My Ex's mother just died, a month into no contact and after he dumped me

[sophienight]

Hi, first post here after lurking for a while. I'm in a very confused state right now, like probably many are here, but I also have a huge dilemma. Me and my boyfriend of 2 years broke up a month ago, well he broke up with me because of a combination of things. He lives in the US, I live in the UK. We have only been able to meet a few times due to him being a doctor, having 2 kids, and prior responsibilities. I have not been able to go over there as much as I have liked because I've been finishing up my teaching degree, working 2 jobs, and aren't able to have any time off. He has insisted over and over that being in person is needed so badly, and he needs to be able to have affection in real life frequently and to have someone to come home to. I also wanted this so badly but I don't think he understood that I can't drop everything and move there when I'm in education. We have gotten into many petty arguments and trust issues started to develop due to the distance, he has cheated once before in the past and I was still coming to terms with it. I became too clingy, expected too much of his time when he couldn't give it, and asked too much of him. He also asked too much of me.

 

For the past few months it has been so tedious, we started being that couple that breaks up and gets back together, then argues and breaks up again. We had a moment where we broke up for 2 days and he went on 3 dates in those two days, and I got so jealous how he moved on so fast. It might be a hint of his true feelings. But then he comes back and says all he could think about was me, and I'm his soulmate and the love of his life. He has recently gotten out of a 10 year loveless marriage, so I'm assuming he hasn't had chance to properly mourn the loss. But it still made me feel like . After a huge argument a month ago through skype, which ended with me in tears, he said he's done for good and he can't commit to me anymore. He say's I'm not the right person for him and he needs to socialise, and that I haven't been there at all for him. He said he's an idiot and he picked someone just like his ex wife. From then on we skype slept without saying another word, and in the morning I wrote a goodbye, told him I loved him, and that I'll keep my promise and respect his decision this time. I then blocked him and deleted him on all things apart from email. I have not reached out to him in the past month, and he hadn't reached out to me..

 

Apart from today, he came to me and plainly said his mother had passed away and that he feels numb and empty. I feel so conflicted. I haven't yet replied but what should I do? I want to be there for him so bad, but on the other selfish side, I don't want him to just come back to me for emotional support and then break my heart again when he's ok. Should I break my NC and tell him I'm sorry, and leave it at that? I feel so awful for him, his mother was his last remaining relative. Why would he choose to tell me this

[shessofly]

I would at minimum respond and offer condolences. He is understandably hurting right now. You should not look at this in terms of any form of reconciliation, but rather showing compassion for someone you care about (or not - that is up to you).

 

Unless you truly feel there is some ulterior motive I would not ignore that message. Since the breakup is still fresh and you are hurting in your own way you can go back to nc after offering condolences. It seems obvious that he would tell you this because you two just got out of a 2 year relationship. However tumultuous that may have been, you had a bond. You should not look at this as a "what-if" to reconciling. Pure motives and thoughts will make this solely about offering support (however brief that may be) for the loss of his mother.

[tattoobunnie]

His mom just died. If you did care about him as a friend, call him back, and let him talk.

[DancingFool]

Agree with above poster that I would respond minimally and just offer my condolences, because that's the decent thing to do. Outside of that, I would not invite additional contact from him or get pulled into being his shoulder to cry on. He does actually have friends and a life outside of you that he can lean on. So do keep that in mind.

 

Your break up honestly sounds for the best. There are some many red flags in your post - cheating, recent divorce, blaming his wife, then turning on you and blaming you too, etc. He sounds like someone who is very selfish, self-centered and not interested in taking responsibility for his share of the problems in relationships. The distance is likely minimizing for you the full impact of his lesser sides, but.....should you live closer, you would have probably dumped him a long time ago already.

[Starlight925]

He's reaching out because he's hurting and he just really needs to talk to someone who knows him well. Yes, I'd call him back.

 

Years ago, I had a horrible breakup where a couple of months later, he called me crying because his cat died (he absolutely loved his cat). He was bawling. I listened, offered my condolences, we had a nice exchange, and that was it. He just needed someone to talk to.

[abitbroken]

Because of the way he treated you at the end --- he does not deserve to have you for a shoulder to cry on or to offer nice comforting words. I would not respond at all. If he emails again, just say "i am sorry to hear that your mother died. I wish you the best." And block him. I am afraid that if you open that line of communication after someone treated you badly/what a mistake it was to date you, etc., they don't deserve your comfort. My ex tried to get a response out of me with some news - and i didn't bite. Time had passed and he was an abusive person

[MissCanuck]

These are extenuating circumstances.

 

I would extend your sympathies but keep it at that. Do not continue to communicate.

[boltnrun]

I agree. Just let him know you are very sorry for his loss. I wouldn't invite a ton of comfort calls or Skype sessions because, as you suspect, once he's through the initial mourning period he will likely go back to his usual behavior.