I regret leaving my fiancé as I still love him

[Echo26]

This is a long story I do apologise but I do appreciate any advice please. I left my fiancé two months ago, we were due to get married but I left him 3 and a half weeks before the wedding.

 

I am now regretting my decision despite my friends and family who say I've done the right thing.

 

We were together 3 years, engaged 17 months in, our relationship was amazing, I have never fallen for someone so hard and had such a connection with someone before. He had a bit of a drink problem when I met him but it worsened, as well as he became heavily dependent on cannabis on a daily basis. A lot of weekends he would be passed out early (like 6pm some evenings) would fall asleep on trains, in restaurant toilets and wouldn't go a day without having a drink. He is in complete denial about his addiction. I tried to help, but was met with aggression, was told he would only stop drinking if I lost weight etc.

 

I suffer from mental health problems and have been honest about that from the start, he was supportive at first but then began to increasingly lose patience with me (I can behave quite erratically and have severe anxiety) he would often shout at me or roll his eyes if I was anxious and he mocked me for self harming. I understand it can be hard living with someone like me, but all I wanted was a little understanding and compassion.

 

During the last 6 months of our relationship he became increasingly emotionally abusive, criticising me and finding fault in everything I do, belittling me and sleeping in a separate bed as me because I was "too restless".

 

I moved to a city an hour away to move in with him, I don't drive and I struggled in my new job, he wouldn't entertain the idea of moving to my hometown, despite him also having friends there too. I felt very isolated when I was with him.

 

He threw me across the room me a few times and has also tried to hit me before and didn't apologise, then later that week my grandmother passed away and he didn't comfort me, he rowed with me the next evening and ordered me to go stay with my parents (something he suggested when ever my mental illness played up) I came back to discover he had trashed the flat as well as smashed our TV set. Again, it was me who apologised for making him angry (I tried to give him a breath mint which caused the row)

 

I had serious doubts about marrying him but was prepared to go through with it as the wedding was planned and paid for by our parents. (I planned the entire wedding by myself as well, he didn't help) I spoke to his mother about his drinking which only angered him further.

 

The day after my Bacholerette Party, I was staying with my girlfriend and he called me and told me not to come home for a week because "it was no good me being sat at home being depressed" and "I needed to treat him with more respect" I had no spare clothes, as I had only packed for one night, and I didn't have all my medication with me.

 

My girlfriends asked me why I was crying, I told them what he said, they said they suspected I was in an abusive relationship. They took me to see a domestic violence charity who told me to leave for my own safety and mental wellbeing. I got another girlfriend to take me to our apartment and get my things, I left a letter explaining why I was leaving.

 

He hasn't spoken to me since, or even asked how I am, he has only messaged me to ask for money or to threaten to take me to court. I contacted both of our parents, my parents aren't upset about the wedding money, his parents however are and refuse to speak to me. (I told them about the abuse but they don't believe me)

 

I feel guilty about this. Should I pay his parents back?

 

I feel stronger on my own but despite how he has treated me I still love him and miss him as I know he isn't well, I do think he has underlying mental health issues himself. I wake up every day and wonder whether I should have spoken to him rather than just leave him, but during our relationship he was unable to see my point of view . He has since denied the abuse and told mutual friends I am crazy and I'm trying to ruin his life.

 

I know I have hurt and embarrassed him but I couldn't take the mental abuse, but I need closure. Should I try speaking to him, or should I leave it?

 

I can't help but think, did he treat me like that because he didn't want to marry me so I would leave? He is nearly 40 and I am in my mid-twenties. Any thoughts welcome.

[hopeparis]

Please, LISTEN. NOTHING justifies any type of emotional or physical abuse. NOTHING. This person is dangerous. Please don't go back.

What do you love about him? Read your post - you mentioned nothing positive about him, whatsoever. To me he sounds like a narcissist.

Nothing you would have done would have changed him / his actions. NOTHING. Please don't blame yourself and see him for who he really is. I know your love was probably true, but you did the right thing. This is your brain clinging to attachment. Protect yourself at all costs. You just dodged a huge bullet. He will never change, and it would only have become worse if you stayed. This person doesn't love you.

[Echo26]

I know you are right, I'm just finding it hard to let go. My mental health worsened when I was with him, I wouldn't make an effort with my appearance and was argumentative at times.

 

He was generous, very handsome (to me a lot of friends have said I was always out of his league) funny, quirky and special. But I guess that doesn't outweigh his abuse. I just wish he would say he is sorry

[WombatShadow]

It definitely doesn't outweigh his abuse, and if you're waiting around for an apology from him you'll be sitting still for a while. Abusers rarely recognize their own behavior as abuse, and so your ex would see no reason for him to apologize.

 

Get thee into therapy, block him anywhere and everywhere (this goes for his family as well) and cut all ties with him. You'll come through this and find someone who actually loves you, not just someone who claims to.

[Wolfshook]

" I feel stronger on my own but despite how he has treated me I still love him and miss him as I know he isn't well, I do think he has underlying mental health issues himself. I wake up every day and wonder whether I should have spoken to him rather than just leave him, but during our relationship he was unable to see my point of view ."

 

His mental health is not excuse for you to put up with being abused. When person is dangerous for people around him, you have to remove him from other people no matter why he's dangerous.

 

Dont look for closure, it will come with time. And don't feel guilty about his parents paying, it's his fault and if somebody should return money it should be him.

 

Stay far away from this abuser and no matter what he does dont fall into trap discussing anything with him or even worse meeting with him.

[Kazuya]

Reading that alone really send chills to my spine.... this is worse than cheating for other girls as relationship like this will only erode your self worth and make you believe you only worth that less.....