Six Months Since Break Up

[Careerchoice]

Today is six months since my most recent break up. It occurred the early morning of Christmas Eve. I am 39 (was 38 at the break up) and she is 34 (was 33).

 

I was with my ex for ten years. It was a very intimate relationship. We were committed to each other forever and had plans to have children. Throughout the relationship, I had some indications that she was a bit immature. I didn't believe it was bad enough to cause any issues. Last year I was diagnosed with cancer. During treatment, my ex showed my a few signs that she was a lot more immature/irresponsible than I originally thought. It made me reconsider having children with her to the point that I changed my mind on the issue. A couple of months later the break up began, and a couple of months after that it was finished through infidelity on her part. Over the next few months she threw an incredible amount of breadcrumbs at me, but I ignored them all. She hasn't reached out to me for the past three months. I am certain we will never speak again.

 

After frequenting this forum for many years, going in to the break up I already considered myself an expert on break ups. I knew exactly what was happening and what I had to do. I've taken every step I can think of to progress my healing, with the exception of dating (I am doing it, but would not say I am giving it my all). I've progressed a lot, but I still get sad very often. I think about what we had multiple times per day, every day. I don't want her back. She's not the same person anymore and I could never get past what happened and have her in my life. She doesn't want me back either. It's very over for us. I do not regret changing my mind on having kids with her. I feel very justified in that decision.

 

I posted before about how I go through this predictable cycle of emotions: I'll start missing her, feel guilty for destroying her dream of having a family, force myself to remember why I changed my mind on kids with her, then just feel blah until I let it go until the next round. It's quite insane. The only time I get a long break from feeling sad is when I have a girl pop into my life. But i haven't found anyone to my liking, so they pop right out. I still feel like there's a sadness in my eyes and I'm not very flirty or fun, at least not by my standards. I don't have my heart in it yet.

 

There's nothing else left for me to say or do. Everything has been very final with us for quite sometime. I'm not mad at her for falling out of love with me. I expected it in a lot of ways. I'm surprised that she stayed around for as long as she did when I made my decision on no kids final. She must have loved me very much. It's so heartbreaking to look back on everything.

 

I'm sure she's still mad at me to some degree for what happened. I can't take the blame for it though. It wasn't my fault she failed to mature. I don't even blame her for that though. It was simply fate. It's still a sad story. I don't think she's a bad person. She gave me her best.

 

Sometimes I forget this, but I know I will move on from her and find someone else. I don't think it's wishful thinking either, I really believe it. It's just hard being patient in the meantime. I have to wait for my mind to calm down a bit, talk to a lot of girls in the meantime, get used to being single and hitting on girls again, etc. I do feel like if I met someone I liked and if they liked me back, I'd be ready to explore things with them. I'd also have no problem just having some fun with girls in the meantime either.

[Careerchoice]

I miss what we had so much. I was happy.

[boltnrun]

I miss what we had so much. I was happy.

 

But you weren't happy. Or you wouldn't have come to the conclusion that breaking up was the right thing to do.

 

Maybe you weren't unhappy ALL the time, but how would the issues have been resolved if you'd stayed?

 

You gave 10 years. It's not like you bailed after 6 months.

[Careerchoice]

But you weren't happy. Or you wouldn't have come to the conclusion that breaking up was the right thing to do.

 

Maybe you weren't unhappy ALL the time, but how would the issues have been resolved if you'd stayed?

 

You gave 10 years. It's not like you bailed after 6 months.

 

Of course, you are correct. Lemme say instead that I was happy before she fell out of love with me. I definitely was not happy once the break up began or ended. That's why I have no doubts that we had to break up. It was the right thing to do. It had to happen. The issues could never have resolved. The issue of kids was a deal breaker for both of us. I don't want her back. She's a completely different person to me now.

 

The only thing I wish I would've done differently is that I would've ended it sooner, but I don't think I could have based on what she showed me earlier in the relationship. There weren't enough signs, so I don't think I would consider it a regret. I gave it everything I had for a very long time. I left no stone unturned.

[Anna Bell]

Sorry for the terrible illness experience, hope you're well.

 

I think you miss the good times, which is normal. You both gave each other all and the best You made decision based on facts and there's no regret. A complete relationship. It's just gradually you realised the outlook for life was different. You couldn't picture your future with her. It is heartbreaking for you to look back on everything, all gone, just like a pop.

 

You've been on this forum many years you said. When did you start? You were in a 10 year relationship,I'm just wondering.

[Clio]

Have you considered/tried professional therapy to work on your feelings? I get the impression that you are struggling with forgiving yourself for your role in that relationship. Plus, you have a hard time accepting the way it ended. Sorry to say but to me it sounds like this relationship had become a very unhealthy power struggle and your ego has a hard time accepting that at the end "it lost/did not come out at the top" so to say. You need to work on accepting that "it HAS happened and it couldn't have happened any other way". Neither of you knew any better at the time. You need to forgive yourself and if mistakes were made learn from them, one lesson being that from now on you need to be with someone who you accept just as they are. Good luck with your healing.

 

P.S. At 6 months it's still too early to be over a 10 year relationship that ended in an abrupt and hurtful way. Your are still processing the loss and that sounds normal.

[Careerchoice]

Sorry for the terrible illness experience, hope you're well.

 

I think you miss the good times, which is normal. You both gave each other all and the best You made decision based on facts and there's no regret. A complete relationship. It's just gradually you realised the outlook for life was different. You couldn't picture your future with her. It is heartbreaking for you to look back on everything, all gone, just like a pop.

 

You've been on this forum many years you said. When did you start? You were in a 10 year relationship,I'm just wondering.

 

Thank you dear. I became a member seven years ago, but I've been browsing since 2004.

[Tomthumb88]

I'm at five months and I know how you feel. I tried dating as a distraction and had the same half effort you describe. I've actually decided to take a break from it since it isn't working for anyone

[Careerchoice]

You couldn't picture your future with her.

 

That's the thing though, I could. At least until I caught her cheating on me. I'm sorry I didn't explain completely. I was willing to forgo having kids to be with her. She tried to convince herself over the next two months that she was okay with that until she fell out of love with me and the break up began. I still wanted to be with her until the end.

[Anna Bell]

Thank you dear. I became a member seven years ago, but I've been browsing since 2004.

 

What led you to this forum and what kind of topics have you been browsing?

I didn't do any search after my long term relationship as I could handle the aftermath. I found this forum because of the struggle I had after breaking up with an abuser.

[Careerchoice]

What led you to this forum and what kind of topics have you been browsing?

I didn't do any search after my long term relationship as I could handle the aftermath. I found this forum because of the struggle I had after breaking up with an abuser.

 

The break up of a previous relationship. That relationship lasted a little over a year. I usually just read the variety of what's posted daily.

[jennylove]

Im not good at following this when it comes to heartache, but it's really up to us to make our own happiness. When a breakup or divorce happens, it hurts, but we have to do what it takes to be happy again. Our "ex" is not responsible for our life.

[Careerchoice]

I don't feel free around girls right now. I can't be fun or flirty. It's such a terrible feeling because the problem prevents the solution. I know if I found someone else it would progress my healing beyond this plateau I've reached for the past few months. I'm frustrated with myself because all of these great opportunities with women come up and I keep flubbing them.

 

We used to watch the fireworks together almost every year. This is so painful for me today for some reason. The amount of times per day I play the "what if" scenario of if I went forward with having kids with her is absurd. Mentally, I know she would have done a terrible job of parenting. I would have had to essentially raise the kids myself and cover up for her mistakes.

[zephybee]

hi there, i can relate to going through cancer with an ex and i wonder what impact that had on your relationship failing but also if it had impact on your healing after the break up?

my ex really let me down when i was going through such a hard time.

i know he was probably not capable of handling so much but it was very hard for me.

and because he was with me and took care of me after my cancer surgery, it was a mourning process once we broke up.....when i hit my year cancerversary i struggled with not having him. even though he wasn't the biggest support.

he took good care of me with the physical stuff but not with the emotional/mental stuff.

would love to chat about this if you want to!

[Careerchoice]

hi there, i can relate to going through cancer with an ex and i wonder what impact that had on your relationship failing but also if it had impact on your healing after the break up?

 

I don't think cancer had any effect the relationship other than to highlight how ineffective she would have been as a mother. I didn't feel like it caused any additional tension between us.

 

As far as how it related to healing from the break up, I had just started to turn the corner on my cancer recovery, so the timing was only close to being terrible. I think I was healed up enough from treatment to deal with it. I don't think about cancer much these days. I got through it and I've been able to let it go.

 

and because he was with me and took care of me after my cancer surgery, it was a mourning process once we broke up.....when i hit my year cancerversary i struggled with not having him. even though he wasn't the biggest support.

 

That's not an emotion I felt, I guess because she really didn't do much as far as taking care of me. I believe she did the best she was capable of doing; she just didn't have much to offer in that department. I just celebrated a year in remission and she wasn't even a related thought.

 

would love to chat about this if you want to!

Of course. Please feel free to message on here for all to see or private message me if you want to talk in private.

[zephybee]

thanks for the response!

its complicated for me, i was in a constant state of grief in 2016 with my cancer experience being stuck in the middle of quite a few (young and tragic) deaths in my life.

so i think all of that put a lot of damage on the relationship.

my ex is an avoidant and is emotionally blocked.

this was very apparent as i was struggling through all this.

looking back now i can see that i need way more than this in a partner.

i felt so let down.

in terms of the cancer part, like i said, he was good to me for the week as i recovered from my surgery.

he was a good nurse.

but once i left his apt after that week, it wasnt the same care.

and quite frankly, that's when i really needed some TLC

i think about cancer quite a bit as i have to be checked for recurrence every 3 months. its been over a year now with no recurrence but it is always on my mind.

i still feel a bit detached from the experience and overwhelmed by the grief but am doing lots of self work since the split 5 months ago.

i am doing EMDR therapy which has been intense so far but i think will be helpful.

so glad to hear you are in remission.

[Careerchoice]

Wow, so much had changed in the last month. I met a few girls shortly after my last post and it began to lift the cloud over my head. I was able to begin "playing" in my flirting and my jokes started becoming more effortless and funnier. I met a girl and we hooked up almost immediately. She was very nice, but wanted an exclusive relationship, which I was not interested in with her. We dated a few weeks, but I could tell she was becoming too emotionally attached, so I ended it a few days ago. I am currently chatting with several girls. I even turned down sex with a girl a few nights ago because I could tell she would want a relationship right away. I'm waiting for someone good before I commit.

 

I would say over the past few weeks I've gotten over my ex. I do still think about her a few times a day, but I don't get the overwhelming sadness I got before and the thoughts simply disappear after a few moments. I even saw my ex's best friend last week at a bar and I did not freak out like I would have before. Her dad emailed me some nonsense last week and I simply deleted it. It wasn't that big of a deal.

 

Tonight I wanted to test just how "over" her I was, so I unblocked her on Facebook for the first time this year. Not really too much there on the public version. Just some new pics with her friends. I feel fine about it.

 

Anyone who's going through a break up, you can get through this friends. I'm nobody special in this world and I did it. That means you can do it too. Just hang in there.