Girlfriend cheated, unhappiness, still want her back

[laceless]

So to give some context; me and my now ex-girlfriend just finished our first year of university studying the same course. I met her on a student forum about 16 months ago and we spoke on there, added each other on Facebook, spoke for almost all the summer before university started. Once we met in person for the first time, something just clicked. I hadn't been in a proper relationship before her.. I was of course attracted to girls and I liked girls, but something was different about this one. We just... clicked. We got on great, we had similar interests, there was just an instant attraction from the moment i laid eyes on her. We started seeing each other about 1 month in to university, and became official as of new years eve. We continued to date up until about 4 weeks ago where she cheated on me with a guy within our friendship circle. Just to add a bit more context; my girlfriend had a lot of issues. She had extreme anxiety and had lots of problems including self harming and general insecurities when we first met. But over time, I helped support her and even now she doesn't self harm, she got a part-time job at Starbucks in which she's interacting with hundreds of people every day when before she couldn't even buy a bus ticket without her anxiety kicking in. Without a doubt I was deeply in love with her, she was my best friend and I could do anything with her, say anything to her and everything was just right. However, our relationship wasn't good (as I found out later). I was thrown in to a very busy year, with my part time job taking 20-25 hours a week, 20 hours a week of university lectures, going to the gym 3-5 days a week, seeing my girlfriend and revising, doing coursework etc. As this was my first relationship i was really not sure how to prioritise everything. My girlfriend often said that she didn't see me enough and i just said I'm busy so its hard to fit everything in. She was unhappy for months as it turned out, often would cry in front of friends when i wasn't there and saying she just wanted to end it but she loved me so much she didn't want to. I didn't listen, I completely took her for granted when all i ever wanted was to make her happy. We never went on dates, our only quality time was a couple hours a week when we lived 10 minutes from each other. I messed up a lot. Whenever there was a problem, i didnt listen or try to work on it. Then one night, she went on a night out with some of our course friends and was upset over something id done. One of the group members comforted her and in a way took advantage of how upset she was, and started making a fuss, saying he understood what she said, comforted her. One thing lead to another and they ended up sleeping together. She told me instantly the next day and I broke up with her instantly. After learning about a week later as to how unhappy she was I was less angry at her but more angry at myself. I was so unaware that the girl I thought was the one was so upset all because of me and how blind i was. The cheating is inexcusable but its understandable. Since then she's continued to see this guy she cheated on me with. He's stayed at hers and they've met up as he's continued to comfort her and she's grown to start liking him and what he can "offer". A problem we have is that we're living together next year as well as 4 other friends (thank god not the guy she cheated on me with). There's something between us that i don't think could ever go away and she has agreed. She says she can't imagine her life without me and even though she did a terrible thing she isn't sure she wants to go back in to a relationship with me because of how upset she was. But she also says that I made her so happy at times too, happier than she's ever been in her entire life.

 

For now I'm trying to get over her. It seems impossible not to text her or ring her because she was everything to me. We've said to each other that if we are meant for each other, things will work naturally. Maybe this was a sign from god for us to sort ourselves out over this summer period then when we move in together we can have a proper mature relationship with communication.

 

Any thoughts??

 

EDIT: It was a very complicated relationship and situation... anyone unsure can ask questions and I'll happily reply

[Hollyj]

I think that you are making a lot of excuses for her cheating. There is never any excuse.

 

She should have come to you and expressed her concerns. She also could have broken things off, prior to cheating.

 

On your side, you should not be in a relationship if you only have a few hours a week, and do not properly date. That's not fair. Either, you readjust your schedule for someone else, or go solo until things quiet down.

 

OP, you almost sound like a guardian to her, and this is not healthy. You are not her keeper and responsible for well being. You sound quite co dependent. I suggest that you look it up, so that you do get into this dynamic, again. She sounds very needy.

 

You two, are not healthy together.

[Jeetsun]

The cheating is inexcusable but its understandable.

 

The cheating is neither inexcusable nor understandable. You've made a lot of excuses for her and are really stretching the truth to justify her actions and the reason why you're pinning for her so much. Take her off the pedestal and be objective. Her words don't match her actions, she cheated, she needs constant attention/validation from other dudes, this is a recipe for constant disappointment for you should you continue to keep her in your life. Cut her loose and look elsewhere.

[MissCanuck]

No, having sex with a guy who is not her boyfriend is not understandable. Quit rationalizing that. She could have broken up with you if she was that unhappy. She chose to go the dishonest route instead.

 

Now you know her true colours. Anxiety or stress didn't cause this. Her lack of love and respect for you did. If she truly cared about you, she wouldn't have opened her legs for another guy. Period.

 

The one point I would agree on, however, is that you don't have time for a relationship. A couple of hours a week is insufficient for almost everyone and just not enough to keep the fire burning. That said, this also didn't lead to her decision to cheat. She was unhappy wth you, yes, but her response to that says it all - it's over and needs to stay that way.

 

Living with her next year is a very bad idea. How much will you enjoy her bringing this guy to your house? Watching her get ready to go out with him? Seeing him in your kitchen with a coffee when you wake up in the morning? If I were you, I would be seeking out alternative arrangements in whatever way possible. Otherwise, next year will be disastrous for you.