Break up. Hurting terribly. Please give advice!

[Userwhat01]

My bf, of one year, dumped me a week ago. The reason being is we had been fighting alot and there were trust issues from past relationships. I've since started going to therapy and am working on my issues. He seems to be going downhill, actually.

 

Anyway, the drama became too much and he ended it last Saturday. He said that his feelings had changed because of all the fighting but that he still loved me. He cried and said that he wished it hadn't of come to this point. I cried, begged and pleaded, but had no choice but to go as he said he was over it. 5 days go by of no contact but I caved and texted him after we passed, and saw, each other on the road on Thursday. We exchanged a few texts and I asked him outright if he was happier now and if he thought we'd get to try again. He replied that he is happier now but only because he doesn't have to convince someone he's telling the truth anymore. He said he loves me but doesn't know if we'll get back together or not, that he's working on himself right now and seeing where that goes.

 

We talked on the phone Thursday night, for an hour and a half, and he said he loves me, and thinks of me all the time. He said that he wants to get back together but he's afraid we would just repeat the same cycle. Anyway, he told me he loved me before hanging up. I thought that was the start of a reconciliation. He also told me that he'd only told a couple of people that we'd broken up and that he hadn't changed his relationship status on Facebook yet. I told him I hadn't changed mine either. I blocked him right after the break up. He mentioned on the phone to me about the sex we always had and I told him he could get that anywhere and he replied "yeah, that's true, but they're not Jenny".

 

I woke up yesterday morning, texted him and he replied, very short as if he didn't want to talk to me. He told me that he was hurt still by everything that happened and that he was just trying to get over it. He said just because he'd like to get back together doesn't mean he will and that he loves me though.

 

I called him later to see if he wanted to get together while I was in the area and he said that he thought it was too early. He then made a comment about what else could we possibly say to hurt each other still. He is right, though. There's bitterness and frustration in the air, so if we got together we'd probably end up fighting. He said that I pushed him away to the point he's just over it and doesn't really feel anything good right now. He said that he has feelings for me but isn't totally sure they're romantic feelings, but thinks they are and that they could be rekindled. He said that half of him wants to get back together but the other half isn't for sure that's what he wants right now and that he is seriously fighting with his own mind over it. He said that he is taking a break. That was pretty much the conversation. We hung up and I've left him alone since. That was 11 hours ago.

 

I'm hurting so bad and I know that begging and pleading isn't what I should be doing but I love the guy. I don't want to just give up but I'm feeling hopeless. Does it seem like it's over or that he's just needing some space? Like I said earlier, I've started working on my issues but he doesn't seem to be. He's started smoking cigarettes again, and going to the bar (to shoot pool) almost every night and hanging out with people he wasn't even that fond of. These were things he'd stopped doing but it's as if he's going in reverse.

 

What should I do?

[MissCanuck]

I am sorry you're hurt, OP.

 

The best thing to do is start treating this as a true break-up. No more phone calls, no invites to get together. He is not interested in that right now and trying to make that happen will push him in the opposite direction.

 

It's hard to say whether he'll come back. Sometimes dumpers say there might still be a vague chance in the future because they see that the dumpee is in a lot pain and they're trying to be gentle. I have the impression that's what is happening here. Him saying he doesn't feel anything good about the relationship right now is very telling. When a relationship disintegrates to that point, especially after only a year, it's hard to come back from.

 

The reason it seems he's not working on himself is because, well, he doesn't see any need to. Apparently he does find pleasure in going out to shoot pool or have a few drinks, but I wonder if he gave that up just to appease you. He is just out enjoying himself and the freedom of not having to explain where he is or what he's doing; I've been in his shoes, and it's very draining. When it's over, you do feel a sense of relief. That's where he is right now. He doesn't want to hurt you and he cares about you, but it sounds as though he was very fed up and just not in love anymore.

 

Give him plenty of space. He knows how you feel and how to find you if he wants to reconnect. Show him that you can respect his decision and truly do the legwork required to address your trust issues. If you two were to reconcile, it would probably happen after ample time apart when he feels less resentment and you feel more secure in yourself.

[Miastar]

I know how you feel it's horribly painful. MissCanuck is right I think.

 

Space and focusing on yourself is important at the moment. Be kind to yourself. Do nice little things to make yourself feel a bit better.

[SherrySher]

Stop harassing him. You are not giving him any time at all to miss you or to appreciate you, you are being annoying and he's starting to resent you instead of miss you.

 

Stay away from him, no calls, no emails, no messages,no texts. If you've got any chance at all, you will leave him be so maybe he can actually miss you and start thinking of the good times you had together and not be annoyed more by you begging and getting him to answer more questions for you.

 

In the meantime, think about your own behaviour and why you felt so insecure with him and how you can change the things that broke you up in the first place.

[Userwhat01]

Thanks so much for the replies. I wanted to add that he voluntarily gave those things up when we were dating because he didn't feel that they were very Christian like things to be doing anymore. He said that he was moving his life into a positive direction so going to bars and smoking weren't good habits. I wasn't controlling, I never told him what to do or where to go. I often tried to get him to go shoot pool while we were together (because he's great) and he wouldn't go. So him starting back just seems strange to me. He wasn't on a leash at all.

 

Secondly, I can definitely tell at times that when we talk he seems aggravated. It is hard for us to speak right now because it averts back to the break up but it's really hard to let somebody go that you're in love with. There's been a few times we've spoken where he seems okay and that he's just confused.

 

Believe me, he has the balls to tell me like it is. He's never held back, so he wouldn't refrain from something in order to spare my feelings. He's brutally honest. I guess I just needed to vent and hear other people tell me to go NC. This is so hard.

[tigerkitten]

He's started smoking cigarettes again, and going to the bar (to shoot pool) almost every night and hanging out with people he wasn't even that fond of. These were things he'd stopped doing but it's as if he's going in reverse. What should I do?

 

You're trying to save him. SAVE YOURSELF FIRST. He smokes? Yuck. He's an adult (technically I presume?) - you cannot control whether he smokes/drinks etc. You feel powerless, hence your wish to "do" something. Best advice I received? Do nothing. Zip, zero, nothing. It's the HARDEST thing to do. But would you walk on a broken leg? Nope, you'd rest it. Same thing here. Let your heart and soul rest. Eat, sleep, cry. Do what you would as if hurting physically. That helps a bit, really.

 

When you broken leg (heart) has healed enough to take a couple of steps again you will. You'll will want to and you'll be ready. But until, back to bed, then the crutches etc.!

[Userwhat01]

OP here. It's Day 1 of no contact. The longest we've ever went without talking in the entire year of our relationship was 5 days. This is so hard. I'm hoping this post will help me maintain NC. I know he's needing space.

[SherrySher]

Yes, keep on with giving him space.

 

Do not annoy him, let him start to miss you, he cannot miss you if you keep bothering him. If he continue to contact him and annoy him you will lose him for good.

[Userwhat01]

OP here. I'm having a terrible time tonight. I was "okay" throughout the day but thoughts of him are flooding my brain. Oh God I love him.

[jitterbug]

I know the pain you're in, I'm going through a similar thing and it's agony.

 

Please give him space. It is the hardest thing to do, as you will be panicking and desperate to fix it. Obviously there is no guarantee that you'll get back together, but you aren't ready to let go of hope. That's ok. Hope can help you get by for a while. The fact he's confused and isn't sure if he wants it to be permanent is a good thing.

 

Give him space. It will allow him to reflect, miss you and it'll show you respect his needs. Maybe send him a brief text to clear the air. Apologise for begging and fighting, tell him you understand his wishes and you respect them. You care about him but you will allow him what he wants and you will focus on yourself for a while. And then leave it. Completely. Let him come to you. Truly focus on yourself, reflect on the problems and your part in them and try to better yourself. Then if he does want to reconcile one day, maybe it will work. You shouldn't solely hope for this, you should try to achieve some level of acceptance and attempt to move on with your life at least in some ways.

 

It really is unbearable. But I've learned you absolutely cannot force anything. You can't say or do anything to change a persons mind. They have to realise things on their own.

 

But give him time. Men need longer to process these things than women. Also, he needs time to let go of any resentment and to forget the negative feelings he has. Then the positive stuff may come back. Give it time and space.

[Userwhat01]

OP here. I'm on Day 2 of NC. I'm feeling miserable. I seriously feel like I could vomit. I had a dream about him this morning and I wish I could go back to bed and wake up tomorrow. I feel like a hollow shell. This dream has really messed me up this morning. Please help me so I don't break no contact.

[MissCanuck]

You're still very fresh off the break-up. It's normal that you feel awful and your best friend here will be time.

 

Feel your feelings. Writing them out can help. Cry into your pillow.

 

I'm sorry you're feeling so badly, OP. I know it's very hard.

[Userwhat01]

I bought a journal earlier to write everything down, but I'm more of a talker than a writer so we'll see.

 

Tomorrow, the 3rd, would've been our 1 year anniversary. I'm really struggling right now. I know he needs space and that that will be the ONLY thing that could possibly save it, but it's so hard when you can't talk to them and you constantly wonder what they're doing and if they're even thinking of you. I'm going to be a total mess tomorrow.

[Userwhat01]

OP here!! My ex just called me and asked me if I wanted to ride to town with him tomorrow to go look at a car he may be buying. He talked to me as if nothing was going on, but the phone call was short. He told me what time he was leaving and when I said I'd go and set my alarm, he asked me if I'd call him and make sure he's up. I told him yes. He told me what he was getting ready to do tonight and he also asked me about the 4th. The call lasted 8 minutes.

 

He told me he appreciated it and he'd see me in the morning. Positive or nothing?

[Userwhat01]

Okay, so an hour later he called me back and told me someone just beat him to the car so the trip was off. He talked to me a little bit about something that happened to him at the bar today. Then he tells me he decided to pop open a cold one himself. He used to be an alcoholic for 12 years, and became sober 5 years ago. He hasn't touched that stuff since. I asked him to promise he was drinking a beer and he wouldn't and then said "why would you want to know" and I told him why and he thanked me for saying I'd go with him tomorrow and decided to end the conversation. Right after we hung up he sent me a picture of a soda can. So he wasn't drinking, but why do that in the first place. Is he trying to see if I still care or what??