Need to gently let down an older woman.

[Portland94]

I very recently hooked up with a woman who is more than sixteen years older then me. We went out for drinks, had a great time, and I went back to her place the following night. She has clearly gotten the wrong impression from this as, she has gotten very clingy and is messaging and ringing me everyday since then.

 

I am living abroad and met her while I was working. So she's knows where I live and place of employment, and now wants to know all about me, my roommates etc. I do not like that she is being very pushy, trying to get into my circle and become a part of my life, only after such a short space of time, only one week. Looking at it from her side, she's much older than me, has different outlooks on life, she has a mental illness, like I once had, we're alike in some ways but not enough to be considered a match.

 

I was mildly attracted to her, only mildly, for one night, and now I simply cannot stand her. I did not initiate any of this. But she is really bugging me because she wants to do all of the things I have on my bucket list while I am living here, insists on going everywhere with me, holding my hand in public, kissing me, planning weekend trips, all types of couples sh*t. It is really p*ssing me off if I'm honest. Just very clingy. Truth be told, she's actually a very attractive woman by everyone's standards, but the age gap for me is way too much. At most, I thought she was 4 years older than me.

 

I am not a nasty guy, and not wanting to give her the wrong impression, I think it's best to nip this at the bud before she gets even worse. I can tell she is very, very, very into me, the second me leave she is sending me text messages and heart emojis and all that rubbish. How is best for me to let her down gently, seeing as she frequents my place of work and knows where I live?

 

Thanks in advance,

 

P

[LaHermes]

"So she's knows where I live and place of employment, and now wants to know all about me, my roommates etc."

 

And why does she "frequent" your place of work?

[boltnrun]

Is she a customer or vendor or something?

 

You need to be honest with her. Let her know that while you think she's a terrific woman, you aren't interested in a relationship with her. Don't say "right now" and don't say you are not looking for a committed relationship because when you DO date someone else it will hurt her even more. Say you are not interested in a relationship WITH HER.

 

Expect an emotional reaction. Sorry, you're just going to have to deal with it.

 

And do NOT do this via text! Meet at a coffee house or something like that. Not at her place or yours, not at a romantic restaurant, not in your car or her car. In person or via a phone call if an in person meeting is not possible.

 

Then, follow through. No more casual sex with her (even if she offers) and no more "hanging out" together. No getting together "as friends". Cut it off permanently after you tell her.

[irishapple]

Is she a customer or vendor or something?

 

You need to be honest with her. Let her know that while you think she's a terrific woman, you aren't interested in a relationship with her. Don't say "right now" and don't say you are not looking for a committed relationship because when you DO date someone else it will hurt her even more. Say you are not interested in a relationship WITH HER.

 

Expect an emotional reaction. Sorry, you're just going to have to deal with it.

 

And do NOT do this via text! Meet at a coffee house or something like that. Not at her place or yours, not at a romantic restaurant, not in your car or her car. In person or via a phone call if an in person meeting is not possible.

 

Then, follow through. No more casual sex with her (even if she offers) and no more "hanging out" together. No getting together "as friends". Cut it off permanently after you tell her.

 

I disagree with this that he cant do it by text

 

If a person is going out with someone and its a few weeks or a one night stand text is acceptable

 

If she has mental health issues then a phone call should suffice. He is not responsible for how she feels but a phone call would cushion the blow. I would not want to be stuck in a place one one one and she have a melt down

[Portland94]

She frequents my place at work because I work at a bar when I'm not at the office. I live above the bar.

[Portland94]

Yes she's a customer, I started talking to her when it wasn't busy and then we went out afterwards. She seemed like a perfectly chill, 20 something year old. N.B, my previous relationships with women have been diabolical, they have all been nuts, way worse than this girl. I want to learn from my mistakes. She then proceeded to tell me that she has been through loads of therapy, depression/anxiety. I suffered with the disease myself a few years ago and stupidly ended up telling her when I was in bed with her, something I have never told anyone except my family. I'm not perfect either, emotionally that is, I haven't been attracted to a girl for a VERY long time and remain emotionally detached, which I do not want to be.

 

She openly will take her pills out in public, be open with everyone about her condition, and I can say this because I've been through it, makes me look at her and think she's a complete weirdo. It's not cool. Everyone can say what they want about mental illness, but I don't believe society is ready to be cool with mental illness. I believe everything happens for a reason, it made me realise that I don't want to be alone when I am her age, whereas before I lived by the ethos, "I'm leaving this world the same way I entered it, on my own". She's just a lonely person from what I can gather who craves a relationship and thinks she has found one. There is something about her that really freaks me out and makes me uneasy. Just today she asked for the selfies she asked me to take yesterday.

 

I really do not want to talk to her in person.

[Krankor]

"I'm sorry, but with the age difference between us I just don't see this going any farther than that one night." You don't have to say it in person. It's perhaps nicer but you two were never in a relationship.

 

After that, simply ignore her messages/calls (you'll have already told her where she stands with you, you don't owe her anything more) and avoid her as best as you can. She'll get the message.

[Portland94]

Absolutely, I one hundred percent agree. I've only hung out with her for three days! I'm puzzled how she think we are dating.. how do I play it cool if she comes into the bar? It is not a very busy place most of the time.

[Krankor]

Absolutely, I one hundred percent agree. I've only hung out with her for three days! I'm puzzled how she think we are dating.. how do I play it cool if she comes into the bar? It is not a very busy place most of the time.

Just be profressional and do your job. Be cordial but don't interact with her more than you have to.

[LaHermes]

Portland. You cannot expect unbalanced people to act in a balanced, well-adjusted fashion.

 

Why do you think you get involved anyhow with this type of person, or, what attracts you to them?

 

" N.B, my previous relationships with women have been diabolical, they have all been nuts, way worse than this girl."

[Portland94]

I was just thinking that. They don't look crazy when I first meet them. I want to meet a normal, nice girl but they end up being psychos. I've sort of just given up really. Is there something I could be doing to be attracting them towards me? For example, do you believe in the law of attraction ?

[LaHermes]

No, I don't believe in the law of attraction. But I do firmly believe in watching out for red flags, which are ALWAYS there, even if one ignores them.

 

Of course the unhinged don't look that way lol. But I think you said in her case she was flashing her medication and telling all and sundry about her mental problems. Now, that must surely have warned you. These people can have an exciting vibe (at the outset) as they seem to be lifting off the ground and "travelling at speed" so to speak.

 

All that said, and no matter who you meet or date, never ever give TMI, and less so after only a week, do not reveal personal details, addresses and so on. Discretion is a wonderful thing! And always, always, look behind the façade.

 

Problem is you are now landed with what is essentially a stalker. Hope she eventually tires of you lol.

[hooter]

....and I went back to her place the following night. ...

 

....I did not initiate any of this.....

 

 

Really? She kidnapped you and raped you against your will?

 

Denial is not just a river in Egypt.

[mustlovedogs]

OP, if you consistently get crazy women, have you considered that you're doing something to make them lash out?

 

I mean, that craziness was probably there before. But is it possible you're doing something to make it worse/bring it out?

[Portland94]

Yes, well she was only flashing the pills etc after I was with her. It's very confusing that they are drawn to me, they seem perfectly normal when I meet them and then turn crazy. I want a normal relationship. My roommate brings home about three girls a month, whereas I am not really like that, although I did let my guard down this time. But she hasn't messaged me today so hopefully she has gotten the hint. If she texts again I'll talk to her.

[Portland94]

Yes that is a possibility. I'm wondering do I give off some sort of strange vibe? I have major trust issues, and do not like letting anyone close to me. truth be told, I was very much an introvert growing up, didn't have a lot of friends, I had a few, but during my teens I had zero romance. Could that have played a major influence in my life?

[LaHermes]

It is likely, Portland that your trust issues and growing up background has some sort of influence on your life.

 

That said, it is therefore a little odd that you seem to get involved with the off-the-wall types. Those types are experts at hiding their underlying issue when they first meet someone and for some time after too. You just have to get better at sussing them out when they appear on your horizon.

[Portland94]

I did not initiate any of the emotional feelings/stalking/clinging. This was meant to be a one night thing.

[Krankor]

I did not initiate any of the emotional feelings/stalking/clinging. This was meant to be a one night thing.

Well, you seem to think that was implicit in your encounter that night, but why? Because that's all you wanted?

 

Well, she seemed to think that implicit in your encounter was that it was the beginning of a new, burgeoning love affair. Why? Probably because that's what she wants.

 

I'm not saying you did anything wrong or that you meant to lead her on, but why do you seem to think she should have known that it was just a one-night deal?

[LaHermes]

I know you didn't initiate stalking or clinging, P.

 

But as Krankor points out something must have led her to believe you were offering more than a ONS. Then again the unhinged and delusional can tend to see and believe something that is not there....... Their perceptions are not the same as ours and "tuned" for want of a better word on a more literal level.

Perhaps the very fact that, as you remarked in an earlier post, you gave her TMI as regards personal aspects of your life.

[Portland94]

Because she is sixteen years older than me and the age gap is just too much for s young man? Surely she can't be serious right?

[LaHermes]

LOL Portland.

 

You aren't listening.

 

She is in a different dimension where common-sense doesn't apply, much. Even if she was 30 years older than you....that is not the point.

 

She inhabits a different zone, probably a fantasy world, and for her (the way she is) everything has to be full-on and at full volume.

 

She is seeing things through an entirely different prism.

 

She'll find someone else, and the cycle goes on.

[Krankor]

Portland, I agree with LaHermes, but I don't even think it's necessarily that she's lacking in common sense. I mean, you seem to think that she should just know that she's too old for you. Again, why? I mean, you did show SOME interest in her when you slept with her. So is it common sense that a man your age would gladly sleep with a woman her age but not want to actually date her? It's not as if it's unheard of for a younger man to date an older woman, even one 16 years older or more.

 

I'm also not sure I'd call her behavior stalkerish. Maybe a bit overly enthusiastic, but first make it clear that you aren't interested in dating her before you start implying that she's a crazy stalker. Right now, it just sounds like you two have a different understanding of what that night meant, and her understanding isn't necessarily off the wall crazy.

[Portland94]

Ah ok, I understand. It's a very peculiar situation. I haven't replied to her since yesterday asking for the selfies? Do you think she has gotten the hint, or will I message her telling her the situation?

[boltnrun]

Have you seen her since the one night stand? I'm confused because you said she insists on holding your hand while in public. Have you gone on dates with her?