I am amused by Needy

[Jibralta]

But it doesn't bother me. I don't see them as lesser, or want them to change. If they can hold on, they're welcome to stay.

[mustlovedogs]

But it doesn't bother me. I don't see them as lesser, or want them to change. If they can hold on, they're welcome to stay.

 

How on earth can you say it doesn't bother you when you LEFT HER IN THE MUD?! I'm seriously blown away. That means you find her presence so annoying that you can't even be a decent person around her (until she got less annoying)

[LaHermes]

If one isn't needy oneself it is very difficult to understand in others.

 

Anyhow, I think this is just a philosophical type debate, kind of along the "meaning of life" arguments.

 

Right, Jib?

[limichelle]

Neediness comes from feeling insecure within. It's like some people think they aren't loved until someone loves them. It's sad. Where is the self love?

 

I used to be that girl who thought my happiness solely relied on a guy. That's why I was in a delusional online dating relationship, only meeting the guy twice. I thought if he's there even if on Skype then I'm fine. Truth was I wasn't fine. Me being needy caused me to spiral into a depression. I was only harming myself relying on someone that was honestly a jerk.

 

My ex and I it was unhealthy. We just were needy with each other. So for ten years I was in this bubble with him. Trust me it took time to pop that bubble.

 

Now I'm ready for a relationship not because I need it but because I want it. I'm finding my own happiness in taking care of my body and learning to love me.

 

Needing constant affirmation and needing support just hinders you, it doesn't help you grow.

 

Lisa

[itsallgrand]

Any animal is most dangerous when desperate. Caution and even revulsion seems a natural enough survival mechanism, to me. And fear. There can be empathy too.

When you have someone who desperately NEEDS, the risk increases that they will resort to things they may not otherwise do if they did not feel so panicked to get what it is they think they MUST have to go on.

 

It's not really a stable dynamic. You can't grow an equal partnership in that situation.

 

We have all been in that role to varying degrees. You can't control everything.

 

It's different when it's a way of life, an identity. Identifying and relating as a dependent. Someone who cashes out on trying anymore to take care of themselves. Expecting others to bear the loads all the time. It really is child - ish - not meant to be derogatory, but descriptive. Children truly are dependent. Some adults relate that way too, with the same hysterics a child in desperation to get what they need / want does.

[itsallgrand]

[video=youtube;vWCOY2bgEF0] ]

[SherrySher]

Ah geez, people.

 

You know what? There is always going to be all sort of different kinds of people, some needier than others. That does not make them less than or worse or bad people. Nor does the less needy mean that they are decent human beings who have it all together.

 

We all have flaws and some can be more vulnerable than others, but that doesn't mean anyone should hate or judge each other.

 

I truly do think it's a matter of acceptance but if you don't like an individual based on their personality or characteristics, that's your right.

Neediness might possibly be a sign of a weaker personality, but it's not harmful or something to hate.

 

The thing is, you might not be needy, but you've got flaws that someone else won't like..all of us do. It's what being human means, you've got flaws and not everyone will like you.

 

Big deal.

 

None of us should be spending our time hating each other's flaws or judging them.

I think what's more important is if we all try to be good people.

[Batya33]

i think neediness is subjective and also telling someone that his behavior is too needy is not saying he is a needy person -just at that time, the behavior is coming across as too needy and the other person probably needs a breather or some space from the neediness. When I feel needy/clingy I stay in tune with that feeling so I don't act on it because with rare exception, acting on it is self-absorbed or selfish. If I'm very ill, yes, I'm going to be needy of my husband to take care of me for example -but on his end, he'll expect that from me and won't experience it as too needy if that makes sense. If that kind of behavior is limited to those times when it's typical to be needy/dependent/even clingy then the person's partner/close friend, etc. should be there to support. The problem is if it's constant or at times when typically most people could stand on their own two feet or at least make a valid attempt, then that can get overwhelming for the other person.

 

I see someone needing another person as very different from acting in a "needy" way.

[boltnrun]

Sometimes both parties are equally needing of attention. I know some couples who text one another every time they take a breath.

 

"Baby, I just got to work, talk to you soon, love you!"

"Baby, I just took a bathroom break, wanted to tell you I love you!"

"Baby, I'm on my 15 minute break, just want to tell you I love you and miss you and can't wait to see you!"

"Baby, I just took another bathroom break..."

 

Well, you get the idea.

 

That would bug the crud out of me now, but teenage me would have thought it was sooooo sweet!

 

As long as both of them want the same amount of contact/cuddling/etc., there's no problem. The problem comes when each of them desires a different level of contact, etc.

 

So, one person's "needy" is another person's "soooooo sweet!"

[mustlovedogs]

The post originally questioned why neediness is often advised against. I personally don't think needy people are lesser, but I think it's a trait to work on if it's impeding relationships.

[SherrySher]

Agreed mustlove.

[j.man]

The post originally questioned why neediness is often advised against. I personally don't think needy people are lesser, but I think it's a trait to work on if it's impeding relationships.

At its core, absent the users who are abusive or being abused, pretty much all of the advice we offer is just that-- suggestions for expand your options and the quality of them. I mean some people genuinely are cool with working more or less entry-level retail all their life. I don't go to the grocery store and pull them aside to tell them they need to be changing it up. But if someone were to complain about not having enough money or needing to get paid more or not liking working retail, then yeah, gotta throw in what I gotta throw in.

 

Ultimately, throughout all facets of life (not just dating), we find ourselves striking that balance of being ourselves and playing the rules of the game. Lord knows I've got countless aspects I could change and that have limited my options but have still chosen to stick with. If I were a "nod and say yes, ma'am" kind of guy, my romantic life would have been a far, far different story.

[Jibralta]

If one isn't needy oneself it is very difficult to understand in others.

 

Anyhow, I think this is just a philosophical type debate, kind of along the "meaning of life" arguments.

 

Right, Jib?

 

Yup. A sincere inquiry into people's opinions and perspectives on the matter.

 

I haven't read through all of the replies yet, but I plan to.

[rosephase]

For me "need" invalidates "want". If a partner "needs" me, how the heck will I ever know if they want me. I understand that in long term relationships we will need each other from time to time. Life is hard and full of pain and struggle. Need will arise. "needy-ness" to me means you need the other person all of the time. That person is what keeps you able to function. That isn't love in my mind. Not on the side of the needer.

 

I strongly believe in autonomy. The only person responsible for me is me. I'm responsible for my happiness, my contentment, my peace... I'm responsible for me fears and insecurities. I think a "needy" person is making their partner/friend/parent/whatever responsible for their emotional state. Which sets that partner up for failure. And leaves them needed and not wanted. I want a partner who chooses me, over and over again... not because they have to because of a deep need, but because they desire my person in their life.

[Wolfshook]

Neediness is psychological abuse.

 

Put yourself in a position where you get constant angry calls to your work because you havent replied to her fb message that she sent you 2 minutes ago. Or where you go out with your friends and come home to a passive agressive comments and hatefull looks.

 

It's simply mental torture.

 

Not to mention it's a sign to other underlying problems.

[Giblesp]

'You are needy,' is often an excuse for bad behavior.

 

Knew a woman who was getting rude and disrespectful, so I pointed this out to her. She said I was being 'needy.' Told her I value positive communication, and wont be responding again if she speaks to me in a disrespectful manner. It continued so I left, pointing out that that's what any self respecting man would do in that situation. From her perspective, it was naturally all my fault.

 

Felt like a weight from my shoulders, and she no doubt is continuing to hook up with doormat men, treating them like sh#t and complaining that all the good men have gone, and she cant find someone to settle down with. Men who require her to not be rude and disrespectful, are 'needy and insecure.'

[Batya33]

'You are needy,' is often an excuse for bad behavior.

 

Knew a woman who was getting rude and disrespectful, so I pointed this out to her. She said I was being 'needy.' Told her I value positive communication, and wont be responding again if she speaks to me in a disrespectful manner. It continued so I left, pointing out that that's what any self respecting man would do in that situation. From her perspective, it was naturally all my fault.

 

Felt like a weight from my shoulders, and she no doubt is continuing to hook up with doormat men, treating them like sh#t and complaining that all the good men have gone, and she cant find someone to settle down with. Men who require her to not be rude and disrespectful, are 'needy and insecure.'

 

That has nothing to do with whether being needy is a negative thing. That simply has to do with one individual accusing someone else of behaving in a certain way as a way to defend against criticism. She could have used any negative term to defend herself. Her choice to defend herself in by a personal attack is the issue, not what label she happened to use. And this is one woman so not "often".

[Jibralta]

STILL haven't gone through everything here, but some of what I'm seeing indicates that there is a broad definition for "needy." A spectrum. On one end of the spectrum, "needy" refers to people who need reassurance of some sort. On the other end of the spectrum, it refers to people who prey upon or feed off of others. To clarify, my question refers to the former type of person. The latter sort is (in my opinion) another sort of person altogether (and I don't personally believe that they need ANY reassurance! Just FOOD. Or BLOOD. Or BRAINSS).

 

As an example of what I am referring to, I recently saw a post where a woman was asking whether she should call a man after x number of dates. Apparently, his communication had dropped off and she was concerned about the direction/status of their relationship. A bunch of people counselled her against calling him, warning (and even chastising) her that she might appear "needy." I don't think these people felt that she was an evil mastermind bent upon controlling, abusing, or manipulating him. It was pretty clear that the lady just wanted to find out what was going on.

 

That's really the sort of situation that I am referring to.

[Jibralta]

I believe these actions are the results of insecurity and anxiety, which translates to "needy".

 

I differ from you in that. I don't think the people that you describe are insecure at all. They are just very good at deceiving other into believing that they are. They look like wounded birds, but it is a ruse. A siren song. People who get stuck with these predators often excuse them with things like, "I know he's really a good guy, but he was hurt by his last girlfriend. He only treats me badly because of that. He'll get better..."

[Jibralta]

I'm confused. How can you say neediness doesn't bother you when you admit, above, to letting relationships fade until they are less needy?

 

I mean... you left a chick in the mud! So you could take her friendship or leave it.

 

Which is why neediness is advised against. Because it'll kill relationships, as YOU even admit

 

Where did I admit that? You are mistaken. I was friends with both those girls for years. At least 15 years. And I'm still friends with one of them. That friendship is going on 26 years now. I've even maintained friendships with boyfriends who turned out to be needy. Neediness is just one aspect of the whole person, and I think it would be a shame to cast a friendship off for one small 'defect.'

 

That means you find her presence so annoying that you can't even be a decent person around her (until she got less annoying)

 

That's absolutely true, and it was (and still is) the key to dealing with her. She needs very strong boundaries. She is not overly sensitive at all. She can take it.

[dias]

Neediness is just one aspect of the whole person, and I think it would be a shame to cast a friendship off for one small 'defect.'

 

 

I think that you don't acknowledge neediness as a big deal while others do. That's the difference.

 

I do agree that neediness is just a small blemish in someone's character which rarely has negative implications(Maybe I haven't met any person that needy yet-lol). There are a lot more serious flaws!

[Jibralta]

I think that you don't acknowledge neediness as a big deal while others do. That's the difference.

 

I think that about sums it up, dias! I do find it non-threatening... perhaps because I feel no obligation to 'help' people when they behave that way.

[Batya33]

I think that about sums it up, dias! I do find it non-threatening... perhaps because I feel no obligation to 'help' people when they behave that way.

 

Yes, and maybe you don't need personal space as much as others or interpret neediness as "feeling needed" in a positive way -you benefit from that dynamic, that power dynamic - it works for you. To me it's not a small defect in the least especially in serious relationship whether close friendship or close romantic relationship. You might feel no obligation to help people when they behave that way but if it's in your face constantly -whether through text messages, whining, negativity, etc. then you might react in a different way. Or if you can tune out that kind of noise and choose not to help in reaction to "needy" then that will work for you.

 

Most people I know, including me, experience it (depending on the extent/timing/context of course!) as irritating/interfering with personal space/selfish and disrespectful. Again depending on the extent. It's not wrong to feel good or fine around needy adults of course - just unusual. I don't think the person who cannot tolerate it at a certain extent is not willing to overlook a "small' defect -I think it's about self-care and wanting a balanced relationship which, when one person is very needy, is by definition not equal or balanced in the least.

[Jibralta]

It's easy for me to tune people out when they demand too much. I'm not and have never been a people-pleaser. Nor do I have much need for approval. I wonder if this disposition prevents me from feeling guilty when I fail to meet the needs of others, and if this lack of guilt is what prevents me from feeling resentful towards people who demand more than I have to give.

 

maybe you don't need personal space as much as others

 

This appears to be a common conclusion. But I actually prefer to be alone most of the time.

[Batya33]

It's easy for me to tune people out when they demand too much. I'm not and have never been a people-pleaser. Nor do I have much need for approval. I wonder if this disposition prevents me from feeling guilty when I fail to meet the needs of others, and if this lack of guilt is what prevents me from feeling resentful towards people who demand more than I have to give.

 

 

 

This appears to be a common conclusion. But I actually prefer to be alone most of the time.

 

So then let's say you were sleeping and your SO woke you up because he was feeling lonely and needed attention. Or called you at work incessantly to ask for your help on one thing or another that was really small stuff because he just needed your attention? Or sulked through a dinner with friends because you changed the subject from talking about his aches and pains to talking about a movie you saw last week? Or kept losing jobs because he couldn't work independently or make decisions without leaning on other people? I get that you can tune out people who act in a demanding way but there are many examples where tuning out is ineffective on a practical level.