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I'm suffering from terrible relationship anxiety. I honestly don't know if it's coming from me (I do suffer from anxiety and am currently on medication and going to counselling), or whether it is a result of me needs not being met in my relationship. I feel the need for my SO to reassure me. A lot. But he doesn't at all really. He seems to think that my insecurity is my issue and I should get over it on my own. He once said that otherwise it would be a codependent relationship. Maybe he is right. But I feel alone. And lost. And so agitated with nowhere to turn for help or reprieve. I'm trying to pretend I'm fine. I'm trying to be the independent woman I am used to being. But I'm breaking inside. It's just not working. I'm contacting the SO less so as not to swamp him. I secretly hoped he would miss me and come clamouring, proclaiming his love. He messages/ phones every day. A few times a day. But it's not enough. I feel stupid, needy.. so unlike me. I don't know what to do

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I get like this at times, and got a similar response from my so. The bigger issue here is that you need to address why you need this reassurance. He's right in a way. For me I seek reassurance because I like to be needed and don't feel I am. Only I can fix that. Being aware of why you feel needy is vital. The neediness is a symptom, not the real problem. Do some deep thinking about where the source of this problem comes from. X

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i think he's not wrong.

 

what is that you need to be reassured about constantly? i'm really not getting that?? if you feel so insecure and uncertain, then the answer is definitely therapy, and not some poor soul endlessly proving something to you when you are so set on uncertainty and insecurity that there's no amount of anything he can say that would stop your behavior anyway. you're getting calls and texts multiple times a day and it's not enough?? excuse me?

 

take responsibility for your own feelings.

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This is a tough one, because there's nothing wrong with needing extra support and words of affirmation in a relationship, and there's also nothing wrong with wanting a carefree relationship in which both parties are relatively "self sufficient" without too much need for reassurance. What the problem usually is, however, is when two people with opposite agendas get together and neither are able to adequately/fairly ask for what they need or get their needs met - one person is probably going to suffer in this situation, and of course it's going to be the one who needs more. You shouldn't feel ashamed for having to ask for more affection (quality over quantity), and he shouldn't feel trapped or be feeling like he's carrying your dependency issues.

 

Of course, I don't know how much you're asking of him, but is the problem more to do with the type of interaction and not the frequency? You seem like you'd be happy with less contact so long as there were words of affirmation. I had this issue in my current relationship - my boyfriend would message me a few times throughout the day but the messages were devoid of meaning, phone calls were limited to 45 mins once a week, and we didn't have any substantive conversation. He was busy/stressed and it wasn't that he wasn't making an effort, it was simply that we weren't connecting the way that we had for a while and I started feeling lost. I had to explain to him that I appreciate the effort he's making, but I'd rather he send one message a day that reminds me that he cares/misses me, and I do the same for him. I don't get much from several messages about irrelevant or unimportant things. It wasn't that I was asking for a lot - I was just asking for a little more engagement. Takes the same amount of time (or less) to send one quality message as it does to send three disjointed messages. I just asked him to treat me like a partner rather than a friend. Bear in mind my relationship is long-distance so the quality of communication becomes pretty important when you don't have much else.

 

Ultimately so long as he lets me know we're still in each other's hearts/minds, I am freed up to get on with my day and so is he. Does this sound like something you'd be happy with?

 

If not, then the issue may be deeper than simple relationship anxiety and more like anxious attachment style or an incompatible partner. He's also incompatible if he can't empathise with a need to balance the quality/connection over quantity/consistency. Some people just prefer the latter and aren't designed for the former.

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I'm suffering from terrible relationship anxiety. I honestly don't know if it's coming from me (I do suffer from anxiety and am currently on medication and going to counselling), or whether it is a result of me needs not being met in my relationship. I feel the need for my SO to reassure me. A lot. But he doesn't at all really. He seems to think that my insecurity is my issue and I should get over it on my own. He once said that otherwise it would be a codependent relationship. Maybe he is right. But I feel alone. And lost. And so agitated with nowhere to turn for help or reprieve. I'm trying to pretend I'm fine. I'm trying to be the independent woman I am used to being. But I'm breaking inside. It's just not working. I'm contacting the SO less so as not to swamp him. I secretly hoped he would miss me and come clamouring, proclaiming his love. He messages/ phones every day. A few times a day. But it's not enough. I feel stupid, needy.. so unlike me. I don't know what to do

I am just like you . I like alot of attention. I feel down and anxious if not. But everyone tells me its bcuz I dont have enough extra cirricular activities or hobbies to keep my mind busy. I dont socialize alot etc...but by choice. So i seem to be alot for partners. Not sure if thats your situation but maybe u can elaborate. Do u have a busy lifestyle besides your relationship?

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Rainy and Claire.. thank you for replying. I agree that this is MY issue. I step back objectively and realise I'm being silly, but the subjectiveness of my current mental state soon clouds that. I am trying to get all the help I can and to pester my SO as little as possible. He actually has no idea I feel quite like this. Because I keep it from him. To save him the hastle of having to deal with me which he obviously does not want to do. But then I'm left flailing. Is it ok to expect more support for these issues from one's SO? I am truly not usually like this and used to get seriously annoyed with past relationships who presented like I feel now. I wasn't particularly understanding back then. Maybe it's karma. But now I am the insecure one. And it's truly truly horrible.

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glitterfingers.... that all sounds very familiar. I'm a deep person by nature. I need to feel the underlying truth of a situation or it does not feel real to me. Mt SO on the other hand recently told me he hates serious and deep stuff. I kinda froze. He was talking about music to be fair. But I took it to be more than that and felt scared we were uncompatible. Only because it's the first time I felt like that. He told me once he never met anyone that needed such an emotional connection before. For me, I don't understand how one can have a relationship without an emotional connection. However, he has really tried... I mean really tried to connect emotionally with me and talk more to me and .... well I feel he does actually take my needs on board. But with this. My insecurity. He just shuts off. I think he can't handle being responsible for me. He has said on numerous occasions that my emotions are not his responsibility. My happiness is not his responsibility. Of course it's not. But shouldn't he care enough to try and make me feel better?

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Mandeelove,... I have a very full life outside of my SO. I work full time. Have children. (Not his). Have good friends who I see regularly. I work out, go to theatre, enjoy nature, go to music gigs..... I do quite a lot, for a sole carer of children. I would do much more if I didn't have them (no criticism of them - just a commentary on my zest for life). I truly am a very well rounded, independent, woman. But I am totally hung up lately on my relationship. I can't work it out. It perplexes me. Does my need of him mean I love him totally? Or does it mean something is wrong? It's eating me up inside

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Mandeelove,... I have a very full life outside of my SO. I work full time. Have children. (Not his). Have good friends who I see regularly. I work out, go to theatre, enjoy nature, go to music gigs..... I do quite a lot, for a sole carer of children. I would do much more if I didn't have them (no criticism of them - just a commentary on my zest for life). I truly am a very well rounded, independent, woman. But I am totally hung up lately on my relationship. I can't work it out. It perplexes me. Does my need of him mean I love him totally? Or does it mean something is wrong? It's eating me up inside

How is your relationship? Are you overall happy or are there issues popping up?

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glitterfingers.... that all sounds very familiar. I'm a deep person by nature. I need to feel the underlying truth of a situation or it does not feel real to me. Mt SO on the other hand recently told me he hates serious and deep stuff. I kinda froze. He was talking about music to be fair. But I took it to be more than that and felt scared we were uncompatible. Only because it's the first time I felt like that. He told me once he never met anyone that needed such an emotional connection before. For me, I don't understand how one can have a relationship without an emotional connection. However, he has really tried... I mean really tried to connect emotionally with me and talk more to me and .... well I feel he does actually take my needs on board. But with this. My insecurity. He just shuts off. I think he can't handle being responsible for me. He has said on numerous occasions that my emotions are not his responsibility. My happiness is not his responsibility. Of course it's not. But shouldn't he care enough to try and make me feel better?

 

Mandeelove,... I have a very full life outside of my SO. I work full time. Have children. (Not his). Have good friends who I see regularly. I work out, go to theatre, enjoy nature, go to music gigs..... I do quite a lot, for a sole carer of children. I would do much more if I didn't have them (no criticism of them - just a commentary on my zest for life). I truly am a very well rounded, independent, woman. But I am totally hung up lately on my relationship. I can't work it out. It perplexes me. Does my need of him mean I love him totally? Or does it mean something is wrong? It's eating me up inside

 

If this hasn't been a problem for you in past relationships, your neediness may be stemming from the fact that you two are incompatible. You're both right in the sense that it's okay to want and need an emotional connection (although you may need to be flexible on how this is achieved), and at the same time some people don't need a lot of depth to their relationships and just want the surface stuff/companionship. He's right that your emotions are not his responsibility, but you're also right to want a partner that cares enough not to totally dismiss you when you're asking for a reasonable amount of support (key word being reasonable). Neither of you seem to be harbouring particularly deep emotional issues where you're overly attached or he's avoidant/unavailable. You just want different things.

 

If neither of you are doing anything wrong and this particular relationship is making you insecure, it sounds like a feeling you should pay attention to. Decide whether you can get your needs met without asking for more (perhaps, just be specific about what you like if he's receptive)

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Glitterfingers... that sounds very reasonable. And also affirms my fear that we may not be compatible.

Mandeelove.... we are happy in so many ways. We are both doers. We enjoy doing things together and having companionship. I think that is all he needs to be happy. We have passion and connection in that way. And we share similar interests. I love all of that. But I also need a deep reaffirmation on occasion (about every fortnight or so would be ideal), and maybe a more frequent exuberant expression of how wonderful I am (yes I did type that and yes it's embarrassing to do so!)

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Rainy and Claire.. thank you for replying. I agree that this is MY issue. I step back objectively and realise I'm being silly, but the subjectiveness of my current mental state soon clouds that. I am trying to get all the help I can and to pester my SO as little as possible. He actually has no idea I feel quite like this. Because I keep it from him. To save him the hastle of having to deal with me which he obviously does not want to do. But then I'm left flailing. Is it ok to expect more support for these issues from one's SO? I am truly not usually like this and used to get seriously annoyed with past relationships who presented like I feel now. I wasn't particularly understanding back then. Maybe it's karma. But now I am the insecure one. And it's truly truly horrible.

You're not wrong to expect some support, but some people are just not capable of giving what we ask for. My boyfriend isn't expressive, he rarely talks me he loves me, and I took a while to get used to that coming from a relationship where is was told about 6 times a day! However, the way I got over this was to acknowledge to myself that he does love me, think about all the little ways he does tell me - texting me at lunch times, looking after me if I'm ill, buying me a bottle of wine on his way home from work, the way he looks at me. If you are able to see his true feelings, focus on that and then you shouldn't need the reassurance, every time you feel panicky, repeat those things back to yourself, he does care because...

 

Oh and the biggest piece of advice, learn to love yourself, then you may not need to seek reassurance from others. X

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Remembering your previous thread Avy, I should think that the stress of these past years may be telling on you. By the way is the divorce finalised, as you remarked that due to be finalised in around 8 weeks, as in around now. He probably has a lot on his mind, because regardless of circumstances, a divorce is right up there at the top of the stress list. And the four years waiting period required by law in Ireland between separation and divorce is not helpful. (IMO it is high time that ridiculous requirement was amended).

 

So just let it cruise for the moment.

 

Perhaps you are anxious about the next stage for you both now that he has or is about to have the divorce finalised.

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One person's need for support can be another's bottomless pit. If you put the two together, the neediness tends to amplify--and so does the resistance.

 

Most people are not our match, that's just the odds. We each get to choose whether we'll settle for less than ideal simpatico, but that doesn't work for people who crave it while hoping that a partner will change. You can try counselling and getting your needs met with other people in other ways--the way you'd need to do if you were single. The difference is, learning to meet your own needs while single can eventually lead to great simpatico with a good match in a partner, while settling for someone who'll never give that to you rules out any future potential to find that simpatico with a partner.

 

It's a decision.

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It sounds like you two are just emotionally incompatible.

 

You have every right to be in a relationship with a person that expresses their emotions in a way you enjoy receiving. The issue is that how people give/receive emotional support is very hard to change.

 

I'm a guy. I am also quote emotionally doting to my wife. This is just how I express myself. I have others friends like your SO too. Some are just incapable of it. They have other redeeming qualities though.

 

You need to read languages of love. The only question is can you be in a relationship with a guy who doesn't express things the way you want him to? You might find you can overlook it. Or it might be a deal breaker.

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