I'm the dumper but I miss him a lot. today it's his birthday, should I email him

[Thainara]

I broke up with my 2-month boyfriend last Friday. In the beginning things were just magical between us. We fell in love very fast and deeply, our connection was very profound and we both thought we were made for each other. He is still in the middle of his divorce process (what is chaotic). We got along very well in absolutely everything although we lived in different states. We met 2 times during these 2 months of relationship, but we spent hundreds of hours skyping, texting, facetiming and talking on the phone. I knew all about his day and he did the same about my days.

We were making plans of me moving to his state (and he suggested many times that we should move together). I know, it was a little crazy but this is how we felt.

But he started changing over time. I tried to talk to him to find out what was going on as we had a great communication and promised always to be true to each other. He said he was coming back to reality and things would be not so easy like he thought. He also is very traumatized with his former relationship and he was always saying he didn't trust himself to choose a partner. And then he started changing each day more... I tried many times to talk to him about it... I wrote long messages telling him how insecure I was feeling and that I needed the guy I met at first back. He always said he was very in love with me and he didn't want to lose me but he was afraid of his current situation (divorce) and that he didn't know where he would be in 6 months (meaning he could not offer me anything). Basically he took back everything he told me in the beginning. I started feeling very anxious and confused with that. Then I told him we didn't need to have strict plans but I wanted us to have the same excitement and loving relation as of the beginning. And I talked to him, sent another long message asking him to bring me back that lovely guy I met in the beginning... another week goes by and he starts getting even more distant. Then I suggested him to take a break and think about his feelings... 3 days later I reached him out and asked how he was doing. He said he was missing me and thinking of me a lot and he was feeling depressed for not talking to me. He also said he was struggling to figure himself out but that it was being hard. He said he was not in a good spot right now so we could be together... I asked him "how do you think you can get to a better spot for we being together?" He said: I don't know... then he said he could not give me what I want right now and I asked him "what do I want?" then he said "security" and I "what kind of security?" he said "a plan, commitment". And they I told him I didn't want a date but I wanted to make plans for the future and above all I needed a commitment from his heart... then he said he had strong feelings for me (meaning he loves me) but he was more traumatized with his former relationship than he thought... he also was afraid of making another mistake. Then he said he was feeling much better talking to me but he needed to take a shower and face a busy day, but he wanted to talk to me later that day. After hanging up I felt in my heart we had anything else to talk and I sent a message to him saying we didn't need to have another talk and that we should move on. I also said that for me to move on I had to take some basic measures but it didn't mean I hated him or was mad at him... I wished him the best and blocked him on my phone, whatsapp, facebook...

Of course I am said and wishing that he had not changed... I don't know what's the truth behind this change... maybe it was only infatuation from his side and he doesn't love me anymore, but this is not what he said until the last minute. I'm still very confused and hurting, trying to convince myself to let it go - but you know how hearts don't understand it, right?

Of course I would love to hear from him, but I don't know what to expect... today it's his b-day and I don't know if I should email him a bday message...

I appreciate any comments and insights about my break up.

[LaHermes]

Thainara.

 

"He is still in the middle of his divorce process (what is chaotic)"

 

This is an object lesson to anyone and everyone: do not get entangled with someone who is going through a divorce process. A person going through a divorce is in no position to enter a relationship, less so make plans for the "future", as s/he need considerable time to a) finalize the divorce, deal with its aftermath, and then deal with their own healing, which takes time, and in his case there is trauma and chaos.

 

No, do not send him a birthday greeting.

 

And no he did not "change". After the far too fast infatuation he at least came to his senses and gained some insight.

 

"He said he was coming back to reality and things would be not so easy like he thought. "

[Keyman]

It sounds like an online rebound situation, where he had just come out of something or is going through something and needed someone there to talk to, to support him through these times, almost like he needed to take his mind off whatever was going on in his life at that time. And it sounds like you were the perfect someone to be there for him emotionally, but without being around.

 

It felt good for him to run away with his problems by virtual courting you, but as time went by everything started coming back and he couldn't ignore it.

 

Enjoy the fact that he was in your life for this brief time and move on.

[sara-pezzini]

It may be only me but i feel like i have read this story this week or last week?

[Fun Boater 1]

He is still in the middle of his divorce process (what is chaotic). We got along very well in absolutely everything although we lived in different states. We met 2 times during these 2 months of relationship, but we spent hundreds of hours skyping, texting, facetiming and talking on the phone. I knew all about his day and he did the same about my days.

 

You had no "real" relationship whatsoever. In the course of 2 months you only saw each other face to face 2 times??? ? THAT is nothing anywhere close to a "real relationship" regardless of how often you texted, called, skyped...etc... It was a fantasy relationship to begin with. So when you and he did start talking about turning it into a "reality", it quickly disintegrated because there was nothing real there to begin with.

 

But to answer your question, by all means, send him an email for his birthday or call him. You have nothing to lose because you really had nothing to lose to begin with.

[Thainara]

Exactly what I am doing... I never blame anyone else for the crap in my life. Somehow I attracted it. But despite the short time, it was a dream that could have come true if we both did our jobs, of course.

Anyways, the hardest part of this process is to struggle against the feelings, not matter how short was this time, there were feeling involved. I know he felt the same, though he could not keep it. He still has our picture on his whatsapp, I can see it even after blocking him. But I also know I can't let him play games to my mind. It's my responsibility to protect myself.

 

I'll be fine very soon... I've been through this a lot yet and had much worse situations and guess what? I survived! Haha... everybody does, but still it's hard the let-it-go process.

 

It's good to talk about it... better than be crying or begging attention from someone who really doesn't care about us...

[Thainara]

It may be only me but i feel like i have read this story this week or last week?

 

Nope, this is my first time here

[abitbroken]

After hanging up I felt in my heart we had anything else to talk and I sent a message to him saying we didn't need to have another talk and that we should move on. I also said that for me to move on I had to take some basic measures but it didn't mean I hated him or was mad at him... I wished him the best and blocked him on my phone, whatsapp, facebook...

 

NOOO. Do not contact him. You told him no more talking and you were moving on.

[Thainara]

I won't... I'm feeling better now. We all know this is not the end of the world and that most of these bad feelings are due to our own personal issues. We end up idealizing a person in our mind who doesn't really exist.