What to think or do?

[ShortGirl]

So I've posted once in here about a different issue that I was desperately in need of advice on. But I couldn't or didn't feel right about going to friends because of the delicate nature of the topic. I didn't want to cloud people's judgement or opinions of my boyfriend if there was no need to.

 

So some detailed back story (sorry this is going to be a long post, but I think it will be nice to get it off my chest) my boyfriend and I have a considerable age difference in our relationship. He's older than I. It generally doesn't cause any issues between us, it can be awkward when people confuse us for father and daughter in public (my face also looks several years younger than I actually am) I was actually the one who initiated the relationship because I really enjoyed his company and personality. We were together for about a year before we moved in together and have been together 2 years. He has had 2 serious relationships in the past, marriage and divorce for both. They weren't the right fit, things were good in the beginning and then just went downhill after a while. From what I've heard both women were not a good fit for him. He struggles with some self confidence and trust stuff as would anyone if you were cheated on, etc. but he's still a very kind, gentle person who generally wants to help people and has always tried his best to make me happy and all that good mushy stuff.

 

I am a very independent, stubborn, blunt and to the point person. I guess I can be sassy and bossy to as I've been told. I'm very sensitive to the feeling that people are trying to hold me back, control me, or tell me what to do in any way. I completely shut down and go into defensive mode. It's a flaw that I'm attempting to work on, but it comes with being short and constantly feeling like people don't think you can "do it" by yourself. I just like doing what I have my mind set on and unless someone has a good reason not to, I will probably do it. But I never intend to hurt others.

 

Because of our age gap I think he sees relationships in a different way. He seems to think that because we have moved in and are in a I guess long term relationship at the moment that I should consult with him on decisions or plans before I make or agree to them. I always thought that there were some things you consult about but if the plans just include me then I don't need to ask, just share my plans so he knows what I'm up to. I wouldn't go off and leave him in the dark, but I also don't think I need to ask before I do something....like go on a girls trip.

 

Long story short there have been times where I've made plans with my friends ( girls night out, etc.) the things where he's invited I always ask him if he wants to go, and I try to give as much notice as possible so he can plan. There are some things that if he can't go (work or some other commitment) he thinks I shouldn't go either even if he will be busy and I'll be on my own alone. Basically I feel as though his past issues with his previous relationships are having and effect on his trust in me or other people I'm with. I refuse to ask permission to go out and enjoy myself with friends (I would NEVER cheat on him) but he still sulks and gets upset if I don't "invite" him or go without him.

 

I feel as a grown man this behavior is not that appropriate...but I don't know if it's just my sensitivity to feeling held back or not. What do you guys think?

[Andrina]

You need some time apart from a partner, spent with friends or hobbies, as long as it stays within a healthy balance of time. You need to tell him this and that you will continue to have friends time. Tell him that hauling around stinky baggage is having a negative affect on the relationship, and that he needs to stop pouting and to act like an emotionally healthy man. If he doesn't, it's up to you to decide if the good outweighs the bad and live with it or seek counseling.

[theprettymess]

Hi ShortGirl, What is the age gap? I think that after two years of dating he should be able to trust you to go out with others. You do not need his permission to go anywhere and giving him notice and letting him know your plans is enough. Push back and let him know that this is the way you operate and if he doesn't like it then he needs to get therapy to deal with his insecurities. I bet if the tables were turned and he was going on a weekend with the boys or going out for a boys night out you would be fine with it.

[ShortGirl]

Exactly to both of you. We definitely enjoy eachothers company, but I also enjoy doing my own thing once in a while so it's annoying to feel like it's not as easy as it should to do that. I've tried to tell him in a nice way that everything will be ok if I go out with my friends and he doesn't come. We will see how he handles the next time I need to do that and I can either have another conversation or he's gotten the message. I always try to encourage him to go out with his friends if they invite him somewhere without me. I want him to know I at least trust him.

[Dahl]

Also curious about the age gap. Can you please elaborate on what you mean by his sulking a/o getting upset?

 

Agree with you and Andrina. Your approach is not only healthy and necessary for your well-being and happiness but for the relationship's, to boot. You're doing the right thing for both of you, whether he's able to appreciate it or not.

[ShortGirl]

So the age gap is pretty big, he's 48 and I'm 22. It seems like it couldn't possibly work but so far other than a few very minor bumps it has been going just fine.

I'm hoping this current issue is easily fixed.

 

So when something bothers him, rather than saying it outright he kind of will say subtle things, or hold things in until it all comes out in one big giant Mumbo jumbo of things. In my opinion they are not really reasonable things that bother him. For example...

A friend of mine's boyfriend hosts this show a few times a month, usually my friend and I will invite a few of our friends and all take a lyft to the show together and then go out to get dinner or a drink afterward. Usually he goes along, but sometimes he has work early in the morning and it isn't ideal for him to be out late during the week. Sometimes he decides to go, but I most always go as long as my friend goes to show support, and I think it's fun! There was one show I forgot about and scheduled myself to have work the night of the show, and I made a comment saying I was kind of disappointed that I couldn't go. He was then like "do you really have to go to all of those shows? Why can't you just stay home and do things with me every once in a while?" (We live together and have dinner together almost every night. We also do a lot of other things together, and the shows are like 2x a month) basically for some reason he didn't want me to go to the shows without him because he was worried about other people flirting with me, or maybe it was because he didn't like that I was doing something without him. By the time I managed to drag that out of him I was already pretty angry/annoyed. And I couldn't find a way to convince him that everything would be ok.

[Andrina]

The human brain isn't fully formed until about age 25. Have you thought about longterm things like when he retires and you're still working? My mother-in-law married someone 18 years younger. He still works and she's bored at home because she now uses a walker and can't drive anymore. People in their eighties usually spend a lot of time at the doctor with all of their aging problems. Some can't drive anymore. You'll still be active in your sixties, and he might be a lot less active, and you may have to be his driver. I already have to do some things like this for my parents. I certainly wouldn't want a husband the same age as them to add upon those duties.

 

Many men also start having erectile dysfunction problems as they get older, and Viagra doesn't work for everyone. And the older he gets, forming wrinkles when you don't have any, the more his confidence will wane even further. Just some things to think about when looking at the bigger picture, because huge age gaps usually present a myriad of problems in relationships, so I don't know why you'd choose such a difficult road.

[ShortGirl]

The human brain isn't fully formed until about age 25. Have you thought about longterm things like when he retires and you're still working? My mother-in-law married someone 18 years younger. He still works and she's bored at home because she now uses a walker and can't drive anymore. People in their eighties usually spend a lot of time at the doctor with all of their aging problems. Some can't drive anymore. You'll still be active in your sixties, and he might be a lot less active, and you may have to be his driver. I already have to do some things like this for my parents. I certainly wouldn't want a husband the same age as them to add upon those duties.

 

Many men also start having erectile dysfunction problems as they get older, and Viagra doesn't work for everyone. And the older he gets, forming wrinkles when you don't have any, the more his confidence will wane even further. Just some things to think about when looking at the bigger picture, because huge age gaps usually present a myriad of problems in relationships, so I don't know why you'd choose such a difficult road.

 

 

I think it's completely my choice whether or not I'd want to be with someone who's quite a few years older than me. I'm like 99% sure we won't be together forever. But for now if things are ok then why bring up all of the aging stuff? I'm aware that I'm still growning as a person in my early 20's and than as someone in his late 40's we are at completely different stages in life both mentally and physically. But at this point in time I am mostly happy with my relationship other than a few things (like mentioned in my first post to this thread) I'm trying to figure out if this relationship is something I can have and want to have for a while longer, or if things will continually get worse or more annoying for me and him. I'm pretty picky and am used to cutting things off when they go in ways I don't like, but I feel after all he has given me and all the time we have spent together I need to do a lot of "figuring out" before I make such decisions.

[mustlovedogs]

Why be in a relationship if you're so sure it won't last?

[ShortGirl]

Why be in a relationship if you're so sure it won't last?

 

Well because of the reasons listed in another comment. And because I am not looking to settle down and get married or have children. I really do love and care about the guy, but I just can't really see myself with him forever, but it is ok right now.

[mustlovedogs]

I think it's mean to stay with him if you don't want to be together long term.

[ShortGirl]

I think it's mean to stay with him if you don't want to be together long term.

 

I don't want our relationship to end tomorrow. It's not that I don't want it to last, it's that I'm pretty sure it won't. We will eventually grow apart or our differences caused by our age gap will make being in a relationship not a good choice anymore. But at the moment, other than a few road bumps we are a happy couple. I mostly just wanted help figuring out how to help him overcome this weird trust issue thing he's having. Or whatever you would call it.

[Jibralta]

Because of our age gap I think he sees relationships in a different way. He seems to think that because we have moved in and are in a I guess long term relationship at the moment that I should consult with him on decisions or plans before I make or agree to them. I always thought that there were some things you consult about but if the plans just include me then I don't need to ask, just share my plans so he knows what I'm up to. I wouldn't go off and leave him in the dark, but I also don't think I need to ask before I do something....like go on a girls trip.

 

Long story short there have been times where I've made plans with my friends ( girls night out, etc.) the things where he's invited I always ask him if he wants to go, and I try to give as much notice as possible so he can plan. There are some things that if he can't go (work or some other commitment) he thinks I shouldn't go either even if he will be busy and I'll be on my own alone. Basically I feel as though his past issues with his previous relationships are having and effect on his trust in me or other people I'm with. I refuse to ask permission to go out and enjoy myself with friends (I would NEVER cheat on him) but he still sulks and gets upset if I don't "invite" him or go without him.

 

I feel as a grown man this behavior is not that appropriate...but I don't know if it's just my sensitivity to feeling held back or not. What do you guys think?

 

I don't know what the motivation is, or if it's inappropriate or not. But I do think it could be an age-gap thing.

 

I know that as I got older, my interest in going out sharply decreased. In my late teens and throughout my early twenties, I used to go out every night. I needed to. Now I want to stay in every night. In the last two years, I've had maybe two girls' nights. More than that is a chore. I'd rather hang out with my boyfriend.

 

I'm not saying that you go out too much. But since you are much younger, chances are that you have more energy and need to go out more than your boyfriend does. So, maybe to him it feels like you're going out a lot and he feels left out.

[ShortGirl]

I don't know what the motivation is, or if it's inappropriate or not. But I do think it could be an age-gap thing.

 

I know that as I got older, my interest in going out sharply decreased. In my late teens and throughout my early twenties, I used to go out every night. I needed to. Now I want to stay in every night. In the last two years, I've had maybe two girls' nights. More than that is a chore. I'd rather hang out with my boyfriend.

 

I'm not saying that you go out too much. But since you are much younger, chances are that you have more energy and need to go out more than your boyfriend does. So, maybe to him it feels like you're going out a lot and he feels left out.

Thanks kinda along the lines that I was thinking too. He does definitely prefer to stay in. But I also would rather stay at home with the dogs and him to watch a movie or something relaxing that doesn't involve talking to other people. But then at the same time it a friend invites me out I usually want to go or do go. It's hardly ever to a bar or anything like that though. It's usually like walking downtown to grad some dinner with our dogs, and he's usually invited unless it's girls time. I think this might be stemming from his ex who cheated on him.