Afraid I'll never be in a relationship again...

[clockorange]

36 year old male.

 

My ex (a somewhat mutual break-up, and in time I'm pretty sure we both will be close friends again) was the first person I had a bf/gf relationship in 10+ years. Sure, there were FWB's between that time. And sure, I dated a little. But nothing came of any of those until I met Ex. So when I started dating her, my inexperience in having a relationship shown through immediately. I learned from those mistakes, but it was too late.

 

Due to those mistakes, and a whole lot of forgetting how to converse with each other, we broke up a month ago. NC for a month, and we just talked for the first time last night.

 

After a relatively restless night thinking about our conversation, I woke up in a grip of fear this morning. All of a sudden I realized how long it had been since I had been in a relationship. I'm so scared that it's going to be another 10+ years, hell, maybe even 2+ years, until I find someone else. I know I still need to heal from this relationship, and I'm okay with that. But-----

 

Sigh.

 

I'm getting up there in age. I'm introverted. I hate bars, and get annoyed with online dating after a month or two. All my friends are getting married, settling down, and I keep waiting for that to happen to me. It is something I want.

 

How am I supposed to find someone again when it took me 10+ years last time?

 

I guess I'm just looking for a little support, right now. A little "Everything will be fine" haha. The break-up hurt, sure, and is still hurting, but the underlying fear feels strangling.

[Scoe141]

How am I supposed to find someone again when it took me 10+ years last time?

 

Or it can take you one day.

 

The thing is, we just don't know. You can't give up though. Someone won't magically fall into your lap. I'm single and most of my friends are married and have kids. So I can understand your frustrations. I've dated enough to know what I want and don't want. That's why I've refused to settle. You shouldn't either. You should also never lose hope. You never know what, or who is around the corner.

 

Stay focused on your life, improve any areas that might make you a better mate. Use this time to make yourself better. Then when you do find her, she gets the best possible you.

[jdb740]

Hey, I'm not really sure what to say other than that I sort of seem to have a similar outlook on life. I'm a 35 yr old male, and while currently in a relationship, went several years between past relationships and each time (especially the 6 year gap between first and second relationships) and really wondered the same things. Wasn't the most outgoing, too shy to approach anyone anywhere, let alone a bar, and the whole online dating thing wasn't working out for me. Even with my current relationship, which I've been in for 2+ years now, we haven't decided to get married or anything yet, so I still worry about 'what if it ends, I will be also 36 and single while all of my friends are getting married/having kids.' I won't disagree, it's tough.

 

But for what to do right now, as strange as it sounds, don't try so hard. Yes, I'm going to say all the cliché stuff, take the time, work on you, etc. While it is cliché, it does work. Don't focus on finding someone (I'm not saying don't look for girls, just keep that as a low priority) Look for other things to do that have the added benefit of meeting people. Look for friends and nothing past that, keep your options open. Chances are, if you put yourself out there, connections will form and will lead you somewhere. As I'm sure a lot of people older than 36 will tell you, your mid 30's certainly aren't the end of the world.

 

Hope that helps, you're welcome to PM me if you want to share more.

[clockorange]

But for what to do right now, as strange as it sounds, don't try so hard. Yes, I'm going to say all the cliché stuff, take the time, work on you, etc. While it is cliché, it does work. Don't focus on finding someone (I'm not saying don't look for girls, just keep that as a low priority) Look for other things to do that have the added benefit of meeting people. Look for friends and nothing past that, keep your options open. Chances are, if you put yourself out there, connections will form and will lead you somewhere. As I'm sure a lot of people older than 36 will tell you, your mid 30's certainly aren't the end of the world.

 

Thank you for this. I guess I get nervous about about the whole 'find things to do to meet other people.' Most of my interests are pretty lonely. I write, I read, I workout. That's pretty much it. I've tried writing groups and reading groups, and get flustered when there are too many people around and tend to quit right away. I'm pretty introverted, so groups / places with a lot of people wear me out quickly.

 

Maybe that should be what I need to work on? Not so much changing how introverted I am, but working on actually dealing with it in a positive way than just keeping myself to my house.

[No1]

I know it feels that way. I was there too. Truth is that you will find someone, but there is a big butt in there. BUT are you wiling to make yourself available? Don't like bars? Then don't go to them, don't like online dating? Don't do it then. So just how are you going to help yourself? You think those are the only two ways of meeting people? I'm not going to sit here and tell you all the ways you can get out there because it will be up to you to research and more importantly, get out of the house.

 

The odds of you meeting someone increases dramatically if you get out of your comfort zone. Or just get out and give yourself a chance.

[Careerchoice]

How am I supposed to find someone again when it took me 10+ years last time?

 

I had my first heartbreak in 1997. My next relationship was in 2003. Then that relationship ended, I was dumped on a Monday and in a new relationship on Friday. I am not good with girls either. You don't know how it's going to go.

 

All my friends are getting married, settling down, and I keep waiting for that to happen to me.

 

I will say this, you say this about "waiting" for it to happen to you. How about you go out and make it happen instead? Because you are the guy and it's on you to make it happen. There are gender roles. No sense in complaining about it. Accept it and move on.

 

Even without adjusting anything in your behavior, if you went out and spoke to 100 random girls in the park, a certain percent would get into a conversation with you. A certain percent of those you would have some chemistry with. A certain percent of those would give you their number if you asked. A certain percent of those would return your call. A certain percent of those would go on a date with you. A certain percent of those would kiss you at the end of it. A certain percent of those would sleep with you. A certain percent of those would agree to become your girlfriend. It's inevitable.

 

Now you could be the type of guy that says "But why do I have to do all that work, it's not fair?", or "My success rate is going to be so low, what's the point?", "It's too hard", blahblahblah. Or you could be the guy that goes out and does the work. Which one do you think is going to be the one who wins in the end? There really isn't a choice here. Either you do the work or you die alone.

[Bob2526]

I was actually thinking about posting a similar topic. I'm 34 and my break up happened in December of last year. It was actually my first real relationship,first time I've ever been in love. I've dated a few people but it never went anywhere. I'm turning 35 at the end of the year and have often wondered if I'll ever get married or meet that special someone. All my friends are getting married and settling down. My brothers are settling as well. I think I was looking for a way out of my last relationship because I felt like I was settling and wanted to see what else was out there. The break up still hurt though . I am happy to say that I'm finally getting over her and not thinking of her nearly as much.

I agree that you have to put yourself out there and get out of your comfort zone. I've had several dates and it's been fun. I also feel like there will be someone out there I am more compatible with. It's been a learning experience. That's for sure.

[Viewcart]

I know you really want a relationship right now, but before you consider going back into dating, you need to work on yourself first. You need to learn from previous relationships otherwise you'll find yourself in repeated failed cycles.

Why did they end? Why did none of the relationships progress to marriage? Was it because you don't know how to meet the emotional needs of your partner or was your choice in partners wrong? Perhaps you saw red flags in your ex early on but decided to ignore them?

 

After you've changed and worked on yourself, then will you attract like minded people. It's easy to play victim or live life in fear & insecurities. You must build confidence first and learn to love life being single. No one is responsible for your happiness. Getting into a relationship when you have low self esteem will only magnify it which will cause you to push your future partners away eventually. When you've taken time to love yourself, then you can come back and ask where to meet women, in the meantime, don't.

[bbogdanov]

Don't be with a "I MUST get a girlfriend, all my friends are marrying etc." mindset!!! It's totally exhausting and self-deprecating! I am often battling with the same mindset and it pisses me off (sorry for the rude words). This is not some type of "race" with being in a relationship/marrying the final goal. Keep calm, try to go out and meet new people (don't have to be in a bar!), think positive and don't look desperately for a relationship! It just happens when you meet the right person. That doesn't mean you don't have to put some "work" but definitely don't make it an idée fixe!