what is more valuable? love or friendship?

[Anne048]

I'm in my early twenties and I'm in college right now. I started talking to this guy from my class on fb, we talked a lot and I started falling for this guy. then one day suddenly I found out that he has a gf( i found this out through a friend and she's in the same class), so i decided to back off, i started talking less to him.

Then one day all of a sudden he told me abt his gf( he didn't knw that i already knew) and all the prblms that wr going in his rltnshp he told me that she had cheated on him twice and he wanted to break up which he eventually did. One week after the break up he proposed to me and said all the sweet things in the world, I accepted it and we started dating secretly.

After about 1.5 months, he says that he still has feelings for her (and she was begging him to get back together) and told me that she's a changed person now and she won't cheat on him again, I was devastated and I let him go and they got back together. I guess I was a rebound. He agreed to remain friends but I cut contacts with him for like 2 months to heal and then we started talking to each other again like friends.

He still has his gf and it has been over a year since we broke up, we are good friends, he shares everything with me( his gf doesn't know that he talks to me) and I was okay with being friends but he looks jealous when I talk to/about other guys. We're great friends now and I love him as a friend.

But recently I've started falling for him again, I think last time it was just an attraction since I hardly knew him then but this time I'm really falling in love. one day when we were having deep discussions he told me he's scared of his own feelings he feels that he's in love with two girls at the same time.

I don't want to ruin his present relationship and many a times I've ended contact with him telling him that it's not fair to his gf but we end up talking to each other again after a gap of 2 or 3 months.

I just don't know what to do. should I continue my friendship?

[glitterfingers]

Why would you continue a friendship with someone who has chosen a relationship with a cheater over a relationship with you? He literally picked the cheater over you, and now he's stringing you along just incase it doesn't work out (which it won't, because she cheated and they broke up several times before). But if he knows that they won't work, and keeps you around for when they end, do you really want to be second choice? What about your dignity and self worth?

 

I'd ditch him, and I'd realise you have a right to be pretty pissed off at the way this guy is playing two girls at once. He's in a "committed" relationship talking to someone else behind his partner's back (emotionally cheating), and he's pouring his heart out to you but refuses to leave his girlfriend and give you a chance. Pretty scummy thing to do when you think about it. He doesn't really care about either of you - he's only thinking about himself.

 

For the record, telling your emotional problems to someone and being "vulnerable" with them is the oldest trick in the book used to get people to like and trust you. Don't fall for it. Look at his actions, not his words. Wish him good luck and walk away.

[Anne048]

Why would you continue a friendship with someone who has chosen a relationship with a cheater over a relationship with you? He literally picked the cheater over you, and now he's stringing you along just incase it doesn't work out (which it won't, because she cheated and they broke up several times before). But if he knows that they won't work, and keeps you around for when they end, do you really want to be second choice? What about your dignity and self worth?

 

I'd ditch him, and I'd realise you have a right to be pretty pissed off at the way this guy is playing two girls at once. He's in a "committed" relationship talking to someone else behind his partner's back (emotionally cheating), and he's pouring his heart out to you but refuses to leave his girlfriend and give you a chance. Pretty scummy thing to do when you think about it. He doesn't really care about either of you - he's only thinking about himself.

 

For the record, telling your emotional problems to someone and being "vulnerable" with them is the oldest trick in the book used to get people to like and trust you. Don't fall for it. Look at his actions, not his words. Wish him good luck and walk away.

 

Thanks for the reply, I really needed an advice on this. you are right, he's playing with both of us and he's warm and friendly at one moment and cold and distant in the other. I have cut contacts with him several times but he always manipulates me! And it sucks, I know that I'm being used and still I get manipulated. I don't know how to come out of this , I really want to get over him.

[Anne048]

Thanks for the reply, I really needed an advice on this. you are right, he's playing with both of us and he's warm and friendly at one moment and cold and distant in the other. I have cut contacts with him several times but he always manipulates me! And it sucks, I know that I'm being used and still I get manipulated. I don't know how to come out of this , I really want to get over him. He says he truly loves his gf and it hurts me.

And yeah I hate myself for what I've become now, I have started ignoring my career for him and I'm keeping aside my dignity for him. All I do is think about what he said, what he means, if he has feelings for me, if he really loves her blah blah... and I'm going crazy.

[SherrySher]

He didn't choose you, he chose her. Isn't that enough? You need to get some self confidence and dignity and tell this guy to get lost.

 

He is a cheater and couldn't have thought you were that great if he went with the other girl even though he had the chance to be with you.

[Anne048]

That's exactly my point, if he really loves her then he shouldn't talk to me at all because his gf forbids him to but he talks to me behind her back, i feel horrible, like "the other girl" that's why I stopped talking to him this January and 6 months later he comes with some emotional stuff and I get carried away and start talking to him again. I don't want to be the homewrecker. I love him and I don't know if I'll ever forget him

[SherrySher]

You are allowing it so you can't title yourself the victim. If you don't want to be treated as second best and don't want to be the 'other woman' then all you need to do is put your foot down, block him and tell him you no longer want him in your life, and mean it!

 

He is a cheater, if you were to ever become the gf, he could very well back stab you and be confiding in another woman and getting close to another woman behind your back. This is not a good guy.

 

If he wants to treat his gf poorly, so be it, but don't go along with it! You know better.

[Anne048]

Thanks for the reply. you're right there, I'm the one allowing it and I'm the one acting victim.. I'll have to have a grip on me. I think it's high time now, I'm going to cut all contacts and block him. I used to think that his gf is the lucky one 'cause he's with her, but now I think she's the one at loss. We are in the same institute and I've to see them everyday whether I like it or not, I see them hanging out together and it just kills me... I mean how can I get over someone whom I've to face daily, even if I cut contacts! And to top it all this guy is in the same project group as me.

[SherrySher]

Feel sorry for her. She is being lied to and cheated on. He is not being loyal and she is in for a lot of heartache. You don't want to be her.

 

All you have to do is be polite but not friendly and don't speak with him alone anymore or talk about anything other than school. Block his phone number and any other place you have him online or on your phone.

 

Don't let him continue to treat you so badly. Try and find another guy who is single and available for you and only you.

[Anne048]

Thank you! I'll try to keep it short and formal with him whenever I've to face him and other than that I'll avoid him.

Thanks for sparing your time to reply, it helped me a lot

[glitterfingers]

I agree with everything said here. You're clearly better than this and you deserve so much more from someone who you choose to give freely of your time and kindness towards. You will forget him. It's easy to fool ourselves into thinking that the wrong person is right for us, but trust me, give it a little time and you'll meet some great guys who will treat you well and make you wonder why you ever wasted time on this loser

[Anne048]

I took all your advices and told him not to contact me again( I hope it'll work). I've just taken to reading novels to distract myself.