Long distant betrayal (but still loves me)

[Thisguy123]

I'm in a relationship where half has been full on together and the other half long distant. It's been one year long distant and I was in control until she mentioned another guy. I instantly became insecure and needy. I've somehow managed to turn her off. And so I booked a ticket to Canada to see her out of frustration and at first she despised the idea. I managed to pull myself together and told her that I would come over wether she likes it or not. Whether it is to be with her or just have a holiday. She's been excited ever since but I managed to get her to confess that she had seen a guy and had sex with him. In a way I was relieved somehow but hurt. But I also understand that I wasn't giving her what she needed physically and so I handled it like a boss and remained calm as I understand why. She Really wants me to stay with her at her place and planned heaps of dates. I'm so lost but we are in love together except we have been apart for so long. Because I love her I want her back. Sure I can live happy with out her but help me. I was thinking of staying in a backpackers to stay distant and focus on me but she has planned for us to stay together. Help

[Lostinlove31]

You realized she cheated on you. She couldn't handle it so she cheated due to distance. This isn't handling it like a boss.

 

You going to see her isn't fixing anything.

[ThatwasThen]

When will this long distance end?

 

You can go visit all you want and believe that you are handling it like a boss but in reality she has you owned. She can screw random guys or guys she's primed all she wants knowing you'll run to her and 'try to give her what she needs' for the week or two you're there.

 

I shake my head because I wonder how you'll ever trust her now. This has anxiety and angst written all over it. You'd be a lot better off finding someone where you are currently living and call an end to being with a girl that cheats... either that or agree to have an open relationship because your 'sweety' can't keep her pants on so you might as well enjoy others too.

[eidetic]

Whatever her reasons for the outside sexual relationship, ask for a full panel of STD testing before you have sex with her again. Not as a game but for your own health, hers also. Even within a committed couplehood, either of you may test positive for anything from relatively "innocuous" chlamydia to life-altering HSV (1 or 2) or worse, HPV (which can be/become actual cancer).

 

Results may require a shift in either how you have sex, or how you perceive the worth and risk of this partnership. Or both. And it may not be easy to have those conversations. But if this was a partnership that was inclined toward marriage, family, childbearing, and/or lifetime, you do want to have those conversations. And you want to know that your partner can take them seriously, and is ok having them too.

 

Trust is a daily and sometimes a minute-to-minute choice. Heed your warning signals, when you have those, and also, question them a little. When the answer is chronically or definitively "Hell NO", trust your gut and get the heck out of there.

[eidetic]

From far outside, it's possible she is excited since disclosure because she is relieved that you now know. And that you feel relieved also, because finally you have heard what sounds like the truth.

 

I hate to say this, but in LDR, we don't ever really know the truth of their local situation unless we are there witnessing it firsthand.

 

For what it's worth, I think it is worth it for you to go and see how things are. But put serious consideration to an actual end date for the geographical distance, if either or both of you want the relationship to continue.

 

I believe that LDRs can actually work, succeed, and come together as a full-fledged local and permanent relationship. But you both have to be on the same page, and the communication and planning together are critical. Be realistic about STD testing and end dates for the geography, and very best of luck. I am always happy to see success stories in this arena.