Engaged but having doubts - please help

[LizzieGeorge]

My boyfriend asked me to marry him recently, and although I said yes I've been feeling weirdly sad about the whole thing. A sort of sinking feeling, and I keep wanting to cry.

 

I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years. We rushed into living together in the beginning, after just three months, and after about a year I stopped wanting sex. I'd never been in a relationship longer than a year and people always say that the spark at the beginning doesn't last (which is what he said when I tried to talk to him about it) so I accepted this as normal and we persevered. I do love him but we've had our problems; he has a terrible temper and works so much I feel like I hardly see him some weeks. We also have a lot of areas where we don't match, which means there are big parts of my life which I can't share with him, and that makes me sad.

 

I tried to talk to him about our relationship a couple of years ago as I was feeling unhappy, and he got so upset and scared that I might leave him that he cried, vomited, didn't sleep that night and had to call in sick the next day. We didn't really resolve anything but I felt like trying to talk about it was a huge hurdle after that reaction. Six months later I broke up with him - or rather I tried to, but my alternative housing situation fell through and we ended up falling back into our old routine and got back together. He promised me at that point that he would come with me to couples counselling so we could sort things out, but he didn't. Every time I tried to set up an appointment for us he either said he couldn't because he was busy or he got irritated with me for "nagging". I gave up trying after six months or so.

 

I should make it clear that he is my best friend and I do love him. He's adorable and sweet and we love snuggling together. I find him cute like a puppy; I love him and we get on great but I don't find him sexually attractive at all. When I stopped wanting sex I didn't stop wanting sex altogether, I just stopped wanting sex with him. I stopped enjoying it with him and even find myself pulling away when he tries to kiss me properly (a peck on the lips is fine but I have no desire to french kiss him or kiss for long periods). He says it's fine with him that we don't have sex, like it's a sacrifice that he's willing to make to be with me and something we can work on later, but I'm not happy with it long term, and with the best will in the world even if we went to counselling to fix that specific problem how do you force yourself to fancy someone??

 

It's not the only problem, but am I being shallow about the sex thing? Is it even possible to fancy each other in a sexual way for that many years? I know we'd probably have a very happy home life and be great parents and everything if we got married, but I can't shake the feeling that you're supposed to want to rip each others clothes off on your wedding night, whereas I'll be closing my eyes and praying for it to be over.

 

I have no idea what to do. Has anyone else felt this before? Is it normal? Is it just cold feet? Should we take some time apart? I'm so sad and confused and terrified of hurting him and disappointing our families (who are all thrilled) so I don't want to do anything unless I'm sure it is necessary.

 

Please help

[rosephase]

Sounds like it's time to push for relationship counseling again. It's pretty normal for engaged couples to find one. This is stuff that should be clear and articulated before you get married. He needs to be able to hear you without freaking out like a child. And you need to be able to talk about sex realistically. If you aren't happy with your sex life DON'T GET MARRIED. You've already had four years that were basically sexless... is that something you want for the rest of your life? Do you want to fix your sex life? Do you want a open relationship so you can have your sexual need filled else where?

 

You've got to start thinking BIG BIG picture about what you want in your life. And he two of you need to be able to talk about all the things, even the hard things, even your fears... that is what builds healthy long standing committed relationships. A marriage councilor might be very helpful in getting this stuff out in the open so you can look at it.

[Elavohra]

Firstly, A relationship isn't any joke girl. A relationship is hard work. A relationship is all about patience, it's about investing time and energy. No man or a woman is complex, humans are complex. Nobody is perfect. People come with both imperfections and perfections and you must know it clearly. What if you choose another man who's only good at sex and lacks the rest of the qualities your current boyfriend has?

I know you've full right to go with your heart, but be wise enough to make a decision. Don't forget that everything has its consequences so better have an estimated calculation before saying No to your current dude.

[abitbroken]

I am going to ask you to reconsider the marriage.

 

In your case I think that lack of sex is just a symptom of a bigger problem.

 

do love him but we've had our problems; he has a terrible temper and works so much I feel like I hardly see him some weeks. We also have a lot of areas where we don't match, which means there are big parts of my life which I can't share with him, and that makes me sad.

 

 

Six months later I broke up with him - or rather I tried to, but my alternative housing situation fell through and we ended up falling back into our old routine and got back together.

 

Granted, its okay if your significant other likes different kinds of shows or movies, but when someone has an anger problem, you already tried to break up but felt powerless to because of a housing situation, and you feel you can't share your life with him...the best thing to do is to avoid a divorce down the road and break up with him NOW. For good --- and move out.

[abitbroken]

I know you've full right to go with your heart, but be wise enough to make a decision. Don't forget that everything has its consequences so better have an estimated calculation before saying No to your current dude.

 

If you have doubts about marrying someone and the prospect of marrying them makes you SAD ,....there is no better to reason to break it off. To imply that they may not find someone better is just plain off base. If a relationship makes you sad and anxious and you have tried to leave before --- then they need to break up.

[ThatwasThen]

I have no idea what to do.

If you left him now would you be able to support yourself? Seems you're only there because you couldn't the last time you left.

 

Don't marry him if you're going to be miserable. Neither of you deserve a life of resentment for being there and fear that you won't be. Not having sex with one another will only last for so long before one of you forgoes romantic relationship boundaries and finds themselves involved in a betrayal.

 

What is keeping you there. Please don't say because he'll be shattered. He will be even more so after you wed him and you finally get the gurl ballzzz to up and leave then.

[Elavohra]

If you have doubts about marrying someone and the prospect of marrying them makes you SAD ,....there is no better to reason to break it off. To imply that they may not find someone better is just plain off base. If a relationship makes you sad and anxious and you have tried to leave before --- then they need to break up.

 

I totally agree with you. Perhaps, I misread/misunderstood a few lines.

[zippitt]

Wow, sounds like my recent divorce and how my wife felt about me. With her she stopped being attracted to me because I stopped connecting with her on an emotional level, I was neglectful and hindsight is 20/20, so I guess sometimes things can be worked out, but only if you 100% honest with him which will be rough. This is just assuming his anger issues might be part of the cause or something related to his behavior, but if you just don't see him being physically attractive in any light then that won't work, you will have to really ask yourself why this changed. Obviously you were attracted to him at one point, what changed, can the change be resolved and how, is it something you are even willing to work through?

 

Just don't do what we did, 11 years gone after a divorce because we were too afraid to let go, we could have spent that time being happy with people we were better suited for...don't force something you don't want, you will regret it.

[Snny]

and although I said yes I've been feeling weirdly sad about the whole thing.

It's one thing to feel nervous, but being depressed about it is another level. This is a glaring red flag already.

 

You mentioned you felt rushed earlier in the relationship for moving in, yet you regret accepting a wedding proposal? Learn to speak up for yourself. You are in control of this relationship as much as he is. It takes two to tango. If you aren't ready for taking the relationship to another level, then you need to stand up for yourself and mean what you say despite of his temper tantrums/crying fits.

 

You need to set limits for yourself regardless of how one might react. Otherwise, this guy (or the next guy that comes along) will mow you down.

 

he has a terrible temper and works so much I feel like I hardly see him some weeks. We also have a lot of areas where we don't match, which means there are big parts of my life which I can't share with him, and that makes me sad.

 

I tried to talk to him about our relationship a couple of years ago as I was feeling unhappy, and he got so upset and scared that I might leave him that he cried, vomited, didn't sleep that night and had to call in sick the next day.

He needs therapy if he's got anger issues and is vomiting/calling out sick from work over a breakup. Seriously, he needs to nut up. These are deep, serious issues.

 

No couples counseling and making excuses? Definitely do not go through with this marriage. You will have constant problems with his emotional instability, and they will not go away if you marry him. Honestly, this relationship sounds like a prison based on his babyish behavior. Ewe.

[MissCanuck]

Your gut, heart and mind are all screaming at you: he isn't The One for you.

 

You've known that for a long time. Do the right thing - for both of you - and set him free.

[Lester]

"I Has anyone else felt this before?"

- Today alone, millions.

 

"Is it normal? Is it just cold feet?"

- For you and the aforementioned, perfectly normal. You bypassed the real commitments and happiest day of any married life thinking pop-culture's lie of home/bills/housework would suffice.

 

"Should we take some time apart?"

- This PopC band-aid won't help you either..., you're already apart. (Sorry!)

 

"I'm so sad and confused and terrified of hurting him and disappointing our families (who are all thrilled) so I don't want to do anything unless I'm sure it is necessary."

- It's not about others, it's about whether you wasted five years of your life, or not.

 

It's time to reset.

Put PopC's lies behind you and ask yourself, would I marry him today?

 

Yes, you have a lot of work ahead of you.

No, you wasted five years of your life..., try not to do it again.

[LaHermes]

This just blows my mind!

 

"I find him cute like a puppy; I love him and we get on great but I don't find him sexually attractive at all. When I stopped wanting sex I didn't stop wanting sex altogether, I just stopped wanting sex with him. I stopped enjoying it with him and even find myself pulling away when he tries to kiss me properly (a peck on the lips is fine but I have no desire to french kiss him or kiss for long periods). He says it's fine with him that we don't have sex, like it's a sacrifice that he's willing to make to be with me and something we can work on later, but I'm not happy with it long term, and with the best will in the world even if we went to counselling to fix that specific problem how do you force yourself to fancy someone??

"

 

You are, I take it, actually serious and this isn't some kind of fiction?