Conflicted

[Sugarglider]

Im 31 & Im dating a man that's 50. I have previously been in almost exclusively abusive relationships with men my age. This is by far the healthiest relationship ive been in. I have 3 kids, two have autism, and he's wonderful with my kids. Loves my kids.

 

I keep finding myself almost sorta trying to sabatage this relationship. I keep looking for there to be things wrong, and when i dont find it i hyperfocus that the relationship will end.

 

We both want a family. I want to be a stay at home mom, he wants a stay at home wife/mother. We have interests in common which we share some time together doing at his home.

 

I guess the only real problem is he works 80 hours a week, pretty much 7 days a week, and absolutely does not do anything outside the house except work.

 

Because of his age and he's never popped the question to anyone, i have a intense fear of him keeping me around and never going further. He stayed with one ex 3 years and broke up with her, (mostly it sounds like) because he was afriad to get married. He said they somewhat werent money compatable too.

[Seraphim]

I would not personally have a child with someone who is 50. You would still be raising that child when he's collecting Social Security .

 

He works excessive amounts of hours so that'll just be another child to look after that you will be primarily looking after .

 

You have 2 children with disabilities so you have a high probability of having more . ( Believe me I understand I have a child with autism myself.) I always wanted more children but actually I'm lucky because I'm not sure I could've had the sanity to have another child with a disability . And not so much due to the disability but the fact that you have to go to bat for your child in almost every single situation possible . As I am sure you know .

 

If you have a good relationship just enjoy it for now . ❤️

[SherrySher]

He is 50, at that age, you aren't going to change too much about him at all. He has never been married or popped the question than it is reasonable to assume that he won't be rushing into marriage anytime soon.

But even if he did, are you looking at the full picture here? He is 50, he is working all the time, having a baby with him would mean that you would be alone raising this child and he's not going to have too much energy to raise a young child. By the time this child is a teenager, he would be collecting old age and would be getting on to be an old man.

How fair is that to a potential child?

I think you should focus on just dating but if you want marriage and another baby, then you should consider someone else who is closer to your age.

 

And what do you mean, they "mostly" broke up?

[megamuppet]

I have been in a similar mindset and it could be that you are expecting it to go wrong so you are giving it a helping hand. Kind of like a self forfilling prophecy? You have a history of crappy relationships and are expecting this one to go the same way. I am now in the best relationship I have ever had, almost 5 years, married for 2. Even now, I cause fights, giving him a chance to walk away because that it what I am expecting him to do. And it is rubbish because he totally adores me but my brain wont accept that because of my baggage. I am having counselling and it is helping. I am starting to believe I am deserving of his love and attention and things are getting better for me. I am feeling less insecure with things now.

 

My husband is 50 this year, I would love to have a child with him, I am 45. Before we got married, he said he would too. When we got married he changed his mind. This makes me very sad but I understand it in some ways. I would be 60 and attending parents evenings, our social life and holidays would change, there is the medical / risk side of it too. We have 3 children between us so it is not like we are childless and pineing for what we dont have. We decided not to get a dog because it was too much committment so a baby would be a bigger one so it makes sense not to proceed. I feel that I have met the perfect man but it is too late for us as a couple and I have to let it go. Also I stopped smoking and gained 7st in weight which I maintained for 20 years. I have lost most of that weight but it has been so hard for me to do. I would worry about putting all the baby weight back on, although again, that is my insecurity and selfishness playing a part.

 

What I am saying is as a couple, you have to weigh up what you want. If you both want kids, can have kids I personally dont see an issue. It is your decision to make x

 

Finally, when I met my husband, he told me he had no intention of getting married. He has never been married or engaged. I had never been married either and felt the same. He just wanted to live with me forever. 9 months in, that changed and he asked me, he wanted to go and register and do it quick, it was me who kept putting it off, again I was expecting him to open his eyes and dump me, good old insecurity and baggage again. He didnt though. He just said he had found the right woman at last! I accepted and we have been married almost 2 years. The best 2 years of my life x

 

Give yourself some time to think about what you truly want. Discuss it with him. If there are things you can compromise on or work out, then great. If not, you might have to accept somethings are not going to happen for you and live with that, like I have, or move on to someone who can give you what you need. Either way good luck 😉 x