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I need some advice and insight on my situation. Recent LDR split.

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This is my first time posting on this forum, hello everyone! I hope all is well. It's a very, very long read.


Alright, here's some background on my current situation. My ex and I are both military, and we we're in a LDR for 7 months. I was her first physical relationship, and she was my first girlfriend but not relationship. We never had issues on arranging meet-ups, she actually was all about seeing each other at least once a month if the opportunity was allotted. We both knew going into the relationship was going to be difficult due to the distance, but we jumped into it anyways not worrying where we'd we land. After 1-2 months of talking, she asked me to be her girlfriend but I held off because I wanted to make it official in person. It was definitely a passionate, intense, caring relationship. We both have strong personalities, albeit I was more emotional on the outside and she was internally emotional. Which caused a lot of our arguments, where it was difficult for her to convey how she felt and it was frustrating for the both of us. We continued to work on that together, but we still had arguments over petty things. There was a slight issue, she's out to everyone and I'm not there were times that it bothered her, I wasn't ashamed to be with her or anything. We were never in short of conversation, we'd opened up to each other and everything just felt natural and easy, always on the phone with each other etc.


Throughout the course of our relationship, there was a lot of on-going stress for the both of us. She got evicted from her apartment back in January, because of her dog. I was trying my best to help her out with her situation, ie; hiring movers, talking to attorney's about her lease agreement, looking for new places etc. I would do anything I can to help her, and ease her stress. She eventually moved into her friend's place, which made things more stressful on her because it strained their friendship heavily. Another friend let her move in with them, she's been happier with them. During that time frame we had a lot of arguments, to the point of tears. I could feel myself get upset, annoyed and jealous of her friends because they could see her all the time and I couldn't. The distance was getting to us. When she came to see me for the second time, that feeling was gone temporarily I just knew I was in love with her after dropping her off at the airport because I remember holding her and telling her that I would take care of her, take care of her for the rest of my life.


Come around March, that's when it got really rocky between us. After visiting her for a week, I could tell she was stressed out but she was always happy to see me. We always we're elated whenever we're together, she told me that all of her anxiety and bad emotions go away when we see each other. I suggested that we should go see therapists together to help with our own personal issues, which I was glad she did because she ended up finding out that she had moderate depression, anxiety and she was insecure about herself. We always bounced off positive techniques when it came to combatting negative feelings. After I left from our visit, there was something off. I asked her what was wrong she told me that she didn't feel the same way as she did before for me, because of the fighting and didn't know if she could ever get those feelings back it broke my heart hearing it. I asked her why didn't she just end it? She was hoping it would get better. I think it was a combination of the fighting and her reading my messages to someone that I used have a connection with a year prior, I assured her that there was no feelings there and ended up deleting her number. Next thing you know it drives my emotions out the wall, where I would try anything to fix it. I ended up obsessing over her, afraid of losing her. There was an argument that we had where towards the end she told me "why did you have to go find me all the way over here?" I told her that I found her in the last life, this life and I will find her in the next. I knew that we cared immensely about each other and wanted this to work, despite what was going on.


Fast forward, we met up in May for her birthday for a week. It was a great time, for us both and I got to meet her family, they asked me your typical "do you love her? Don't hurt her, take care of each other," I love her family for the first time I felt like I belonged. She showed me where she grew up, took me to her favorite restaurant in the world and it just felt great. Even though my gift wasn't that great, she ended up crying and holding me and thanked me. She told me that she never doubted that I loved her, it was undeniable. Two weeks after she left, things were good too no arguments or anything. Come the following week, we had a conversation that eventually escalated to her breaking up with me. She said that she felt hopeless about our relationship working out because of the fighting, she felt anxious to point of sickness, exhausted and it wasn't healthy for her and she told me that she needed to do what's best for her and ended it. It was a very emotional break up, where both of us were in tears and drained. I asked her if this was what she wanted, she paused and said I need to do what's best for me. She didn't want to lose me, completely and hopes that we stay in each others lives but it will be difficult for me to transition.


The next morning she agreed to talking with me about our relationship, later that night I asked her what she wanted while we were still together. She said that she wanted freedom, she felt like I was judging her friends, and she couldn't go out without upsetting me. Whenever I asked how she felt, she'd stonewall me and withdraw herself from the conversation. I never really knew the full scope of how she felt because she would rather bottle it in because she didn't want to seem weak. I knew she was working on it though. She told me that she constantly felt like she was a failure, guilty and letting me down which wasn't the case. I told her my feelings on it, where a lot of the issues could be worked on and it just felt like we were just throwing in the towel because it got difficult. She told me that she had reached her breaking point, and stuck with her decision. Which I respected, I told her that I would like a second chance if there were to be one. She responded with "I know, but I don't want to be in a relationship right now or in general. If it's meant to be then will work itself out don't force it." Afterwards, I asked her if she could stay on the phone with me because I needed a friend she said it wouldn't be a good idea because she doesn't want it to feel like we're in still a relationship, completely understandable. I told her that I could feel my mind go in a negative place, and it could lead me on a dark path because it's hard for me to get out of that mindset and be on my feet again. I guess she felt like that I was implying that I was going to hurt myself. Because the next day she spoke to her therapist, told him about the breakup. It's required by military policy for medical providers to report any form of possible self harm on any service members, so her therapist contacted my supervision and that was just a whole fiasco. I understand where the implication was when I told her what I was feeling, my mind was emotionally clouded. I wasn't upset with her doing that, she felt like that if something were to happen to me she wouldn't be able to live with herself. She continued to tell her therapist about the breakup and he said that what I told her was considered emotional abuse. Afterwards, I ended up talking to her dad who told me that just take it a day at a time, work on yourself, give her space and that he's never seen her this happy. We kept in contact for a couple weeks, telling me that she was hurting and upset. He told me that she's always had difficulty with expressing her emotions when she was young. I called her to tell that things are okay, I spoke to who I needed to speak to just to alleviate any concerns she had. I ended up talking to my therapist, and she said "did you feel judged when she was talking to him? Where he came up with the conclusion that was abuse? Because that wasn't the case." I didn't even think about that at the time, but I didn't dwell on it. I was mostly upset with the whole ordeal.


This is where it gets confusing. We've been in contact with each other consistently up till this week. The first week, I didn't talk to her for 3 days and I finally responded and she was afraid that I didn't want to talk to her because she sent 3 messages, and the third one was an apology for bothering me, then she mentioned that if I still planned on visiting she wanted to show me this hiking spot. The second week since our breakup, I had surgery and she wished me well and I thanked her, and we talked for a bit I said that I had an embarrassing video after my surgery and she said that she NEEDED to see it. Which I sent her, she responded with "you're f*king adorable," and "you're really cute," which kind of threw me off. Our conversations have always been friendly and borderline flirty, and it felt like we never broke up. She shared with me some things that she would never do while we were together, which was her artwork. Eventually, towards the third week she stopped initiating conversation, before it was mostly her. Probably because of the letter I sent her, it was mostly an apology letter about how my insecurities robbed her of her freedom, obsession turning into possession and it didn't allude to me wanting her back or anything. She still lurks around my social media, liking and commenting on my things which I don't really read much into. Literally last weekend, I drunk texted her on snap chat I didn't say "I love you, I miss you, I want you back," or anything of the sort. She kept asking me who I was with, I didn't answer her. The next morning I apologized for the night before, she asked who I was with again didn't answer till towards the end of the day. Why do you care? We're not together lol. (I didn't say that to her) I asked her if she would be opposed to meeting up again, she said "I don't know, where would we meet up?" I told her that I planned on making a cross country trip later on and probably drive through Colorado, and meet up for dinner. Our last conversation, she mentioned that she was glad to see that I was going out and doing things again. I told her that I've always done things while we were together, she said that you haven't really since we were constantly talking on the phone. Which was true, but I wanted to spend time with her and that was really the only way we could. I accidentally mentioned it was because I thought she was really cool and I wanted to get to know her more, and the distance sucked. She replied with one worded messages. So I left it at that and said good night. Surprisingly she's always been fast with responding to my messages, which is good. I haven't spoke to her since then, it's been 3 days now. I decided to just give her space and time for the dust to settle, and mostly for myself because I know I'm not over it either but I have been doing a lot better and taking back a healthier mindset the same one I had before going into the relationship, and developing it into a stronger one. My God do I miss her, I would love to have a second chance but I know not to get my hopes caught up in that. The temptation to just talk to her is overwhelming but I refuse to be that texting terrorist of an ex. The only time I want to pour fuel on anything would be on reconciling and rekindling. I don't know how to pinpoint how she feels towards me right now, I know that she still cares. Other than that, I don't know the full extent of her feelings. I believe that love doesn't dissipate that quickly.


After spending much needed time for myself and talking to my friends and family, they gave me a lot of insight. My best friend said that she sounds like she's confused and just leave it be, if she wants to talk to you then she we will. The general consensus was that they think that she's still caught up on her emotions and doesn't know what she wants, and was insecure in the relationship. She didn't really apologize or talk about what she did wrong in the relationship, at least not on the same multitude as me. I just hate waking up thinking about and missing her, because my heart is being a brat to me. All I can do now is just work on changing my mindset, not blaming myself, and not subject myself to mind games or breadcrumbs. Granted it's only been less than a month since our breakup but I can definitely feel myself getting stronger, yeah they'll be set backs but I can get back up again, and again haha. God I was just a gross sobbing mess, I didn't eat or sleep and I looked at myself in the mirror and was like "where did the 10 go? Right now I'm feeling like a 4." I'm mostly more upset with myself, because I lost myself in the relationship, went above and beyond for this girl but I don't regret any of it. Although, I could've been more cognizant when it came to some of the red flags....Anyways it is what it is, life doesn't stop neither should I.


Thank you for reading my long, dry dilemma. Let me know what you guys think, and I appreciate any tips or advice.

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The hard fact is that instead of trying every possible way to improve things, she didn't care enough to stick around. And then when she's asked to be friends, but then becomes flirty, she doesn't care how you feel when she's batting around your heart like a cat with its toy mouse. Staying friend with an ex prevents closure, and causes problems in the next relationship, just like when she read messages from your ex.


Some people believe it's okay. I've never wanted to stay friends with an ex. I have enough friends, and I think it's disrespectful for my present partner. Most people live busy lives and have a limited amount of time and emotional energy to give to people. I choose not to give any of it to exes and I expect the same from my partner. Those are our boundaries and it's worked well for us.


Do what's best for yourself, and since you're struggling now, I don't think what you're doing is working. Time to move on and leave your past where it belongs. Take care.

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Thank you, for your input. I think due to lack of relationship experience on both ends, there was a lack of maturity and understanding. As for the friend situation, I decided to give myself space and distance because I know it's going to hurt me if I decided to stick around and hope that one day she'd take me back because it's incredibly unrealistic. If she did decide to contact me, I would have to tell her not to contact me unless it was about reconciling. Until then I cannot be her friend unless the romantic feelings dissipated completely, by the time that happens the possibility of being friends is more plausible.


When she was reading through my messages, I told her that it was from a girl that I was once interested in a year ago and she didn't have anything to worry about. She was still upset about it, of course. I once shared the same sentiments about being friends with exes and what not but my opinion has changed considerably since then. I truly believe you can be friends with an ex only after long periods of time, and the feelings are long dead and gone. As for the respect of your partner(s) I agree, to an extent.

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