My Wife won't let me or my Kids see My Parents....advice please

[codyrhodes]

Hey every one. I need some advice. This is going to be a very lengthy story, but PLEASE bare with me, because I REALLY NEED some advice.

 

I am Married with Two Children of my own and Two Step Children. A few months ago, the house which we were renting was getting ready to be sold, leaving our Family with out a place to live. With such short notice and not many options, My Wife and I decided may be after 10 years of marriage, it is finally time to buy a house. My Parents gave me a very Large down payment, however my Wife’s credit is very poor and so is mine.

 

Fast forward, time came for us to move, there weren’t any rentals available in our area or near by which were affordable, so we thought we’d ask if we could stay with either of our parents for a little bit.

 

We figured it’d be a good idea if we moved into either of our Parents house for a few months to save some money, fix our credit and finally get our own house instead of paying some one else’s mortgage.

 

I suggested we’d move into My Parents house being as though my Parents have a big enough house to host my Family of 6, whereas My Wife wanted to move into her Mothers house which is not a problem until you consider that her Single Mother lives in a One Bed Room Apartment.

 

My Wife didn’t want to move into My Parents’ house because of past incidents between My Parents and My Step Children. Unfortunately My Father who is over 60 years old is very nervous and impulsive when it comes to Children and unfortunately My Father has unfairly reprimanded my Step Children in the past.

 

My Wife has this rule where no one is allowed to reprimand her Children unless its her or their Real Father, which I totally understand and respect. She also feels that my Parents haven’t formed enough of a bond in the past 10 years with my Children to be able to reprimand them, which of course I understand and respect and agree with as well.

 

Anyhow, I asked my Parents if we could move in with them for a few months and they thought it wouldn’t be a good idea because My Wife doesn’t like when My Parents reprimand My Step Children. My Wife and I also do not like when people consume alcohol around our Children for fear that it may encourage them to take up consuming alcohol now or in the future (alcoholism runs in my Wife’s Family. Her Mother, Her Sister and Her Brother all struggle with alcoholism)……and since my Parents drink…..responsibly I might add…..all weekend long…..My parents also thought it wouldn’t be a good idea if we lived there because they thought we might clash about their drinking habits.

 

My Wife and I are NOT CRAZY. We fully understand that if we are guests in some one’s house, we CANNOT tell them what to do or make any rules of our own! So clearly we would never ask them to not drink or to not do something that we don’t like. And My Wife is a very sensible person who has manners and has respect and would not allow her Children or our Children to misbehave in some one else’s house…..so although My Parents would still not be allowed to reprimand my Step Children…..there would be no need to because My Step Children are well behaved and would have been well behaved.

 

My Parents also suggested that my Step Children can go live with their biological Father while My Wife and I sort things out. Their biological Father lives very close to us and has a bedroom for them so it was very well possible. In my Head however, I thought, How could I ask My Wife to leave her own Children and not see them for a longer period of time than usual? I wouldn’t like it if I were put in that position either. My Children are my World and I couldn’t stand not being able to see them. Imagine what a MOTHER would feel like. I know the old saying about making sacrifices…..but that would be a cruel sacrifice.

 

So…….I sided with My Wife because I care tremendously about My Step Children. I know they mean the World to her and having them around makes her Happy. I would never want to risk her Happiness if it has anything to do with being cruel to her Children. I did get upset at my Parents and asked how they could be so final with their judgement…..

 

My Parents just moved to the same State as us just about a few months ago. Before that, my Family would take flights to our State and my Wife would generously kick her own Children(my Step Children) out of their Rooms….out of the house and send them to stay over at their Dad’s house for a few days to accommodate My Parents and My Brother while they were visiting………..Additionally, My Nephew would come in from out of State as well, on his own, with our his parents who are divorced by the way….No Instructions….His parents never called to check on him for the two months he stayed with us…..but my Wife was very accepting and let him crash inside Her Kid’s room and let him do whatever he wanted…….Mean while, When we would fly in to visit My Family….we never got the same treatment. Although My Parents owned a Big Enough house……with extra beds…..My Step Children weren’t offered those beds…..they were left to sleep on an uncomfortable couch. An Eye for An Eye? Or Not?

 

Here’s one thing. My Parents have always been unfair to me. They always played the favorites game with me and my Brother and my Brother was always favored. Perfect example, They gave my Brother a bigger down payment to buy a House, PLUS they co-signed for his house and now My Brother is living in a 4,000+ square foot home with 6 Bed Rooms, mean while its only him and his Girlfriend living there…..and My Family of 6 is homeless…….or kinda homeless and living out of a Storage Room and My Mother In Laws tiny apartment.

 

My Parents wanted to co-sign for me, but always made excuses when it came time to do so……when it came to my Brother though, there was no hesitation even though My Brother changes girlfriends every year or 2(he’s up to Girlfriend number 6 now), abandoned his Girlfriend of 15 years and their 2 Children and is an immature, irresponsible and inconsiderate person.

 

My Parents HAVE HOWEVER in return funded me and My Family for the last 5 years. My Parents acknowledged their favoritism to my Brother, have apologized and thought the best way to make it up to me was with Money. I didn’t and still don’t agree with that thought, but they did it and here we are over $200,000 later. Both the cars that my Wife and I own, have been paid for by My Parents, so they kept us afloat for some time. PLUS my Parents still pay for our car insurance.

 

Back to the original story. When I first told My Wife about What My Parents had said. She didn’t mind. Didn’t care. Thought we should be the bigger people and pretend that it didn’t bother us. Fast Forward 3 months later, and My Wife says she has thought about it and now is Mad about the whole thing now that we are living in My Mother In Laws House. I didn’t speak to My Parents for a good 2 1/2 Months…..until they started reaching out to me recently. They’ve apologized to ME for their behavior…..have offered me money…..have offered to help us by a house or help us rent a house…….but they haven’t reached out to My Wife.

 

Now if I know one thing about my parents its that they aren’t mean people. They’ve made MANY mistakes…..definitely not financially…..but they’ve made silly Mistakes which have hurt people….me and My Family included….but I know that they don’t mean harm. I don’t think they haven’t reached out to My Wife because they don’t care. They actually like her a lot and value her opinion over any body else……but I do think that they haven’t reached out to her because they are afraid of her. Afraid to apologize. Afraid to hear her reactions possibly.

 

I am still resentful of my Parents for the way they acted when I needed them a few months back. I can forgive them but I won’t forget. I still have a sour feeling towards them but at the end of the day I still Love and care about them.

 

My mindset right now is for me and My Wife to fix ourselves on OUR own. Without their help. My Wife wants the same. I kind of want to keep my distance from my parents because of the resentment I still feel towards them BUT…….I still want my Children to visit my Parents.

 

My Wife is Mad at my Parents because she feels that my Parents don’t like My Step Children. She feels My Parents discriminated against them and in a way I kind of feel the same way.

 

At first My Wife agreed to let My Parents see Our Children, but after the only two visits they’ve had since the big blow up…..My Wife decided she didn’t want to do any favors for My Parents anymore……meaning she didn’t like the idea of my Parents seeing my Kids.

 

Her theory behind that train of thought is that my Children would be betraying their siblings (My Step Children) by visiting My Parents. My Wife thinks that if my Children whom are very young by the way….if they knew that My Parents didn’t accept My Step Children living in their house, then my Children would be upset at My Parents.

 

So now it’s like we’re using my Children to get back at my Parents. At first I did do that. Didn’t see or contact my Parents for over Two Months. My Wife thought I shouldn’t have done that…..thought it was a bad idea. Now I want to have some contact with My Parents, and My Wife thinks that’s a bad idea.

 

Firstly, I don’t actually want to rush back into being in good spirits with my Parents. I don’t want to rush into being their best friend and sharing my secrets with them. All I really want is for them to maintain their relationship with my Children. PERIOD!

 

My Parents in essence have never done anything wrong to my Children. I mean aside from unfairly choosing sides and letting my Younger Child win arguments over my Older Child….My Parents have been the Greatest Grand Parents, a kid could ever ask for. Anything My kids wants, My Parents get and do for them. No excuses. My Parents LOVE my Children and my Children love my Parents right back.

 

Now, If supposedly there were an issue between My Parents and My Wife and her Two Children from a previous relationship…..should My Children be dragged into it? Should my Children have to suffer consequences for it? Additionally, My Wife thinks I should keep away from My Parents until we're in a better position.

 

Now again, My Parents have been very generous and extremely helpful to us through out the years BUT they are not angels. My Parents have unfairly criticized not only My Wife and I, but also My Wife’s Parents and Siblings, and of course those instances where My Parents were unfair to My Step Children……My Wife remembers all of it and I don’t blame her. I absolutely understand why.

 

And adding the fact that My Wife thinks My Parents don’t like My Step Children….that makes matters worse. Personally, I don’t believe that my Parents dislike my Step Children. They’ve never said a bad word about them….but I do believe that my Father might be a little resentful and unhappy about the fact that my Wife has had to correct him for overstepping his boundaries and trying to reprimand her Children. I’m sure that’s left a sour taste in his mouth but hey….good for him. He deserved it. He was in the wrong…..and if someone sets a boundary….you have to respect it. My Father clearly didn’t

 

I’m also of the belief that my Parents do not accept my role as a Step Father, but I’M VERY STRICT on enforcing the rule that they HAVE TO ACCEPT IT. They HAVE TO ACCEPT MY STEP CHILDREN because they are apart of My Wife. I chose to spend the rest of my life with My Wife and did so knowing she had Children…..so I accepted them as well. I just didn’t expect my Parents to not be accepting of my situation, though I need them to…..I REALLY NEED THEM TO.

 

Anyhow, Finally, after such a long story….my question is…….I’m SUPER LOYAL to MY WIFE. I Love her and our Family more than anything in this world. I don’t want to hurt or upset her……but I do need my Parents back…..and my Children need them back to……Am I wrong for wanting to have My Children visit My Parents? I am very sensitive to my Wife’s feelings and needs, I just think she might be reacting a little extreme here….What do you guys think?…..Can you please help? Any advice?

[boltnrun]

Have you and your wife returned the cars your parents paid for? Have you paid back the $200,000?

 

If not, why not? If you want nothing to do with them (or your wife doesn't), I'd think the first order of business would be to return the cars and/or pay your parents back all the money they gave you.

[No1]

There a lot of issues and its not something that can be answered in one post or even one session with a counselor.

 

In short, the only person preventing your kids from seeing your parents is you. If she doesn't want the step kids to go, fine, but have just as much right as your wife with your biological kids. If you want to take them, then you can take them. However you might pay the price from rage with your wife...which leads me to this.

 

Go seek couples counseling.

 

On a personal note. I know parents are not perfect. And from how it sounds, you grew up in a very unemotional household. All problems can be solved with money and there were very little hugs and kisses in the house. When was the last time you said "I love you" to either mom or dad? But how could you accept their money and then turn around and criticize them? They have kept you from sleeping out in the streets for the past 5 years and you complain on how they favor your brother? Not cool.

 

You and your wife should go to therapy together.

[Perrin83]

Out of curiosity, why are you using A. A. Milne capitalization?

[Andrina]

Actually, you need to own up to the problems existing with your parents. As their biological child, it was up to you to set the boundaries with them, not your wife. The first time your father reprimanded your step child, you should have pulled him aside and told him that if he has a problem with them, to tell you, and you and your wife will handle it, if it's a reasonable request. If there were beds available and your stepchildren were told to sleep on their couch, you should have packed up your family and went back home. YOU let that happen. When they badmouthed her family, you should have asked them to leave, or if you were at their home, you should have left. Apologize to your wife for your neglect. Promise her it won't happen again.

 

Grandchildren shouldn't be punished by being withheld from their loving grandparents because of the faults of family dysfunction. Set new boundaries. Your parents money is theirs to do anything they want with. If they wanted to give it all to your brother, that's their choice. You're not owed anything. If you and your wife can't make it on your own, maybe it's time for one or both of you to consider a career change, possibly getting training or education to make that happen. If you can't, go back to renting. At least it's a roof over your head.

[Seraphim]

Have you and your wife returned the cars your parents paid for? Have you paid back the $200,000?

 

If not, why not? If you want nothing to do with them (or your wife doesn't), I'd think the first order of business would be to return the cars and/or pay your parents back all the money they gave you.

I agree time to give the cars and money back. Your parents made the money. People are all principled unless it's money.

[j.man]

I don't get it. So your parents didn't want to house a child if they weren't allowed to ever reprimand them? My mother would give me or anyone else the exact same treatment. Hell, I wouldn't even house my nieces if I weren't allowed to be a responsibly authoritative adult figure should they mess up. Was your wife complaining about all the money they put into helping you two? How in the world are you perpetually homeless despite getting funded $200,000+? And you have the audacity to complain about your brother getting funded more for a bigger house?

 

So much "wow" here. And not to put it all on you-- it seems neither you nor your wife are keen on picking yourselves up.

[ParisPaulette]

What j.man and other posts have said, all of it. Your parents sound like near saints frankly. I'd have been done with the lot of you after the first time I gave you all a car and you acted like you did. And how exactly is it that you guys are homeless with that much money and cars given to you? Also, when someone else gives you a roof over your head or you'll all be homeless with children you abide by the rules, because it's their house. I would have told my wife in that case, "Fine dear, I'll take our kids to my parents and you and your kids can go stay in a shelter if you won't abide by their rules. Your choice."

 

I know you came here hoping people would tell you how terrible your parents are, but most of us don't have a level of self-entitlement that allows us to bite the hand that's been feeding us long past the point when it should have. You don't get to criticize someone when they keep giving you money to help you. That's called being an ungrateful sponge.

 

Take your kids to see their grandparents and if you wife doesn't like it tell her to get a job then and pay them back the money she happily took (you too) and that she can just go not like it as a single mother. You need to grow a bit of a spine and start acting like the head of the household. Your wife does not and should not get to dictate how other people act in their own house and if your stepkids misbehave they need to be disciplined by any adult in charge.

 

Also kids can pick up on that, so my guess if your stepkids will start misbehaving any time they know mom is not around and they're with other adults, knowing full well mom will have a hissy fit that someone dared tell her little darlings not to do something wrong.

 

I have zero sympathy here. And yes, I know I will probably get blocked, don't care honestly. You need some straight truths and you need to wake up.

[rosephase]

It sounds like a really complicated situation. One you keep editing yourself out of. Your wife wants/demand/needs x y and z. Your parents want/demand/need x y and z... and what about you?

 

It sounds like you are letting everyone else make choices for you. What do you want?

 

I would be livid if my family didn't accept the children of my partner. But I can't tell if your parents are actually unaccepting or they just want "Their house their rules" kind of situation. Have you talked to them about their feelings about the step kids? Have you explained your feelings about your step kids?

 

It makes since to me that your wife would be angry and frustrated with your parents playing favorites. But I would really hope she would understand just how much your parents have given your family in the way of support. They are basically responsible for your life style. Two cars, paying car insurance on going AND $200,000 +... they are making your lives possible. That is a big big big deal.

 

I think you need to talk to your parents and your wife. I think you need to stand up and start making some choices for yourself. If you need your parents to treat your step children equal to your biological children you need to explain that to them and be ready to talk repayment plans if they won't treat the children in your life with respect. You need to sit down with your wife and talk about what she would need to let her children have a relationship with your parents. Because the one thing you CAN'T do is keep taking their money and not letting them be a part of their grandkids lives.

 

You need to step up and start sorting this out. Because right now your parents and your wife are both being unreasonable and disrespectful. There are a lot of relationships on the line here. And a lot of money. You need to stop letting everyone else make the choices for you.

[ThatwasThen]

I am very sensitive to my Wife’s feelings and needs,

No kidding! You're so sensitive to her feeings that you've relinquished all rights to autonomy.

 

How about you be a man and simply tell her that your children and you have every right on gods given earth to be in your parents lives. That they have spoiled you both rotten and to punish them by not allowing them access to their grandchildren by blood is just plain wrong and the banishment ends today.

[codyrhodes]

just wanted to Thank every one for all the advice. I am one to admit when i am wrong and look to better myself. with that said I am not offended or upset by any comments made here. I am sincerely thankful. for clarity, both my Wife and I are currently working and will be getting a place in a month or so. I am eternally grateful for all the help my parents have provided and want to move past this. you guys have helped me to do that.

 

I woke up this morning very courageous, spoke to my Wife and told her its time to move on. if she wants to be upset and not see my parents or not have her kids around my parents then that is fine but me and my Children need to and want to see my parents. I also think that she and I should accept and respect the decision that my parents made and not take it so personally. I regret doing so and am ashamed of myself.......my kids are currently at my parents house

 

for those who questioned, why I would be so afraid of my wife.....its because she has threatened to leave me in the past when it has come to situations with my parents. just last week when I pleaded with her to let the kids see my parents.....she suggested that I should go live with them. Its hard confronting some one like that when it seems like she has little regard for her Children and how they would feel if my Wife and I were no longer together.

 

again Thank You every one. I needed the advice.....all of it.

[codyrhodes]

re : rosephase

 

thank you so much for your time and for your advice. I think your reply may have been the most nicest and understanding of the full situation......though I also accept and appreciate the comments of those who were a little bit harder on me. I actually spoke to my Wife this Morning.....and my kids are at My Parents house right now which of course is a great thing. I think we're making progress. My Wife and I are both working right now and accepting hand outs from my Parents is no longer an option for us. We are grateful for all their help....well I am.....My Wife says.....they gave that money to me....not to her. but moving forward I would like for my Parents to accept and possibly bond more with my Step Children....hopefully it'll all work out. thank you again!!!!

[boltnrun]

re : rosephase

 

thank you so much for your time and for your advice. I think your reply may have been the most nicest and understanding of the full situation......though I also accept and appreciate the comments of those who were a little bit harder on me. I actually spoke to my Wife this Morning.....and my kids are at My Parents house right now which of course is a great thing. I think we're making progress. My Wife and I are both working right now and accepting hand outs from my Parents is no longer an option for us. We are grateful for all their help....well I am.....My Wife says.....they gave that money to me....not to her. but moving forward I would like for my Parents to accept and possibly bond more with my Step Children....hopefully it'll all work out. thank you again!!!!

 

So your wife is not driving the car your parents paid for?

 

And since they gave the money to you, she didn't benefit from any of it?

 

Has your wife always acted like everyone owes her whatever she wants?

 

I'm glad you're not giving in on the kids spending time with your parents. That's the least you can do.

[codyrhodes]

So your wife is not driving the car your parents paid for?

 

And since they gave the money to you, she didn't benefit from any of it?

 

Has your wife always acted like everyone owes her whatever she wants?

 

I'm glad you're not giving in on the kids spending time with your parents. That's the least you can do.

 

Re : boltnrun

Thank you as well for your previous reply to my post. you really helped open my eyes. I mean I always thought it was wrong to give my parents the cold shoulder because of all their help, but sometimes when you hear other people back up your feelings and thoughts, it makes things better. I was wrong....childish.....foolish even. I own my mistake. Thanks for your advice.

[ParisPaulette]

It's heartening to see you stand up and do the right thing, keep going. Keep in mind it's usually harder to stand up to your friends and family than it is a stranger, everyone has that to one degree or another and often it takes more courage to do so.

 

As to your wife threatening to leave you need to stop letting her essentially blackmail you with that and instead lay out the terms and conditions and tell her if she likes there's the door, you will not put up with it. Would she really call your bluff on that? I don't know. Sometimes when people use such threats they really do want to leave and are saying it to get someone used to the fact they'll be out the door. other times it's a soft threat and they fold like a cheap card table if that's the case. I don't know which hers is and neither do you, but I think it's time you put your foot down about that and really, really take the time to imagine what you would do if she does leave you. Not get emotional about it. Not freak out about it, but really if she leaves tomorrow because she really has been building up to that anyways what would you do.

 

Sometimes the best way to solve something you're afraid of is to calmly by yourself face and explore all options from worst case scenario to best and then put into place contingencies for all of those things. It makes the scary thing not quite so scary and it helps you if it should come to pass. It's a tactic I've used a lot in my later years, whish I had used it when I was younger. It just helps you become more at cause over the things you fear most, if that makes sense. Anyways I do wish you all the best and hope things work out all right for everyone. I'm glad your kids are with your parents too, that's awesome and I know it took guts to do that.

 

But of course you and you alone must decide what to do and how to do it, this is just a word of advice on what has worked for me and I know it might not for anyone else. Getting your kids to visit your parents is a very good start though.

[tattoobunnie]

Stop calling the kettle black.

 

She wants your parents to love your step kids like their own, but they aren't allowed to speak to them like they are their own grandkids? That's so f-in hypocritical.

 

Your parents apologized to you already. Maybe not directly to your wife, but that's normal to start. They are your parents, who graciously have forked over dough to HER, and all she did was take, take, take.

 

I don't get how you can't view your step kids are your kids that you love to. Just because they have a biological father, doesn't mean they can't have more than two parents that will guide, love, and take of them.

 

You have money for a down payment - look into FHA loans, where you can have a 580 credit score, and a 2% down payment. I mean, if your credit score is lower than 580, you need to start writing letters to those creditors and apologize, which helps a lot.