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I'm so torn and tortured by this relationship


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Dated bf over 4 years after losing my husband of 27 years. I was a mess the first 2 years dating bf but he pulled me through it and I knew him for 25 years before and he knew my husband as well.

 

I've always wanted 1 man to ultimately marry. After the 2nd year I learned of bf lying including his finances. Turns out he has no savings and didn't earn much. I have a great job, nice home and good amount of savings but need to take care of myself and my 2 children.

 

He is 65 and I'm almost 60. There is great passion despite the turmoil.

 

After learning of his lies I broke up with him a few times but somehow we reconciled. During the breakups I met another man who is wonderful, financially stable and loving but there isn't lots of passion.

 

I know I need someone who is financially responsible and settled and my prior bf now says he will get a job and then wants to marry me quickly and move in my house. I know he really loves me and wants to spend his life with me but I'm so scared he will be a financial responsibity and that would tear me apart.

 

Should I finally break it off? I can't go on this way...I feel like I'm losing my mind!

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SoConfused. Do not, please, do not let this man move into your home. He is trying to railroad you, and is evidently irresponsible. He knows you have a good job, nice home and your savings, and he knows you will keep him. It would be a nightmare.

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These are not the only two men in the world who could be potential partners to you. You have to keep cutting men loose who do not meet ALL of your main needs. See if they have any meet up groups in your area for singles in your age group (meetups.com) It's a stress-free way to get together and have fun with people enjoying an activity, and allows you to meet a boatload of men, one of whom might be a better match for you. Another good way would be to take ballroom dance classes or tango. You might be pleasantly surprised to find out that in your area, they might have weekly dances in your area. I know in my area they do. A group class usually happens before the dance for people to hone their skills, and you don't need to bring a partner. There are usually many men there and people don't stick with one partner, as it's best to dance with a variety of people.

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He's not going to change after you two get married. Do not marry his debts, but you will if you marry!

 

My dad is a stock market gambler that has lost millions and millions, and will find ways to get money to gamble even today. He sold off my mom's life insurance secretly and his 401K. If he's lying about something now, he will lie again.

 

RULE 1: YOU DO NOT HAVE TO MARRY EVERY GUY YOU SLEEP WITH. Just because this guy is a liar, and the next guy doesn't stir your libido, does not mean you have to choose either of them. Choose neither of them. There is plenty of fish in the sea, even at your age. Don't settle for someone that will put you in the poor house, or bore you to tears.

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Maybe it's better not to choose any of those men. One because he is a liar and will only cause you financial trouble and wants to use you. Besides, your family comes first. The other one because he doesn't excite you. Sometimes we forget that we have more options than one man or the other. There's another option that is called "not settling and preferring to be alone than with people that are not good for us or that are not what we are looking for".

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After learning of his lies I broke up with him a few times but somehow we reconciled.

 

Ehm...no. The reconciliations didn't just happen 'somehow' or 'to you,' you were an active participant and made deliberate choices to overlook the fact that the guy lied to you. Now you're conflicted because you can't trust him.

 

So what's to be confused about? He's already proven that he's not trustworthy.

 

During the breakups I met another man who is wonderful, financially stable and loving but there isn't lots of passion.

 

So skip him. That doesn't mean you need to settle for the other guy.

 

I know I need someone who is ...

 

No, you don't. You don't 'need' anybody, and unless and until you recognize that, you'll always seek love through neediness--which gives you lousy judgment.

 

You've got 2 kids. Why not model for them the kind of independence you'll want them to adopt, instead of teaching them to use neediness as a driver for choosing your love life over their stability?

 

Should I finally break it off? I can't go on this way...I feel like I'm losing my mind!

 

Of course. What's the point in staying with a liar? Your kids are dependent upon you to use good judgment and not bring any shady men into THEIR home, where they have no choice in the matter. Focus on building a good relationship with THEM. Teach them how to trust and feel safe with you and your judgment, and model confidence in making good choices as they mature.

 

Putting kids first is something parents need to DO, not 'say'. Bringing a man into your kids' home destabilizes them. It positions them to compete for your attention and feel betrayed by you for allowing a man to invade their only private and safe place from the world.

 

You might view your kids as cooperative with such a bad choice--at first. Soon you'll wonder why they act out and resent you. You'll harm your relationship with them long into the future if you opt to operate on neediness instead of address that with a therapist and pursue a healthy foundation for dating in the future, AFTER you've stabilized enough to make GOOD choices.

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Confused.

 

Same replies as above apply to what you ask here:

 

"If a bf who is 64 has very little money and is temporarily unemployed is it go without saying that he is using his gf who is a professional making good money with a nice home etc? He wants to marry her as soon as he gets a job and constantly tells her how wonderful she is and how much he will always love her and her children. How do you know the truth?"

 

You are well aware of the truth, OP.

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Well, you know the guy. He's lied to you multiple times. He is financially irresponsible in his 60s - let that sink in please - he's in his 60s and has refused to learn to manage his finances and/or keep a job. And now that he thinks he's going to lose a potential money pot and roof over his head suddenly he's "telling" you he'll get a job and oh he loves you oh so much.

 

Tell you what, if you're that hungry for companionship and love then it's really simple. Admit the guy's a liar and you will never know if he is or isn't telling you the truth. Then you go and get a prenup done, a really good one iron clad with no wiggle room that he will get anything out of the deal and your kids will get everything - the house, the jewels, etc. should anything 'happen" to you. You inventory all of your possessions, put in writing who gets what, tell the kids and give them a written document on what they get. Then you take this guy and your kids and you all have a meeting with your attorney. You make him sign everything in front of multiple witnesses and your attorney and your kids that he has fore sworn every single iota of money you have or possessions or anything. And you let him know you've hired an accountant who will go over the books every single month to make sure no money is missing, that this guy is not misuing his or your money. And you enforce it. And then you tell him now he can marry you since you're secure he can't or won't use you for money. Oh, and put a clause in there that one lie about so much as a paper cut even gets him out of the house and barred from everything and your life forevermore.

 

This all of course after you do a serious background check to make sure there's no criminal past and he has no history of violence or threatening people, just in case you should "disappear" in the middle of the night. AND while we're at it, get him on a landlord/tenant month to month lease agreement, make him pay rent to you even if you're the wife, and be sure to understand what the laws are about eviction before the eventual inevitable blow up about money and needing to get him out.

 

If you go through all of that and he sticks with you then I guess it must be true love and maybe you can trust the guy not to send you to the poor house after taking your home, your possessions, and sticking your kids with a mountain of debt.

 

Oh, it's not romantic? It would be too much trouble? Then why are you entertaining a known liar with money issues to be allowed to have access to your savings, your home, your children in the first place?

 

SMH, go watch Judge Judy for a week and how many cases come up with exes owing each other money and being saddled with serious debt they didn't have if they'd just paid attention to red flags in the first place.

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Work on yourself and get rid of the idea you can't function with a man in your life. It will keep you out of these situations of either marrying someone who let's face facts IS using you for money and will, happily. Or settling for some other guy you don't feel anything for. It's fine to want companionship, but not if it's to the point of placing yourself and your family at risk over who you let into your life. This is something most people don't get, but here's the honest truth - what you need even less than a man is anyone in your life who will make things worse for you and the other people in your life you love. And that's what you need to base these things on - does this person make my life better or worse. WILL they make my life better or worse.

 

And not to be cruel, but I had to spend three years cleaning up my mother's messes, because she was so hungry to have a man in her life she'd let men defraud her to the point she was eating one meal a day and not using heat or electricity in her house, because she couldn't afford it over the fancy "lunches" and goodies she kept buying for any man who would ask for it. She would have lost her home altogether if it were not for the fact it was in such a sad state or repair and in an undesirable area, so no one wanted it. Even so I caught one "male friend" of hers trying to get her to sign over the deed to him.

 

She's doing well now, because I got wind of it all and rode in to the rescue, but the blunt truth is my mother would have died in squalor or ended up in a state nursing home with nothing (and we know these places aren't good ones okay, just go take a look if you doubt that) if she hadn't had kids to help her. Her male companions/lovers/whatever the hell you want to call them left my beautiful mother in debt to the tune of $75,000. Prior to my dad's death she had a beautiful home paid for, savings, and a lot of nice assets. That all went bye-bye, because she like you looked the other way on red flags.

 

If she didn't live with me she'd have nothing and it breaks my heart. I had to go to court five times to fight the vultures off of her. And this is a woman on a limited income too, not someone who was rich. She was comfortably well off though, before the vulture con artists got at her and she hid this from her kids.

 

So please take my advice and reexamine your own life and who you have in it, because ending up in a state nursing home with nothing or so broke you can't afford heat just because you feel you needed "love" is a really crappy way to end up. And that's where guys like this one (or women too, I've seen this done to men as well) can land you.

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I want to thank everyone who shared their advice.

I did omit something in my ex bf's history - the reason he is broke is because he was convicted of check kiting 11 years ago and lost all of his assets and his business - went to prison for a year as well.

If this changes your advice, I'd really appreciate hearing from you!

Thanks again.

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I want to thank everyone who shared their advice.

I did omit something in my ex bf's history - the reason he is broke is because he was convicted of check kiting 11 years ago and lost all of his assets and his business - went to prison for a year as well.

If this changes your advice, I'd really appreciate hearing from you!

Thanks again.

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I want to thank everyone who shared their advice.

I did omit something in my ex bf's history - the reason he is broke is because he was convicted of check kiting 11 years ago and lost all of his assets and his business - went to prison for a year as well.

If this changes your advice, I'd really appreciate hearing from you!

Thanks again.

 

No, it makes my initial concerns STRONGER. Why are you trying to rationalize hooking up with scam artist and bringing him onto your home with your kids?

 

THINK.

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OMG SoConfused. This makes me SO concerned. Please keep away from this person, and he is unfortunately a scam artist and he WILL live off you (if you let him).

 

You can do better that this, OP.

 

 

NOOO.

 

my prior bf now says he will get a job and then wants to marry me quickly and move in my house. I know he really loves me and wants to spend his life with me but I'm so scared he will be a financial responsibity and that would tear me apart.

 

I bet he wants to marry you "quickly" before you actually start thinking with your head. You are so right to be scared. Your gut is warning you....

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Ehm...no. The reconciliations didn't just happen 'somehow' or 'to you,' you were an active participant and made deliberate choices to overlook the fact that the guy lied to you. Now you're conflicted because you can't trust him.

 

So what's to be confused about? He's already proven that he's not trustworthy.

 

 

 

So skip him. That doesn't mean you need to settle for the other guy.

 

 

 

No, you don't. You don't 'need' anybody, and unless and until you recognize that, you'll always seek love through neediness--which gives you lousy judgment.

 

You've got 2 kids. Why not model for them the kind of independence you'll want them to adopt, instead of teaching them to use neediness as a driver for choosing your love life over their stability?

 

 

 

Of course. What's the point in staying with a liar? Your kids are dependent upon you to use good judgment and not bring any shady men into THEIR home, where they have no choice in the matter. Focus on building a good relationship with THEM. Teach them how to trust and feel safe with you and your judgment, and model confidence in making good choices as they mature.

 

Putting kids first is something parents need to DO, not 'say'. Bringing a man into your kids' home destabilizes them. It positions them to compete for your attention and feel betrayed by you for allowing a man to invade their only private and safe place from the world.

 

You might view your kids as cooperative with such a bad choice--at first. Soon you'll wonder why they act out and resent you. You'll harm your relationship with them long into the future if you opt to operate on neediness instead of address that with a therapist and pursue a healthy foundation for dating in the future, AFTER you've stabilized enough to make GOOD choices.

 

Great advice!!!

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Well, you know the guy. He's lied to you multiple times. He is financially irresponsible in his 60s - let that sink in please - he's in his 60s and has refused to learn to manage his finances and/or keep a job. And now that he thinks he's going to lose a potential money pot and roof over his head suddenly he's "telling" you he'll get a job and oh he loves you oh so much.

 

Tell you what, if you're that hungry for companionship and love then it's really simple. Admit the guy's a liar and you will never know if he is or isn't telling you the truth. Then you go and get a prenup done, a really good one iron clad with no wiggle room that he will get anything out of the deal and your kids will get everything - the house, the jewels, etc. should anything 'happen" to you. You inventory all of your possessions, put in writing who gets what, tell the kids and give them a written document on what they get. Then you take this guy and your kids and you all have a meeting with your attorney. You make him sign everything in front of multiple witnesses and your attorney and your kids that he has fore sworn every single iota of money you have or possessions or anything. And you let him know you've hired an accountant who will go over the books every single month to make sure no money is missing, that this guy is not misuing his or your money. And you enforce it. And then you tell him now he can marry you since you're secure he can't or won't use you for money. Oh, and put a clause in there that one lie about so much as a paper cut even gets him out of the house and barred from everything and your life forevermore.

 

This all of course after you do a serious background check to make sure there's no criminal past and he has no history of violence or threatening people, just in case you should "disappear" in the middle of the night. AND while we're at it, get him on a landlord/tenant month to month lease agreement, make him pay rent to you even if you're the wife, and be sure to understand what the laws are about eviction before the eventual inevitable blow up about money and needing to get him out.

 

If you go through all of that and he sticks with you then I guess it must be true love and maybe you can trust the guy not to send you to the poor house after taking your home, your possessions, and sticking your kids with a mountain of debt.

 

Oh, it's not romantic? It would be too much trouble? Then why are you entertaining a known liar with money issues to be allowed to have access to your savings, your home, your children in the first place?

 

SMH, go watch Judge Judy for a week and how many cases come up with exes owing each other money and being saddled with serious debt they didn't have if they'd just paid attention to red flags in the first place.

 

More great advice!

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I want to thank everyone who shared their advice.

I did omit something in my ex bf's history - the reason he is broke is because he was convicted of check kiting 11 years ago and lost all of his assets and his business - went to prison for a year as well.

If this changes your advice, I'd really appreciate hearing from you!

Thanks again.

 

I don't know what check kiting is (English is not my mother tongue), but I can imagine that this makes matters worse and one more reason to ditch the guy.

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I want to thank everyone who shared their advice.

I did omit something in my ex bf's history - the reason he is broke is because he was convicted of check kiting 11 years ago and lost all of his assets and his business - went to prison for a year as well.

If this changes your advice, I'd really appreciate hearing from you!

Thanks again.

 

It makes him an even poorer prospect. Good grief, girl, he is a convicted felon. Be done with this loser!!'

 

Why is this okay for you? He has shown you his character, yet you are exposing your kids, yourself and your finances to this con artist. Don't get it!!

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"Check kiting is a form of check fraud, involving taking advantage of the float to make use of non-existent funds in a checking or other bank account. In this way, instead of being used as a negotiable instrument, checks are misused as a form of unauthorized credit."

 

Keep away from him, OP.

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"Check kiting is a form of check fraud, involving taking advantage of the float to make use of non-existent funds in a checking or other bank account. In this way, instead of being used as a negotiable instrument, checks are misused as a form of unauthorized credit."

 

Keep away from him, OP.

 

Thanks. I couldn't check at the moment.

 

So he really is a con artist. Avoid at all costs.

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This guy is a no no. An absolute no no. He is undoubtedly using you and you WILL end up supporting him, or paying him off with half of your everything when you divorce.

Don't bother with the unexciting guy either. He's a better bet than the marriage proposal, but not much better. No body wants to live out their days bored and unexcited.

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