The perfect guy said he doesn't see a future with me

[Tgo]

I have been seeing a guy who I feel so compatible with, feel so comfortable around, is very successful and charismatic, good at everything, great looking, and that all my friends love and respect for 3 months.

 

The first 3 months we were inseparable, although we tried to start off as friends it quickly started to get emotional and physical. We would text each other all day, see each other 5x a week and have the best times together. In other words, he was perfect for me. I really acted like a doormat because of this. I was constantly making myself available when he wants to hang out, and doing things for him.

 

The problem is that I got stuck in a situationship with him. When I finally sat him down to discuss what we were (after sensing him pulling away), and ask if we were exclusive, he didn't want to call it a relationship. He said that although he isn't seeing anyone else, he just couldn't see marriage and kids with me, and doesn't miss me throughout the day anymore. (on a side note, the physical chemistry seems to be lacking too). He said he really loves me as a friend, and is 100% sure we're going to be best friends for life.

 

(I don't know if this is because I'm a very reserved person to begin with, in addition to being a people pleaser in general so I haven't been able to be my authentic self in the physical aspects.)

 

The problem is, I'm so head over heels for this guy, and this unrequited love is crushing me. At this point, I don't know what to do. Should I break off all contact with him? Should I try to be more physically open with him to respark what we had at the beginning? Should I be more aloof and earn back his respect and my perceived value? Is there anything I can do to go back to get him to see a future with me?

 

At this point, meeting other people just doesn't seem like an option because no one measures up to him in the slightest.

[roro25]

Yeah break off all contact before you get hurt! At this point he's already labeled you as friend zone so he will definitely keep you there while getting all of the things you have to offer. Just tell him after hearing that, you are no longer interested in him. Guys like that aren't appreciative of what they have in front of them. Just move on for your sake! He most likely will come back to you after you start moving on, im not too sure if it's a good idea to go back to him either..

[sara-pezzini]

Yes break off all contact as previous poster mentioned.

You'll only end up more hurt, you cannot be friends with him, you can't be friends with someone you have feelings for.

And in his mind if you still offer sex he'll think "sure why not?"

And that'll make you feel like you're being used when really you're not because you offer it up yourself...

So break it off for your own sake

[Elavohra]

Just leave him before you end up hurting yourself more. Things are over means things are over get this thing straight in your head. Save your self respect and self esteem , cut off all contacts and get back to your life as soon as possible. Don't take another chance neither for him, nor for yourself. There is no point working for a broken relationship.

Save yourself girl before its gets too late.

[Batya33]

Of course no one measures up to him because what you have with him isn't real in the sense of a real balanced relationship. You are choosing to be a doormat in order to please him. Is that your authentic self? If not, then no he is not perfect for you -he is perfect for you only if you behave like a doormat. And that is one main reason the chemistry was lacking -doormats are often turnoffs to people looking for a long term relationship. Also kind of circular because you probably sensed early on you were more into him and reacted by acting like a doormat instead of giving him space to perhaps develop feelings for you. And the challenge of him also makes him seem perfect for you. i would walk away and consider making different choices next time you meet someone you like.

[glitterfingers]

He just showed you he's not the guy you thought he was. You're only going to get more hurt and confused the longer you draw this out. Tell him you have really enjoyed being with him, and if he figures out what changed then you'll be receptive to hearing his thoughts, but for now you're looking for a real relationship so you're going to move on.

 

Whether or not you should actually be receptive will depend, but at least in doing this you can move on without burning bridges, and you might feel better about that in the short term - however, what he's said is a pretty clear breakup line. Keep things open and risk being played/used because you've communicated a high interest level

[Andrina]

When you're crushed, it means you made him the sole center of your universe, which is never healthy. A person will always be upset by a breakup, but when it seems unbearable, it means you let go of the fulfilling life you should have BESIDES a bf. Learn from your mistakes. Five times a week during the first 3 months is way too much time together, even if a guy agrees to it. A couple of times should be the max, and then when the relationship becomes more serious, sometime after the 6 month mark, things can progress. You need to keep up your friendships and get a hobby or interest that is fun for you, and do those things without a bf. You could also take classes to further a career, if you're not already in college.

 

Remember that you'll be a far more interesting person when you have a great life besides having a bf, and as I said, if a break up happens, you'll be far more able to handle it, since you have a satisfying life besides him. Take this time solo to work on yourself so that you're not such a people pleaser. Think about yourself as the treasure, and if a guy doesn't treat you as the special person you are, then you walk away.

[Tgo]

Thank you all for your advice. I'm so devastated and broken. No breakup (if you can even call this that) has affected me this much before. I just don't understand why he can't see a future with me. Everyone tells me I'm good looking, ambitious, smart, and funny. I just don't understand.

 

I can't even function at this point. I don't know how I'll move on.

[LaHermes]

Tgo. This is a painful time for you.

 

"he was perfect for me. I really acted like a doormat because of this. I was constantly making myself available when he wants to hang out, and doing things for him.

"

 

I agree 100% with what Andrina just posted.

 

No, he was not perfect for you. Why would you want to be a doormat for anyone, not just him?

 

You remarked:

 

"...in addition to being a people pleaser in general so I haven't been able to be my authentic self in the physical aspects.)"

 

These are aspects you will now have time to work upon, so that you develop healthy boundaries, which in turn lead to healthy relationships. Put the emphasis on pleasing yourself first...

 

And this is great!

 

" I just got a new job, am in medical school, take ballet, sailing, make time for my friends etc"

 

Good luck!

[Tgo]

Thank you for your well thought out message. The only thing I'd like to add is that I have a life outside of him, I really tried to maintain my independence. I just got a new job, am in medical school, take ballet, sailing, make time for my friends etc. I see him at the end of the day when I stay over at his place. It just felt so natural to be around him that we both wanted each other's company at the end of the day. Maybe I did over do it by staying over too much. I just wish there was a way to redeem this situation.

[LaHermes]

TGO.

 

I greatly fear this is the only redemption (NOT) that you are going to get.

 

"He said he really loves me as a friend, and is 100% sure we're going to be best friends for life. "

[sara-pezzini]

I would like to add that it's not healthy to be so dependent on a guy for your happiness and be so crushed after only knowing him 3 months!

I mean it's only been 3 months!

Break off contract and go out and do fun stuff with your friends.

I don't think this can be saved because his heart isn't in it.

You both want different things from each other so that won't work.

And it its a lesson for the next time, not do so much so fast so often, especially in the beginning.....

For now just go pamper yourself and get a big pint of ice cream!

You'll get back to your life quick enough......

Hugs

[MissCanuck]

Too much, too soon.

 

I'm sorry this happened, OP. It hurts but it's better to know now than to be strung along any further.

[glitterfingers]

OP, personally I don't think you did anything wrong. This is to do with him, not you. You're awesome and you'll find the right guy soon

[bamboo1]

It sounds like he likes you, but he is nervous about commitment. I am a guy and we usually get like this. We get to a point where we need to decide if we are going to commit or move on. I would walk away for a bit. If he misses you he will come back. If not your out.

[Makii09]

We are on the same boat! Met this guy last december snd everything was perfect. But hes not ready for relationship and is already talking to others. Ive deleted his number and all the things that reminds me of him. Im still hurt and cant get over it. He seems like the perfect match for me and we are very very compatible. I just wish you well and hope you can find someone you deserve

[EternalOptimis]

It's all too common. And affects both sexes.

 

You meet someone you think you have a connection with. Physical attraction OK. Company OK. Sex OK. Intellectual compatibility OK.

 

You're exclusive but never say the L word, not least so as not to burden a young relationship.

 

6-8 weeks on, you're just not feeling it. You slow down. They compensate by getting closer. This further cements your view there's more in it for them than for you. You pull back more, as much for them as for you, only for them to get closer still, till you're forced to say "I don't think we should see each other any more".

 

It's not what you wanted to do, but maybe it would ultimately have happened anyway.