Do I have to move out to grow up?

[BlueEternity]

This is my situation: I am a 28 year old woman who lives in my parents' home in a basement apartment (I have a living room and a bedroom, but share kitchen and bathroom areas). I have a large family, and currently my younger brother (25) is also living at home fulltime, and two other siblings are home part-time while they attend college (they live on campus, but the college is nearby, so they are home frequently, including every break), as well as my youngest sibling who is still a kid. I have lived apart from my family in the past- my college was very far from home, I lived off-campus my senior year, and I lived with my aunt and uncle for a summer while I worked at a camp in their area - but never completely on my own. I moved back "home" (to the house my family moved to while I was in college, not the house I grew up in) after graduation, and because of various circumstances, never moved back out.

 

I have held a full time job (private school teacher) for the past six years, but it does not pay very well. My school is also quite some distance from the area I live, and it is located in an expensive area to rent, so that it is not feasible for me to continue to work there and rent a place without a roommate. While I have work friends, I don't know anyone who lives near the school that is single and wants a roommate (most of the other teachers are married, and the few other single female teachers are also living with their parents). I have student loans and a car payment (I also lent money to my older brother so he and his wife could put a down payment on a house after they learned they were expecting their first child), so saving money is really important to me. I want to get these debts cleared in the next few years (and have made significant progress towards doing so).

 

I pay my parents rent for my basement apartment. It is significantly less than I would have to pay to live somewhere else in my area (although in fairness, they couldn't exactly rent out my rooms to a stranger, either, since I have to go upstairs to shower, cook, etc.), but more than covers what it costs them to have me live here. I pay my own phone bill, cable, insurance, etc. I buy a lot of my own food, but we share staples by common agreement. Overall, there are definitely some trials and tensions of living in my parents' home, but the arrangement has worked well for all of us. I feel like I have gotten much closer to my younger siblings than I would have been if I had l moved away after college.

 

However, my friends have expressed to me on more than one occasion that I will never really be "independent" until I live on my own, and my mom (who loves having me live here) has also said the same thing. They say there are "life skills" I won't learn and basically imply that I am not a full adult until then. Sometimes, I also feel dissatisfied or frustrated with how my life has turned out thus far, and I think my teenage self would be disappointed in me. However, most days I love my job (there are many intangibles that would be very hard to replace if I switched schools), love my family, and am content with the choices I have made, even if they aren't everything I dreamed I would have.

 

My question is: Is living on your own truly a necessary step to being a "real" adult? Is it important enough that I should make financial sacrifices or change jobs in order to make it viable? At what point does living at home stop being a smart financial move and start just being really sad?

[luminousone]

Well yes, I think so. But it does sound like you have a mostly independent situation there.

 

What are your life goals? And how do you plan to get there? If you are living there just coasting along or just barely surviving financially, then there doesn't seem to be an end in sight.

 

So maybe you need to make some goals. And that might mean finding a better job. Does your job at the private school provide insurance and benefits (like a retirement plan, etc)? If not, then you might consider working at a public school, or even change professions.

 

Once you get a better paying job, then you can begin to save up money and then get your own place.

[itsallgrand]

I think there are some aspects a person just does not know until they live on their own , most importantly, learning to live with only your own resources to depend on. If someone moves out but still is thinking of parents/anyone as an extension of what they have to draw on , it doesn't make much difference. It's the learning to make decisions with yourself as the safety net - no one else.

So if you don't make much money, oh well, you have to figure out what is priority and what is luxury and sometimes be resourceful .

There is no 'well I'd rather not spend my money on what rent costs where I want to live'- you make changes or you have to live somewhere else.

 

From your writing, it does sound like you still consider help from your folks / others on the regular as something that is for granted .. you factor in that safety net as though it is yours you earned..

[Cope]

I am a firm believer that moving out builds character. I even warn my friends of considering moving in with people who haven't lived on their own.

 

That said, in our economy it's so freaking hard to live alone! Also, you are mostly independent from what it sounds and you do have to pay off all the debt. Since your parents can still provide the room for you and everything else, I say stay there till you get most of it paid off or find a better job etc. Leaving just to end up going from paycheck to paycheck nearly starving isn't a good idea. If you can find like 5 roommates or something that you can pull off, go for it!

[Snny]

I have been there and done that as a former private school teacher in an expensive city, and feel your pain. No benefits, $30,000 annual salary when apartments were near $2k a month, and I was the only certified teacher while everyone else never completed their teaching degrees (PARENTS, SERIOUSLY CHECK FOR THAT BEFORE ENROLLING YOUR KID FOR PRIVATE SCHOOL EDUCATION). I ended up leaving in mid-year for a public school job because the pay was not self-sufficient. I was making more as a long-term substitute in a public school than I was as a full-time private school teacher (and I got hired the next school year where I made near $50K).

 

This is the time to search for another school system that will increase your pay and give you better benefits. July is when school systems start hiring new teachers. If you are at your private school job to build experience, that's one thing... but most teachers don't stay working for private schools because the income is not feasible (unless you got a rich spouse on the side). That will help you obtain the expenses of moving out. If possible, you may have to pick up a second job temporarily until something big comes your way. I was waiting tables and grading papers just to make ends meet.

 

Agree with other posters.

[BlueEternity]

What are your life goals? And how do you plan to get there? If you are living there just coasting along or just barely surviving financially, then there doesn't seem to be an end in sight.

 

So maybe you need to make some goals. And that might mean finding a better job. Does your job at the private school provide insurance and benefits (like a retirement plan, etc)? If not, then you might consider working at a public school, or even change professions.

 

Once you get a better paying job, then you can begin to save up money and then get your own place.

 

To be honest, when I was younger, I pretty much assumed I would be married and raising a family by now. That hasn't happened so far (I'm in a relationship, but we're not anywhere close to talking marriage), which is fine with me. I don't think I need to be married or have kids in order to have a fulfilling life, but I'm not really sure what my "endgame" looks like. I want to live relatively comfortably, but money/material possessions are not very important to me. I wouldn't consider changing professions. I am a teacher, at my heart and soul, and no other kind of job is going to be fulfilling in the same way. I really love my school and I have been there since I got my degree, so I have a lot of seniority privileges that few teachers my age have, and because it is a small private school, I have a lot of flexibility in what and how I teach. I have several friends who teach in the local public schools and the thought of having to deal with all of the bureaucracy that they put up with and the constantly changing standards and expectations makes me squirm.

 

From your writing, it does sound like you still consider help from your folks / others on the regular as something that is for granted .. you factor in that safety net as though it is yours you earned.

 

To an extent. I mean, no matter where I lived, if something bad happened, I would expect that my family would be there for me (and I would also be there for them, as I have in the past.) It's true that when I get in a car accident or something, my first call is to my mom, and my parents do help me navigate big or complex financial decisions etc., but I know my older brother who is lives across the country (and is married with a child) also gets advice/discusses arrangements with my parents, so I don't know if moving out would actually change that. Which maybe is your point.

[LaHermes]

"....my parents do help me navigate big or complex financial decisions etc.,"

 

You are 28 OP and I should think you ought to be able by now to handle all business on your own.

 

I can see the financial angle, and the fact that you can save money with your present arrangement. That is not really the problem though. It's this dependence on your parents, and yes, you will become independent living on your own, but referring to your last sentence, moving out will make no difference if you depend on your parents for all advice, opinions and assessment.

[oscuro]

Living on your own tends to force new experiences upon you. These new experiences are not always enjoyable. They're not supposed to be but they will teach you how to better solve problems that you otherwise would not have been aware of. Then as you get older and mature you can reflect on these past experiences in order to recall how to solve or handle them.

 

Limiting your experience will limit your ability to deal with challenges that come with them IF they ever come your way.

[innergrowth]

Although I do agree with most posers here that moving out would make you more mature and offers you a new perspective on yourself and your life, I think that moving out from a decent place(considering your financial situation) just because you want to be a "real" adult is not very mature thing to do. Taking in account your financial situation and making your decision (to stay or leave) based on financial situation rather than emotional/social factor is also something I, in my book, would consider as mature and responsible.

 

My advice for you would be to take your time and plan out your future, I am sure you don't want to end up living there till you are old so at some point you need to change something about your financial situation so you would be able to afford a place of your own.