She's so cold but do opposites attract?

[Time2growup]

I've been dating someone 7 years younger and extremely successful in what she's does. I'm struggling to get by. To me she's very attractive and see her inner beauty. She's not got the best family situation which doesn't concern me most. She's so opposite to me and cold. I'm very hands on touchy feely, and she doesn't like public affection and is hard to converse in talk sometimes, plus she doesn't always get my humour but it's definitely my most attractive feature apart from rugby player build. Our sex is good and she's going through some hard times with her body due to operation.

 

I'm very needy and need resurance as I'm addict. No longer a drug addict but i am addicted to everything and in the past had problems in relationships as I never grow up and I move pretty fast as always so emotional and off loading my thoughts. But as most of you know addicts can be the most loving sincere people and we just don't understand general life.

 

I try take the slow approach with her but she gets very paranoid about me when I'm generally asleep as so tired.

 

It sounds toxic and it could be, but yet something draws me to her and we share future desires together. I feel she'll be good for me and moving on and most importantly growing up from naughty ways, settling down and one day starting a family. I definitely don't want anyone else but she's becoming way to challenging and dull but her irrating and being cold makes me like her more. Which makes me feel that's what my Nan and Grandad were like. Nan was tough skinned, grandad was the joker. But she was so loyal to him and worshipped him.

 

So....Should I give her time? She doesn't express her feelings at all. She's never complimented me. I see a dark truth to her which draws me closer to her. I idolise her but should I be doubting it so soon, a few months in? I generally feel like I'm doing all the work and patience isn't my virtue.

 

I pretty much know the right answer, but just maybe right now I've got to focus on me just me and not want what she's achieved.

 

This is my first ever post on a forum. Any advice would be appreciated

[Cope]

Welcome to the forum! Wise choice, you will love it here!

 

Opposites can attract but not total opposites and not people who are opposite in the way they show their love. I don't think she can provide you with the support you need, you already mentioned it yourself.

 

Having your grandparents as a role model is cute, but keep in mind that the circumstances they lived through were completely different than our age. Different standards. They might seem like a happy couple now but might have gone through decades of hell or they are opposite but not in the things that matter like I think the girl you are describing is.

 

Do you admire her just because she's so successful despite her being so many years younger?

[Time2growup]

Thank you for replying. You are spot on about my grandparents as times are different.

 

It's the whole attention thing, like as if I'm in the way. It worries me as I normally date older people and I'm early 30''s. Yet something draws me to her.

I've been single for 4 years and had a lot of playing around in that time after my ex got pregnant with someone else whilst she was with me and left me to marry him. I turned to cocaine and mixed in with all the wrong types of people. Today I now only use if I'm at party or out of control on drink and can't say no.

 

I have turned my life around and moving making good progress, I feel she would be good for me to move on. Yet she's very closed door's and I need to be open.

Every time I take a step back away she's wondering why, but it's my my way of controlling my forwardness.

 

It's horrible being an attention seeker and it might be that she's not giving me enough attention that keeps me wanting more, yet she 70% time has a resting face at me, yet in the short amount of time I've done everything for her and her dog whilst she was in hospital. I pay for everything even though I'm broke and yet she earns 9k a month. Yeah I know right? Crazy money.

 

I had the most cringe moment as today I took her to the beach and tied a note to her dogs collar that read "will you be my gf" I've never done that before and felt like a stupid teen, she found it awkward saying we need time and take it slow.

 

Do I give it time? Or run? It's supposed to be honeymoon period right? The first 6 months, yet she's only really exciting if she's had a drink. Horrible to say that, but she maybe not as crazy and keeping her cards to her chest. Thanks again. I'm enjoying this, reading people's threads. I relate to a lot so much and counselling definitely didn't help me. I'm from the UK by the way

[glitterfingers]

Opposites can attract but if you do your research, you'll find that the most successful couples are the ones who have similar backgrounds/outlooks and dispositions. This is important because these are the major influences on what later become incompatibilities that couples can't successfully navigate.

 

Putting that aside for a moment, the important thing to understand about this situation is that your "opposites" shouldn't be to do with interpersonal/relationship-style compatibility. Especially not this early on. If you're going to have a successful "opposites attract" relationship, it is more than likely only going to be successful if the things you're opposite on aren't integral to the quality of the relationship. This early in the game, when you've both got pretty major differences in how you look at the world and interact with people you care about, that's a red flag that you're too different and want different things in a partner. This part of the relationship should be about coming together and finding all the ways in which you're alike and fit together perfectly! When you're acknowledging issues this early on, it's unlikely that you're both going to make a relationship work long term because even couples who are perfectly matched on the things you're talking about struggle to do so. The odds are stacked against you.

 

I think you have to consider that when your grandparents got together, it wasn't the same dynamic. Their dynamics evolved to that point after a lifetime spent negotiating marital identities - they probably had a lot more in common early on that helped them get together and stay together.

[Andrina]

You're in the honeymoon period, where both people usually have a hard time keeping their hands off each other. You describe her as cold, unaffectionate, and someone who doesn't put as much effort into the relationship as you do. Can you imagine what will happen when the newness wears off? You'll feel like you're living on an iceberg. If this is who you think you deserve in life, you're severely lacking in self worth.

 

Be alone. Work on that and when you feel you deserve someone who treats you as the special person you are, you will be more successful in choosing an appropriate partner.

 

I do see how opposites attract as far as personalities involving introverts matched with extroverts. The successful matches I see, however, also involve matching in all the major ways, such as common relationship/life goals, and meeting the other person's major needs. That's the difference.