can she ever forgive me about lying about my past

[Coonhound]

So I've never done anything like this before but I don't know what to do. This is a very long but interesting story so if you decide to take the time to read this and help me out then thank you ! Any advice is appreciated !

Here it goes:

 

So I am currently dating this girl whom I knew for about 3 years before dating. We went to college together, we were in the same dorm hall and were really good friends. I always had a thing for her but I was a really shy person my freshman year of college so I never had the courage to really tell her how I felt. She was in a relationship the next year with this guy but that only lasted about a year. Fast forward to junior year and that's when we started to hang out more and more. We were texting all of the time, we would always meet up when we would go out, and we would always hang out at her house and just watch movies. Nothing sexual ever happened. It was us just being good Friends and I really enjoyed her company. So eventually we got closer and closer and I asked her to be my girlfriend. Mind you this would be my first relationship at 22 years old, people may judge but I wanted to find "the one" which I did with her. She makes me so happy on all types of levels. Now this is where it gets interesting, during the hang out phase "movie nights before relationship" we would always talk about our past and old stories. She is the kind of girl that is the most interesting person you'll ever meet. I knew I really really liked her but I had never really gone after a girl before so I didn't know how to appeal to her to want something with me. So I did the worst possible thing that would come back to haunt me for the rest of my life. I lied. I lied about my sexual past because my naive self I would sound more interesting. Saying it now and talking about it sounds insane but at the time i thought It was working. Through the next 1 and a half months I found out that she had not taken the lies I had told her like I thought she would of. I thought she would think I was interesting and all these things but she didn't like how I had done a lot of things with other girls and she thought that my values and ethics were all messed up from these crazy stories I would tell her. I didn't know what to do, I have never been so lost before in my life. The worst part is I kept it going....probably for another month until I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't watch the girl I love cry and be so heartbroken from the things I told her. I never thought I would have ever told her the lies were not true but I did. That was the worst night of my life. I have never seen so much pain in someone's eyes. I was willing to throw this relationship away because I want this girl to be so happy to the point where my happiness comes second to hers. That might be a bad thing but I don't know. After that I felt like we had to start from square one. I thought that I could gain her trust back faster than I am now realizing. I don't even know if it will ever come back to be honest. in addition to all of that my girlfriend always things that I am always checking out other girls, no matter what we do or where we go. I wouldn't be posting my whole story like this if I knew I was checking all these girls out. She is my life, she is the girl I see a bright future with. We talk about it all of the time and she doesn't trust me when I say I am not looking at other girls because of what I lied about in the past. I did this to myself and I hate myself every single day for what I did to the girl of my dreams. She has no reason o believe me tho after all of the things ive told her in the past. She always talks about how maybe if you understood and felt what I felt/feel then you would understand. But the reality is I do feel the pain, not the same exact kind of pain, but pain. I told her at least she has someone to be mad at for wronging them. But I don't, I tried to be someone I wasn't when all I had to do was be myself and everything would of been ok. But I can't repeat the past so I am stuck with my horrible decision to lie in the beginning. I think it is important to include the fact that when it is just us two alone we love each other very much and we have a great time. But when a trigger happens or some chick will walk by she will automatically assume I checked her out and then everything goes downhill and we have the same talk we always have. Like I said I never check any girls out, she has my attention at all times because I love her and I think that she is the most beautiful girl on this planet. again I have no reason to lie about that because If I did I wouldn’t be posting on relationship boards trying to fix this relationship. We are going onto our 5th month and I don’t think it will get much father if something doesn’t happen. There are so much more to talk about but this is the jist of everything. I don’t know what to do. I can’t ask her to forgive me because that has to be her conscious decision, all I feel like I can do is hope. I really want this girl because I love her way to much to let her go.

[Cope]

Tell her the truth. It's nice loving someone so much but be careful of placing her on a pedestal, Noone deserves that. In a relationship the ideal is for the two to be equal. Realistically, at least as close to equal as it can get. If one is putting the other on a pedestal, that means the first has insecurities that will eventually come up and mess things up. Forgive yourself for lying, accept your non existent Sexual past, there is NOTHING to be ashamed of, and tell her the truth. It's OK, continuing lying will make things worse. It's eating you up and the sooner she finds out, the better. It also improves your chances for forgiveness.

 

That said, she seems to have insecurities of her own. She should be able to accept your past too, I mean the fake one (when it was the truth, you get what I mean). Her jealously will be an issue in the future if she doesn't deal with it. This jealousy is not your fault.

 

Its funny how your lie may save the relationship because it showed you her insecurities so you can address them early on.

[Coonhound]

she has mentioned that her not being able to fully forgive me for the lies in the beginning is making her the way she is now (accusing me of looking at other women and making her more insecure). i have never talked to anyone about this and after reading your response i feel like i'm not helpless in this situation.

 

Thank you !

[glitterfingers]

Unsure about the extent of your lies. But clearly she thought you were the person you actually are, fell for you the way you are, and then got really upset when you tried to convince her that you were someone else because she'd fallen for the real you. I'm also unsure what you said about your past sexcapades, and if they seemed a bit offensive and cold to her. I'd be upset too if the guy that I was falling for revealed he'd been careless with other women in the past.

 

There are two things I would say. Point one: stop dwelling on the mistake you made and stop talking about it - move on! Don't give her the opportunity to reminisce on the lies you told her and how it felt. That's only going to prolong the pain - if she can't move on, then fine, but helping her stay stuck in that state is not doing your relationship any favours.

Two, you can ask her to forgive you and explain that you made a stupid mistake trying to impress her. Say it once, in person, and then don't bring it up again. Refer to point one.

[Coonhound]

the lies included things like 3 sums, and hooking up with people i havent to make my "number higher" so she wouldnt judge me for being inexperienced. i know that sounds so stupid but i didnt know what to do and i have never had anyone care for me like she does and i didnt want to loose her and went to an extreme to hope it didnt happen. All i had to so was be myself...

[SherrySher]

I can’t ask her to forgive me

 

Oh yes you can. You be a man about this and you tell her you were wrong. No excuses, not trying to justify, you straight out tell her you were wrong, point blank. Then you ask her if there is anything you can do to get her to ever forgive you and that you will do whatever you can to prove to her that you are not a liar and are trustworthy and then follow though and do nor lie again, ever.

 

Lying is never a solution and it will come back to bite you in the butt. It's not okay and it's deceptive. Don't be that kind of man. Do what you can to fix this and change your ways but even if you can't fix this and she won't give you anther chance, learn the lesson and do not pretend or lie to anyone else again. It will never get you anywhere.