anon27 Posted July 4, 2017 Share Posted July 4, 2017 My fiancé and I had an explosive fight last night. I can't believe it got to where it went and I'm still not over it. He acts like I'm to blame but I feel like we both have the fault in this. What happened: We were with friends at a BBQ. His one friend, Brian* (changed name for anonymity), has always been aggressive. He was overly aggressive and outright mean the entire night to everyone (except me because he knows better -- this isn't his first time doing this). Throughout the night, everyone was calling him out about how mean he was being, and he wasn't listening. It got to a point where he asked my fiancé who he's choosing for a best man, to which my fiancé explained he couldn't choose because it was stuck between four people, Brian included. Brian proceeded to berate each one of his choices, to which I felt it wasn't my place to step in because the majority of the choices were in the room and decided not to defend themselves. It was when he got to my soon to be brother-in-law that I lost it. He started to rate my fiance's relationship with his brother, rate how good my BIL is at his job, how my BIL treated him, etc. I lost it -- I told him he needed to step down and that he needs to check himself because jokes or not he doesn't have the right to rate my fiance's choices in best man. My fiancé yelled at me to go outside, and we fought outside. I took his car and went home, as he said he'd rather walk home (the BBQ was two blocks away). My fiancé got back twenty minutes after I did, and immediately the fight began. I told him I was defending him, and he told me that's just "how they joke." I said it wasn't cool (Brian used to be my fiance's bully when he was in middle school, which makes me more mad that he thinks he can talk to my fiancé like that). We were fighting and suddenly my fiancé drops the bomb on me that he went through my phone and looked through the texts with my mother and read our conversations talking about my issues with my in laws. I stated I didn't like my in laws in a text, but my mother and I have spoken about it aloud before, so she understands that I don't because of how they treat him. He rightfully felt hurt and angry because of my feelings about his parents, BUT I felt BETRAYED because he went through a private conversation with my mother. He knew when we began dating that my mother and I are VERY close -- I frequently call her my best friend -- due to some circumstances we've gone through together. I felt violated, I felt betrayed, and I felt naked, like nothing I own is sacred anymore, like I can't even text my mother about MY issues. He got mad that I didn't tell him about my issues with his parents, to which I said that it wasn't logical -- why would I tell you I don't like them straight out? I never wanted him to feel like he was in the middle, and so I said nothing about it. Don't get me wrong -- I was vocal about things they do to him multiple time, to which he would brush off. Then we began the kitchen sink effect. He kept bringing around to his parents, to which I said he had no right to talk about considering he went snooping to find something to be mad about. He kept needling me to talk about it, so I broke down exactly WHY I didn't like them and my take on it, because he wanted to hear it so badly. He proceeded to get so mad, saying I was "putting him against his parents" and suddenly punches and breaks his nightstand. I immediately got up and started packing -- I wasn't going to deal with that. Because his mom heard the sound of the nightstand, she decided to barge into the room in the middle of our heated argument. She had been knocking every ten minutes and asking us what was going on throughout the entire fight, so when she barged in without knocking, I lost it. I screamed at her to get out twice because she wouldn't leave. I felt like she wasn't respecting our space, that she wasn't allowing us to fight. I understand now her fear of not knowing what was going on once she heard the nightstand breaking, but the fight was not explosive prior and she's known to constantly ask questions and find her way to get in the middle of things to try to neutralize it no matter how inappropriate. I suffer from anxiety and I tend to black out when it's at it's worst, so I lost it and when I came to I realized I punched the wall -- Im very aggressive when Im going through an attack and that's why I was trying not to get it to escalate. We ended up screaming at the top of our lungs, and he was fighting me off the door so I couldn't leave. The rest of the fight was us going in circles about the same topics, and me going through the remaining phases of my attack. I even took off my engagement ring at a certain point and now he's more hurt because of it. Now it's the next day. I have to apologize to his mother, no matter how I feel about how she threw herself into our situation. I also now have to find a way to fix the wall -- and my anger issues when I'm getting an attack. I still feel betrayed. I still feel mad. I don't know what to do or how to approach this because I know it's just going to go in circles. I feel like everything is hopeless and that it's beyond repair. I feel like this destroyed our relationship, the last thing I wanted. All because I'm the idiot who defended his fiancé. What should I do? Link to comment
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