6 Weeks post BU - She hasn't contacted

[Jeffro15]

Kind of just want to get this out...

 

So 6 weeks ago my gf of 3 years (shes 29, I'm 32) broke up with me because I was unmotivated, distant, controlling and pessimistic. The reason for all of this is because I had just graduated college 6 months prior and was having trouble finding a job in my field and took a 3rd shift part time job I was unsatisfied with due to a criminal background (which she was made aware of before the 1st date). We had been living together for 1 1/2 years and I had become complacent and had little time to see her and became frustrated at my job and lack of finding a career. I was literally either sleeping or on my laptop for like the last 2 months of our relationship (which ironically was the only bad times of our relationship).

 

So, a week and a half before the BU I can tell she is growing really distant by ignoring me, barely kissing me and generally avoiding me or very curt in responses. I honestly thought it was something we could get over but it kept going on, so I text her 1 morning after she leaves for work because I couldn't sleep (3rd shift) to ask if she was going to break up with me. She says we should talk in person and I already knew the answer, so I say "well, i'll just move out now". I moved out that day taking all my stuff and some stuff I had bought for the house (which came in to play later). I tried some "begging", not really, just asked if we had a chance to make it work which she initially stated she didn't know, we could date but she didn't have an answer at the moment. She said she just wanted the house to herself and to be alone for awhile. Unfriend her on social media and go silent.

 

2 weeks go by without contact after the day of the BU and a family member sends me a pic of her and some guy hanging out. I flip and ask if that was the real reason why and get no response (my last outburst). 2 days later I calm down and reach out again to apologize for what I had done in the relationship (as it was obvious it was me and the guy was probably an FU to my actions) and make an amends by offering to give some stuff for the house back. She agrees and thanks me for understanding and I take it back a couple days later while shes out and call to say if she needs help I'm here.

 

10 days go by and I text again to ask if she was alright handling the stuff and see how she was doing. She texted back awhile later saying it was all fine and I ask her if it would be okay to call next week to inform her how an interview went I had just set up went. She declined and said it wasn't "necessary" to check up on her and I left it with "well, if you want to talk about things i'm here. I believe people can change. So, if you want to talk you know how to get ahold of me". She was very collected during this interaction, but so was I. After that we are on day 15 NC other than her adding me on snapchat which I added back and unfriended 2 days later after I saw she made those pictures I saw on instigram earlier public on facebook (I think this was to get a rise out of me). I think she either did this to show she wasn't dating him or to elicit a reaction from me. I asked a mutual friend if her relationship status changed and it hadn't, so if she wanted to make me upset or was really with him and didn't care I saw she would have changed it and made it public.

 

So, I hadn't done much damage other than initial begging and broke up through text. I know the guys not in the picture as I have done some cyber stalking (bad, i know) and believe even if they did try to date, that its no longer a thing, or was a 1 weekend thing. I also have seen where she has posted on pinterest in this NC things about missing me and I'm the best thing shes ever had and also post where shes strong and "can't no one hold her down". So I know shes thinking about me, but I also know thinking and missing doesn't equate to reconciliation. I don't think the issues are unfixable as I have started to take steps to correct them.

 

I know BU's take time and NC is "for me" and not to get back together, although its not really NC as she wanted space and I'm just giving it to her... I really want her back and statistics show that 1 in 3 LTR who live together breakup and get back together as well as 1 in 5 LTR who break up end up back together. I really do love this girl to death and she has a daughter I love, which she said I wasn't the best with because she compared how I acted with her to how I act with my nieces. Which isn't really fare because her daughters dad is still in the picture and he's a really good dad, so I was taking his feelings in to account, but she believed I should have been more like a dad to her. I guess I'm just looking for any advice on what to do, I do want her back. If I wanted to just move on this wouldn't be in the "Getting Back Together" section. I'm just hoping someone has advice, like maybe I should try reaching out again at a certain point or wait for her to contact me since she hasn't ever actually initiated since the BU. IDK, i've seen these forums come up with stellar ideas, and if you say "just move on" I'll appreciate the advice but it probably wont happen (yet).

 

Thanks.

[MissCanuck]

You have already told her that if she wants to talk and try to work it out, she can contact you. She hasn't done so. That's what you need to be looking at.

 

Yes, she might be posting some things on her social media about No Contact and blah, blah,blah - but a lot of people do these sorts of things for attention rather than a genuine desire to reunite with their ex. They're often fishing for "You're so strong!" or "You'll find your Prince Charming, you're amazing!' - type comments. Heck, she might be directing these things at whomever the mystery guy was. Maybe she got burned there and that's where all these sappy posts are coming from.

 

You could try to contact one more time and see if she would like to talk, but I have a feeling she's not going to be too enthusiastic at this point.

[Jeffro15]

I appreciate that. I really need some tough advice because I'm not even confident this "mystery guy" isn't more than what i'm making it out to be. I just couldn't figure out why she would go back to a post almost a month old and make it public if she was dating the guy. Wouldn't she have new pictures or something by now? And why keep her relationship status as "single" if she doesn't care how I feel?

 

I don't think contacting her now is a good idea either. If she is dating thats going to hurt bad to get a definitive answer knowing that she started seeing him 2 weeks after ending a 3 year relationship. I guess I need to heal more and maybe find out in a month or 2? I'm still really raw about the break up and she was really cold about it, which would make sense if she had been seeing him. Theres just other things that throw me off like her friending me on snapchat and I saw her on Tinder just last week. Its all really confusing!

[MissCanuck]

Even if she isn't seeing this other guy, it doesn't necessarily mean she'd be interested in reconciling with you, unfortunately.

 

She is seeing what else is out there, and she may or may not be impressed. But sometimes a relationship does run its course and feelings change. I've been in her shoes, after a 5-year relationship with an ex. A little while after ending it, I had a short fling. It was fun but very casual, and when that ended, I stayed single for a little bit. Eventually I met the man who would become my next long-term relationship. I say this not to totally dash your hopes, as reconciliations can and do happen, but sometimes a separation really is best for both parties.

 

I would unfollow her on social media if I were you, simply to prevent yourself from over-analyzing what her posts and photos and status updates mean. This will also prevent you from feeling the heartbreak of seeing her with another guy again, should something like that turn up.

[Jeffro15]

I understand that but as a man I kind of just have to know whether the relationship was truly because of me and the issues I had with my own self-pity, troubles and everything else going on or if it came to an end because she was interested in pursuing things with this other guy. Its little consolation if it was and it doesn't work out but at the same time I'm still in the same position so its only "a little consolation". I realize that she may never come back as she's not a young girl who does stuff on a whim and hopes to take it back. She very strong willed and if she made up her mind, she wont be looking back.

 

I agree with you on social media and i'm going to make that my new objective as I am completely "over-analyzing" every little thing. I mean if shes seeing this guy I can't reach out and stop her, so it's not really like I have a hand to play here. so I'm going total NC (no social media, no nothing) as of today. I feel like I'm playing myself here and just had to type it out to see it for what it is. It may be a fling or may be a relationship, either way it would crush me to know for sure and id rather not know.

[MissCanuck]

or if it came to an end because she was interested in pursuing things with this other guy.

 

But then you say this:

 

It may be a fling or may be a relationship, either way it would crush me to know for sure and id rather not know.

 

So, I ask: are you sure you'd be prepared to hear that she had her eye on this other guy before ending it with you, if that is in fact the case?

 

My guess that is that she was unhappy in the relationship and this new guy might have turned up somewhere and caught her interest. So I would imagine that it was a combination of factors that led her to actually end it.

[eidetic]

I think usually when there's another person in the picture shortly after a breakup, it's mostly about a distraction from feeling the emotions (negative and positive) about the first relationship. We have to feel those feelings all the way through in order to really get anywhere. Sometimes it's too much, and a random new person (or even one conveniently in the wings) is the perfect way to put it off for a while.

 

IME it doesn't usually last long. Unresolved, your part in the previous relationship's errors or failing just follows you into any new or next one, though sometimes breakups from those are much easier and quickly processed.

[Jeffro15]

Thanks MissCanuck,

 

I kind of realize now that I was focusing on trying to "change" for her and all that stuff and this whole time she doesn't care and probably is in a relationship. At least now that I feel confident and get an outside perspective I can try and move forward. I'm going to make some changes because human growth is not meant to be stunted but at least I now know that the end of a 3 year relationship wasn't all my fault. I think I have a clear enough picture to tell shes still seeing him and that whether it was physical or not at the time, the connection began earlier than I thought.

[Jeffro15]

Update: My buddy sent me a picture of her and him updating their relationship status on facebook today. So, 3 years together and in 2 weeks post BU she starts dating him and 6 weeks post BU they are facebook official. I can't help but categorize this as a rebound since he's totally different. He is in the army and a drinker which is the exact opposite of me and the speed with which it happened. I hope it doesn't last but I can't focus on that as I also got a new job today something i can make in to a career. So, one door closes and another opens. I know she will be facing the guilt of the BU going through this relationship and the guy live in a different state (about 1.5 hrs away by car) so it seems like she's forcing the issue. I guess I need to give up and move on and if it comes back than we'll see where I'm at then. Until then, good luck ENA people and hope your "back together" stories go better than mine.

[shessofly]

So this is where I would say thanks buddy for sharing. I would prefer no more screenshots or updates regarding my ex. Try not to fixate on her new relationship. It sounds like you know too much about this guy already. It may last, it may not. Going for someone the opposite of the dumpee is common. Best you can do is continue on your path of self improvement and focus on your own life and goals. Congratulations on the new job.

[cococly]

Why do people still care about fb relationship status? Lol

 

Whats the point?

[Giblesp]

That comment she made about how you are with her daughter... I would have hit the road at that point. She sounds really ungrateful for the effort you've put in. You could quite understandably of chosen not to be with a single mum, but you did and going from what you said you made the effort to connect with her daughter. Very ungrateful and spiteful thing for her to say.

 

Anyway, she's banging someone else and your asking for permission to speak with her, which she declines.

 

Have some self respect man, its time to really well and truly walk on to better places. No woman will be interested in you unless you have respect for yourself.