Emmy512 Posted July 5, 2017 Share Posted July 5, 2017 My husband and myself would like to start a family. However, I DO NOT want a child unless it's a boy. I would rather not have any children at all than have a daughter. I feel so confused and guilty for feeling this way. How can I overcome this? Does this make me a horrible person? I think a lot of the reason I feel this way is probably because my mother and I don't get along and haven't talked to each other in 6 years. And my mother doesn't get along with her mother. And her mother didn't get along with her mother. Why do I feel this way? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jibralta Posted July 5, 2017 Share Posted July 5, 2017 Have you considered adoption? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mustlovedogs Posted July 5, 2017 Share Posted July 5, 2017 Do you think you would hate your child if you were pregnant with a girl? Or if you had fraternal twins and one was a girl? Would you have an abortion? I think this is best sorted out with a therapist Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted July 5, 2017 Share Posted July 5, 2017 No, you are not horrible. But I would explore in therapy this animosity with the female gender . I would become emotionally healthy before having any child whether boy or a girl . Raising any child requires the best of you . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaHermes Posted July 5, 2017 Share Posted July 5, 2017 "Why do I feel this way?" OP you are not your mother or your grandmother. You are you. Present tense. They are past tense. Have a look here: thedaughterhood.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted July 5, 2017 Share Posted July 5, 2017 I had kind of wondered if I could be a good mom to a boy. I was extensively sexually abused as a child by men. I found that I loved my beautiful baby son more than life it's self. I wanted him to be proud he was a boy and is now a man. So it is common for abused people to question how well they can parent. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nutbrownhare Posted July 5, 2017 Share Posted July 5, 2017 Before you even contemplate getting pregnant, you need to explore and exorcise the ghost of these terrible maternal relationships. Especially the one with your own mother. As it is, that traumatic legacy will have a negative effect on your ability to bond with any infant you may have - because it will affect your capacity for intimacy. Babies of either gender will pick this up, no matter how good your parenting is on a practical level. A subconscious fear that you will have the same relationship with the baby that you had with your own mother will be there in the background and create an emotional barrier. You have the opportunity to make a choice which your forbears didn't have, or didn't make - to banish this tragic legacy. Your guilt's worth exploring, too, as guilt is often the flip side to anger - and if you can work with it, it can set you free. Don't torment yourself with thoughts that you are a bad person. You are not; you've just been traumatised. But you needn't stay that way. Good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaHermes Posted July 5, 2017 Share Posted July 5, 2017 I wish I could express the thought as well as you have, Nutbrown. "you need to explore and exorcise the ghost of these terrible maternal relationships. A helpful book: Mothers Who Can't Love: A Healing Guide for Daughters by Susan Forward Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nutbrownhare Posted July 5, 2017 Share Posted July 5, 2017 Mothers Who Can't Love: A Healing Guide for Daughters by Susan Forward That sounds like a very useful book; I'll look into it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 6, 2017 Share Posted July 6, 2017 What if you have a boy and he decides to be a girl (either through surgery or transgender, etc)? Or you have a boy who acts in ways you associate with females even though he is and wants to be a boy? I always thought I wanted a girl. Then I got pregnant and just wanted a healthy baby. 8 weeks in I knew I was having a boy- just knew -and I was THRILLED. My sense was confirmed later on -I was right, and I was still thrilled. And I'm very happy I had a healthy baby and very happy to be a mom to a boy, even though I always thought I would want a girl. I would definitely look into therapy before having a child of any gender. I'm sorry you had those experiences and that you know about the bad experiences of your mother/grandmother and I think speaking with a trained therapist (or at least a religious figure you trust) would be very helpful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melancholy123 Posted July 6, 2017 Share Posted July 6, 2017 I think some therapy would be very beneficial to you. I never got along with my mother and my first child was a girl and I love her just as much as I love my son. I think you could sort this out with some help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dahl Posted July 6, 2017 Share Posted July 6, 2017 Wanted to echo the advice of the others, OP, as well as offer reassurance that, should you pursue therapy, no therapist worth their salt should dismiss you as any sort of 'bad' person, either. You should be able to speak freely and frankly without fear of being chided or judged. Best of luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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