Girlfriend of one year, doubts, time appart, lack of excitement

[cartman]

Hi! Need a little advice

 

My girlfriend, 22, and I, 24, have been together for a little longer than one year, it was an amazing year and our relationship was really good, had lots of fun, treated her really well and things in the bedroom were great.

 

She was in a previous relationship of four years, it was an abusive relatationship, he treated her like crap. Things weren't good with her ex, met me, became friends and they broke up. 1-2 weeks later we began dating and she didn't want anything serious as she was still grieving, I took the pressure of her saying it could be something not serious so we decided to have some fun to see where it would lead.

We fell in love, one month later she wanted to be my girlfriend so we became official.

All went well during one year, some fights but we rarely did fight, sex was great. The honeymoon phase was longer for her than for me, I started to have some doubts and feeling attracted to other girls but realized it was normal and that I loved her and wanted to be with her. I started to need my space a little earlier but we spent a lot of time together, mainly because she always wanted to hang around with me and I didn't know how to tell her I needed some space but otherwise everything else was great. Btw, this was my first serious relationship, I made a real effort to be the best boyfriend and treat her relly well, especially because of her past abusive relationship.

She put a lot of pressure in our relationship by talking a lot about our future together and how it had to work out... She said she wanted to be with me forever and that she would be very sad if one day I decided I wanted to break up to be with someone else.

 

The honeymoon phase faded for her and after that, a few weeks ago from now, she started having doubts, feeling anxious, crying and wondering if this is the right thing. We talked about it and she said she should have been alone a little longer so she could mourn her previous relationship and we could have a real shot together. She has some doubts, which I find normal, as I have doubts sometime as well, but she can't quite cope with them. In addicion latelly our relationship was becomming a little monotonous due to all the time we spent together (we were almost always texting as well) and she says there is little challenge on our relationship because we rarely fight and lately we spent a lot of time in my house. In her previous relationship there was more challenge as they were always fighting an breaking up, she had doubts as well but didn't feel so bored as now, but I don't want something like that.

 

She started going to a psychologist and we decided for a little time appart so both of us would reavaluate the situation. I was planning on not saying a thing for a few weeks at least but she keeps texting me, saying that she misses me, that she loves me, wants to see me but is still confused. She still needs some time to think but wants to keep being my girlfriend and being exclusive but without all the pressure we had (mainly put by her), like talking so much about our future, meeting family, etc She doesn't want anything too serious. She told me that for the first time in one year she felt attracted to someone else (which we both find suprising, I took only some months/weeks). She is afraid she can't give me what I want because she is young and may some day realize she doesn't want this or that she wants to be with someone else. I told her that such things can happen to me as well and that I only want a girlfriend for now, nothing too serious, but I need some commitment and guarantee that she will make some effort, like me, or it won't work out. We agreed that if we keep being in a relationship we must spend less time together, she needs to find a hobby to keep busy, being with friends, we need to bring some excitement to the relationship and not preassure, but she is afraid that once the relationship becomes monotonous again she will feel the same.

 

We decided to be some time appart again, this time without texting, to think. She says she loves me and misses me like crazy, that she likes to spend time with me and wants to meet. I miss her too but Ii'll think I'll keep giving a little distance for now.

 

I love her with all my heart but I'm confused. I have doubts as well sometimes, and feel attracted to other people, feel the monotony, etc but I know I love her and that a relationship comes with effort , I'm willing to trying to work it out but I'm affraid In investing in someone that loves me but if problems come again won't make the minimum effort to work it out. I don't want preassure in the relationship either as I'm young, I want to have fun and I may one day feel the need to break up , but I need some commitment so I don't end up wasting my time and effort in someone who won't do the same for me.

 

I feel really confused but I know deep down that if we break up we'll both regret it and it's likely we'll try to be together again in the future, we have amazing chemistry , lots of attraction, great sex and an amazing relationship... but I don't know how to cope with her traumas from the ex, her anxiety, her doubts, the lack of excitement, etc I'm willing to but I don't quite know how...

 

I'd like some advice from people who have been in similar situations or have more experience or a different view than me. I like to think that it's just a phase and that we can work it out...

Thanks in advance, sorry for the long post and sorry if I made any mistakes, English is not my native language.

 

Short version:

Girlfriend of one year having doubts, wants to keep being in an relationship and exclusive but not so serious, without preasure.

I have had my doubts as well, love her, want to work it out but I'm afraid she won't make effort when things get difficult.

Decided to have some time appart but she keeps texting saying she misses me, loves me, wants to meet but is still confused.

Need some advice

[Atlantis]

Oh God that is a lot of drama!

She seems so young and immature. She probably was saying all this crap to her ex too, but he didnt handle it as well as you do. She is so confused and doesnt know what she wants. Maybe you all just try being friends with benefits till you find a better match for yourselves. Not sure how the real dynamic is between you all, but surely this girl isnt ready to commit

[cartman]

Thanks for the reply! I agree, too much drama... As for saying that to her ex as well, I don't thing that, I know he was a very complicated person, even cheated on her, treated her like crap, and I know this not only from her...

She has commitment issues, yes, we've talked about it. Thought about friends with benefits but I'm afraid that one of us will get hurt... We talked about 2 possible options, continue in a relationship but taking it slower and keep together while we have fun or simply break up...But if we do break up I know we'll both regret it sooner or later...She is quite attached to me, cried a lot when we talked about some time appart and was genuinely sad and scared about not seeing me.

 

Before our time appart we went on vacation for some days with friends and during this vacation we talked about breaking up or some time appart. One night I "disappeared" for half and hour for a bath and when she could not find me she panicked, started looking for me everywhere and when she found me she hugged me and started crying saying she didn't know where I was... I think it was her processing that we might break up and were going to speend time appart... I'm thinking in giving it a little more time appart, think and then meet and talk. I know she loves me and misses me like crazy, and I miss her too, it's getting harder not to text her... Our dynamic, we're very good friends, there's lots of trust, attraction, etc The problem is commitment or something too serious, she can't cope with it