9]

Erm he has just this minute messaged me saying "whatcha doing, did you meet with your therapist yet" ...do I reply to him??

[MissCanuck]

Ask him if he's dropped the other girl yet.

 

I really don't see a happy ending for you here, OP. This has too many red flags all over it.

[Moonhobbit9]

So it went like this -

 

"Whatcha doing, did you meet with your therapist yet"

 

"Just watching something, no not yet my appointment is on Monday"

 

"Ok, how are you feeling? I hope you are feeling better"

 

"Not really but I'm trying"

 

"No don't try just do it and stay strong"....."by the way I loved your message on the mirror" (I wrote in lipstick on our mirror saying, I love you, I miss you, I want you, never forget as this was our thing during our LDR)

 

"I ruined my lipstick doing that ha...it's always true but you can clean that as I know it would get in the way of your own reflection 😝"

 

"Haha heyyy don't be sarcastic haha...you know what you should be"

 

"Normal? Not a monster"

 

"You were a monster for me but no one else....you know me I don't care about the past I just want you to be ok it was always my target and I will always support you"

 

"I appreciate that but you know me and know I still have hope we can try again someday"

 

"Don't think too much and just focus on yourself.....if I want us again you know I can find you anywhere even in hell....but this should not be our first target"

 

"I get that and I realise I don't need you but I still want you. I know it's going to take time but I would always try"

 

"I'm sure about it and I'm gonna try to get back but I lost everything in 3 weeks....I have no emotion, no feelings, I'm empty....I'm not sad I'm not happy I never felt this way"

 

"We both lost too much. I told you after some time we can start again, we have so much history and I messed up bad so it will feel strange but we should both try to be ok then after some time talk about it again...I wish I could have spoke like this a week ago"

 

"I wish too...you always getting everything wrong and always talking wrong but I was always thinking deep because I never wanted to break you heart. You were too selfish about it and used I love you as an excuse for your actions"

 

"I should have listened more, I just never thought this would actually happen"

 

"If you listened to me like you listened to your friends we would still be together but you realised everything too late"

 

"That's the hardest part! I told you I was thinking too much about the wrong things and I didn't think about the stuff that really mattered and I'm not expecting anything now just that I know all of my mistakes and if we got back together I would t make them again"

 

"Time is gonna tell us what will happen....but I'm always gonna be there for you you can call me anytime, I can still be your best friend"

 

Then he went on the day how he needed to go to the clinic as he had a bike accident and hurt his leg and he would message me later.....

[Moonhobbit9]

Came back and told me about his bike accident and then.....

 

"Anyway I'm pleased for you, you lost your fiancé but you gained really good f buddy"

 

"Don't say that I know you are joking but don't be saying things like that"

 

Continued to talk about our last intimate time together before I left and I said I was going to get ready and eat and he said "oh maybe I need to watch something then if you are rejecting me, can't I join you in the shower"

 

What the actual hell?! I really think he is testing me now because he knows usually I would either act really desperate and be happy he was wanting something from me or I would react and kick off about him saying he was going to "watch something". Either way I stayed calm and just left the conversation at that. Total mind f***

[MissCanuck]

Ugh, he's a tool.

 

Seriously. This is not the man you are going to marry. He tells you it's over, sends you all the way back home, and then tries to sext you? No. He sounds like a horny teenager, how old is he?

 

Emotionally mature, respectful and decent men don't break up with you and then attempt to get their rocks off with you. This says a lot about this guy's character, and it's not good. This is a classic player move.

 

I'm sorry OP, but you have dodged an unhappy marriage. I know you don't see it now, but this would have likely gone very sour very quickly.

[eidetic]

Sounds like he is ok throwing the idea of therapy at you and then overriding his own boundary about it. This isn't cool. Therapy is a dedicated and expensive undertaking, and it *can* change your life, worldview, and help you to overcome your own unwanted or impractical tendencies. But it's costly, and it isn't really a joke.

 

If this guy likes to lord it over you as though he is the more well-balanced person, THAT IS A PROBLEM. This is not a person who will support you emotionally when you need it -- and we *all* need it, throughout life's challenges and twists, even good ones.

 

I know his attention and apparent presence feels good to you. But know that this is not a committed or emotionally mature or responsible person. I have read over your exchange a few times and I can't quite put my finger on exactly what I don't like in it, but when he contacts you again, don't answer for a day or two. Sending you off instead of spending the time with what had been a serious relationship until then, was not right. You deserve much better and deeper than bratty texts.

[Moonhobbit9]

He is 25 and I'm 27.

 

He massaged me again last night telling me he missed me already and only broke up with me to make me go home as that resort was not the best environment to be in together. He said he loved me and that he only added that girl again to make me go home and that he hasn't spoken to her and sent me a screenshot of her saying hi and him ignoring it. He said he wished we hadn't gone to that area together (he did actually express doubts in April about us going there but I thought it would be fun for us). He then asked me to wake him up in the morning for work. I told him I would this one time but that I didn't think it was fair of him to say we were not together but expect me to act the same way I acted with him while we were. He apologised and said I was right and it was wrong of him to ask he just missed us already. He said he wouldn't message again for a while and I haven't heard from him today.

 

I honestly take all of your insight on board but this is all new to me, new situations and entirely new feelings too. If I was to take a couple months just to work on my self and have fun with my friends, look for a new job etc would I be a fool to still want to give it one more go. I was thinking of going back to the resort mid September so we could chat face to face about it and see if it is worth giving it a go. Of course I would also make sure he understood his errors too as now he still thinks he has done nothing wrong ( he doesn't know I know he asked a girl to go out clubbing as I can't drop the person who showed me the messages from this girl saying so, in the s***). I know everything needs to be aired out and he needs to take some if not a lot of responsibility and I know if this doesn't happen I do need to give up trying....but if we talked in September and he truly was honest about his actions and his motives and indeed his thoughts for the future, could we move past this whole episode? I am willing to try because I was so invested in us...even if that makes me a huge fool.

[MissCanuck]

He is not marriage material, and he won't be for a long time.

 

I wouldn't waste any more time on him. You will almost certainly regret it.

 

Work on your self-esteem, and then go find yourself a great local man who doesn't toy around with you like this, and doesn't "make you go home" so he can play with another girl.

[eidetic]

OP, no no no no no.

 

Do not go back to the resort. Do not have this relationship over texts.

 

If there is any promise or worth in this guy, the next thing that happens is he travels to YOU to repair this. Do not overcompensate; do not "make it easy" by meeting halfway or on his turf. He wants you or wants to make good? He can make the effort and energy and funds to travel to you. Do NOT overcompensate.

 

If it's all just in fun, for both of you, that's fine. But if you were truly thinking marriage, as it stands and from what you've described, that isn't what this guy is moving toward. If he is serious, he'll come to you in person and without bickering about effort, schedule, or expense. If he's not, he'll opt to keep this relationship contained in the text arena, where it can be fooled with and enjoyed or managed at his own whim.

 

Do not overcompensate. See this clearly, and mind his *actions*. Do not go back to resort.

[Moonhobbit9]

I understand what you mean but in this instance that is not possible. The only chance of us getting back together I would need to go to him to talk face to face as he would need to apply for a visa to come to me and couldn't do that till November (we were going to do this so he could come for Christmas anyway) but that's a lengthy process and not guaranteed even after all the paperwork and fees it can still be declined. It's not about overcompensating unfortunately it's just what's obtainable at this moment in time. Bahhhh everything is so hard!

[eidetic]

Ok, take this with a grain of salt. If he is at all traditional or traditionally socialized, by you making all the advances and effort, even if that is a pleasure for him to receive, you may be depriving him of opportunities to express his own masculinity and culture. You are putting him in the feminine role, and maybe he even likes that, but it is up to him as a mature masculine to make an effort. If he does not, it's no reflection on your worth, but rather on his ability, capacity, or desire to actually follow through.

 

It's too easy if you are the one doing all the traveling or action gestures. It's like a fish jumping into a barrel. Don't do this. It is only a few months until November or December. If he means it, he will do what is needed to come to you.

 

I don't understand why he needs to talk to you face to face in order to obtain a visa?

[MissCanuck]

What would have been the plan for married life, OP? That you would move to Turkey, or that he would try to immigrate to you?

[Moonhobbit9]

We were still talking about that as he had never been to my country it was hard to really decided until he had, which was the main reason he was going to try to come for Christmas and then we were going to sit down and talk about it again as there are pros and cons to both places.

[Moonhobbit9]

So I had my first therapy session last night and it was really helpful and the lady gave me a lot of insight into my feeling and actions already. Basically she mentioned that there are 3 ego states (the parent, the adult and the child) and that we all use these different ego states at different times given the situation. Basically for myself, when ever I am in a situation that scares me I get stuck in the child ego state meaning I can't see the facts and make rational decisions based on these facts for I am too busy feeling the situation which leads me to irrational thoughts and actions. This made perfect sense and I know the surge has just been scratched but I have booked to go back next Monday as she said she can teach me tools to not panic about the future or relive the past but to deal with the given moment correctly which in turn won't lead to bigger problems down the line.

 

My ex messaged me after my appointment to ask how it went. I told him she basically told me in more professional terms things he had been telling me for he past 1-2 years but that now I'm going o be able to find out how to actually act on it and thus change my mindset. We spoke a bit but then I told him while I appreciate he was supporting me some of the things he was saying to me suggested he felt an obligation to be there for him as I was for him when his dad died. I said I didn't need him as a friend because I loved him still and wanted more. At first he said he was sorry he made me feel that way and said he wouldn't message me and proceeded to basically say goodbye to me but then he said if we wanted to get back together we needed to talk. Today he asked me how I was feeling. I told him I felt optimistic that the therapy was going to be very helpful but that I was still not good because we were not together. He told me not to push him and that he needed time which I said I understood. I told him again I loved him and wanted to try again to which he replied "maybe we can, maybe we can't, time is going to tell us that". I didn't reply to this then half an hour later he asked me what I was doing. For the past 4 days even though I continue to get mixed messages he is always the one to initiate a conversation. I keep ending messages on my terms and he is quicker than ever to start up a new conversation. In our 3 years I was almost always the first to ask him what he was doing during the day.

 

I do appreciate the comments made so far around my situation and I don't know if I'm reading more than I should into things in hope of....hope I guess. 2 days ago he even said he recognised he was changing and that his ego was bigger than ever and he didn't want his character to change. He keeps messaging me being lovely and sending me photos of his food etc but as soon as I mention anything to do with the break up he changes and either doesn't reply for a while or says we shouldn't talk....but then messages me the next day. Last night he spent 1.5 hours talking to me which rally does give me hope because if he really wanted to be free and single as I feared he wouldn't be spending his night messaging me?? I'm still very much hurting and very much in a self imposed limbo. One hour I get myself to a place where I think "just don't mention anything and give him time, focus on other things and be patient" then the next hour I'm back to square one messaging him asking him to give us another go and we we can be happy again. I know it would be better for me if we didn't talk but that scares me so much that any chance we have will be lost if I don't let him know how I'm doing and how I'm improving. He said he wants to see me being strong and ok, I know noones wants to be begged or pushed into getting back with someone but then again every time he asks me how I am I feel I need to tell him I'm not ok because I'm worried once I say I am he will see his duty done and that will be that.

 

😢💔🤞🏻

[eidetic]

Moon, (((HUGS))).

 

I'm glad you have connected with a therapist, and I hope that goes well for you. You may want to make a choice soon about whether you are able to focus well on your self work and self healing while he is still willingly disrupting your peace of mind. This isn't so much about his treasuring you, which he very well might, as it is about his ability to override your need for quiet introspection and to break his own word about not contacting you. It doesn't sound like an impulse control thing either, but rather that he does not have a stable grasp on what he wants for the relationship or the future. He can only develop that constant vision with his own quiet introspection, which it doesn't sound like he is in a position or wanting to do.

 

If you want to marry him, you have to make him do his self work, because he isn't doing any right now and he isn't relationship material at all as he currently is. By this I mean you have to leave him alone, and make him leave you alone. You have a professional relationship at your call right now and you want to make the best use of that. As it stands, his continuing interactions with you are going to destabilize or occasionally set back whatever good progress you make with the therapist. Think of his continued contacts as a noisy monkey at your window. Shut the window and go away from it for a while. See what you learn with the therapist, for a while.

 

He wants to see you being strong and ok. What do you want to see in him? Your wants count. Your vision and dreams count. He isn't ideal. That he is expressing conditions for you to meet, is not ideal. Does this make sense? If a partner is telling you to change how you feel and just overlook his inadequate or transgressive behaviors or attitudes -- really, asking you to overlook his disregard of your heart and allow him to continue to relate insufficiently or selfishly -- the answer to that ask is just "No". Because in any partnership, both persons are equal, and both sets of needs and expectations and feelings count.

 

If you are exploring early childhood patterns, wounds, or themes in therapy, ask your therapist about EMDR. It may be a protocol that can help you fast-track to understanding and resolving old core issues. In the meantime, enjoy your guided and safe self review, and protect that space from his confusing intrusions. The therapy period is for *you*, for *your* health and individual future. It's a gift and you don't want any monkeys messing about and upsetting it in any way.

[Moonhobbit9]

Ok so bit of a late reply/update/kinda need more independent insight as my situation is still all over the place, as is my head (sorry if you are all sick of me and I don't want it to seem I have ignored everything that has been said to me previously 🤦🏼♀️

 

So I have continued to go to my therapy every week but also continued to talk to my ex every day. He has told me he's loves me and has promised we will get back together...just not yet. We talk about us all of the time and sometimes it's calm and rational and sometimes it's panicked and heated. I'm trying to deal with my automatic negative thoughts and possible patterns of subconscious self sabotage. I get and fully relate to everything I have been exploring in therapy however it's still so hard because at the same time I am still upset a lot because we are still broken up technically at the moment even though we talk like we are not and I'm worrying all of the time because he is adding girls to Instagram and going out with his friends every night. I trust he is doing nothing wrong and he spends 1-2 hours on the phone to me when he gets home before he sleeps but it is still really hard for me to accept that there's so many girls around him and they now know he is no longer with me. I trust him but I don't trust them and it's making me feel sick and it's not even anything he is doing. I find myself getting in a mood with him just if he doesn't message me for a while because I think he's not even thinking of me and having a great time without me then it ends up in an argument. I know this is me reapeating everything I was doing that ultimately lead to our break up and he said that's why we need to wait till the end of October to get back together, because we will just live the same problems and I will keep taking steps back in relation to my therapy.

 

Neither of us want to stop contact but I feel until we are face to face these issues can't be fully resolved as when we argue and he gets angry he ends up hanging up on me in frustration because he says he comes home and is looking forward to our chats but then it always ends up the same. I don't want to mess up the chance of getting back together but I'm finding it hard not bringing up my feelings.

 

Because he has promised we will be together again in a few months, that technically means we are on some sort of break? I have never been in that situation....where do we stand with each other? And do I even have the right to ask him where he is and what he's doing etc? I honestly believe he wouldn't sleep around in that time...he told me he is just adding girls who are customers to make sure they come back to the bar and to not worry about it because he will delete them soon and that he isn't talking to them...but he never added any while we are together even though he was still working in the same place.

 

Again part of me knows I should try to chill out about it all because it is going to end up in the same mess and then have a really clear face to face chat in October because it's so difficult talking about anything now...but I'm just finding it really hard currently due to the fact girls will see him as fair game now...but I want to keep him close because when we don't talk about any of this we are really great. Is he just wanting to have a flirt around for a while (as I say I know him and I know he wouldn't be sleeping around) before he commits to me again? I do really want to be with him and he's told me he really wants a future with me and that he knows he would never find anyone like me....but I basically have to wait for 10 weeks.