Setting A Deadline?

[Akfranklin2014]

I've been married now for almost a year. Before we got married we had some issues with my husband talking to other girls. I found messages of him talking to other girls, calling them baby, etc. I found messages between him and his daughter's mother saying he still loved her and was going to leave me "in time." I found no evidence of a physical affair between them and put an end to the talking like they were. We even went to counseling and I believed the problem was gone.

 

I was apparently wrong. I recently found messages between him and other girls. In one situation they have been friends for many years and they both claim they've always talked called each other baby and said I love you in a friendly manner. In others I've found him calling girls baby, babe, boo, etc. The conversations have almost a role playing feel about them and he says that one of them was role playing. However he asked her "what would you do if I asked you to be my real life gf." That didn't sit well with me.

 

At this point I'm pretty much done. I don't really know what to do. He says he's sorry and wants to fix it, but I feel like he's just going to keep doing it. I presently can't really go anywhere as we're sharing a car and neither of us would financially be able to survive, especially living in the area we do. If I do decide to work on it, I've thought about setting a deadline. Without one I feel like the relationship could continue on for years and the real issues not be fixed.

 

I'm just thrown because I wasn't expecting to be dealing with this less than a year into our marriage. Anything anyone can suggest?

[mustlovedogs]

You're naive to think this will work.

 

I suggest you kick him out of the house (and find a way to make this work) for a week or two. Say you need space to clear your head. See what happens then. But I think he'll keep doing it

[RedDress]

I don't think you should bother setting a deadline. The problem existed before marriage. You've been to councilling about it. It's not hard for him to understand that he shouldn't be cheating or acting inappropriately. At this point, I don't think it will change.

 

Instead, I think you should be putting your energies into figuring out your exit plan. I don't think you need to confront your husband immediately if you think there will be an issue financially. Just stop arguing with him about it. Let him have all the mistresses he wants (don't sleep with him without protection). Just use whatever time to you need to figure out how you WILL be able to make it on your own. Surely there are inexpensive apartments? Roommate situations? You can buy a beat-up car for $1000.

 

Where there is a will there is a way.

[HeartGoesOn]

My thoughts are that this is a case of what you see, is what you get. I'm sorry you're going through this, but I would begin to devise an exit plan.

 

Life is too short to stay with a SO who doesn't give a hoot about their marriage vows.

[melancholy123]

The best indicator of future behaviour is relevant past behaviour. This means he will keep doing what he's doing.

 

Kick him out, find a roommate and save for a car and move on. He's shown you what he's like.

[catfeeder]

What's the point in setting yourself up to police someone else? Either a person is trust-worthy, or they are not. Whenever they demonstrate 'not,' you get to decide how much of your time, energy and stomach lining you're willing to devote to trying to control them.

 

We never get any wasted time back to live over again.

[Lester]

The obvious seems pretty obvious, but to maybe help you understand...

 

Did you have a respectable dating/discovery period?

How long were you together before you decided to marry?

Was it trapped/forced?

Were you/he free to marry?

Do you come from compatible backgrounds?

[tattoobunnie]

You will need full access to his computer, phones, and social media networking sites, no ifs, ands, or buts, that you can check whenever you want, without him there, or not. BUT, only if the conversations were actually casual. The fact that he was role-playing, and keeping it from you, yikes. I don't see how things will work out. Are their friends and families, or is the place set up to have a roomate? And duh, you get the car obviously if you kick his arse out.

 

Whatever you do, keep records of everything, screen shots if you have to, for court. Behavior like his isn't something that can be resolved in couples counseling. He knows he's doing something wrong. Accepting him back without him figuring out what he's doing it, is just enabling him to keep doing it.

 

And btw, if he doesn't call his guy (man) friends, baby, babe, boo, etc., what makes him think it's okay to call him lady friends that?

[Akfranklin2014]

The obvious seems pretty obvious, but to maybe help you understand...

 

Did you have a respectable dating/discovery period?

How long were you together before you decided to marry?

Was it trapped/forced?

Were you/he free to marry?

Do you come from compatible backgrounds?

 

I will indulge here although I don't believe the length of time you've known someone determines how long your marriage will last. I know people who have been married 20 years and married after only a few months. We met November of 2014, started dating in December. He asked me to marry him the following October and we married last September. I don't see how either was trapped or forced. We have no kids between us. Unsure what you by being free to marry. Were we married to other people? I was previously. This is his first. As for compatible backgrounds...we have some things in common. Not quite sure what you mean on that unless you mean how we were raised. In that respect I would say we are a bit different. My mom was unmarried but living with someone that I've called by dad since I was old enough to talk (even though he's not my real father). There was a lot of fighting arguing between my mom and dad and we were pretty much poor. His parents have been married for 30+ years and they're more well off than mine. We grew up differently but when we discussed it we want the same things. I'm curious to know your take on this. Also, what do you mean by the obvious seems pretty obvious?

[Lester]

The obvious is he likes side babes, and marriage hasn't changed that.

 

While your backgrounds/dating seem okay, understand that there are thousands of silly, dead-end relationships being rubber stamped "married" this day, that don't have a snowballs chance in hell.