Dealing with ex during visiting children

[Tomthumb88]

So my kids (and ex wife) live very far away. I've been trying to get the kids to fly to me so we could spend more time with me but the ex fought me tooth and nail and I was left with either going there or not seeing my kids for over a year.

So my ex wife is incredibly toxic, manipulative and abusive. I was trying to remain on friendly terms with her but after my visit last summer she went on a campaign of internet and other harassment of myself and my girlfriend (now ex). Going to such lengths to hurt me and destroy sometime that was making me so happy was the last straw and I want as little to do with her as humanly possible going forward.

Any advice on how to keep space between us during the visit? She will no doubt try to use the kids to get back on a friendly basis and I'm done with that

[Seraphim]

My brother waits outside in his car for his kids. His ex-wife is an abusive crazy nut job. He avoids her as much as humanly possible. He limits conversations to being about his children only.

[Andrina]

Maybe it's time to go back to court to get the custody arrangement changed, so that it's mandated that the children will be allowed to fly to you. If that's not possible, if you have a relative that could retrieve them for you from their mother's home would be something to consider. Perhaps you can ask for a mediation meeting to set boundaries during your visit. If she's badmouthing you in front of the children, this is upsetting to them, and she should be required to attend a divorced parent class. In some states, it's mandatory when a divorce happens, and it sounds like she needs a refresher class.

 

When you speak to her, reiterate that the conversation will solely be about the children, and if she's starts getting angry in front of them, tell her it's not right to upset them and remove them from the area. Good luck.

[bamboo1]

First buy the book "Divorce Poison" and read it. Know that you are not alone. You also need to understand what you are dealing with and how unsafe it is for you right now. Document everything. I would film all encounters with her. You only speak to her via text and be careful what you say. Text are written communication that can be used to help you in court.

 

Remember, she only needs to accuse you of something to destroy your life. In the US when it comes to domestic abuse you are guilt once accused.

[Starlight925]

Agree with the others. Be very, very careful here. Talk to your lawyer. Pay for the best advice you can get, and make sure that every single thing is well documented and that you stay strictly, exactly with what you are legally within your rights to do. If you are supposed to have your child back by 5:00 pm, be there at 4:59 pm, and not a minute later.

 

There are 3rd party custody websites where you can input the time/place you'd like to drop off/pick up your child, and your ex simply goes to the site to "negotiate" with you, on that website. It is monitored and documented. Ask your lawyer about this if you are not only doing this.

 

Your ex is toxic and will make your life a living h*ll as long as she can. Eggshells. I'm sorry you're going through this; I can't imagine.

[Tomthumb88]

Thanks.. I ordered that book. I've been trying to be so indifferent to her (on a personal level) that I'd hope she'd lose intrest in trying to hurt me.

[Starlight925]

I've been trying to be so indifferent to her (on a personal level) that I'd hope she'd lose intrest in trying to hurt me.

 

While your indifference is the right thing to do, she unfortunately will try to hurt you anyway. She will, IMO, try to hurt you for the rest of her life. She's vindictive and not at all normal.

 

You will need to develop a teflon exterior so that her efforts don't actually hurt you.

 

Unfortunately, she is going to live to hurt you, and any future relationship you get in.

 

What happened with your prior relationship? Did your ex have anything to do with the breakup?

[Tomthumb88]

Well.. it was the first crack in our relationship and the situation definitely played a part. I went to visit there and the ex wife wouldn't go away and tagged along on all the trips. I'd told my GF i wasn't going to stay there or around the ex wife. She then made sure my gf saw all the pics where she was present (in addition to sending harassing emails to us both. So I lied and hid things from my gf who I really adored but I really was just trying to spend time with my kids.

[Jeffbobo]

At a high level, I'm curious as to what your background situation is? Did you or your ex-wife move far away? How old are the kids? What is your custody arrangement and how long have you had this arrangement? Did you give up custody?

 

I know of divorced couples to where the kids live with one parent over the summer and the other during the school year. Not sure what your situation is.

[Tomthumb88]

So I used to live in another country.. i really have very few rights. I paid a lawyer around 5 grand and he wasn't able to get anything aside from visitation rights there.. very limited and still dictated by the exwife