Missing a married man

[Cluelessny]

I was dating a married man. I knew he was married but he was separated, at least that’s what he told. As time went on (only a matter of a few weeks), I felt something was right. I asked him about her again. He still insisted they were not together. I left it alone and continued seeing him. I investigate things so I looked around social media and realized he had to be lying. To make a long story short, he admitted they were still together but their relationship was on its way out but they did not live together. It bothered me but I said okay, I’ll deal with it. Then when her birthday came around he posted pictures of the two of them together and he has just left his house, which meant they must live together. He still kept lying and I decided enough was enough. I told her everything and even sent her pictures and screenshots of our texts. She called me a few times. He tried to lie to her then I guess he admitted it. He had no choice, I had proof. He kept saying he was gonna so anything to get his wife back. I spoke to him the next day and he didn’t really want to talk to me but he did. He was mad and said we could talk as friends here and there. I think I spoke to him once after that and he stopped answering the phone, he changed his number and blocked me on social media. He told someone his wife made him do that and she deleted all his contacts. I am so upset and I don’t know what to think. I miss the relationship I had but I really miss my friend. I have had no contact with him I’m 2 1/2 weeks. Last week my friend reached out to him on social media and he contacted her via a fake page to talk about things and he told her, he is not happy with his wife and he will eventually call me but he hasn’t. I went through depression and I feel okay some days but I really miss him and I wonder if he misses me or thinks about me at all. I don’t want to be back with him because of his marriage but I do want to talk to him again. Do you think he will ever contact me again? Please don’t judge me. I feel horrible already. Thank you

[Cope]

He probably will contact you again. You should be prepared for this. Be honest to yourself, do you really miss his friendship? Even if you truly, honestly do, This man can not offer either to you. This man isn't actually who you think he is. He's a liar. You are in love and missing someone you made up in your mind, not this guy.

 

Start dating others so you can begin to see that he's not the only guy around. Prepare yourself as to what you will say or do when he does contact you and please make it something like "please don't contact me again"

[EternalOptimis]

Move on. He is a liar and a cheat. You deserve better. NC is better in the long run

[Cluelessny]

I miss him so much because I miss the person I thought he was. I reread old text messages and can’t believe it’s the same person. I guess I fell in love and didn’t realize it. I am so hurt. I feel used. I know I should forget him but I can’t. I want him to say that he’s sorry even though he has apologized many times. I know no contact is better in the long run but I want him to call me and tell me he cares which I don’t think will happen. I wonder if I’ll ever see him or speak to him again.

[Seraphim]

What you are missing is a dream that never existed . Don't bother wasting your time on a cheat and a liar that was never yours to begin with . And if you think you feel bad imagine how his wife feels .

[Cluelessny]

I have thought about how she feels. That’s why I said I do not want him back but I have feelings for a guy I didn’t know was still involved with her. If I had known, I wouldn’t have gotten involved with him.

[Annia]

NC all the way and a good, hard reality check that this man is a liar and a cheater and that what you miss is an illusion that doesn't exist.

 

And why is your friend contacting him through social media? And is he that childish that he has to hide behind fake fb pages? This man is a total mess.

[melancholy123]

I miss him so much because I miss the person I thought he was. I reread old text messages and can’t believe it’s the same person. I guess I fell in love and didn’t realize it. I am so hurt. I feel used. I know I should forget him but I can’t. I want him to say that he’s sorry even though he has apologized many times. I know no contact is better in the long run but I want him to call me and tell me he cares which I don’t think will happen. I wonder if I’ll ever see him or speak to him again.

 

Time to wake up and smell the coffee. He's a liar and a cheat and you are foolish if you want to maintain any sort of contact with him. You miss who you thought he was, not who he really is! Think about that. You should delete all those text msgs and any possible way for him to contact you. You'll never get over this if you keep living in the past and dreaming and wishing he was in your life.

[Cluelessny]

Agreed @melancholy123

[RedPencil]

I miss him so much because I miss the person I thought he was. I reread old text messages and can’t believe it’s the same person. I guess I fell in love and didn’t realize it. I am so hurt. I feel used. I know I should forget him but I can’t. I want him to say that he’s sorry even though he has apologized many times. I know no contact is better in the long run but I want him to call me and tell me he cares which I don’t think will happen. I wonder if I’ll ever see him or speak to him again.

 

Dearest Cluelessny,

 

This relationship is about you - the married man could be anybody. He is nether here nor there. We all know what he is after. You need to work out why you chose to attach to an emotionally unavailable person. Something in your past, background or experience has led you to fall into this relationship. It goes without saying that you have very weak and non existent personal boundaries because you are dating someone like this. You have low self-esteem (and remind me so much of me some 7 years ago because I was in a similar situation to you.) So please don't take it personally and don't think I am judging you. This relationship will further damage yourself esteem and possibly even destroy you. You need to go into therapy, read books, and learn about the reasons why you attached to a married person. Impose clean and persistent no contact and run. Save yourself.

[Cluelessny]

Thank you for your response and I somewhat agree with you. I chose to get attached because I didn’t know he was still in a relationship with his wife. Had I known, I wouldn’t have gotten involved with him. He played on my emotions and lied to me to get what he wants over and over. Even up until the day I told his wife. I’m moving on but none the less still hurt. He has not contacted me and it’s been almost 3 weeks.

[figureitout23]

Thank you for your response and I somewhat agree with you. I chose to get attached because I didn’t know he was still in a relationship with his wife. Had I known, I wouldn’t have gotten involved with him. He played on my emotions and lied to me to get what he wants over and over. Even up until the day I told his wife. I’m moving on but none the less still hurt. He has not contacted me and it’s been almost 3 weeks.

 

You played with fire.

 

Granted, you didn't know from the very start, even with that being said, not only did you continue when you found out, you went and told the wife in an attempt to ruin their marriage and have him all to yourself.

 

You deffinetely need to stop blaming him and look at your actions in all this. Put yourself in the wife's shoes... would you pity you?

[Cluelessny]

That is not why I told his wife. I wouldn’t want him to myself even if he left her. He’s a liar and a cheater. I told her because my feelings got hurt. Plain and simple. Call it what you want but I only continued for about 2 weeks because my feelings were involved and I chose to tell her because I couldn’t keep seeing someone’s husband.

[figureitout23]

That is not why I told his wife. I wouldn’t want him to myself even if he left her. He’s a liar and a cheater. I told her because my feelings got hurt. Plain and simple. Call it what you want but I only continued for about 2 weeks because my feelings were involved and I chose to tell her because I couldn’t keep seeing someone’s husband.

 

Please read what you wrote:

 

 

 

Then when her birthday came around he posted pictures of the two of them together and he has just left his house, which meant they must live together. He still kept lying and I decided enough was enough. I told her everything and even sent her pictures and screenshots of our texts. She called me a few times. He tried to lie to her then I guess he admitted it. He had no choice, I had proof. He kept saying he was gonna so anything to get his wife back. I spoke to him the next day and he didn’t really want to talk to me but he did. He was mad and said we could talk as friends here and there. I think I spoke to him once after that and he stopped answering the phone, he changed his number and blocked me on social media. He told someone his wife made him do that and she deleted all his contacts. I am so upset and I don’t know what to think. I miss the relationship I had but I really miss my friend.

 

I don’t want to be back with him because of his marriage but I do want to talk to him again. Do you think he will ever contact me again?

 

You don't have to be defensive with me, I'm not judging you, I'm simply responding to what you wrote and what you wrote tells me, this was about you.

 

 

I repeat - this was about you.

 

This is my personal opinion of course, but I think once you accept that, you can begin to heal.

[Cluelessny]

It’s natural to have feelings involved when you’re in a relationship so that’s why I miss what we had. Again, if I had known, it would’ve been different. Thank you for your opinion.

[figureitout23]

It’s natural to have feelings involved when you’re in a relationship so that’s why I miss what we had. Again, if I had known, it would’ve been different. Thank you for your opinion.

 

To be fair, once you found out and continued, you weren't in a relationship, you became the mistress, a scorned one at that.

 

You keep saying, 'if I had known things would be different' but then you say things like 'he's settling' and 'he doesn't love her' and ' he isn't happy'

 

You are not the first and you won't be the last mistress to be fed these lines and the only reason they stuck with you and you're repeating them here is because you hope they're true because you want him.

 

I'm just now getting back into the dating game after a long hiatus and one thing I've learned from my time here and dating is if someone wants to be with you, they will be. If a person truly wants to be with you, come hell or high water, they will be with you. I have literally never seen an excuse, here or in real life, that wasn't the dumpee just trying to make themselves feel better. 99% If someone wants to be with you, they will be with you.

 

I also learned from personal experience that unless abuse is involved, relationships aren't hard to end and divorces happen every day and the world keeps spinning.

 

He's with her because he wants to be and you've been blocked because he chose her. Doesn't matter if she 'made' him do it, what matters is he cut you off. Does that sound like someone who values you?

 

You originally asked 'will he contact me again' and my answer is, when things get rough with the wife, yeah he probably will. Do you really want to be his back up? His ego stroke?

 

I know it hurts, look at my past posts and believe me when I say, Im not judging you, all I'm saying is I personally think if the only advise you accept is where people bash him or give you tips on how to get him back you aren't going to move passed this and you very well may fall into the trap of mistress in waiting. That's not a title you deserve.

[eidetic]

Of course there is a morality piece here, so people will judge.

 

I appreciate and admire that you told the wife, and it doesn't matter how your reasons are perceived here; I wouldn't get hung up on responses to that. She needed to be made aware that he was acting out, and he needed to be aware that there are profound and legitimate consequences to his behaviors and actions. But you have to know that the radio silence with you now is one of those consequences, because the people in that marriage are now faced with finding their way through the fact of his betrayal.

 

It is so lucky and blessed for you, that this connection has been severed. And that it's been done quickly, instead of with any circling back. The last thing you need in your life is a liar. He doesn't quite get points for cutting you off quickly: although it's respectable and decisive, that's affair recovery 101, and it's the first and really the least he can do to spare his wife further pain. The side benefit is that it also ultimately spares you, and you can more quickly heal. Of the three involved, you will likely heal first -- which, for you, is good. His wife will be hurting for years.

 

It would be interesting to hear the male/masculine perspective on any of this. Often, cheating men know full well that they have placed a woman in a risky position by elevating her above the wife or marriage, and know that they are doing the so-called mistress wrong. They know that they are leading her on, being selfish, and being emotionally and morally irresponsible. To the so-called mistress. They also know they are enacting something horrible on the wife they are deceiving, although I don't think anyone is ever fully prepared for how deeply the betrayal consumes the deceived, once the truth is finally exposed.

 

The only thing I'll say about that is that a married person's extramarital exploring isn't cute or charming, or on the surface, excusable. If you are approached this way by a man again, know that some part of him knows he is serving only himself -- and that marriages do survive infidelity and potentially become stronger and deeper once the betrayal is fully examined and resolved. That alone is reason to steer clear, as you deserve to have your own true and lasting intimacy, rather than to be temporarily used as a stepping stone to another couple's marital success.

 

Just know that you deserve more and better, and truer than what happened here. I'm glad you got out of it. Just note the pain of it and for your own healing, cut this guy completely out of your world. A better one will come.

[Cluelessny]

You are right figureitout23, I don’t want to be the back up. I feel so hurt because I have feelings for the man I thought he was. Yes, he chose her. I have to move on. Asking if he’ll contact me again is because that would be a temporary fix for a permanent problem. I am still hurting but I’m hoping I can move past it. The longer there is nc, the better.

[Cluelessny]

eidetic, thank you for those words. I feel like you actually knew me and the situation. That means a lot. I am still hurt but hopefully in time that will change.

[figureitout23]

You are right figureitout23, I don’t want to be the back up. I feel so hurt because I have feelings for the man I thought he was. Yes, he chose her. I have to move on. Asking if he’ll contact me again is because that would be a temporary fix for a permanent problem. I am still hurting but I’m hoping I can move past it. The longer there is nc, the better.

 

I know it doesn't feel like it now, but it does get easier, and after time passes you'll wonder why you ever let him get to you in the first place. Just remind yourself, you deserve so much more than what he's offering.

[Cluelessny]

figureitout23, thank you. I needed to hear that. I don’t know why I feel like there is no one other than him. As of now, I can’t believe he got me feeling this way. I am hurt and can imagine how his wife must feel.

[Dominique]

i'm sorry you were duped in that way. i had someone lie to me like that once. thankfully i got out right away before he could really hurt me. you deserve better and he's is a liar. be glad he is someone else's problem

[Cluelessny]

Thank you Dominique. I still feel hurt and a lot of people think because he was married I shouldn’t feel this way but I do. I have my moments but i am learning to move past it. Even though it may take a while, I’ll get over it. I don’t know how long that takes but it will happen eventually.

[Cluelessny]

Tomorrow makes 30 nc. Not because I didn’t want to but it was the right thing to do. I miss him regardless of the situation. I blocked him on social media and that was a step in the right direction. It gets easier everyday. I have my moments where I still feel hurt. I have no choice but to push forward. He has not tried contacting me either.