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I’m dating this guy in his mid-40s and I’m in my mid-30s (neither of us either ever married). He’s a nice guy, intelligent, sweet, and we have some laughs. He is a bit self-involved and really only talks about himself, although not in a particularly annoying way. It’s mostly just a long stream of consciousness detailing every little thing he is doing. I’m more of a listener than a talker anyway and I don’t really mind. We’ve been together for about four months. He seems very attached to me. He takes my hand, tells me he misses me when I’m away, he’s very affectionate (hugging, kissing, always has his arm around my waist) and always smiles and seems genuinely happy that I’m around. It sounds great, right? Well, unfortunately, the sex is fairly horrifying. When he is on top, it is one speed, jackhammer pounding of the cervix, followed by a brief respite to presumably breathe, then right back to it. On top of it all, there is absolutely no emotion in it. Zero. No kindness, no tenderness, he just seems disengaged and mechanical. He also doesn’t seem to care if I “finish,” at least not enough to ask or make any mention of it. He does his pounding until he is done, then he rolls off to the side without a satisfied sort of sigh.

 

I could probably get him to stop going at me like I’m the State of Texas and he is attempting to drill for oil. But, I’m really not sure what to make of the complete lack of engagement, especially from someone who is very affectionate outside of the bedroom. Out on the street, he treats me like I’m potentially going to be the next love of his life. Get him into the bed, though, and it’s like I’m some $50 hooker he picked up on the corner and he just wants to get his rocks off so he can put me in a taxi with my ill-gotten crack money. It’s bizarre! I would appreciate any outside thoughts on this one because I’m really at a loss. I have no problem bringing this up to him gently (which I will) but I wanted to hear some other perspectives on it first. How is this possible? Has anyone else seen it? Are some people just not affectionate in bed?

 

Thanks so much!

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Angel.

 

Sounds strange indeed.

 

"He is a bit self-involved and really only talks about himself,"

 

I'd be careful if I were you.

 

He cannot deal with the intimacy required during the sex, which is not the same as being affectionate out in public, putting his arm round your waist etc.

 

He also doesn’t seem to care if I “finish,” at least not enough to ask or make any mention of it.

 

Reminds me of what is called the "Madonna/" complex...

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People with certain issues/personality disorders can fake social conventions like affection, holding hands, hugging, etc. The problem is that they don't feel the emotions that a normal person would that go hand in hand with those gestures. They are not capable of anything more than mimicry. When you look at the entire picture of being self absorbed, lacking emotions, drilling you rather than making love to you, you are likely facing much bigger and more serious issues than he just likes to talk about himself and is bad in bed. Beware because at his age, he knows better but he simply looks for passive partners who will tolerate him at least for awhile.

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He might just suck at sex and has never been with a woman who has "taught" him how to meet her needs. I would suggest having a conversation about it - in bed. Ask him to try new positions and communicate to him what is you want from a lover. You can't expect him to change his habits unless you are willing to teach him what you want, and how to provide it. Just talk about it.

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I dated a guy like that once. Actually, we only had sex once, but.....yikes. And yes, same: talked about himself a lot, but was a great guy to date otherwise. Took me to dinners, held my hand, etc. The one time we had sex, he had made me dinner (I know, code for wanting to have sex), which was fine, as I was ready. He literally jumped at me while I was on the couch, and he said "I've been a good boy long enough", and he proceeded to pull his pants down, push my skirt up, and go to town. Bang bang bang, done. Roll off. I was like, WTH just happened. I thanked him for dinner and never returned his calls.

 

What you've got there, little lady, is a selfish, self-centered narcissist who only cares about his own needs.

 

Be so done with him. Unless you'd like to try this experiment: Tell him how you'd like to be touched, moved, etc., and then see what happens. And then....be so done.

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Yes, LH.

 

You see, OP people like him don't actually like sex. It's a chore, a sort of required chore, in their strange perception. And if the chore could be avoided, they would.

 

Their world is different, OP, and best avoided.

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I would be disappointed with any lover who didn't seem concerned about my pleasure in bed. What you describe sounds very unpleasant. Have the talk and try to choose your words wisely. He may not realize how bad his bedroom skills are. Somehow I doubt that, but you never know. I will give him a pass that he is just oblivious as opposed to a selfish narcissist. If he isn't receptive to listening and learning how to take care of you sexually, I would move along...

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Yes, emotionally dysfunctional people are not affectionate in bed. I had a GF who'd had alot of casual sex.(not a problem for me) She was completely unable to bring her emotions and sex together, probably because her body was so conditioned to having emotionless sex with strangers.

 

Possibly, your BF has had more than a few casual experiences in his life and is now unable to sexually function in an actual relationship. You could certainly have a chat with him about it, but in all honesty I'd say leave him as this isn't good for you. The chances of him getting to the bottom of his sexual dysfunction quickly are minimal, and you can't wait around for a middle aged man to learn how to make love.

 

Get yourself a healthier partner.

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Thanks so much for weighing in, everyone! This was quite helpful.

 

Here is my resulting plan of action...

 

I'm going to try (mostly gently and politely) to talk about the topic and see if there is any hope that things will change. I'm going to keep in mind that this may be a man who has no clue how awful he is and this may be the result of a long string of casual sexual encounters in his life that have caused him to be a bit emotionally dysfunctional. However, with that being said, I'm going to remain highly skeptical because I'm quite in agreement that this man may just be a self-centered narcissist who is never going to change (and does not want to change). And, if things aren't progressing in very short order, I'm going to run for the hills.

 

Thanks again!!!

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