Women, or men. Advice please. Girl I like finally hung out, made out..but got bf

[sleeplessinusa]

Long story short..

 

I work in a big building and there's also restaurants and stuff in it .. including this bar that I regularly frequent after a work day. I always thought the girl that works there was pretty but never really pursued anything before , just a quick hello and such...

 

But within last month or so I've stayed longer to have a few drinks and things got a lil more flirtatious. I started getting more attracted to her.

 

Then last Saturday I casually asked after she gets out of work let's hang out and get drinks somewhere else. She agrees , fun flirtatious night with food and drinks etc ..... ended up walking up to her apartment door and heavy makeout session with some second base action boobs etc.. she then says she gotta go.

 

Didn't talk or see her since, so Thursday comes and I go into the bar early in the day and say "hey wasup hanging out with me tonight right? " ..

she replies " no can't gotta work late I got my says mixed up thought I could but can't "

I reply okay cool grab a drink and said I'll see her later.

 

After my work shift I go into bar and grab a beer and ask again if she could come out in a fun way..

she now replies with " well I told the bf I'm seeing what happened with us last week and he's not happy and I Just can't drink with you "

 

I go well when's next time you're free to hang out and she replies she can't.

 

So I stay friendly and flirtatious. Since I go there everyday I'd be weird if I didn't keep on going so I went Friday and sat, we still chat about random stuff and friendly smiling laughing etc ...

 

 

But enotalone community lemme ask you.. and obviously your replies will mostly be leave her alone etc she got a bf etc..

 

1. But realisticallly did I up by asking her to hang out twice in same day , would I be in a better position if I just asked her once and she said she can't because of work and then leave it at that. Would she even mention The bf later on?

 

2.Do you think she would've even brought up the bf if I just asked once

 

3. Why bring up the bf now

 

4. Do you believe she told her bf .. (she does have a bf , someone told me afterwards)

 

5.do I continue to go in and be normal or go in and get your drink and get out?

 

6. What's the best way to regain attraction to make her interested in me.

 

7. Or is it over

[Careerchoice]

This community will universally tell you to leave that girl alone. I will not give you that advice.

 

I don't believe you asking her out twice in the same day will change the ultimate outcome of this situation. It sounds like you were cool about it.

 

There are a few different reasons a girl will bring up having a boyfriend. In some cases, she's letting you know she's not interested. In other she will be testing your reaction. In other cases she will let you know so that she can absolve herself of the blame for hooking up with you. In your case, I sense it's a test. Obviously she is not into her boyfriend.

 

I doubt she told her boyfriend. That would close him off as an option.

 

I would keep doing exactly what you've been doing. If you can talk to some other girls in front of her, that would also help your cause, especially if you can get them interested in you.

 

I definitely wouldn't give up.

 

The entire ENA board is going to flame me now lol.

[HeartGoesOn]

She has a boyfriend. Anything else is a moot point.

 

Give it up...

[Capricorn3]

The way I see it, she's certainly no prize. Messing around with other guys behind her boyfriend's back. UGH. Nothing impressive about a cheater but if you think that's cool, it says more about you, imo.

[Snny]

This community will universally tell you to leave that girl alone.

Because this community is a Relationship Advice Forum. We aren't going to advise people to disrespect someone else's relationship. We do not condone cheating, nor accept it as a solution to someone's problem. Flirting, making out, and fondling some taken girl's titties are disrespectful to her relationship with her boyfriend no matter what her behavior says.

 

 

The fact is that she's got a boyfriend. If she wants to be with you, she needs to break up with him. Otherwise, avoid her and find another woman who is available. She is only invested in the attention she seeks, and you may end up getting hurt if she keeps the boyfriend around. So no, not worth the drama.

[ThatwasThen]

Look ahead to the near future: She's dumped her boyfriend and is now going out with you because you followed the one persons advice that told you what you wanted to hear... You're now the boyfriend and a new guy is coming in and flirting with her. She tells him she has a boyfriend and then allows him to feel her boobs and half/arse make out with her.

 

Poor you.

 

Dude: This chick has very poor romantic relationship boundaries and those with poor romantic relationship boundaries more times then not, continue to make poor choices like the one she made with you.

[sleeplessinusa]

This community will universally tell you to leave that girl alone. I will not give you that advice.

 

I don't believe you asking her out twice in the same day will change the ultimate outcome of this situation. It sounds like you were cool about it.

 

There are a few different reasons a girl will bring up having a boyfriend. In some cases, she's letting you know she's not interested. In other she will be testing your reaction. In other cases she will let you know so that she can absolve herself of the blame for hooking up with you. In your case, I sense it's a test. Obviously she is not into her boyfriend.

 

I doubt she told her boyfriend. That would close him off as an option.

 

I would keep doing exactly what you've been doing. If you can talk to some other girls in front of her, that would also help your cause, especially if you can get them interested in you.

 

I definitely wouldn't give up.

 

The entire ENA board is going to flame me now lol.

 

 

 

Hey thank you I appreciate your in depth reply and I actually appreciate everyone's reply honestly . I really didn't expect anyone to take the time to reply with more than a few words but you guys are appreciated ...

 

Yeah I mean I essentially was beating myself up for going in asking her more than once to chill after work even if it was a friendly way... i follow a relationship coach Corey wayne so I thought I was breaking a basic principle of if a girl says she can't , leave it at that...

 

But then again while we were making out heavy at the other bar and then again in front of her apartment a few nights before , feeling her up and hand action , we made plans to hang out after work the Thursday I went in.

 

After she denied going out with me again, she still smiled and talked and flirtatious things like letting me feed her bar snacks etc ...

 

but I go in there frequently since I started working in the building since they sell other stuff like pastries, soda etc ..

 

But maybe she wouldn't have mentioned a bf if I just played it a lot cooler by just never even going back into her work for a while ?

 

Did I show too much weakness and interests?

 

Keep going on a regular schedule and just be nice without flirtatious or not go that often now

 

I mean I def assumed Enotalone community was gonna just say move on move on.. I posted a few months back about an ex and it was the same "move on move on"

 

But I was thinking maybe we can get a reply with an in depth mindset or psychology of what was happening or what can happen etc

[Careerchoice]

Because this community is a Relationship Advice Forum. We aren't going to advise people to disrespect someone else's relationship. We do not condone cheating, nor accept it as a solution to someone's problem. Flirting, making out, and fondling some taken girl's titties are disrespectful to her relationship with her boyfriend no matter what her behavior says.

 

I don't make people's moral decision for them. On that tangent, I find nothing immoral about being the other man. The obligation to stay faithful exists between the parties in the relationship. It doesn't extend beyond it.

 

And this forum is not limited to issues regarding existing relationships. A specific category is dedicated to "Dating", with several subcategories.

[Careerchoice]

Yeah I mean I essentially was beating myself up for going in asking her more than once to chill after work even if it was a friendly way... i follow a relationship coach Corey wayne so I thought I was breaking a basic principle of if a girl says she can't , leave it at that...

 

I have surveyed that guy's material and I find it to be rather narrow minded and ham fisted. Different guys have different issues and need different advice. To some crazy guy who doesn't know when to quit, I would tell him he may need to lay off at a certain point. But to a normal guy who is timid and gives up quickly, I would tell him to hang in there a bit more and act a little more entitled. Especially with more attractive girls, they get hit on so often that you have to persist a bit in order to get her to see a glimpse of the real you.

 

After she denied going out with me again, she still smiled and talked and flirtatious things like letting me feed her bar snacks etc ...

 

but I go in there frequently since I started working in the building since they sell other stuff like pastries, soda etc ..

 

Still good signs. Do you get friendzoned a lot? Do girls have a history of leading you on? Do you fixate on one girl for long periods of time? If not, you have nothing to worry about by continuing to pursue her.

 

But maybe she wouldn't have mentioned a bf if I just played it a lot cooler by just never even going back into her work for a while ?

 

Did I show too much weakness and interests?

 

This in an issue I am working through right now and this is the advice I've learned. Showing interest is not a sign of weakness if it comes from a high value place. If you are a high value guy, it will come from the right place and you can do things like give a lot of compliments, call often, see her a lot, etc.

 

Keep going on a regular schedule and just be nice without flirtatious or not go that often now

 

I'd keep up the flirting. I'd keep going in to see her. I wouldn't dial back on the frequency too much.

 

I mean I def assumed Enotalone community was gonna just say move on move on.. I posted a few months back about an ex and it was the same "move on move on"

 

During the beginning stages of dating and after a break up are different times and require different advice. The community was fair with you on those threads.

[Capricorn3]

and you can do things like give a lot of compliments, call often, see her a lot, etc.

Speaking for myself only, I would find that incredibly annoying - kinda like a guy is showing way too much desperation with way too many compliments, too many calls, trying to impress too much. Ugh. It would make me head for the hills, but I'm weird that way.

[Birdie]

Regardless of the boyfriend situation, it seems she's giving you some pretty clear signs to back off and she's not interested.

 

I'd leave her alone. Respect her and her relationship.

[Careerchoice]

Speaking for myself only, I would find that incredibly annoying - kinda like a guy is showing way too much desperation with way too many compliments, too many calls, trying to impress too much. Ugh. It would make me head for the hills, but I'm weird that way.

 

As I said, these are things that can be done. It all depends on how highly the girl views the guy. Let's say you meet (insert male celebrity you have a crush on) and he compliments you a fair amount. You are not going to run for the hills, because you're already attracted to him (see him as a high value guy).

 

And I never said trying to impress was an option. I can't think of a scenario where that would make a guy look high value.

[Snny]

I don't make people's moral decision for them. On that tangent, I find nothing immoral about being the other man.

Very foolish. So you don't mind being a tool for some taken girl? So if she's mad at her boyfriend, then she'll try to USING him to get back at her boyfriend. Or how about he's investing all his time AND money taking her out, but she's still seeing the boyfriend and is STILL sleeping with him. Or maybe she is being a tease for her own mere enjoyment.

 

Either way, the OP is wasting time with her. She reaps the rewards and he gets very little back. That is the definition of a tool. He needs to find someone who can devote herself to him without the games.

[Careerchoice]

So you don't mind being a tool for some taken girl?

 

I would never let a girl manipulate me without my knowledge or getting anything in return, but I don't see the connection between sleeping with a taken girl and being her tool.

 

So if she's mad at her boyfriend, then she'll try to USING him to get back at her boyfriend.

 

I would certainly be okay with that. You negatively judge me for that. Being judgmental is more of a negative character trait in my book than being sleazy.

 

Or how about he's investing all his time AND money taking her out, but she's still seeing the boyfriend and is STILL sleeping with him.

 

I would never recommend to invest a lot of time and money on a girl at the beginning whether she's single or taken. This issue is tangent to OP's concerns anyway.

 

Or maybe she is being a tease for her own mere enjoyment.

 

Single girls do that too. No big deal, as a guy just notice it and work around it. Has nothing to do with the issue of sleeping with taken women.

 

Either way, the OP is wasting time with her.

 

How can you predict with any certainty how this will turn out?

 

She reaps the rewards and he gets very little back.

 

If he pays more attention to her and sleeps with her, it would seem like he invested very little and got a lot back.

 

That is the definition of a tool.

 

Investing a lot and getting little back in return would be being a tool, but there's no indication that's what's occurring here.

 

He needs to find someone who can devote herself to him without the games.

 

All girls play games, especially the attractive ones, and they do it for good reasons. Instead of bashing a large percent of women and searching for the unicorn, it makes more sense to learn how to respond to the games/tests properly.

[sleeplessinusa]

I have surveyed that guy's material and I find it to be rather narrow minded and ham fisted. Different guys have different issues and need different advice. To some crazy guy who doesn't know when to quit, I would tell him he may need to lay off at a certain point. But to a normal guy who is timid and gives up quickly, I would tell him to hang in there a bit more and act a little more entitled. Especially with more attractive girls, they get hit on so often that you have to persist a bit in order to get her to see a glimpse of the real you.

 

 

 

Still good signs. Do you get friendzoned a lot? Do girls have a history of leading you on? Do you fixate on one girl for long periods of time? If not, you have nothing to worry about by continuing to pursue her.

 

 

 

This in an issue I am working through right now and this is the advice I've learned. Showing interest is not a sign of weakness if it comes from a high value place. If you are a high value guy, it will come from the right place and you can do things like give a lot of compliments, call often, see her a lot, etc.

 

 

 

I'd keep up the flirting. I'd keep going in to see her. I wouldn't dial back on the frequency too much.

 

 

 

During the beginning stages of dating and after a break up are different times and require different advice. The community was fair with you on those threads.

 

 

Thank you I appreciate it I think you might be the only one that gets what I'm tryin to get at or say. I never said I wanted to be her new bf never said I was in love or wanting to marry her lol.

 

And I never feel like I'm wasting my time and money

Because

1.) I go there regularly anyway few times a week regardless and

2.) The place where she works, everyone in the building congregates to at the end of a work day. Drinks, snacks, meet etc. since it's a small place everyone kinda just knows each other. My persona from folks around here is that I do see myself as high value, not to be arrogant. It's just people view myself as someone who does get dates with females and successful business person.

 

i mean I guess I met this bf a month before. She introduced me to someone named Steve like " hi this is Steve" she didn't say " hey this is my bf Steve " so that's why I didn't think anything of it.

 

so when she said ... " guy im seeing wasn't too happy about the other night , I told him" ... I was surprised and thinking I made a misstep.

 

 

Like I said I'm not here to ask for moral decisions and never said I was in love or trying to marry her. Just trying to get a opinion or assement of the mindset.

[Careerchoice]

i mean I guess I met this bf a month before. She introduced me to someone named Steve like " hi this is Steve" she didn't say " hey this is my bf Steve " so that's why I didn't think anything of it.

 

so when she said ... " guy im seeing wasn't too happy about the other night , I told him" ... I was surprised and thinking I made a misstep.

 

I mean everything you're saying indicates that she is not into this guy, so don't see him as a threat. And I wouldn't question myself if I were you just yet. Road bumps like this happen randomly at times in the dating game. It's how you respond that counts. Don't be a perfectionist either. Dating isn't a linear process.

[force]

So you went back in after your shift and tried asking her out again in the same day? She then brought up the bf then you said when are you free? She then says she can't. That's where you should have said "okay well if it doesn't work out get in touch with me." Then never bring it up again unless she does. She brought up the bf to get you off her back. If she's really interested she'll let you know but you can't try and force it. Just remember if she cheats on her bf then if you guys ever got together she'll do the same to you.

 

when you're with her in person don't bring it up. If she initiates texts, calls, emails then try and set a date and if she declines or brings up her bf say like I told you before my interest is romantic so if your ever single get in touch with me I'd love to see you then get off the phone. If you're really following Coach Wayne you should already know all of this.....

[EternalOptimis]

I find nothing immoral about being the other man. The obligation to stay faithful exists between the parties in the relationship. It doesn't extend beyond it.

 

And this forum is not limited to issues regarding existing relationships. A specific category is dedicated to "Dating", with several subcategories.

 

People generally find "nothing immoral" about that which they themselves are immoral about. Don't kid yourself, being the other man/woman doesn't make you the "getaway driver in a bank robbery", you are very much involved. The level of deception and cruelty required to maintain such a relationship speaks volumes about the co-cheater's character.

 

And yes there are plenty of sub-fora on eNA, but generally ones like "Infidelity" forum is to help and support victims of infidelity not to help lowlifes cause it.

[Careerchoice]

People generally find "nothing immoral" about that which they themselves are immoral about.

 

Not in this case. I have never cheated on anyone myself.