Should I message her again? Or leave her alone, possibly forever.

[wis]

But if you think about it, she is not with "someone else". She is with "someone". She barely was WITH you - you dated 12 weeks. You weren't boyfriend/girlfriend. So its not like you were together 10 years and now she is "with another man". I strongly recommend counseling to get some perspective. Relationships that only occur in one's head or are one side for the most part are something that needs to be addressed. Healing will come in time.

 

I am considering counseling if it doesn't get better soon. My heart has been racing for the last few days and I can't take much more.

It's not only the fact that she's with someone but that I missed my chance. It's just so hard to accept. Regret is one of the worst feelings. I keep wondering "what if" and think of how it could be.

[abitbroken]

I am considering counseling if it doesn't get better soon. My heart has been racing for the last few days and I can't take much more.

It's not only the fact that she's with someone but that I missed my chance. It's just so hard to accept. Regret is one of the worst feelings. I keep wondering "what if" and think of how it could be.

 

You should consider it anyhow, so you don't repeat the same way. Also, sometimes there is no chance to miss. Some people are just not a match. Its not like you and a woman chatted on a train and she didn't know you well enough to accept your number, but she told you to meet her tomorrow at the same place and time and you decided that you wanted to hang out with your buddy instead and you were three hours late - that's a missed chance. Knowing someone for quite awhile, even from afar, and then dating them for three months was not a "missed Chance" -- you took the chance - it happened - but it just didn't work out. you guys were not a match/not on the same wavelength/not compatible. you just didn't click. Its not about you missing a chance. You can't hammer a square peg into a round hole.

[wis]

You should consider it anyhow, so you don't repeat the same way. Also, sometimes there is no chance to miss. Some people are just not a match. Its not like you and a woman chatted on a train and she didn't know you well enough to accept your number, but she told you to meet her tomorrow at the same place and time and you decided that you wanted to hang out with your buddy instead and you were three hours late - that's a missed chance. Knowing someone for quite awhile, even from afar, and then dating them for three months was not a "missed Chance" -- you took the chance - it happened - but it just didn't work out. you guys were not a match/not on the same wavelength/not compatible. you just didn't click. Its not about you missing a chance. You can't hammer a square peg into a round hole.

 

But I don't think you understand. The way I was around her is the way I am around EVERYONE who is not immediate family. It had noting to do with me and her being compatible unless I'm incompatible with the entire human race (which is possible). I've been out with other girls and the same thing happened every time. Which is why I need help. But I do believe we could have been compatible if I had gotten help sooner.

[No1]

So when you meet these girls and you talk to them, at some point you start developing feelings for them. Like more than friends. When that happens, what is your greatest fear? What prevents you from crossing that line? Fear of change? Fear of rejection?

[wis]

So when you meet these girls and you talk to them, at some point you start developing feelings for them. Like more than friends. When that happens, what is your greatest fear? What prevents you from crossing that line? Fear of change? Fear of rejection?

 

I guess it's fear of rejection. I didn't want things to be weird if she didn't like me that way. I didn't know things would end up being bad anyway. I thought by not telling her we would always at least remain friends. But she could tell that I liked her anyway and just saw me as weak because I didn't say anything.

This is actually the first girl that I definitely wanted as a girlfriend and lost the chance. Other girls I have never felt 100% about. And then stopped liking after a month or two. There has only been one other that I liked this much and she was never sure if she wanted me or another guy. I don't have the best luck.

[electricorchid]

Dont contact her. If you apologized to her leave it at that. Things happen for a reason, understand that you may be stuck on thinking about her now but maybe there another great girl out there whose waiting to meet the you that youve become now in this moment. I know heartbreak hurts but i dont suggest sending her that note or any of that.

 

When i broke up with my last boyfriend, my friends kept pulling me back telling me not to give him anything to not message him and i cant tell you how much relief i feel now that i didnt pour my heart out anymore than i did. Because he didnt care and i saw that little by little as the months went on.

 

Im going to give the same advice to you. Move on.. i know its hard but keep an openmind

[wis]

Dont contact her. If you apologized to her leave it at that. Things happen for a reason, understand that you may be stuck on thinking about her now but maybe there another great girl out there whose waiting to meet the you that youve become now in this moment. I know heartbreak hurts but i dont suggest sending her that note or any of that.

 

When i broke up with my last boyfriend, my friends kept pulling me back telling me not to give him anything to not message him and i cant tell you how much relief i feel now that i didnt pour my heart out anymore than i did. Because he didnt care and i saw that little by little as the months went on.

 

Im going to give the same advice to you. Move on.. i know its hard but keep an openmind

 

That is true. When I tried getting closure in the past it only pushed them further away. Not that that is possible at this point. Although she hasn't unfriended/unfollowed or blocked me anywhere yet.

As pitiful as it sounds I still sometimes have to hope she changes her mind. It's the only thing that gives me any relief. My heart literally hurts from racing all day and I'm so tired of waking up panicking at night when I think of how I could have done things differently. Unisom is sort of helpful too though...

[abitbroken]

That is true. When I tried getting closure in the past it only pushed them further away. Not that that is possible at this point. Although she hasn't unfriended/unfollowed or blocked me anywhere yet.

As pitiful as it sounds I still sometimes have to hope she changes her mind. It's the only thing that gives me any relief. My heart literally hurts from racing all day and I'm so tired of waking up panicking at night when I think of how I could have done things differently. Unisom is sort of helpful too though...

 

if someone breaks up with you and says "this isn't working" you already have closure. She was very clear why she broke up with you. You are just in denial. If you have panic attacks because someone broke up with you after 12 weeks of dating, you need professional help. If someone left a 20 year marriage, that's one thing, but 12 weeks?? Please seek professional help

[wis]

if someone breaks up with you and says "this isn't working" you already have closure. She was very clear why she broke up with you. You are just in denial. If you have panic attacks because someone broke up with you after 12 weeks of dating, you need professional help. If someone left a 20 year marriage, that's one thing, but 12 weeks?? Please seek professional help

 

I assume you have no emotions. You must have never deeply liked someone to not even be able to imagine it being difficult.

But I know I'm the complete opposite and have something wrong with me, and I am seeking help.

[eidetic]

Even if your dating time with this person may have been relatively short, it sounds like you did some really enjoyable things together. So I would ask, what do you want in a partner, or in a partnership? Do you want or need a partner who is comfortable with your quietness in conversation? Or do you want or need a partner who is able to draw you out, conversationally? Or, do you want and need both?

 

It's easy to fall deep for someone we like, when there's been a lot of time between such connections. I understand what you say about being attracted to only very few people. What I'll say about it is that there are more people out there for you than you presently think. You just have to make yourself available in some way, so that you meet them and you recognize each other. It also sounds like you are most comfortable in one to one conversations? or with known and proven connections. But there may be something to traveling outside your known places and people groups. This can be anything from traveling to a new city or country, or taking a class, or several. Whatever you can do to be in a place where there is a mix of other people (men and women) with whom you may have something in common, and that people around you are discussing.

 

One of the ways that we get comfortable sharing out loud with other people, is just to do it. And not everyone has to be effusive or engaging all the time. People do enjoy quiet, or to be asked about who they are, and let to talk about themselves and what they like, what they dream of, what they're doing or want to do in life. But it's important to notice whether you want to be asked those things too, and given room to tell who you are, or if some part of you honestly prefers to stay quiet and feels OK that way.

 

Not everyone is meant to be or wants to be a stunning conversationalist. And being one is not a prerequisite to love. You can be loved as much for the things you do, the gifts you give, the time you spend, the way you touch -- and the fact that words you do say, and your listening, are respectful, responsible, true, and kind. You do need to communicate; we all do. But what you are self negating about in the time you spent with this one woman, may not even exist in a future relationship with somebody else.

 

You will be attracted to someone else someday. Keep smiling, and keep your eyes open, and practice a little bit, conversing lately with anyone in your daily interactions. You may find yourself incrementally opening up over time, and as well, you may just find the person to whom you are deeply attracted and with whom you have a chemistry in which your dialogue naturally flows.

 

Some couples love each other very much and almost never speak at all. And some may be very talkative at some points and then silent together for days, no harm no foul -- just quietly together. Often it's not completely about a person's tendency to speak a lot (or not); it's about natural rhythms that ebb and flow. Life gets in the way of words, sometimes. And it's nice when we are paired with someone who understands that, and is able to be just quiet with us and we still both know that we love and are loved.

 

Don't despair or think that the recent experience is the last one or the best one you'll have. Think of it as an example of what you are looking for in love. See what worked and what did not, what you liked and what maybe you didn't like. Because what you truly want and like will be what determines how you approach the next opportunity.

 

Someone will love you even for the traits that you are currently questioning. Do what you can to improve your relational skills to a level that *you* set, and see how that works. But know that what didn't work for the woman you just dated may actually be reasonable and attractive to a different person. Does that make sense?

[wis]

eidetic,

To a point, yes it makes sense. But everyone that I've seen has eventually lost interest because I wasn't able to make enough conversation. It's only because they were interested in me and wanted to know me, but that can't happen if I don't talk enough. This girl I believe is even attracted to quieter guys, and I was too quiet for her... So it is something that definitely needs to change. I know there are some people who are more fitting than others. But I was pitiful and didn't put in any effort. I can't even believe myself when I think back, it's still so frustrating.

 

I guess what is best is when someone acts like they don't know I'm quiet or shy. That's the best way to interact with someone who has trouble talking more. When they treat you like a normal person it makes you feel like a normal person. Getting me out of my shell has always taken a lot of patience, something I don't think anyone has that much of.

 

Another part that makes it worse is that I was just improving. She invited me to her church 7 months ago. That's where we first met up. I had been going to that church since, and have recently started to make other friends, and even started to speak up in a group. I wanted to get more involved in other ways too. But all of that was for naught because it hurts to much to go there anymore. I really just don't understand life, when I don't put in effort I fail but when I try I also get nowhere.

[No1]

wis..

 

Rejection can be taken in several ways. I have yet to meet anyone that likes rejection. However, you can let rejection defeat you or encourage you. Look at the movies like Star Wars or ET. They were rejected 15 times before getting the green light. Even our greatests books were rejected several times before finding a publisher.

Perhaps rather than looking at rejection as absolute. Look at it as an opportunity for someone else to discover who you are. If a girl says no. Thats fine, someone else will say yes and see who you are.

[wis]

wis..

 

Rejection can be taken in several ways. I have yet to meet anyone that likes rejection. However, you can let rejection defeat you or encourage you. Look at the movies like Star Wars or ET. They were rejected 15 times before getting the green light. Even our greatests books were rejected several times before finding a publisher.

Perhaps rather than looking at rejection as absolute. Look at it as an opportunity for someone else to discover who you are. If a girl says no. Thats fine, someone else will say yes and see who you are.

 

This isn't so much to do with rejection. I regret that I didn't say and do the things that I should have, even though I knew I wanted her more than anything.

She used to come over and talk for a minute every week after church, this was after she "broke up" with me. Even then I was so much better at talking to her. Too bad she never actually gave me another chance.

[No1]

You didn't say anything out of fear of rejection. If you had no fear, then you would of said something. (more likely)

 

She gave you plenty of chances. Why should she give you 'another' chance? She still talks to you after your 'break up' and have you told her how you really feel?

[wis]

You didn't say anything out of fear of rejection. If you had no fear, then you would of said something. (more likely)

 

She gave you plenty of chances. Why should she give you 'another' chance? She still talks to you after your 'break up' and have you told her how you really feel?

 

Yes, I told her after she "broke up" with me. I was going to tell her on Valentines Day because I thought it would be special, but she rejected my offer for a ride (for a legitimate reason, which I learned later), and it seemed like she didn't like me as much after that, so I didn't try again. I wish I had told her this when we "broke up", but I was shocked and didn't say a lot of things that I wanted to that day...

All I would have needed to do was break the ice and say something. Because every day I saw her after that it was fairly easy to talk to her, or to let her know how I felt about things, it was just too late. I hate regret! I have been so bold only since she gave me the wake up call.

 

Also, I've been avoiding her so much that I stopped going to the church she goes to even though I've been going there for 7 months.. If there's one in a thousand chance that she would start to see a difference in me and possibly warm up to me would it be better if I bit the bullet and went again, and to the study too, and actually speak up when it's time instead of leaving her life completely? I want to go for my own benefit too but feel that she wants me completely gone (plus it hurts to see her). A few weeks ago though she was still encouraging me to go.

I'm also good at semi-convincing myself that she doesn't have a boyfriend or that it didn't work out between them. I know, I need help. I'm going to call a counseling place back this afternoon.

[FLWriter]

if someone breaks up with you and says "this isn't working" you already have closure. She was very clear why she broke up with you. You are just in denial. If you have panic attacks because someone broke up with you after 12 weeks of dating, you need professional help. If someone left a 20 year marriage, that's one thing, but 12 weeks?? Please seek professional help

 

I had a gf, who broke with me and for who I'm still suffering a lot, who had panic attacks because after 2,5 months I told her that I was not so involved yet and I needed more time to spend together for considering an official engagement (it was a LDR). After that everything got worse and she went away.

[No1]

You don't need help, you just need to accept what happened and learn from it. Seems to me you keep focusing on the past and what you could have done to change what is happening now. You cant change it. You had your chance and you blew it. Its okay, it happens, we are human. If you say you hate regret, then just accept you made mistakes and you do not make them with the next girl you meet.

 

Its is that simple and doesn't have to be complex at all. Once you forgive yourself, once you accept and let go of the situation. You can move on.