My boyfriend acts like a baby (long...)

[Pooh90]

Hi everyone,

I'm 26 years old and my boyfriend is 22 and we're both students.

We've been together for almost a year now and I'm his first girlfriend (while I had many relationships in the past).

He's an incredible guy and I've never met anyone like him, despite the big age difference we don't quite feel it (most of the time...) - he's extremely intelligent and really open minded about everything and I can't imagine myself with anyone else.

 

But...

In the last few months he got extremely comfortable with me, too much.

We actually moved in together few months ago since he spent most of the time at my place anyway (I live alone) and since we got along really great.

Few months ago we also started having really bad fights about house chores, before we officially moved in together I was doing almost everything around the house because I really didn't mind, But after a while I got exhausted cleaning the house after 2 people and also being a student of a very demanding course.

I asked him to help me a lot more and explained that I just can't keep cleaning for both of us and how exhausted I am.

He started doing some stuff around and really improved but it's still not enough... I mean, he NEVER washed the floor here. In 8 months that he actually lives here (part of it not officially but that doesn't matter).

Even when he started (ONCE) to actually clean the whole house he never got to wash it because he was too tired from vacuuming and dust cleaning/washing the dishes etc. (and it's a really small apartment of 1 bedroom).

I almost always need to remind him or ask him to do A/B/C and it really makes me feel like I'm a parent in this relationship and that I need to teach him how to live outside his parents' home (he did live with roommates for 2 years before moving in with me).

He never notices if something is about to run out and we need to get a new one (toilet paper/shampoo/whatever) and I always feel the responsible one to get it because otherwise we just won't have it! He leaves stuff around the house all the time and I need to go after him and put them back in place.

 

It's not just the cleaning part though, he's extremely sensitive and cries a lot or get panic attacks over nothing.

It came to a point in which I'm just scared of telling him what I'm feeling because if it's something "wrong" that he did he takes it so hard and starts crying and gets into a cycle of self-blaming and hating himself.

Even when I'm hurt by something he did he's the one who starts crying because he feels bad that he hurt me and I end up consoling HIM.

I already suggested him to go to a therapist because when it happens it's really severe and it scares me sometimes that he might hurt himself.

He agreed with me and will start a treatment in about a month (it's not possible to start it now).

It's so comfortable for him that I'm "leading", always. Where to go, what to do, when...

I don't want to be the man in this relationship either, I love being taking care of but with him it never happens.

I don't trust him with anything now, he never showed me he can actually be the one taking actions and doing and changing.

I have so much frustration and resentment built inside because of how he acts.

I wish I could live alone again (we're both going back to our parents' in a month anyway) but he has no where else to live right now.

 

He knows about all those things that bother me and I told him that sometimes he makes me feel like a mom and the leader of this relationship and he's trying to change but he needs time. I can't take it anymore and many times I find myself waiting for this month to pass so I can just get away from him and not feel like the responsible adult all the time.

 

What can I do?... He really wants to change but I feel like I'm going crazy and growing apart from him.

Is there any way I can tell him that he needs to stop acting like a baby and grow up (he will seriously start crying a river and I will have to calm him down) or should I just shut up for a month and deal with it?

[Pooh90]

One thing I forgot to mention - he's also not paying rent because of money issues.

[LaHermes]

Re-read this Pooh. All the answers are in your op.

 

"Even when I'm hurt by something he did he's the one who starts crying because he feels bad that he hurt me and I end up consoling HIM.

I already suggested him to go to a therapist because when it happens it's really severe and it scares me sometimes that he might hurt himself.

He agreed with me and will start a treatment in about a month (it's not possible to start it now).

It's so comfortable for him that I'm "leading", always. Where to go, what to do, when...

I don't want to be the man in this relationship either, I love being taking care of but with him it never happens.

I don't trust him with anything now, he never showed me he can actually be the one taking actions and doing and changing.

I have so much frustration and resentment built inside because of how he acts.

I wish I could live alone again (we're both going back to our parents' in a month anyway) but he has no where else to live right now.

"

 

You are actually looking after a child, he is immature and even though 22 probably mental age of 18.

[Cope]

This reminds me of my ex so much.

 

What I did was give myself a timeline. If he didn't seek help for his anxiety and anger issues, I would leave at (insert a period of time). I did not want to give him an ultimatum as I read it's not a good idea. You can ask a psychiatrist, if you have his doctor's number even better, on giving an ultimatum. Every time we had a fight or he had a panic attack I tried telling him he needed to go see a doctor, I even planned an appointment for us to go together, he never came, I ended up going alone. Bottom line is you can't force someone to seek help, he will go when he is ready. One lesson I got from that relationship is that I was an enabler by letting everything just happen and kept supporting him because i used to suffer from anxiety and I thought I "had to" show empathy. I was so wrong. Honestly, I don't know if ultimatums work, it really depends on the person, so proceed with cautious.

 

All that said, I must tell you that he is very young. He is used to living off others, first his mom, then his roommates, now you. I'm sure his roommates have the same stories to share. My first reaction to your post was "dump him", but that's just me and my past. The best advice i can give you is go to a psychiatrist on your own to figure out how to deal with him IF you want to continue this relationship. You say he's incredible, that's amazing! Now if he REALLY wants to change he will do more than just say so. Again, you can't force him, but you can't be his enabler either, it's so tricky.

[itsallgrand]

With what you describe, I don't think more talks will change his behaviour enough to make it a good fit for you to be living with you. I give him credit for listening to you and upping his game around the house. He is trying. But he's not in any position right now to be living with a girlfriend.

From what you wrote, it's a bit more than immaturity as well. It sounds like there are mental health issues at play if he is continually breaking down in tears and there is a risk there of him self harming.

 

So since you both go to live with folks in a month, I'd try to avoid conflicts and just ride it out. It's not ideal, but you now know through this 'test run' that you can't live with him. Once you have your space back , you can think about whether you want to continue this relationship or not. I just wouldn't risk a big blow out or break up while he's under your roof, not when you avoid that and his folks will be there for him in such a short time.

[Pooh90]

Hi Cope! Thanks for your answer

It's not quite the same as your situation was, my boyfriend actually wants to go to a therapist and wants to treat his anxieties but it's really not possible right now because in a month he's going back to his hometown where he already has someone he knows he wants to go to. I fully trust him on this.

Before I read your comment I was actually thinking of an ultimatum or just telling him he can't stay here starting from July, he did something that broke me into pieces and I've had it.

Problem is - in only few days it's his graduation day and the day after it's his birthday... I feel extremely guilty of doing something like that right before these two major events and don't know if I should...

 

I stopped showing him empathy a long time ago, he made me lose any patience I had. I give him the attention only if it's a really bad panic attack.

And he used to be the clean one between his roommates! He just got so used to me taking care of everything here! So frustratinggggg

I'm gonna go to my therapist (I already have one, but he's far away where I live) but this will also take more than a month...

I don't want to leave him because I still believe he wants to change, the problem is that it seems impossible to solve this right now with his graduation in few days and his birthday and us going back to our separate hometowns... I feel so lost right now...