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Need opinions on current situation

Lonely Jade

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Not sure if it classifies as cheating but to me I feel it pretty much does. I found out through a random girl messaging me that my boyfriend was on tinder, she sent me screenshots of there conversations and also told me he added her on snapchat and was being flirty with her. Obviously it wasn't just this one girl and there were others and I do not know he extent to which he communicated with them also. I confronted him about it by calling him and he came over to my house asap and seemed extremely regretful and sorry. However I don't know if he's sorry he did it or sorry he got caught.

I ignored him for 2 days but had to meet him and talk about it as we are going on a 5 day domestic trip this weekend and I didn't want it to be miserable, so we talked and he seemed very sincere in wanting to be with me long term and breaking off his bad habits he had since finnishing college of liking attention from other girls.

3 nights after I found out I stayed at his house (we did not have sex), he gave me positive body language. When he went to have a shower I looked on his laptop as we were downloading a movie and his Facebook was open, I went through his messages. i found messages in our relationship with other girls which seemed slightly flirty which hurt as I don't see why he needs that from other girls, but one lot of messages from while he was away in Europe hurt the most as he was being extremely flirty and provocative and referencing to sending snapchats to her while they were in bed bored. At this time while he was in Europe he mostly ignored me and said he was busy.

I'm extremely hurt now and don't know what to do as he seems sincere but all this sneaky behaviour and lies makes me believe he will do it again with time although he has assured me he's ready to fully commit and he feels he is at the point in his life where he has matured and doesn't need that attention anymore.

I don't know how to take it as it wasn't physical cheating.

We are also booked to go to Canada early January next year so I can't really leave.

I guess what I am wanting to know is how to handle this situation and how to not let him off easy and continue to show him the consequences of his actions without making him resent me.

He told me he'd delete his social media if it took that to regain his trust but I said no, is it fair I ask for his phone passcode as a measure of feeling as if he is not up to anything?


Thanks to anyone for reading and taking time to respond

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Also I would like to add that apart from while he was away in Europe, I felt in no way our relationship was threatened. I never saw this coming as we are both really happy together and everyone comments on how great our relationship is. This is what leads me to believe he does love me and he is just immature and needs to attention to nurture his ego..

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I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. Yes, he IS cheating, maybe not physically, but definitely emotionally cheating (imo). He has shown you his true character and has repeatedly lied to you.


So, when you add cheating, lying and no trust, then you have nothing. Without trust a relationship will never work. Only you know if you can live with a guy like this. I know what I would do.

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The best predictor of future behaviour is relevant past behaviour which means he will likely do this again. If you do decide to leave, you can. Being booked for a trip to another country doesnt mean you have to go. You'd probably lose some money but losing your self respect would be worse. Only you can decide if he's worth the stress he's causing you.

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Is there a way if i decide to stay with him that I can determine if he means business with what he is saying or not? Like being indifferent to him for a while after our small trip away this weekend, like not contacting him, to see if he will go the extra mile to work to get me back? Or is this useless. I feel like obviously he will be the way he will be, but I too easily forgive and it makes him not scared of losing me. I want him to (if he cares) be scared of losing me and constantly trying to prove to me what he has said.

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There was a post here recently, started nearly 13yrs ago by a man who was cheated on by his wife. He nearly walked, but through a lot of counselling and a lot of work, they made it, and he came back to update 7-10 yrs later.


So relationships CAN recover. It's just rare. And the reason, at least partly, is because the two parties (esp the cheater) do not have genuine conviction or put enough effort into saving their relationship.


Repairing the trust (never mind the hurt) is an ongoing process. Do NOT fall into the trap of "have it all out once and for all and then put it to bed forever". It doesn't mean you beat up over it the rest of his life, but he has to keep working at it.

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