Almost got played

[solong123]

Hey everyone,

I posted a thread about a week ago talking about a guy who I was iffy about continuing to talk to and hang with because he had a reputation as a player. Low and behold, turns out it was all right. I am so thankful I listened to my gut and didnt do anything stupid. Regardless though I do feel stupid for giving him the time of day when I had doubts. This is part of what makes dating so hard for me. How can I use this experience to help me in the future? Im not sure what kind of answers Im looking for as I am relieved but also very bummed that it turned out to be right...especially when I havent put myself out there like that in awhile.

[j.man]

Are you a video game? How do you almost "get played?" Fun and healthy dating boils down to simple interpersonal common sense. Don't invest yourself beyond what's called for. Assert your boundaries. Don't do drama. And spare yourself the "haven't put myself out there in awhile" pity party. It's not a license to forego any of what I've put in bold.

[solong123]

Well I appreciate the bluntness

[ThatwasThen]

The tell-tale signs are always there. Just don't ignore them out of lonliness or some mis-placed thoughts of "great chemistry" and you'll do just fine. Don't look at this most current dating adventure as a disappointment but rather a validation that your gut is always right. Pay attention to actions and don't fall for someone based on words.

[katrina1980]

Are you a video game? How do you almost "get played?" Fun and healthy dating boils down to simple interpersonal common sense. Don't invest yourself beyond what's called for. Assert your boundaries. Don't do drama. And spare yourself the "haven't put myself out there in awhile" pity party. It's not a license to forego any of what I've put in bold.

 

j.man I have a lot of respect for you so genuinely curious about your suggestion to 'assert boundaries' when dating (early stages).

 

I have always believed these early stages are a sort of 'observation period', for both people, to determine if they are right for each other long term.

 

OP stated in earlier thread this guy asked her out but flaked (never followed through), and the next time he wanted to see her it was very late, which suggested a booty call.

 

So how would a woman go about asserting boundaries in a situation like that, other than to just dump him?

 

I would. I would never tolerate that from a man *I just started dating*. Too many other guys out there, for me to have to settle for that, not to mention his behavior was just disrespectful.

 

To me, asserting boundaries, compromise is for when you have dated awhile, both evaluated each other, and determined it feels "right", and there is potential there for a healthy mutually-rewarding long term relationship.

 

Is this wrong? How do you see it? Again, I have a high regard for you so genuinely curious.

 

Also open to learning new ways of relating and interacting with men I am dating.

 

I don't particularly like dumping these guys, but like I said I don't tolerate bs or disrespect.

 

So feel there is no other alternative. Plus I find that type of behavior from a man a turn off.

 

Would appreciate your and anyone else's thoughts on this.

[ThatwasThen]

Again, sorry for answering something that was addressed to J.man but "assert your boundaries" must apply whether you've date for a week, a month or a year. If he stood her up on date one then if she has good personal boundaries in place, she would never give him another chance to disrespect her in that way again.

[katrina1980]

Again, sorry for answering something that was addressed to J.man but "assert your boundaries" must apply whether you've date for a week, a month or a year. If he stood her up on date one then if she has good personal boundaries in place, she would never give him another chance to disrespect her in that way again.

 

No worries I asked for anyone else's opinion too.

 

I agree TwT, but when you say assert boundaries by never allowing him to disrespect her ever again, do you mean by dumping him?

 

Which again, is what I would do. And have done! More times than I can count.

 

And from what I understand, is what the OP did too!

 

But j.man suggested something else, or at least that is what it sounded like.

 

I could be wrong, which is why I asked him to clarify.

[ThatwasThen]

No worries I asked for anyone else's opinion too.

 

I agree TwT, but when you say assert boundaries by never allowing him to disrespect her ever again, do you by dumping him?

Well they weren't actually a couple so it would mean (in this case) that she doesn't bother with going forth in any way with him. When someone flakes on you, (the general you) you should have enough self-respect to look for better for yourself.

 

Which again, is what I would do. And have done! More times than I can count.

 

And from what I understand, is what the OP did too!

 

But j.man suggested something else, or at least that is what it sounded like.

 

I could be wrong, which is why I asked him to clarify.

I read it as his meaning that personal boundaries should be in place and that if she doesn't let anyone cross them then she won't find herself being disappointed because she'll not allow herself to invest in someone that would disrespect her in any way.

 

Should be interesting to see if I misinterpreted what he meant.

 

Cheers!

[katrina1980]

Well they weren't actually a couple so it would mean (in this case) that she doesn't bother with going forth in any way with him. When someone flakes on you, (the general you) you should have enough self-respect to look for better for yourself.

 

I read it as his meaning that personal boundaries should be in place and that if she doesn't let anyone cross them then she won't find herself being disappointed because she'll not allow herself to invest in someone that would disrespect her in any way.

 

Should be interesting to see if I misinterpreted what he meant.

 

Cheers!

 

Ok I get it. It's not technically "dumping" because it's so early on, before they became a couple.

 

She (or I or any woman or man if roles are reversed) simply decides to not date him again/move forward.

 

We agree!!

 

Yeah, I am so curious to see if how you interpret is what j.man meant too.

 

I think I am finally getting it through my thick skull, lol, that men and women think and feel very differently from each other as it pertains to dating and relationships!

[ThatwasThen]

that men and women think and feel very differently from each other as it pertains to dating and relationships!

Oh, I dunno. I'm thinking we genders think pretty much the same way. Players however think differently from those of us that want a nice existence with someone that loves and respects us and is happy with just one another.

[katrina1980]

Oh, I dunno. I'm thinking we genders think pretty much the same way. Players however think differently from those of us that want a nice existence with someone that loves and respects us and is happy with just one another.

 

"Players" meaning men who are into "gaming" women to get what they want? Lots of them out there.

 

Yeah I think you may be right that "they" think and feel differently from those of us who want a loving healthy long term relationship with one person.

 

This may warrant a different thread, but wondering if men like this are actually able to change to more healthy honest ways of relating. Assuming they want to.

 

I would imagine after years of gaming, it might be a difficult transition, but who knows.

 

Different thread.

[j.man]

j.man I have a lot of respect for you so genuinely curious about your suggestion to 'assert boundaries' when dating (early stages).

 

I have always believed these early stages are a sort of 'observation period', for both people, to determine if they are right for each other long term.

 

OP stated in earlier thread this guy asked her out but flaked (never followed through), and the next time he wanted to see her it was very late, which suggested a booty call.

 

So how would a woman go about asserting boundaries in a situation like that, other than to just dump him?

 

I would. I would never tolerate that from a man *I just started dating*. Too many other guys out there, for me to have to settle for that, not to mention his behavior was just disrespectful.

 

To me, asserting boundaries, compromise is for when you have dated awhile, both evaluated each other, and determined it feels "right", and there is potential there for a healthy mutually-rewarding long term relationship.

 

Is this wrong? How do you see it? Again, I have a high regard for you so genuinely curious.

 

Also open to learning new ways of relating and interacting with men I am dating.

 

I don't particularly like dumping these guys, but like I said I don't tolerate bs or disrespect.

 

So feel there is no other alternative. Plus I find that type of behavior from a man a turn off.

 

Would appreciate your and anyone else's thoughts on this. "assert" works, maybe "stick to" your boundaries would be a more effective way to put it.

 

My Spidey Sense always goes off when I hear a woman talking about being played or lamenting players or something along those lines. Often, these women end up preoccupying themselves with the man's mentality, words, and intentions. It's frankly a miserable way to date. The bottom line is that you (not you specifically, Katarina) know what you want. You know what you don't want. You know what you're comfortable with physically and emotionally. Those are the boundaries you assert.

 

Now you, Katarina, seem to have the good intuition not to bother with the guy under such circumstances. And, as TWT put it, that's probably the best and easiest way to go asserting such boundaries. No one's obligated to play those kinds of odds. You're simply respecting your own time. But say you've got nothing going on that night, the dude's super hot, and you have an "oh, why not?" moment and decide to give him a shot anyway. You know you don't want to hook up, so you simply act accordingly. And when I say "simply," I mean just that. Don't go home with him. Don't have sex. If he wants to waste $8 on your beer and 45 minutes of his time on a dead end, that's on him.

 

So my reference wasn't so much to critique her having not obliged him (though it's a bit ambiguous as to what exactly ended up confirming her suspicions), but to her concern for having to Matrix duck this guy's intentions and her concern for future guys potentially playing her. Barring force, it's incredibly easy not to get "played." You'd be a very, very unlucky woman to come across the one-in-a-million man who genuinely has the malice and intelligence to steer a woman who'd otherwise be unwilling into bed. There are enough sexually active and looking women out there (and nothing but love to 'em) to where a guy simply looking to hookup doesn't need to perform psychological gymnastics and risk the drama just to get you under the sheets. 9.99 times out of 10, simply keeping sex off the table will do the trick.

 

Again, while TWT's interpretation is by far the most favorable if for no other reason than you get to stay in your jamjams rather than waste your time, the only reason I elaborate further is so the OP or others don't think that's by any means a last or only line of defense. You could very easily land a date with a guy who is extremely punctual and responsive, planning a full week ahead for a 5:00pm dinner date rather than 9:00pm drink, but who still is only looking for tail. It's still as simple as not having sex if you don't want it. It's all about having figured out what you want and sticking to just that.

 

At the end of the day, we can only know for sure our own desire and intentions. And those alone are enough to protect you from getting "played" on their own. Particularly initially, you don't need to sacrifice the fun of dating by letting attribution bias and pessimism lead the way. Your actions or lackthereof will suffice.

 

That's a bit of a ramble and I've got my good buddy Jameson feeding me the thoughts to type out, so hopefully any portion of this is at least a little bit comprehensible.

[LaHermes]

Aaaahhh JMan. Try Bushmills "Black Bush" and the clarity of thought will be awesome. LOL.

[ThatwasThen]

Women always give players the time of day and there's no guarantee he won't reel you back in.

 

Its the multiple orgasms... Like a drug, those.