wis Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 I am unable to have actual conversations. I have seen several girls in my life (I'm 32), and even after a couple months I still can't warm up to anyone and just be myself. It is so frustrating seeing the girl across the table just waiting for me to talk, even telling me to "just say something". I lost a girl who told me that she was frustrated and confused about why I "don't talk to her". Sometimes she would even say something and I would just go blank. It has caused every girl I met to lose interest. It's not just with girls either, guy friends (I have no true friends), cousins, etc. I only have some siblings who I'm completely myself around, and I'm fun, loud, and entertaining only with them. I wish I could be that way around a girl. Am I the only person with this problem to this extent in that it's holding me back in life? Should I seek counseling? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaHermes Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 Wis. Loud and entertaining is not required. Girls wouldn't like it. Just talk about inconsequential things. Your last trip, the state of the nation, price increases, what a lovely dress she is wearing, ..........hundreds of topics. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wis Posted June 28, 2017 Author Share Posted June 28, 2017 Wis. Loud and entertaining is not required. Girls wouldn't like it. Just talk about inconsequential things. Your last trip, the state of the nation, price increases, what a lovely dress she is wearing, ..........hundreds of topics. I mean, not necessarily loud.. but not quiet. Part of it is that I can't recall anything to talk about when I try to. I don't know how regular minds work and people just think of things naturally. I had to make lists in my head but they can only be so long. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DancingFool Posted June 29, 2017 Share Posted June 29, 2017 Sounds like a case of nerves and frankly, it's pretty common. So you are not alone, not weird, etc. Luckily too is that the art of conversation is actually a learned skill. So do you need counseling? No. Do you need maybe some help, coaching, some practice in general.... probably. Join toastmasters, join a drama club, find a life coach, join a speech club or a debate club. What you need is practice really and all of the above work if you put the time and effort into it. The way it works is that at first it will be painful, scary, embarrassing, you'll feel totally tongue tied....but then you persevere and you realize that it's actually kind of fun and not scary at all and you can totally talk and make witty comments and lead conversation off the cuff. The in between is just working at it in an environment that's pretty much forcing you to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wis Posted June 29, 2017 Author Share Posted June 29, 2017 Sounds like a case of nerves and frankly, it's pretty common. So you are not alone, not weird, etc. Luckily too is that the art of conversation is actually a learned skill. So do you need counseling? No. Do you need maybe some help, coaching, some practice in general.... probably. Join toastmasters, join a drama club, find a life coach, join a speech club or a debate club. What you need is practice really and all of the above work if you put the time and effort into it. The way it works is that at first it will be painful, scary, embarrassing, you'll feel totally tongue tied....but then you persevere and you realize that it's actually kind of fun and not scary at all and you can totally talk and make witty comments and lead conversation off the cuff. The in between is just working at it in an environment that's pretty much forcing you to. Do the things listed actually work most of the time? I had heard that working with people would help (I did fast food for a while to try it). I can talk as long as there are things to talk about like telling a customer his total, repeating his order, telling him to have a nice day, etc. but when I turn around and a co-worker is trying to start a normal conversation with me, I freeze up and can't talk to her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DancingFool Posted June 29, 2017 Share Posted June 29, 2017 Do the things listed actually work most of the time? I had heard that working with people would help (I did fast food for a while to try it). I can talk as long as there are things to talk about like telling a customer his total, repeating his order, telling him to have a nice day, etc. but when I turn around and a co-worker is trying to start a normal conversation with me, I freeze up and can't talk to her. Yeah it works with practice and perseverance. The different ideas are basically making you talk in front of a group or a crowd of people and once you get comfortable with that, talking one on one becomes simple. It also kind of teaches you skills through practice on how to talk on the spot about random stuff. Different ideas, thoughts, etc. It's kind of like if you can get up in front of a group and talk, joke, be silly, etc, then you can start transferring that to other areas of your life because the fear is gone. You won't get tongue tied because you've become totally comfortable and you have ideas that you can use off the cuff. It's not easy for anyone though, so don't get discouraged. Kind of have to look at it like any other type of training. You don't become great at basketball without putting in hours of work training at it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaHermes Posted June 29, 2017 Share Posted June 29, 2017 Wis: "I don't know how regular minds work.... " Meaning? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EtrnalOptimist Posted June 29, 2017 Share Posted June 29, 2017 Wis. Loud and entertaining is not required. Girls wouldn't like it. Just talk about inconsequential things. Your last trip, the state of the nation, price increases, what a lovely dress she is wearing, ..........hundreds of topics. That's the easiest category of all. Not just complements (which nobody can get enough of ) but you are after all trying to see if you have things in common / likely to get on. Ask her about her. That's a bottomless pit of conversation right there. "Oh you went camping last summer? How interesting. I've often wanted to but have never done it myself. Where did you go? What made you choose there? .." Normal minds work just like yours. You don't come across as a weirdo so relax and you'll do just fine.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wis Posted June 29, 2017 Author Share Posted June 29, 2017 Wis: "I don't know how regular minds work.... " Meaning? Meaning minds that don't just go completely blank and the other person thinks you're not trying. I mean, I did my best, I even talked about the tiles on the tables. But then the conversations lead to nowhere when I do find something. It's like I just get out what I need to then stop and it seems good enough instead of letting the conversation flow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
purpledog123 Posted July 6, 2017 Share Posted July 6, 2017 Omg this makes so much sense. I felt very similar to Wis. However I am 16 years old and I feel like I need to change my fear of talking and being social with people. Thank you very much!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wis Posted July 10, 2017 Author Share Posted July 10, 2017 Omg this makes so much sense. I felt very similar to Wis. However I am 16 years old and I feel like I need to change my fear of talking and being social with people. Thank you very much!!!!!! It's good to know we're not alone. I know part of it is just realizing how important it is to communicate and just thinking of SOMETHING to ask or say. I always imagine how I can do better though and when the time actually comes it is so much harder than I thought! I'm going to be getting counceling so if anything is helpful I can post it here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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