How do I know when to give up?

[Marshmellow12]

My husband and I have only been married for 8 months. I am starting to think that I made a huge mistake. I love my husband more than anything, but I have read that love isn't enough to keep a marriage healthy. My husband works a lot (80 hours a week) and we rarely spend time together. I feel very disconnected. He feels more like a roommate than a husband. He basically only comes home to sleep. We rarely have sex. We don't go on dates. We don't have a joint bank account either which is annoying because it causes arguments because sometimes he doesn't help pay for things. I want to have children but the thought of having children with him makes me cringe. He helps with NOTHING around the house and I feel like if we have a baby he isn't going to help at all because he already doesn't help at all. On the rare occasions that we do spend time together we enjoy each other and I love him deeply, but is that enough to stay in this marriage?

[ThatwasThen]

Did you know all this about him before you got married?

Was this an arranged marriage?

What does he do for a living that keeps him away 80 hours?

Have you talked to him and told him how you are feeling?

[Marshmellow12]

I knew he worked a lot before we got married but now he works even more. We lived together for almost 2 years before we got married and were happier then. We had more sex, went on more dates, and spent a lot more time together. Things didn't start getting ty until we had been married a few months and he started working more and I started resenting him for not helping financially and he won't get a joint bank account because his dad told him to never get a joint account with a woman because they will spend all of his money. And he thinks his dad is the smartest person on the planet and will do whatever he says. His family is also pressuring us to have children which is bothering me because my husband is never home and doesn't help with anything at all. Doesn't help cook, doesn't help clean, doesn't pay for stuff, and doesn't spend time with me. I think my marriage is failing and it's so embarrassing.

[Marshmellow12]

Also, he's a farmer and he manages another business too

[mustlovedogs]

It doesn't matter if you get a joint bank account, if you divorce you're entitled to half his assets (unless you signed a prenupt). So what money stuff do you need him to help with? Have you talked to him? Is it possible he's working more because the farm is not doing well?

[Marshmellow12]

I'm not even sure how the farm is doing because he won't tell me anything about the business. He thinks it's none of my business. It's very frustrating.

[WombatShadow]

I just read your other post before I saw this one.

 

You need to do a few things here.

 

-sit down and figure out what you want out of a marriage, any marriage;

-sit him down and ask him what he wants out of a marriage;

-see if those two sets of desires are compatible.

 

Why did he take on the second job? Is he trying to save for a house or something so that you two can live a better life, maybe a ways away from his family? Is this something he sees becoming permanent, or is it just until he achieves whatever goal?

 

If he won't actually talk to you about this stuff, go to counseling. Heck, might as well do counseling regardless at this point. You two have a lot to work out. If he refuses to go through with counseling, won't open up, and won't agree to work on things, you may as well grab your hat and go.

[Broccoli]

Why does he have to work so hard? My opinion there's a different problem. I guess he wants to get away. But for what? And his father's words are very strange. You are not 'a woman', you are his wife. You should tell him you're worried about this situation. But it's too early to finish your marriage. Try to save it.

[Lester]

Is he abusive? Have you ever felt threatened by him?

[Marshmellow12]

He doesn't have to work so much. He's obsessed with "getting rich." He also wants to build a house and get a new truck. Money makes him happier than anything. I honestly don't even know how much money he even has because we don't have any joint accounts. I live off of my teacher salary every month and he just works and saves his money and buys what he wants I guess. He's very weird about his money and gets angry if I ask questions about it. I agree that it seems to early to quit but it's so hard. I am not happy at the moment. I'm even considering going on antidepressants.

[Marshmellow12]

No, he is not abusive nor have I felt threatened by him. Sometimes when we get in a big fight we say mean things but that's about it and happens rarely.

[ThatwasThen]

He doesn't have to work so much. He's obsessed with "getting rich." He also wants to build a house and get a new truck. Money makes him happier than anything. I honestly don't even know how much money he even has because we don't have any joint accounts. I live off of my teacher salary every month and he just works and saves his money and buys what he wants I guess. He's very weird about his money and gets angry if I ask questions about it. I agree that it seems to early to quit but it's so hard. I am not happy at the moment. I'm even considering going on antidepressants.

Who pays the rent/mortgage?

 

You should sit him down and tell him that you want his help with at least half of all the household expenses and that he is to come to the bank with you on Friday to open a joint account where he will put his half of the money to cover the bills. Have a list of what you pay every month in heat/hydro/cable/internet/water/food and then tell him his half. If he refuses then go to a lawyer and find out what your rights and obligations are.

 

Please do not have children with this man. It will be a lot easier for you to just slip out of his life when you don't have children. Why on earth did he bother to get married or team up with a life partner? What was it 'needed' from you to be doing besides support him while he saved money for himself? Is there anything he actually pays for?

 

He doesn't need to have a joint account for all finances but he certainly does so that you have help with expenses.

 

I am shaking my head as to why you married him in the first place. Surely living with him showed you what a selfish pig he is. No?

[Lester]

Good, he's not an abuser (well yeah, sort of), you have no reason not to tell him what you've told us.

 

Men are trophy driven creatures. Many times, if not most, the male fiancee is on his best behavior. Yours seems to have stretched that to the limit.

That is, if once married, he told he was never going to share, be secretive, never home, never put you first, not spend time/fun time with you, etc., would you have married him?

 

If the answer is no, than you're in a trapped marriage.

Trapped marriages are non-marriages.

 

That not to say this is your marriage.

To find out, you have to stand up for yourself.

[Batya33]

He doesn't have to work so much. He's obsessed with "getting rich." He also wants to build a house and get a new truck. Money makes him happier than anything. I honestly don't even know how much money he even has because we don't have any joint accounts. I live off of my teacher salary every month and he just works and saves his money and buys what he wants I guess. He's very weird about his money and gets angry if I ask questions about it. I agree that it seems to early to quit but it's so hard. I am not happy at the moment. I'm even considering going on antidepressants.

 

What did you know about these qualities and goals of his before you got married? Is it possible that you saw the positive side of this -that you believed he would get rich and that worked for you given your teacher salary? How did he respond to questions about money while you were living together?