I've Lost my Boy

[sjb6050]

Hello friends.

 

Back in April my girlfriend of 3 1/2 years and I split up. I won't get into the backstory but it ended, needed to end and ended pretty badly. She has a five-year-old son that I am not the father of however I have known him since he was under two years of age and he has always called me daddy. Our relationship ended with her harming me in ways that were personally and publicly damaging. She went into psycho mode. Posting private texts on Facebook, stealing things from my home, letting her new boyfriend who she cheated on me with into my house to help her move her things out. I am of course not without my faults but I would never put our relationship in the public eye or cheat. I simply became a stressed out boyfriend who stopped courting her because frankly I doubted her commitment.

 

It has since been three months and I have gone complete no contact which I know was the right thing to do. Especially for the things she did to me at the end. Back in May I had a missed call from her and when I listen to the voicemail it was not her voice but her son's. They were at the park and he said he loved and missed me and wanted to see me. Obviously this made me very emotional but I knew that this was some kind of manipulative move on her part. The damage that she caused me personally and professionally warrants a lot more than her using her own son to get in contact with me, furthering her disturbing behavior. As unbelievably difficult as this has been and I have never returned that phone call after two months. I guilt trip myself many times each week and wonder about him all the time. I love him with all my heart.

 

This might be a question that only I can answer and I really do not want to give up the power I have gotten through no longer contacting her but do you think it is advisable to get in contact to see him? I feel that I want this because I love and care for him and I believe it is good for him. On the other hand I do not want her to have the benefit of a person like me in her life and I am afraid of not being able to move on with my own life with 1 foot in the door of this past relationship.

 

What would you do? I feel like this is a unique situation and sometimes even worse than a divorce because I don't have any legal right to him. I would like to see him so badly but I don't want to talk to her at all. Have any of you ever been in a similar situation? What do you feel is best? Thank you for all replies.

[SherrySher]

This is a very difficult situation but I don't think you have options, I am sorry to say. I don't think she will allow it and she will want her new bf to become the new man in his life.

 

Yes, this can be incredibly confusing for the child and it is very unfortunate.

 

I have seen more than one question exactly like yours and I do feel for you. Becoming emotionally attached to a child and then breaking up with the parent can be like a second heartbreak.

 

But it also is incredibly messy and will interfere with your healing and will confuse everyone.

 

I, unfortunately do think you need to find a way to let this go. I know it will hurt, but there is no other solution.

[glitterfingers]

I have been in a similar situation. I won't rehash the details to you because it still stings deep down. Several years on and I still have many regrets. Unfortunately, there are virtually no resources for people who lose children who were in their care but not biologically theirs. This can happen to partners, stepparents, grandparents or other relatives. I think one of the few resources I found online while I was going through this simply explained a similar story, and at least I got some comfort from knowing that what I was going through was real and not wildly uncommon. (i.e.) It's not hard to question your own sanity and motivations after the breakup, and wonder about the role that the child plays in the bond between you and their parent - "Am I missing him because I also miss her?" and that sort of thing. The only consolation I can offer you is that your grieving process is entirely natural and authentic, though most people you talk to will not understand the depth of the bond that you created with this child and thus won't understand the amount of pain that you'll go through.

 

In many ways I think it is scarcely different from a biological parent losing custody and dealing with parental alienation - really, what is the difference once you have played a parental role in that child's life? (Other than the lack of legal resources, which only compounds the issue). If people can love adopted children just the same as biological children, then the grieving process for losing any child that you love can be (more or less) very much the same. I am very sorry for the pain that you are going through - and I have to admit, in my experience, it doesn't get better over time, you simply move on with life and put some distance in between the past. There will be points where it can feel wildly excruciating before you come to terms with it. But you also create new experiences/memories and grow to be a stronger person. In my case, it's made me somewhat bitter about the thought of having kids of my own one day, but that's a different issue entirely, and I'm currently in a relationship with another single parent but a lot more careful about how we proceed this time around.

 

Lastly, as much as this won't feel right to you moving forward, it is in fact the best thing for everyone involved that you don't try and have much of a relationship with this child. I had disputes with my ex and his parenting style (which were entirely valid) but this caused him to sever all ties with me and stop me from visitation with the child. A year later, I realised it was probably the right thing to do since having him in my life would make me miserable, make it harder for both of us to move on, and also confuse the child especially if they catch wind of any conflict (and kids can be intuitive about such things). Nothing you do is going to make a significant impact on his upbringing and life moving forward, bar playing the role of an uncle in his life, and that's just not a viable solution with how things ended. What you CAN do is try and patch things up with your ex to the point that you can take him a birthday present once a year, if that's something that you two can get to a point of agreeing on, but don't expect to play any other role in his life than to watch him grow from a considerable distance. Also don't expect that your ex will continue that arrangement indefinitely. After a while, it gets to be like "why not just move on?" ... in the beginning though, it can help with the grieving process. All I'm saying is don't hold out too much hope, and don't ask for too much, lest you be heavily disappointed.

 

I'm sorry I can't give you any more positive hope and validation. This is just my (hard-earned) experience.

[No1]

Ive been there before and you wont like the advice you get.

 

With the break up not only do you cut ties with the X, but also her son. I think SherrySher said it best. Now without giving you a false sense of hope, you don't know what will happen in the future. Maybe in a few years when all the romantic and emotional ties fade, maybe you can contact her and see how the boy is doing. Other than that, you just have to make a clean break. Sorry

[j.man]

Back in May I had a missed call from her and when I listen to the voicemail it was not her voice but her son's. They were at the park and he said he loved and missed me and wanted to see me. Obviously this made me very emotional but I knew that this was some kind of manipulative move on her part.

I use the word very sparingly, but that woman is a Grade A b****. Unbelievable to not only do that to you, but to her own son as well.

 

I'm sorry to say, but I don't think you've got any options other than to block her and not risk any repeats. It's honestly one of the biggest reasons I never dated single mothers. First off, I didn't want to worry about a kid before. But if I was going to be in one's life, I could never put myself in a position to effectively raise them and not have any legal rights to them. It'd be devastating. While the T-word gets thrown out a bit much for my liking sometimes, I do think this is a situation where it could benefit with you to sit with someone for a couple sessions.

[sjb6050]

I have been in a similar situation. I won't rehash the details to you because it still stings deep down. Several years on and I still have many regrets. Unfortunately, there are virtually no resources for people who lose children who were in their care but not biologically theirs. This can happen to partners, stepparents, grandparents or other relatives. I think one of the few resources I found online while I was going through this simply explained a similar story, and at least I got some comfort from knowing that what I was going through was real and not wildly uncommon. (i.e.) It's not hard to question your own sanity and motivations after the breakup, and wonder about the role that the child plays in the bond between you and their parent - "Am I missing him because I also miss her?" and that sort of thing. The only consolation I can offer you is that your grieving process is entirely natural and authentic, though most people you talk to will not understand the depth of the bond that you created with this child and thus won't understand the amount of pain that you'll go through.

 

In many ways I think it is scarcely different from a biological parent losing custody and dealing with parental alienation - really, what is the difference once you have played a parental role in that child's life? (Other than the lack of legal resources, which only compounds the issue). If people can love adopted children just the same as biological children, then the grieving process for losing any child that you love can be (more or less) very much the same. I am very sorry for the pain that you are going through - and I have to admit, in my experience, it doesn't get better over time, you simply move on with life and put some distance in between the past. There will be points where it can feel wildly excruciating before you come to terms with it. But you also create new experiences/memories and grow to be a stronger person. In my case, it's made me somewhat bitter about the thought of having kids of my own one day, but that's a different issue entirely, and I'm currently in a relationship with another single parent but a lot more careful about how we proceed this time around.

 

Lastly, as much as this won't feel right to you moving forward, it is in fact the best thing for everyone involved that you don't try and have much of a relationship with this child. I had disputes with my ex and his parenting style (which were entirely valid) but this caused him to sever all ties with me and stop me from visitation with the child. A year later, I realised it was probably the right thing to do since having him in my life would make me miserable, make it harder for both of us to move on, and also confuse the child especially if they catch wind of any conflict (and kids can be intuitive about such things). Nothing you do is going to make a significant impact on his upbringing and life moving forward, bar playing the role of an uncle in his life, and that's just not a viable solution with how things ended. What you CAN do is try and patch things up with your ex to the point that you can take him a birthday present once a year, if that's something that you two can get to a point of agreeing on, but don't expect to play any other role in his life than to watch him grow from a considerable distance. Also don't expect that your ex will continue that arrangement indefinitely. After a while, it gets to be like "why not just move on?" ... in the beginning though, it can help with the grieving process. All I'm saying is don't hold out too much hope, and don't ask for too much, lest you be heavily disappointed.

 

I'm sorry I can't give you any more positive hope and validation. This is just my (hard-earned) experience.

 

 

Thanks so much for your insite and I do believe you are right. It is incredibly heartbreaking but reaching out to me at this point just feels weird. She obviously felt bad about the situation and backhandedly tried to contact me through him but not only would I feel strange being around her in her new crappy situation but I don't want to give her the benefit of having someone like me in her life. I just feel so bad for the boy.

[sjb6050]

I use the word very sparingly, but that woman is a Grade A b****. Unbelievable to not only do that to you, but to her own son as well.

 

I'm sorry to say, but I don't think you've got any options other than to block her and not risk any repeats. It's honestly one of the biggest reasons I never dated single mothers. First off, I didn't want to worry about a kid before. But if I was going to be in one's life, I could never put myself in a position to effectively raise them and not have any legal rights to them. It'd be devastating. While the T-word gets thrown out a bit much for my liking sometimes, I do think this is a situation where it could benefit with you to sit with someone for a couple sessions.

 

Yeah I definitely agree on the assessment. I think really deeper down is that she doesn't know herself, trust herself or love herself and it manifests in ways like this. Either way not healthy for me to be involved with her. I actually had already been going to therapy since before we broke up and honestly it is a saving grace. It helps me process all of this and put my deepest darkest thoughts are on the table which helps me get past them. I am just now slightly starting to feel the pain slip away on certain days but then it creeps back heavy as hell. I'm sure it will for sometime. I really appreciate your response.

[glitterfingers]

Thanks so much for your insite and I do believe you are right. It is incredibly heartbreaking but reaching out to me at this point just feels weird. She obviously felt bad about the situation and backhandedly tried to contact me through him but not only would I feel strange being around her in her new crappy situation but I don't want to give her the benefit of having someone like me in her life. I just feel so bad for the boy.

 

Yes, she might have been manipulating you both by letting her son contact you. Then again, my exes daughter contacted me a few times after the split with similar text messages "Miss you", "Love you", "Hi how are you?" - she was a few years older, but kids are brought up on technology these days and know how to do basic things. My current partner's daughter accidentally calls me every few weeks while she's playing on his phone, and she's only 3.

 

He will be fine so long as he is loved. Kids are unbelievably resilient.

[sjb6050]

Yes, she might have been manipulating you both by letting her son contact you. Then again, my exes daughter contacted me a few times after the split with similar text messages "Miss you", "Love you", "Hi how are you?" - she was a few years older, but kids are brought up on technology these days and know how to do basic things. My current partner's daughter accidentally calls me every few weeks while she's playing on his phone, and she's only 3.

 

He will be fine so long as he is loved. Kids are unbelievably resilient.

 

It's weird, I hope you are right so he feels loved but I guess I selfishly wish I was there for him to show him love. Just a really tough situation. I hope that some kind of natural resolution develops over time. I also fear that he'll forget me even though we shared so much a lot of his being came from our interactions. It's pretty heartbreaking

[glitterfingers]

It's weird, I hope you are right so he feels loved but I guess I selfishly wish I was there for him to show him love. Just a really tough situation. I hope that some kind of natural resolution develops over time. I also fear that he'll forget me even though we shared so much a lot of his being came from our interactions. It's pretty heartbreaking

 

Heartbreaking, but you will cherish those memories forever

[sjb6050]

I kind of hate that I am even posting this because I feel like a little . But the other day after four months of me applying no contact My ex called me again, the same one I've referenced in this thread. I just started a new job last week and things are looking really good with my life right now but this has had a little bit of an effect on me. I did not answer (but was thinking this was the "I apologize and I miss you" moment) and she then texted me that her parents want some useless item that I still have and asked if her dad could pick it up. It's literally a broken down child's wagon toy that her dad had gotten her son two years ago that he never played with. I'm having trouble believing that that is the real reason she contacted me especially the fact that she attempted to call me first. We haven't spoken in four months and had a live in marriage like relationship for four years and she was just going to call and say "hey can my dad pick up this wagon"?? With no other conversation?

 

I have a feeling that she wants to say more than that or maybe even made it up but she just can't admit any wrong doing and has never apologized for everything she has done. I guess I'm just posting here so I don't contact her and again I feel pathetic that I am letting it get to me but she so wronged me badly and I guess I just want her to learn a lesson or to feel validated or something.

 

Do you really think that that is the only reason she was trying to contact me? I never responded and it has been two days.

[No1]

Or perhaps thats what she wants, just the wagon. I think you are way overthinking things and its going to drive you crazy. The situation is really simple. 1. If you have the wagon and you want to let the kid have it, you respond in kind and say her dad can pick it up (and set ONE day). or 2. You can reply by saying you no longer have the wagon.

 

by now you have every right to throw it away so no need to explain why. Its been there more than a month and if she wanted it, she could of had it by now.

 

dont overthink.. keep things simple.