Justadvice Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 Thanks for taking the time to read this. Am 21 and just started seeing a 31 divorced father of 2 about a month ago. He made it pretty clear from the beginning that he likes me and all he wants is honesty and respect from me- he has trust issues from his marriage. Well I had the best time with him. He gave me every little bit of time he had when he was not at work or with his kids, he would drop everything and drive 3 hours to get me if I needed him to. A lot of dates. Told his family about me and showed me off! He did not tolerate me acting immature & the one time I blew up on him after not seeing him for a while and ended things, he made it clear he will not chase me ever! if I want to be in his life I will be and he will keep me so. Well I was walking on egg shells after that trying not to do anything stupid again until well last week. We were so good together and he had even asked me to be exclusive with him to which I did not give him an answer yet but of course I was planning on saying yes!he had just moved to a new house and I went to see the place and help him arrange some stuff. We ended up sleeping together over there then I got a call at around 10. I had made plans to visit some friends in school in a city an hour away the next day and they called. Well it was a guy and my "boyfriend" didn't like the idea of me going. but these were friends I was in college with and I made it clear there was nothing going to happen. Well next day I left and he was texting me every 15 minutes to check on me. I couldn't reply all the time as I was out playing pool and just hanging out I didn't have my phone in my hands. Found angry messages later, I texted and apologized and he told me he made plans and wanted me to go and play pool with his sister and his friend back at home. first I was drunk I couldn't drive back right away and I also told him about my plans already! I got a lecture for acting the same way he was right now the first time I broke up with him ! I got mad because this was sudden and he was acting immature. Called him, we started talking and arguing and unfortunately I did tell him to off and he hung up. Well I was too scared to even text him after that, didn't know what lecture awaited me. 4 days passed, was hoping he would cool off and maybe apologize for being an ass on his end then I would apologize my ass off. Nothing. The uncertainity was killing me. Like did we break up without even a break up text! All my previous relationships were immature pretty much I didn't know how to handle this! well I texted and said I was gonna move on and start dating. he replied that he had already moved on. That destroyed me coz I thought if I could just start contact maybe he will give me an opening to apologize or sum! Well 2 days later , I couldn't get him out of my mind, against my best judgement I decided to test the waters. Told him "I miss playing pool with you, it was more fun". He replied "More fun than what?" and " are you not having fun with your new guy" almost 5 minutes later. I thought this is positive so I said "well am comparing and you were so much fun you set the standards a bit high.". I don't have a new man by the way. he never replied its been a day now. Am literally about to just straight out say dude here is the deal. I miss you! yes or nah! but well who wants to seem needy. I wouldn't have a hard time getting over him but I keep feeling there is hope because I didn't reach out like I should after I disrespected him. Just want a green light before I go out on a limb apologizing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zippitt Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 Here is what I read, 21 and just started seeing a 31 divorced father of 2, he has trust issues from his marriage, He did not tolerate me acting immature & the one time I blew up on him after not seeing him for a while and ended things, Well I was walking on egg shells after that trying not to do anything stupid again until well last week. Well it was a guy and my "boyfriend" didn't like the idea of me going. texting me every 15 minutes to check on me. he was acting immature. All my previous relationships were immature A bunch of red flags in here, the age gap and his trust being the biggest two. We all come with baggage, the older we are the more we carry, but healing and growing means learning that the baggage one had in past doesn't necessarily have to carry into future relationships. As someone just divorced I can tell you this guy needs some healing and growing of his own before he can be a good partner. He wants to control you thinking that will stop any bad behavior, but that just pushes people into doing the very things he doesn't want to happen. Your 21, I hate to say it, but no one could expect you to not be immature at times, so you will always be walking on eggshells unless he lightens up. Again, you are 21, you have a lot of time to discover yourself, be happy with "yourself", you don't need a partner to do so, especially one that starts with drama. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 First and foremost. Don't ever try to resolve sensitive issues with a text. Call him on the phone or better ask to meet face to face. Secondly. . You are more immature than he is. Not in a bad way but in a matter of fact way. You are doing exactly what a person your age does and for a family man with a lot of responsibilities he might be looking for something different. He has an issue with your friends. You either decide you are willing to sacrifice your friendships for the sake of this guy or decide that he's the one that's too needy or controlling and find someone better suited for you. Him blowing up your phone is a really bad sign. Him twisting your words after you were very upfront about your friendship is a bad sign too. He basically called you a liar and referred to your guy friend as your new man when he knows darn well that's not the case. You are being treated like a criminal when you haven't committed a crime. I'd let this guy go. This isn't going to get better and will only escalate. He sounds very punishing. I know you feel insecure right now and I wouldn't blame you. I wouldn't call you the needy one here. He gets that title. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaHermes Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 Just. It makes no difference whether he is 21, 31 or 61. He has a problem, is recently divorced, and has all that baggage that he needs to work out for himself. This is not the man for you, OP. He seems quite paranoid, with this pathological jealousy. You can do better, OP: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 I also don't think it's a coincidence that some jealous insecure men become involved with much younger women. They are often easier to groom Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Justadvice Posted July 10, 2017 Author Share Posted July 10, 2017 Thank you for the reply! He has been divorced for 3 years now and had some relationships before me. Unfortunately most cheated on him so am left in a bad spot. Other than this he is awesome. Honestly i just moved to this new city and he has taken me to every place i know. I have a hard time opening up to new people i really don't want to move on and start looking again. Its not fun in the dating game and i found someone i was so happy with i wanna keep this. We make each other so happy and this was the first actual fight we had . Cant i really just fix this somehow? Am okay with walking on eggshells i feel it makes me become a better person. I don't have to fight about every little thing !. I know he wont chase me so i keep the minor arguments out cause i dont wanna ask to come back everytime Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Justadvice Posted July 10, 2017 Author Share Posted July 10, 2017 Thank you guys for replying! He got divorced 3 years ago and has dated a couple of times in the years. Unfortunately most have cheated so am left in a bad spot. But really he makes me happy! Am generally not attracted to guys my age range i feel i become a better person dating someone mature. Am scared to lose him so i dont fight about every little thing that could easily be avoided. I honestly just want to keep this, its really exhausting trying to find someone you connect with on that level again i havent had someone am this passionate about in years! isnt there a way i can just fix this? From everything do you think he would take me back or will i just set myself up for some big time rejection? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaHermes Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 Just. You can't force something to be what it isn't and never will be. I most sincerely hope he does not take you back. Never ever try to be a fixer in any relationship, OP. I can quite understand you may prefer a more mature person in your life. But not THIS one. Another thing, just live a little, OP, don't look so hard. Be yourself, on your own. You have lots of time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 Rejection would be better than a lifetime of walking on eggshells as to not upset this very insecure man. Woman cheat on him for a reason. By the time he's done with you, you might want to cheat on him too. i havent had someone am this passionate about in years! You are 21 and have a whole lifetime of experiences ahead of you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Justadvice Posted July 10, 2017 Author Share Posted July 10, 2017 Thank you ladies Very much. I guess i always want to have that one person. but i texted him. Didn't ask for him to take me back, i did tell him sorry for disrespecting him though. And that he was immature and insecure and i didnt deserve it! and that i deserved a break up text after investing my time and emotions ! Somehow i feel better telling him that although its not to his face! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
j.man Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 Any reason you were holding off on agreeing to be exclusive? If I'm honest, if I asked a woman I'd been dating for a respectable amount of time if she'd like to be exclusive and she was holding off, then proceeded to take calls from guys interested in hanging out, I'd stop wasting my time and move on. However, what I wouldn't do is blow up her phone every 15 minutes and give her **** for not checking in with me like I'm her father and she's 15. Sorry, but to me, that trumps pretty much anything you could have differently, and I think you owed him nothing in terms of an apology, and I wish you hadn't given him one. I'd count it as a blessing should he decide he's done. And if he doesn't, you should take that initiative yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Justadvice Posted July 10, 2017 Author Share Posted July 10, 2017 Any reason you were holding off on agreeing to be exclusive? If I'm honest, if I asked a woman I'd been dating for a respectable amount of time if she'd like to be exclusive and she was holding off, then proceeded to take calls from guys interested in hanging out, I'd stop wasting my time and move on. However, what I wouldn't do is blow up her phone every 15 minutes and give her **** for not checking in with me like I'm her father and she's 15. Sorry, but to me, that trumps pretty much anything you could have differently, and I think you owed him nothing in terms of an apology, and I wish you hadn't given him one. I'd count it as a blessing should he decide he's done. And if he doesn't, you should take that initiative yourself. He didnt ask me straight out he just made a comment. Like" so would you consider me your boyfriend now" and i laughed and said " would you want me to". He asked if i was seeing other guys i said no. So he knew i always spent time with him and told him constantly how much i like him! I told the other guy right there i was busy and will see them when i came visiting! i had no feeling for this guy and we had talked about it before. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Justadvice Posted July 10, 2017 Author Share Posted July 10, 2017 Any reason you were holding off on agreeing to be exclusive? If I'm honest, if I asked a woman I'd been dating for a respectable amount of time if she'd like to be exclusive and she was holding off, then proceeded to take calls from guys interested in hanging out, I'd stop wasting my time and move on. However, what I wouldn't do is blow up her phone every 15 minutes and give her **** for not checking in with me like I'm her father and she's 15. Sorry, but to me, that trumps pretty much anything you could have differently, and I think you owed him nothing in terms of an apology, and I wish you hadn't given him one. I'd count it as a blessing should he decide he's done. And if he doesn't, you should take that initiative yourself. He didnt straight out ask he made a comment like " would you consider me a boyfriend now " and i answered "well would you want me to". I gave him all my time and told him constantly how much i liked him. He knew i wasnt seeing anyone else. And we had discussed about the guy before. He knew he was a close friend from college and i had nothing , no feelings for him whatsoever Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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