Should I walk away?

[IronD80]

Hey everyone, I will try and keep this short.

I (37), have been with my wife (31), for a total of 8 years. We just got married in 2015. We had a beautiful wedding, an even better honeymoon, a brand new house, and I can honestly say for 8 years we've had a rock solid awesome relationship. I have always been supportive of her, I'm affectionate, and love to plan surprises and spoil her on special occasions. I truly loved her unconditionally and she had all my loyalty and trust.

 

However, literally one year after our wedding, I was completely blindsided to find out she had cheated on me with her much older boss (46 married with 3 kids). Basically I found out through a text message late one night. A few weeks later I found out they secretly met up in a parking lot to smoke a joint and discuss issues at work (So she says). At this point I'm suspicious, and after doing some digging, I discovered they had been texting flirty messages to each other for the past 2 months, sometimes sexual, and more than one time making comments to something happening between them. I confronted her immediately, and she denied it for weeks. I couldn't let it go, and we argued for quite a while until finally she turned to me one night and said she had something to tell me. She admitted that her boss tried kissing her at work a few times. She says she was scared, fearful of her job, and didn't know how to stop it. However, the texts that I read did not seem like she was scared, or wanted out of this thing so badly. At this time she only admitted to 2 times he tried to kiss her, however there were more texts referring to other stuff happening. I questioned her over and over to tell me everything and she insisted there was nothing more to tell. A few more weeks later, I questioned her again, and finally she admitted to a 3rd incident happening at work. She admits this time there was intense kissing with heavy groping but insists that's as far as it went. To this day she won't admit to anything else.

 

When she admitted to the first incidents, she was literally on her hands and knees, holding my feet, BEGGING for forgiveness. Crying uncontrollably, walking around the house like a zombie uttering to herself over and over "Oh my God, what have I done!" And "I can't live this life without you" for weeks! She lied to me so much and tried to hide this "affair" so desperately that I don't know what the truth really is, or if there's anything else I don't know about. I asked her to take a polygraph and she basically called me crazy and going overboard. I'm sorry, but by refusing a polygraph, to me that screams guilt, and since that day (1 month ago now), she left the house to go stay at her parents, saying she couldn't handle being interrogated any longer and needs to leave to save her sanity! She has since quit her job of 15 years, with good pay and benefits, in hopes that I will stay. She took courses on self improvement, and we even tried marriage counselling a few times which we both thought to be a bit of a waste. She desperately wants me to stay no doubt about it, and she was remorseful in the very beginning, but lately she just wants her life back, and desperately forget this ever happened.

 

I found out about the affair back in December, and we have been living in limbo for 6 months. I have always been the type to never forgive such a betrayal, but I'm having an extremely hard time coping with this. She is still hanging around in hopes that I will forgive her and start over fresh. My mind has literally been all over the place and I have at times felt like I was going crazy. I was very depressed for the first 3 months that my doctor prescribed me anti depressants and anti anxiety meds. I took the antidepressants for only 1 month before the side effects literally screwed up my head so badly I had to come off. I have been off them completely for almost a month now, but I still don't feel like myself. I have constant anxiety, I have constant fears of my age and the feeling of getting old. Fears of dying, fears of being alone, fears of a hopeless future, on top of head cloudiness and grogginess. I only take Lorazepam as needed, which is maybe twice a week. All of the side effects and fears came about once I started the antidepressants. I'm actually scared that they did some sort of permanent damage. At this point, I don't know if I'm feeling crazy because my life is literally in limbo, or if it's the meds. I'm scared of starting over at my age, and losing everything I worked so hard for and built the life I always wanted. I am an emotional guy, and have a hard time with breaks ups and letting go. I feel legit traumatized. I want to forgive so badly and save the past 8 years but at the same time I just can't believe she did what she did. Especially so soon after our wedding!!! I can't believe this is happening, I honestly wake up every day hoping this is all a bad dream. I feel like I have no bearing, no direction, no idea what my future holds and can't stop freaking out. I've been getting out with buddies more and more and even started back at the gym. It does help but the racing thoughts and fears continue once I come back home. I have literally had this on my mind for a constant 6 months non stop and just don't know how to move on.

 

Anyway, sorry for venting

[SherrySher]

Have you ever considered going for personal therapy to help you cope with all of this?

[Lester]

Your reactions are pretty much normal.

 

Everyone has been programed (mass media/pop culture), to think infidelity is no big deal.

How many times in your life did you, hear or say, 'if he/she cheated, bam, I'm gone"

 

Now you know the truth.

 

 

Sometimes/many times, long live together relationships seem happy and compatible.

Once real vows, promises and commitments are made, reality sets in for one or both.

 

This can trigger a flight response. Maybe this is what happened to her?

 

 

First Aid:

Start reducing and eliminating all drugs.

They only prolong the pain but interrupting the minds healthy healing process.

 

So you can understand infidelity, secretly purchase James Dobson's "Love must be Tough" (Never let her see this book and don't confuse Dobson, the inventor of TL, with today's anger/retaliatory laced TL)

 

 

PS, You're not that old!

[Songbird86]

Awww I really feel for you. That must be so tough. What struck me though is if you hadn't found out about her cheating in the beginning and pushed for the truth, where would you be now? Would she still be lying to you?

 

Can I ask why you found the marriage. counselling a waste? Did it address why she was in a place in her head that made it ok to cheat on you? Because it's not ok. You are not to blame, you sound like you treated her very well and in answer to your question about walking away, what's your gut instinct? Will it ever be the same? 37 is certainly not old by the way so don't let that even be an issue!

Also agree you might benefit from personal therapy - this might help you make what feels like the right choices

[IronD80]

I've been recommended CBT therapy which I will definitely look into.

 

Honestly I have no idea if it would still be going on or not, obviously she says it was coming to an end but I will never know. The counselling was expensive, and we both left not really feeling good about it. Maybe it was just the counsellor himself we didn't connect with.

 

Her reason for allowing the affair to happen was she was weak, vulnerable, scared, and used it as an escape from reality because we were thinking of starting a family. I was ready for a baby, and she obviously was not. We did have a fight about when to start trying for a baby, right before the affair started. In my opinion there's never an excuse for cheating, but she says she felt the pressure from myself and her mom about having a baby, and used this as an escape

[IronD80]

I really feel that everything I did for her was all for nothing, or wasn't good enough. All our memories down the tube. I went above and beyond proposing to her, we had a big wedding, and feel those are things I've been robbed of and should only happen once in a lifetime.

 

I'm worried about having "divorce" on my resume, even though I'm not to blame. I get these crazy thought like who's going to want a 37 year old divorced guy! I realize I'm not that old, but this happened at a pretty bad time in my life, and if I ever want kids, I need to meet another girl young enough, build another solid relationship before even considering that! And this is all after who knows how long it will take me to get over this, and able to trust anyone again! I feel like I'm in panic mode with the clock against me.

[kbbcoop77]

The problem is she's shown she's capable of cheating..not just emotional but also physical. And refusal of the polygraph then the dramatic exit to her parents ...(gaslighting..she leaves because YOURE crazy)...this is pretty messed up. Personally I'd have a problem with trust. And once trust is gone..actions always speak louder than words.

[BeenThereB4]

A 37 year old divorcé with no kids is still a catch. You will have no problem finding a woman who wants to marry you and have a family. So, put that thought out of your head.

 

Your wife cheated on you and tried to guilt you into staying with her. When the guilt trip didn't work, she got angry. This is what cheaters do when they get caught. Be grateful that you found out before impregnating her. Then, you might have ended up trapped in a sham marriage with an innocent, little person suffering right along with you.

 

You deserve better. Go to counseling. Trust in your support network. (I'm sure your family and friends don't think very positively about her betrayal of you.) Take all the time in the world you need to heal. You're not up against a clock. In fact, all of the steps you will take toward healing will help you to one day be ready to love again.

 

Do not listen to your wife's lies. Do not trust her. She will only cheat on you again. You deserve to be with someone with whom you can share a mutually faithful relationship.

 

Best of luck to you. I'm rooting for you.

[SherrySher]

I feel like I'm in panic mode with the clock against me.

 

Do not stay with this woman just because she's available and you've been with her for a while and you want to have kids asap. That is the worst plan, ever.

 

She has shown you that she is not a loyal partner and it would be a total disaster to bring children into this scenario.

 

I realise that starting over is scary but it makes the most sense. She did blacken everything now with being with another man. You can't undo that.

 

You are young and you are much more resilient than you give yourself credit for. You might be 37, but the woman you find that will make a good partner for you

 

could be 5 years younger. What I mean by that is, you've got lots of time.

 

I agree with others, go to personal counselling, heal from this and realise that you do deserve better.

[Songbird86]

"Her reason for allowing the affair to happen was she was weak, vulnerable, scared, and used it as an escape from reality because we were thinking of starting a family"

 

IMO this is what solid relationships are for. To support during these tough times. What were your wedding vows?! She should have confided in you and said "hey I'm really scared" and give you the opportunity as her husband to support her and her fears. What she did instead was run from you and then stab you - causing you immense pain - because she couldn't face her own fears. That's really messed up and sorry to say, she has issues.

 

I can really relate to your fears though. I got married at 29 and we separated almost immediately. I found out I was pregnant but because he was so abusive (threatened to take the baby away after it was born) I aborted. I was heart broken. Who would ever want to be with a 30 year old divorcee?!! Now again 2 years on I've come out of another heartbreak feeling these same fears. But have faith that age/status/past experiences really will not matter to the person whose really meant for you: the one who'll treat you as you deserve to be treated. With respect, unconditional love and absolute trust.

[IronD80]

Every day is a struggle. My constant fears and anxiety are worrying me. I don't know if the meds did something, or its because my life has been in limbo for so long, or just the fear of losing everything and starting over period. As mentioned before, I am an emotional and sedimental guy. I definitely have a hard time letting go. Especially since this was supposed to be the start of our lives together. House prices have skyrocketed in my area, so finding another house like the one we had seems next to impossible, which adds to my anxiety. At this point, I'm most concerned with my mental well being. The constant fear, anxiety, and grogginess in my head is worrying me. Has anyone experienced this after finding out about an affair? I've felt like this for months.

[WalkingAway]

Hey everyone, I will try and keep this short.

I (37), have been with my wife (31), for a total of 8 years. We just got married in 2015. We had a beautiful wedding, an even better honeymoon, a brand new house, and I can honestly say for 8 years we've had a rock solid awesome relationship. I have always been supportive of her, I'm affectionate, and love to plan surprises and spoil her on special occasions. I truly loved her unconditionally and she had all my loyalty and trust.

 

However, literally one year after our wedding, I was completely blindsided to find out she had cheated on me with her much older boss (46 married with 3 kids). Basically I found out through a text message late one night. A few weeks later I found out they secretly met up in a parking lot to smoke a joint and discuss issues at work (So she says). At this point I'm suspicious, and after doing some digging, I discovered they had been texting flirty messages to each other for the past 2 months, sometimes sexual, and more than one time making comments to something happening between them. I confronted her immediately, and she denied it for weeks. I couldn't let it go, and we argued for quite a while until finally she turned to me one night and said she had something to tell me. She admitted that her boss tried kissing her at work a few times. She says she was scared, fearful of her job, and didn't know how to stop it. However, the texts that I read did not seem like she was scared, or wanted out of this thing so badly. At this time she only admitted to 2 times he tried to kiss her, however there were more texts referring to other stuff happening. I questioned her over and over to tell me everything and she insisted there was nothing more to tell. A few more weeks later, I questioned her again, and finally she admitted to a 3rd incident happening at work. She admits this time there was intense kissing with heavy groping but insists that's as far as it went. To this day she won't admit to anything else.

 

When she admitted to the first incidents, she was literally on her hands and knees, holding my feet, BEGGING for forgiveness. Crying uncontrollably, walking around the house like a zombie uttering to herself over and over "Oh my God, what have I done!" And "I can't live this life without you" for weeks! She lied to me so much and tried to hide this "affair" so desperately that I don't know what the truth really is, or if there's anything else I don't know about. I asked her to take a polygraph and she basically called me crazy and going overboard. I'm sorry, but by refusing a polygraph, to me that screams guilt, and since that day (1 month ago now), she left the house to go stay at her parents, saying she couldn't handle being interrogated any longer and needs to leave to save her sanity! She has since quit her job of 15 years, with good pay and benefits, in hopes that I will stay. She took courses on self improvement, and we even tried marriage counselling a few times which we both thought to be a bit of a waste. She desperately wants me to stay no doubt about it, and she was remorseful in the very beginning, but lately she just wants her life back, and desperately forget this ever happened.

 

I found out about the affair back in December, and we have been living in limbo for 6 months. I have always been the type to never forgive such a betrayal, but I'm having an extremely hard time coping with this. She is still hanging around in hopes that I will forgive her and start over fresh. My mind has literally been all over the place and I have at times felt like I was going crazy. I was very depressed for the first 3 months that my doctor prescribed me anti depressants and anti anxiety meds. I took the antidepressants for only 1 month before the side effects literally screwed up my head so badly I had to come off. I have been off them completely for almost a month now, but I still don't feel like myself. I have constant anxiety, I have constant fears of my age and the feeling of getting old. Fears of dying, fears of being alone, fears of a hopeless future, on top of head cloudiness and grogginess. I only take Lorazepam as needed, which is maybe twice a week. All of the side effects and fears came about once I started the antidepressants. I'm actually scared that they did some sort of permanent damage. At this point, I don't know if I'm feeling crazy because my life is literally in limbo, or if it's the meds. I'm scared of starting over at my age, and losing everything I worked so hard for and built the life I always wanted. I am an emotional guy, and have a hard time with breaks ups and letting go. I feel legit traumatized. I want to forgive so badly and save the past 8 years but at the same time I just can't believe she did what she did. Especially so soon after our wedding!!! I can't believe this is happening, I honestly wake up every day hoping this is all a bad dream. I feel like I have no bearing, no direction, no idea what my future holds and can't stop freaking out. I've been getting out with buddies more and more and even started back at the gym. It does help but the racing thoughts and fears continue once I come back home. I have literally had this on my mind for a constant 6 months non stop and just don't know how to move on.

 

Anyway, sorry for venting

 

We are exactly on the same situation but the difference is i''m the one who did this to my husband. He has his gambling habit, like to stick with me, don't allow me to go out with friends (if he does, he will feel upset like a young boy) i know he just love me but sometimes too much is also not good. Maybe your wife is looking for something that she cannot find from you? I am not proud or what in my situation because this is not easy at all. So many confusion in our mind, that we wish it shouldn't happen like that. I still love my husband that I don't bear to leave but the used to it with the guy i am meeting right now. So difficult to walk away. I am doing my self therapy by this forum, reading those comments about my actions is really helpful for me. Not easy but i''m on the progress to fix myself in the right path again. Give your wife some time that she need to fix herself.

[EternalOptimis]

Sadly, I went through something very similar, and likewise she denied, mitigated and minimised. I went through (I put myself through) the mincer for months (all the while she's still seeing this "just good friend") till finally I had enough and walked. Within weeks she decided actually their relationship really WAS intimate and inappropriate and agreed to end it if we were back together.

 

But it was too late. I never trusted her again not least as she never tried to repair trust. Just tried to brush it under the carpet. We limped on for over a year supposedly together. I now know she never really took responsibility for the affair. It ended finally a few months ago only with a lot more pain.

 

I berated myself for a long time for staying, and that's really damaging. If you stay, make sure she REALLY has taken responsibility for what happened, and that she takes the LEAD ROLE in repairing trust and addressing the hurt she caused (not just apologies). Oh and make sure you really have the whole story.

 

Good luck. And trust your judgement.

[VelvetRemorse]

I noticed when you described her reaction to being caught, it seemed that her expressions focused solely on what it meant for her life. I don't want to say that's wrong because I'm sure it's normal to feel shock/guilt/fear after realizing damage caused. However, I would be interested to know if she's since expressed concern or remorse for how you feel after all of this. I don't want to make any judgements about her or imply anything in saying this...I am just giving you something to consider that might (hopefully) be helpful. I've learned that one of the signs of being manipulated by someone is finding yourself consoling them even when they have hurt you.

 

Is she asking you how you feel or what you need?