Dating With Bad Anxiety? Advice?

[xcookie7x]

Hello everyone. I've been dating a guy for about a month and a half now. Things have been going good and he's been affectionate and warming up to me. He has told me he is interested and whenever we hang out he's a gentleman and will even offer to go out of his way to bring me a drink and always picks me up. Our last date was the best and it just "felt right" on both ends. A day or so afterwards I sensed him pulling back and thought it was something I did. He's been texting less and the texts are more "dry" I guess you could say. Well, that's been going on for a week now. Yesterday I kept quiet and didn't hear from him. I decided to check in on him later that night since he wasn't saying anything and it's unlike him so this is how our last convo was last night= me: "Hey, just checking up on you! I know you mentioned you haven't been feeling the best lately. Wanted to make sure you're okay. and he answered me back on his work break saying "Hey sorry I took a while to reply I'm at work. I've been alright I guess, still feeling anxous here and there. I'm sorry if I have been talking to you less, I get kinda distant when I'm anxious. Also with how much I've been working and the times I can barely talk as it is." So I said, " No worries. I know how it can feel so just thought I'd check up." and he replied once he got out saying "Hey thanks so much for checking up, I really do appreciate that. I'm holding it together the best I can." And the last thing I said was "Of course sweetie. Take it one day at a time, you got this. I promise you'll be feeling better soon."

 

I know talking to him about it is best and I will if it continues for a longer period of time but I'd like some opinions on what to do right now because I don't want to force him to talk about personal things and make him uncomfortable or add more pressure onto to how he's feeling lately.

 

My question is how do you think I should approach this with the best odds of it continuing and not dying? He's a really sweet guy. And I do honestly think he's telling the truth. He told me he just recently went to a doctor for it. I've also noticed he's been way less active on social media and stuff too so I do think he has a valid excuse in what he is telling me. So at this point with how he is feeling should I back off and give him space until he chooses to come around on his own? Do you think I should check up on him every few days still? Or just give him tons of space and stay silent until he comes around on his own if he decides to do so?

 

Thanks for the help!!!

[JellyfishXxx]

Well I would maybe turn the conversation onto other things, e.g. how his work is going, what he has been doing in free time, etc. Basically try to find something he feels good about and not push the conversation about his troubles on more.

[Andrina]

You're not exclusive, so your expectations about daily communication should be lower than if you were exclusive. I'd let him take the lead for a while on communication. Don't make more effort than he does, and don't reach out if he's gone incommunicado. This is supposed to be the honeymoon period, where you're really high into the relationship. He will show you how much or little effort he's making toward the relationship, and then you can see if the amount is satisfactory to you or now. It's about how a person treats you in the long run that is important.

 

You don't know if he suffers from depression, or if he's using something like work as an excuse to back away. If he suffers from depression and does nothing about it, that should be a deal breaker for you. You don't have a crystal ball, so be patient and let him show you over time how he operates. And don't accept breadcrumbs if you eventually see he's not meeting your needs. That's the point of dating--to see who treats you well and makes you feel special, and who doesn't so you can cut ties with him.

[xcookie7x]

Do you feel I should still check in on him every few days then? (Assuming it is truly going off him being anxious) Or should I just totally let him cope doing his own thing.

[xcookie7x]

Thanks and I totally get what you are saying. I'm just asking advice going off him hypothetically being truthful though. Not whether or not he is lying. I'm asking, (assuming he is 100% distant from anxiety) should I check in on him? Or is it better to deal with someone whose very anxious by totally giving them space and not checking in or talking? I get what you are saying. But I'm asking my questions based off hypothetically thinking he is being honest in his excuses. I want to just know how people think I should handle someone with bad anxiety. Because I don't mind that. I just need help.

[GrowingUp85]

Thanks and I totally get what you are saying. I'm just asking advice going off him hypothetically being truthful though. Not whether or not he is lying. I'm asking, (assuming he is 100% distant from anxiety) should I check in on him? Or is it better to deal with someone whose very anxious by totally giving them space and not checking in or talking? I get what you are saying. But I'm asking my questions based off hypothetically thinking he is being honest in his excuses. I want to just know how people think I should handle someone with bad anxiety. Because I don't mind that. I just need help.

 

I think you should try to keep the conversation going. It doesn't hurt to ask him to set a date to see him in person, either. If you like this guy and don't initiate conversation, it's easy for that person to take that as a sign of disinterest.

 

That said, I agree with the advice about bringing other things up. Don't mention the anxiety. You're not so deep in the relationship yet that you should bring it up unless he does first.

[Andrina]

You've only known him six weeks. You don't know if he'll find your "checking up on him" as motherly or intrusive, or if he'll welcome it. The fact that he's going distant so early is a warning sign that he's not emotionally healthy enough to be in a relationship, and he does admit that it's a pattern for him to be distant with others when anxious. Who the hell needs that? There are happy-go-lucky, cute men out there. Go find one of those.

 

You don't know how often this guy grows distant. If it was an egregious matter he didn't normally experience and he was really into a new woman he was dating, he would explain what's going on and ask for her patience to deal with the matter.

 

This guy explained nothing to you. He faded away. Either he's a coward and no longer wants to see you and hopes his poor behavior will make you go away, or he's emotionally poor relationship material.

 

Don't be so desperate to blame yourself for someone pulling away if you did nothing wrong. Don't be so desperate to accept breadcrumbs. Be open to date others if a good one comes along. Don't make any more effort with someone who doesn't make effort with you. Many women having rescuing mentalities, and want to save a poor soul from his misery. He needs to save himself.

[Vexna]

Well, it sounds like the guy's legit to me. I've had anxiety the last 20 years so I know what it's like and many isolates themselves when it hits. Also it's not the best idea to be dating when suffering from anxiety since you have a tendency to get clingy. Could also be a reason he distances himself; He wants to handle it om his own, maybe he was dumped for being clingy?

 

So my advice is to give him his space, BELIEVE him when he says it the anxiety and if you really miss him, put a bag of groceries or something outside his door with a sweet little note saying you didn't want to intrude but thought he might like some fruit or something. Things like that are SO appretiated! However do that furthure down the road when you know each other better.

 

And don't worry, this is typical behaviour with anxiety. You already got the proof on his social media.

 

Remenber: itispure HELL to live with anxiety and yeah, he should have told you about it but with anxiety you do the dumbest things since it affects your thinking, concentration and memory. You even get physical symptoms from it.